DAMN YOU, FREE ONLINE VOTING!
Hey guys, do you like the song “Wild Boys” by Duran Duran? And the song “Girls Just Wanna Have Fun” by Cyndi Looper? Well have we got the opening pro routine for you!
Because those are the only two enjoyable parts! Having spent much of last week defending noted hip hop choreographer Christopher Scott, as part of the extended “So You Think You Can Dance” family, I am officially abandoning him after this mess, complete with
trayography (I’ve never seen anyone on this show look more embarassed than Oti during this section, and she’s only been here a month poor thing)
lets just rip our shirts off because this is all crap…ography. It’s notionally a tribute to the 80s, or at least the parts where everyone wore bandanas and used pool cues as substitute penises. I was only born in 1985, I don’t know if that’s what you were all up to back then, if so, good luck to you. All of the pros fart around rolling around on top of the pool table and popping their hips and flipping their mullets and wondering if Artem can sort them out a dodgy visa made out of cocktail napkins to get on Dancing With The Stars instead.6 Sadly, the routine does not close with deely-boppers, Pac-Man or Rappin’ Ronnie Reagan, just
Anton bashing a jukebox and going “ha ha marvelous” which really could represent any decade dating back as far as the 1880s. Really the whole thing was both too 80s and not 80s enough, and certainly not ballroom’n’latin enough. Remember them? Good times
Still the 80s theme does mean that Claudia emerges from the wings
dressed as her own mother. Freudian. She and Tess have a little joke about how Claud wasn’t even aware that she was in fancy dress. The writers are going to have to think of something new for Hallowe’en Week now, prepare yourselves. Tess reminds us that “Saturday Night was an incredibly night of high drama, high scores, and a whole host of new frontrunners coming in from nowhere!!!”. Yes, there was the ballet student, the stage school graduate, the stage school TEACHER…it was UNBELIEVABLE! I was so blindsided I had to have a nice sit down, a la Stephanie Beacham, just to re-orientate myself. Still, as Claudia says, there are only twelve places remaining in the competition, can you believe it? I definitely can’t think of three or four couples I’d happily axe right here, right now, definitely not. Deciding who will be bumping their arse on the floor of the game of Musical(ish) Chairs that is Strictly will be our Strictly-Dancing judges
I do feel a bit sorry for Darcey. I can’t imagine this gubbins was in the original contract. I bet she thought she was going to be paid £100,000 just for sitting down and scoring one lower than Bruno.
Oh and also there will be Will Young and Len’s Glans.
Hopefully not at the same time.
First though, your Week In Greg :
Not really enough, is it?
As usual, after the complete lack of original content comes an overload, in the form of tonight’s first round of Safety Sex-Faces :
Bonus points to Katie for saying “I thought that was the Red Light one”. You’re not far off. First atually to bathe under a crimson glow is
Daniel. Daniel? DANIEL! Daniel you’re in the bottom 2, please react in some way. Any way. Cheer, cry, yell at Kristina that this is all her fault, ANYTHING. Never mind, I’m in enough shock for both of us. I thought Daniel was going to ride his fanbase all the way to Blackpool at least. Imagine! Daniel O Donnell at Blackpool! Flying in on something! Travesty. Tess asks him how it feels to be in the Bottom 2 and he says that it’s fine, because he’s had a wonderful time and met an amazing dancer in Kristina. Tess at this point full on babies him and says that IT’S NOT OVER YET and THAT SOUNDS LIKE A FAREWELL SPEECH WHEN YOU’RE NOT OUT YET DANNY!!!
I hope the forthcoming dance-off…performance is a direct response to that because, well, if he decides he’s out Tess, he’s out. He is the Godfather after all. Tess asks Craig how Daniel can use his much vaunted “musicality” to help him in the dance off, and Craig tells Daniel that he should use it as a base to really let loose and go those extra few inches. Daniel looks back like
Craig has had all the inches he’s evver going to get off him.
