Strictly Come Dancing 13 – Week 3 Results

Karen & Kevin meet cute, whilst Oti and Anthony get the boot.

We start

at the Strictly Drive-In, where couples have ridden up in their Chevvys and Cabriolets ready to watch, not Attack Of The 50ft Blob or Giant Ants From Uranus, but something far more terrifying

Tristan and Joanne as a married couple. I have to admit, they would actually suit “supposedly together and reliable couple who are the first to die at the hands of a zombie hoard” quite well, as roles. They’re playing Smug Marrieds to their single friend Karen

who is dreaming of one day getting married and being just as happy(/squeaky and annoying) as they are. Fortunately for Karen, KEVIN CLIFTON is watching and decides to jump into the screen, sweep her off her feet, and live happily ever after. And unlike when I tried to do the same thing to Paul Rudd during I Love You Man, it ACTUALLY WORKS BECAUSE OF THE MAGIC OF THE MOVIES AND STUFF.

He also happily disrupts Joanne and Tristan’s plan to feed Karen to their Blood God. So there’s that. Everyone then dances around to Sugar Pie Honey Bunch and it’s about as treacly as that sounds. It’s all choreographed by Christopher Scott, apparently, whose work I am familiar with from So You Think You Can Dance so you know what that means – I’m about to derail to talk about some routines from another show that I liked :





You’ll notice that most of those are hip hop routines. Yup. The slow drag of this show away from ballroom into the great big mish mashy world of dance beyond continues. I mean the routine itself is more throwback R&B influenced than anything else but if you wanted to watch Natalie Lowe and Brendan Cole throw it down

this is as close as we’ve ever come. Kevin and Karen come out of the screen, everyone dances whilst Tristan & Joanne stay inside the screen tooling around irrelevantly with nobody watching (…) and then Kevin and Karen run back into the screen and force us all to watch them snog.

How…romantic. And lovely in particular to see Anton and Aliona getting very cosy at the end, what a thought.

(Congratulations to Natalie Lowe on her engagement incidentally, this feels like as good a place to mention it as any)

After the dancers have cleared off, the drive-in screen plays host to another Strictly star :

The transition from tv to film is tougher on some than others I guess. Tess and Claudia both emerge and Tess grins that now she really knows what it’s like to be in the movies. As if she hadn’t already learned that from previous contestant and Hollywood Megastar Jimi Mistry. What tales he had to tell. Claudia thanks the pros for “that showstopper of a routine”. Sadly, despite the show being stopped by the purity of Clifton Love, we’ve still got 35 minutes to go, 35 minutes of Andrea Bocelli loudly mumbling Spanish, Len’s Glans the elimination and boggling at the fact that Jay’s dance from last night is already being referred to in show-canon as THAT JIVE despite only happening literally 15 minutes ago. Some saints are canonised faster than others I guess, but the rise of St Jay Of McGuiness has been faster than most.

BUT FIRST! YOUR WEEK IN GREG!

It definitely needs a trim doesn’t it? Just with some nail-scissors, around the edges.

That over with, time for our first round of the true stars of our show






the Safety Sex-Faces. These new pros need to start putting their backs into it, I’m sorry. Barely even a tingle. Our first couple under the RED LIGHT OF DOOM are

these two. Immediately Natalie bumps “get married” and “get up the duff” a bit further up her life list. I love that they met on a train. I like to think Natalie forgot to lock the loo door and was bust in on, but instead of being mortified like everyone else would be she just cackled “THIT’S AMOYZING! A NEW FRIND! COME ON IN AND LET’S HAVE A PARTY!” and a romance was born.

They waddle over to Tess, who asks Ainsley if he’s shocked to be in the Bottom 2. He at least has the honesty to say that he is, a bit, but it’s up to the public and the judges and if he has to dance again, so be it. Tess asks Craig what Ainsley needs to do to save himself, and Craig says that a good clean set of cha cha steps should do it. Dressed as a penguin. In a disco routine. Got it. Natalie gets very earnest and says that she and Ainsley are going to go out there and give it EVERYTHING AND THEN SOME. I don’t doubt it. If you could rumage around backstage and do the tomato-tits again though Nat, that’d be great. Ainsley then carries on, saying this is what he’s trained for all week and Natalie is such a great teacher that he really wants to deliver for her. Tess meanwhile thinks

“NEXTITEMNEXTITEMNEXTITEMUNEXPECTEDITEMINTHETESSINGAREA”

Said item being

Claud 9, where Kellie and Jay are holding hands whilst their respective partners both plot their next move. Claudia immediately calls Georgia out for being emotional, but then sweeps on to Jay to congratulate him for THAT JIVE ™. Jay says it was the best Saturday in his living memory. Nice use of “was” there, still on the ball. Claudia next turns to Jeremy, and discuses with him just what he thinks he has to do to impress Craig. And then implies that him doing a routine entirely in the bath might have something to do with it. (I would…not be averse to that oddly enough. God it’s a lean series). Will a naked Jeremy Vine doing the jive in a hot-tub get Craig to raise his 4? Find out next week etc etc

Oh and as if that’s not enough spoilers, Carol is doing the paso next week. Here’s her paso face :

I think we all know what it should be:

or maybe she’s saving that for Hallowe’en. Finally we go back to Georgia to clear up that whole “Georgia is emotional” thing. Georgia says that’s she’s definitely emotional. Well, glad we cleared that up then. Overwhelming. And that.

Next up :

Andrea Bocelli sings “Don’t Cry For Me Argentina”, featuring

Aljaz as “Me” and Janette as “Argentina”. At least I presume it’s her, she’s the one with her pampas on display.

That over with, we move on to

LEN’S GLANS! (Slate Len’s Lens? You don’t have to tell *me* twice) The judges walk on to cowboy music as Claudia introduces them as “The Good, The Bad, The Ugly, And The Girl One So We Don’t Include Her In Any Jokes”. Sorry, “The Darcey”. We start of course, with THAT JIVE and as Len gushes, we are presented with proof that there is no routine on this show so amazing that dragging it through Len’s Glans won’t highlight

the parts where it was out of sync. Although my favourite part is how Len repeats that lie about how he only looks at women’s feet as Aliona does this.

SURE LEN, TELL US ANOTHER ONE. Next to be discussed is Kellie & Kevin, which I enjoy for the look of sheer excitement on Kevin’s face throughout

It’s like a dog after a frisbee isn’t it? Still mustn’t discuss this as apparently YOU ALL HATE FUN. Next we move on to Peter Andre’s Mysterious Doble, and Craig and Darcey debate whether you can tell from the following

what Peter’s doing with his neck. Craig says you can, Darcey says you can’t, mostly I boggle at who thought those boots were a good idea. He looks like a gay Womble. Fortunately Craig is happy to get up and give us all a demo

as is Bruno. I did think for one glorious moment that Bruno was in Pranking Bruno mode, like when he sliding tackled Darcey to get her to stop prattling on, and was about to yank Craig’s trousers down. We close with Bruno discussing Jeremy’s Charleston and calling it “divine madness”. I…still think it was quite boring, but we have established I am alone in that. Bruno congratulates Jeremy for exceding his expectations. We’ll see next week during NUDE JIVE WEEK. (Jeremy is quite lanky…)

Next up, our second round of Filthy Faces :





Don’t judge Tristan, he’s a young man, it’s his first time, he probably thinks he’s horribly ill to have these fluids leaking out of him. This leaves Daniel and Anthony as our Bottom 2 Before The Bottom 2, presumably because Daniel got off to such a lead in the race to be crowned Strictly Safety Sex Face Champion 2015 and he needs pegging back.

He’s not actually going anywhere, obviously. The O’Donnell Grey Mafia are not that easily stopped. Anthony and Oti tromp down to the judges for his pre-fight weigh-in, and Tess asks him how he’s feeling. Anthony says that he’s half relaxed (is that the half that’s working?) because he was expecting it. He tells Tess that he’s going to make one big last effort, and hopefully that’ll be enough to push him over the line. I think the word “last” is the clue to Anthony’s headspace there. Tess asks Len what Anthony needs to do, and Len starts with he needs to “give it a go Ogogo”. Fairly sure you passed your limit with joking about his surname about two weeks ago show, but ok. He tells Anthony to find the right balance between passion and finesse. Also go back in time and unfuck your shoulder, that might help.

Up to Claud 9 now, where

Kirsty is ruffling her doggy foof and Katie is doing an uncanny impersonation of iconic Jim Carrey movie “The Mask”. Claudia turns to Jamelia and tells her that she thought Georgia was emotional to be saved but her reaction takes the cake. So many emotions! Funny I’m mostly hearing giggling. Jamelia says it’s fantastic to be safe, but also bittersweet because one of her mates is going home. At this, the camera swings to

this array of faces. And with mates like this etc etc. Claudia then turns to Peter and openly takes the piss out of what a great big panto he makes of “listening to the judges comments respectfully” and it sails right over Peter’s little head bless him.

Don’t be bitter just because he nicked your eyeliner this week Clauds. Learn to share. Katie’s next, and Claudia tells her that she looked so nervous and Katie wattles that she *was* near the bottom of the leaderboard so it was a bit scary and then tries to thank all her fans down the camera-lens but can’t quite focus.

I’m saying to expect a “who would win a shots drinking face-off between Katie and Drunken Auntie Debbie?” in the next full recap is what I’m saying. We close with Claudia asking Daniel if he will miss being Danny Zuko and Daniel drawls that he

might keep a little bit of him. I’ve never been more terrified.

Next up : a trailer for It Takes Two. It’s the usual mish-mash but at least it’s not a 5 minute long VT of all the remaining couples saying “ooooh I don’t want to go home just yet, it’s my Dead Nan’s anniversary in two weeks I just wanna make it that far (and then Blackpool if poss)” like we used to get, before we return to a very costume party

Claud 9, waiting for the final showdown. Anthony says he just wants to enjoy this dance because it might be his last, Oti tells him to let his soul and his passion show through the music, Ainsley apologises to Natalie for letting her down and Natalie gets all

earnest and intense about how he hasn’t, as per Natalie.