Up on Claud 9, we’re told that Claudia is in the presence of five very emotional couples. To be honest, I think Jeremy is giving the show exactly the amount of emotion it deserves, which is not much, but ok. Claudia asks Ainsley if he expected to be in the dance-off and he says no. But also yes. And also isn’t it great that people have voted for him just to be here and entertain them. Here, on Strictly, with all these wonderful people and talented dancer and so on and so on.
I’ve never seen this show sap someone’s personality quite so much. It’s like the zany is being sucked off him week by week until all we’ll be left with is shiny botty speechy steel. Quite the opposite of Katie, who appears to be getting
more and more pumped full of zane every week. And Baileys. She slurs to Claudia that she had a really really really really really really REALLY SUPAH FUN night last night or tonight or tomorrow or *hic* whatever, and then Claudia congratulates Anton on being to of the leaderboard for only the second time ever. Fourth actually (once with Lesley (waltz), once with Patsy (tango), once with Laila (foxtrot) but I don’t want to get too far iinto correcting the Anton Stat bs, because I’m got a feeling that by week 7 it’s going to be “OH MY GOD ANTON, FIRST TIME YOU’VE SCORED ABOVE A 6!”, “ANTON, YOU’VE NEVER MADE IT TO BONFIRE NIGHT!” and “ANTON, YOU’VE NEVER DONE A RUMBA WITHOUT SHITTING YOURSELF!” so I’m trying to pace myself. (Also there was an amazing segment on It Takes Two this week where they got Anton to guess who he had topped the leaderboard with and it was basically him non-stopping shading Laila and it was great).
Claudia next asks Jeremy what preparation he did for his live nude(ish) shower scene before the nation, and he tells her that for once he didn’t eat all of the crisps in the Green Room. You can tell Alesha’s not a judge any more can’t you? In her day there wouldn’t even have been crumbs left for contestants. Claudia also congratulates Anita and Peter, but she’s still clearly not quite forgiven him for snogging her earlier, so it’s right on to
Will Young. He’s singing his new song “Joy”, from his sixth (!) album. Whoever would have thought, when he was sassing Simon Cowell and dancing like all of his joints were made out of Gummy Bears out on Pop Idol that Will Young would reach his sixth album? And that he’d only have to resort to barely rewritten early 00s dance tracks for singles a couple of times? Still
he looks a bit tired dun’he? Question Time and getting your willy out for Judi Dench takes it out of a man (trust me). After the first verse, Aliona/Gleb, Giovanni/Oti and Karen/Kevin all come out like they’re dressed for a church social and have a bit of a boogie before Will road-tests
all three of the female pros (and none of the male ones, because FAMILY SHOW) presumably as a trial run for next year. He seems to have the most natural chemistry with Aliona but screw that she’s already winning this series, she’s not having another run at it next year, not on my watch.
After all the exercise balls have been cleared off the floor and Will has given out a copy of the Watchtower to every audience member, we’re on to
LEN’S GLANS! I think I felt in safer hands when they were pretending Claudia was operating the cameras to be honest. We break right in, no messing, with Len explaining exactly what was wrong with Jay’s head placement in his quickstep. It appears that whatever it is, it’s primarily based around the fact that he can’t stop looking at Aliona.
FIRE UP THE RUMOURMOBILE! (Also it looks like a lot of it because he is spotting literally all of the time because Aliona was dedicated to turning everything into some sort of spin, but that’s far too prosaic an explanaton, let’s pretend they’re shaggin’) Len tells us that if something looks weird in a dance, it’s probably because the celebrity is doing something wrong. Or it’s a Theme Week. Or an American Smooth. Or Iveta. Darcey next has to try to make a clip of Ainsley not having a neck interesting. She doesn’t really manage it.