Not yet.

It’s another clean sweep, with all four judges opting to count Anthony out in the third round. He tells Tess that he’s had a great time and he’s really bonded with Oti to the point where he’s sorry she got lumbered with him. Funny how circular life can be like that, eh? Also he reveals that he can’t even brush his teeth at the moment because of his shoulder and…GREAT JOB CASTING DEPARTMENT. Oti talks about how she has made great friends with Anthony, and it goes without saying that she should come back next year right? Good.

So we lose our two SPORTSMEN first, which makes me think firstly that someone should make sure to check on Len tonight and see if he’s ok, and secondly that we’re in for a reverse of the Series 4 boot order, and newsreader Katie Derham is going to win after Daniel O’Donnell has a heart attack in the final 3. YEAR OF THE ANTON.

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22 thoughts on “Strictly Come Dancing 13 – Week 3 Results

  1. Martin

    Best Safety-sex faces?

    Carol and Pasha’s “how the f*** did we get through?”
    and
    Kirsty and Brendon thinking the same thing: “We’re through” but one with happy thoughts, the other not so much. Guess which is which…lol

    Reply
    1. Marcela

      Brenda’s face is a delight, isn’t it? “Do I really have to put up with this another week?” He can’t be more pissed off right now.

      Reply
    2. monkseal Post author

      Kirsty and Brendan’s face was an uncanny repeat of his face when it was revealed that everyone went through to the final in Series 6.

      Reply
  2. Krumholtz

    I also was entirely underwhelmed and a bit bored by Jezza’s charleston. I thought it was overmarked. Also. For the love of glittah, can we lose Jamelia? She is about to realise that She isn’t very good, and then she’ll have a break down and Tristan will not cope and it will be awful telly. Although I still secretly hope for someone else to refuse to come back for the final like the original numbers bitch. #VODERMAN4EVA

    Reply
    1. monkseal Post author

      I’m sure she’ll just inanely giggle her way through everything, it seems to be her coping strategy.

      Reply
  3. DJ Mikey

    I’m appalled that we haven’t been provided with a decent shot of Tristan’s barely contained resentment at being lumbered with Jamelia..

    Reply
  4. Luke

    I’m sure plenty of people would be on board with that reverse series 4 boot order, because it’d mean Peter and Georgia would be the next two out and Jamelia would finish seco… no, never mind…

    Reply
  5. BeyonceCastle

    It’s funny Mikey I could have sworn when I watched it the first time he looked positively glum but having just rewatched the results show I am struggling to find any shot where he isn’t smiling or squeezing her shoulder. On the Saturday he looks at worst a bit rictus when she says she is going to cry and in the goodbye Anthony footage his mind is away the leprechauns but the image in my head is not there…maybe I was projecting?!

    Reply
  6. Neio

    Gleb again seems to have the smuggest SSF ever. Kevin’s looks quite terrifying. Brendan’s is hilarious. Jay seems to show as much facial expression in his Safety Sex Face as he does when he’s dancing i.e. none. (I think he’s a great dancer, but he seriously needs to work on that.)

    My biggest problem with Jeremy’s Charleston is that I didn’t even realise it was supposed to be a Charleston. I thought it was an American Smooth until my bf told me otherwise.

    Reply
    1. monkseal Post author

      To be fair, with American Smooths turning into Contemporary and Charlestons turning into Musical Theatre even the genres brought in to be a bit muddy and undefined are getting ridiculously watered out.

      Reply
  7. Huriye

    Uh-Oh! Jay could be derailed this week Quickstepping to the Who’s My Generation?!!? I can’t see much finesse or technique happening there to that track, with Wardrobe’s finest Mod mullarkey get up. Oh dear. Wonder how Aliona will pitch it? She might as well keep her black bob wig on.

    I really hope ITT put the guilty on the sofa asap re these music choices. And the only decent one – a proper Paso tune – is wasted on Rabbit in the Headlights Carol! Gawd!
    Be prepared for another 1960s stylee Kevin special. Aw it’ll remind me of Will & Hanna’s lovely Foxtrot. I just hope Hayley sings it properly and didn’t go all Minnie mouse. (Dream a Little Dream Mamma Cass).

    Reply
    1. Trundles

      Agreed about the proper paso music, Huriye. Grrr. But someone on the production team must be chuffed that they’ve got Giovanni to dance to a track from one of Vincent’s previous celebs!
      Thank you for another great recap Monkseal, particularly for pointing out that Peter may have stolen Claudia’s eyeliner.

      Reply
  8. Mared

    It must have been torture for Natalie when she couldn’t commiserate with Otlile and Anthony because Ainsley was away with the fairies. “C’mon we must go to them before Tess’s tentacles do!…Too late – Nooooo!”

    Reply

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