Next, Craig, as our official representative from the lah-di-dah world of musical theatre, explains what “spotting” is. As illustration of what not to do, he shows us a clip of Anita but
like anyone’s looking at Anita here. Regardless, Craig says it’s going to be very easy for Anita to pick up how to do spotting. Maybe Kellie can do a guest spot in a VT and help her out? Next up, Bruno is asked to tell us all what Spanish Lines are, like we didn’t already go through this last week, because Kirsty and Carol both sucked at paso doble. They sure did suck though. Suck suck suckity suck. Horrible. If only someone could come along to show us how it should be done. Someone strong, masculine, well trained, technically adept and used to spinning like a top. Anyone know who’s going this dance next week and needing a bounce back? Anyone?
We close with Bruno and Craig having to do “KEEEEEEEEEEP DANCING!”
on their own, because Len has grabbed Darcey like Claudia grabs the eye-liner in Debenhams. Can we do this again next week but with slo-mo footage of Joanne twirling sadly on her own in the credits. Not to be sadistic, I just think it’d be funnier.
Second Round Of Safety Sex Faces?
There we go. This leaves Carol and Kirsty both facing the chasm with only their respective pasos to protect them.
Told you Carol’s was better. Please note that literally every single contestant and pro is now mouthing “thank you, oh thank you, thank you so much guys, so much” when they’re saved so they can now all just stop it again. And looking at Brenda there, he’s on the verge of saying it as well. They dawdle over to Judge Mountain where Tess tells Kirsty that she’s really sorry to see her in the dance-off. I’ll be honest, I’m not. Kirsty tells Tess that she’s taken everything that the judges have said into consideration and will use it to win the dance-off. Darcey in turn tells her to use her arms properly this time. I can’t quite believe we got through that without U2 coming up, it’s a miracle.
Up to Claud 9, and if you’re keeping a spreadsheet of who Kellie is molesting as the cameras appear
this week it is Jay. Claudia briefly congratulates Carol and Helen, but she knows that Jamelia is where the narrative sits here. She asks her, given that Charleston is Her Dance according to Craig (even though salsa was Her Dance last week according to Craig, and that was crap), however is she going to move on to foxtrot. Not well? I’m guessing. It involves discipline and technique and not just running around quacking and shaking your bum like Doobie Duck, so I’m guessing she’s screwed. Jamelia says that she’ll try very hard anyway. Claudia then asks Kellie whether the scores or dancing for her nan was more emotional for her. Kellie says that both were really special and she felt really blessed.
Then a tiny little grizzly bear emerges from the giant haircave on her head, takes a tiny little poo on her forehead, and everybody laughs.
Next up a trailer for
Teen Wolf 3 : Teen Wolf Down Under. Also It Takes Two.
Back to back to Claud 9 now where Tess is waiting with our two potential victims
There we go. Claudia asks Daniel how much he wants to stay, and he says that he’s enjoying learning the dances in the studio with Kristina, but it’s really hard on his nerves to have to perform them in front of millions of people live. So that’s “not at all” then? Tess then tells Kirsty that she and Brenda clearly have an amazing bond (…) and asks her if there’s anything she wants to say to him right now just in case she’s about to leave.
Sadly “you can take Bono, turn him sideways. and stick him up your arse” isn’t broadcastable before the watershed.
And she’s not going anywhere anyway as, in a truly rare turn of events, the Dance Off actually turns out to have a dramatic purpose, as Daniel basically throws the thing, going wrong all over the place, whilst Kirsty is pretty much exactly as she was on the show. Ah well, he’s probably got places to go. People to see. Warehouses to burn down. Insurance to claim. He tells Tess that he’s had a great time, and anything he’s given, he’s got back tenfold
in protection money. Now pop some in the hat, there’s a good girl. He also gives a little homily to Kristina saying “If people knew what this girl was really like…” but, y’know, he doesn’t finish the thought so really he could mean anything.
Anything at all. Anyway, Kristina cries and loses her neck completely and talks about what a lovely genuine guy Daniel is, so I hope he bought her lots of furs and locked all of her enemies in walk-in freezers. We close with Daniel turning to the judges table and promising Craig that he WILL find that dancer within, Craig. He WILL.
We’re never going to see Craig again are we?
SO LONG MAFIA DAN!
Bonus Footage Of Helen Waiting To Hear The Results :