Has the ho ever gone out first before? I’m guessing not.
We open with a pro dance that celebrates our female professional dancers set to “Only Girl In The World” by Rihanna. Now Joanne told us all on It Takes Two : Live, in between Karen throwing some dice on the floor, Robin proving to be the worst presenter this show’s ever had, yes, worse than those 30 seconds of Ronnie Corbett in Series 7, and Aled Jones never shutting up, that this routine would celebrate the individual and feminine dance specialities of all our female pros. Dance specialities like
laying the table for dinner
throwing glitter in your own face
standing in a big pink dress waving your arms about
and hanging from stuff. Don’t doubt Joanne’s value as a back stage reporter though, she also told us other definitely true gossip like “everyone gets on” and “Jason Gilkison is a creative genius”.
Fortunately, before all the women give in to their urges after spending too much time alone together with pink lighting THE BOYS arrive (this is a family show after all) and show off their masculine dance talents
ie throwing the birds around in the air and jumping around pulling focus. After all the woman is the picture, and the man is the frame, and Tess is the woman noisily stomping around the gallery with a red umbrella talking bollocks to tourists. Anyway, for all my sarcasm it’s a very nice routine (and a ballroom routine for a change), even if I do spend most of it wondering if someone shouldn’t go check if Janette hasn’t accidentally garotted herself.
Hooray for, like, women and stuff.
Even when they turn up dressed like this (it’s alright Tess, a couple of safety pins will fix it).
Claudia and Tess thank Dave Arch and his Wunnerful Orchestra for serving as the soundtrack that routine, and tell us that if we like, we can watch the whole thing from every conceivable angle, 360 degrees, with the show’s entire retinue of camera, on the website. They do realise I’m just going to use them to try to see The Man In The Hat right? They also tell us that we’re due a guest number from Rod Stewart, which hasn’t been shot from 360 degrees, presumably so we don’t see where he’s plugged into his Lazarus Chamber at the back. Oh and also we’re having a dance off and Len’s Glans and all that other good stuff. No “That’s Claudia!” but I’m sure by Week 10 nobody’s mum will have been left unWinkled.
First up though, time for our judges to indifferently whirl on.
Did you know that this is rehearsed? And apparently it is called “The Strictly”? And apparently we’re all going to be taught how to do it soon, like I need a 5 minute segment on It Takes Two to learn how to awkwardly advance on someone down the stairs like a lecherous rival of Audrey Forbes Hamilton, a la Darcey Bussell every week? Because I don’t, that’s how I came out the womb.
Secondly first up : Your Week In Greg
Thirdly second up : Our first round of Safety Sex-Faces of the run.
As always, give them time to warm up, at least half of them know they’re going nowhere and at least half of the other half think they know it. In particular I’m expecting greater things from Helen in weeks to come. Not so much Giovanni, whose Big Book Of Italian Stereotypes seems to fall short of overblown emotional engagement. First in the dance-off meanwhile are Iwan and Ola
Yeah, she looks devo’d. They wander over to Tess, where Iwan says that he’s really sad to be here, and that he’s always said he’s not a natural dancer, but that he was going to try his best and improve. Yes, he did say that a lot didn’t he? From all my years of watching reality tv I’ve got the feeling that there’s very little, other than Jamelia, that pisses off the audience more than someone who’s clearly already written their own script in their heads. We’re the ones wielding the pen, hun, don’t count your chickens. He promises the judges he’ll do his best to be less aggressive in the dance-off and Len’s all “I doubt it”.
Up to Claud 9 now where
Kellie and Georgia are holding Eastenders-Corrie conciliation talks. Dare we hope for peace in soaps? Claudia spots this sororising and does the whole “YOUR ICKKLE FACE!” routine on Georgia to break it up. Georgia tells Claudia that waiting for her name to be called was even more terrorising to her nerves than dancing was. Presumably because they don’t teach “standing under a red light waiting for your name to be called out” at Italia Conti (maybe at Sylvia Young…). Kellie meanwhile tells us that hearing the Danger Zone music gives her nightmares, because she’s so nervous, and not just for herself, but for everyone.
What a giver. Jeremy next very humbly apologises for “reacting as though he’d won the entire competition”. Bless. I mean if Evil Moira thought that was going to be someone’s reaction to winning she’d have the electrodes attached, forthwith. JUMP HIGHER! SQUEAL LOUDER! WET YOURSELF A BIT! OR WORSE!
Daniel is turned to next, and he says that the Danger Music reminds him of Jaws, which is a neat segue into Movie Week, and the reveal that next week Daniel will be playing the role of
Brian Sewel…sorry Danny Zuko. From Grease. Well I know where my 3 free votes are going. Helen’s next and says that she’s still in shock, and unlike when people normally say this
actually looks like it, like, medically. I want to wrap a foil blanket around her and tell her the ambulance is coming. Finally, Peter recounts how he was discussing with Janette earlier how he was confused because normally a green light means go and a red light means stop but in this instance, the instance of waiting to see if you’re in a dance-off on Strictly Come Dancing, a red light means that you’re actually going to go, potentially, whereas a green light means that you get to stay although actually it’s not a green light is it, they just turn your light off, anyway, it’s very confusing is what he’s trying to say, because it’s not like the traffic lights is it, it’s very diffierent in fact.
I’ve got a feeling that dinner appointment with Janette and Aljaz isn’t going to be repeated.
HE’S GOT A NEW SINGLE! ABOUT HAVING A ONE NIGHT STAND WITH A BEAUTIFUL WOMAN, TRY TO LOOK SURPRISED! I think generally it speaks to everyone’s apathy about Rod’s presence here that nobody, other than Jeremy Vine, cares to join in when Claudia pulls the old “LET’S ALL SAY IT TOGETHER” act to introduce him. Think on that. Not even Peter Andre’s willing to play along with this. Seriously, how many performances did this show manage to get out of the guy in return for keeping Penny warm and fed for a month in Series 5? Because it was too many guys, you negotiated too well! At some point around the second mimed pterodactyl falsetto screech the female pros come out to vamp around aimlessly and you know who’s PARTICULARLY loving this?
It’s like she can’t believe he’s not her celebrity partner isn’t it? You can tell she thinks this is a trap.
Speaking of traps, when we’re done, we move on to
LEN’S GLANS! Which on paper is a chance to really dig into the technical nitty-gritty of the routines and explain some of the judges marking, whilst highlighting the background comedy moments we may have missed, but which instead turns out to be laughing at Craig pulling a panto face and Darcey explaining the importance of using your feet in dancing. Our first target is at least a legitimate one, as we’re going to hone in on Georgia’s lack of heel leads in her waltz. Len tells us sagely that when he was younger he used to love staring at all parts of a woman (…) but nowadays he only cares about the feet. And
LOOK LOOK! FOOT CRIME IN PROGRESS! etc etc Next Darcey is asked to talk us through Helen’s inadequecies in grinding detail so we can make her sit down and watch it later and collect her tears to use as a renewable energy source to help feed the children. As if words weren’t enough, Darcey actually gets up and explains to us all exactly what is wrong with Helen’s pelvis.
What was that about only looking at a woman’s feet nowadays Len? Anyway, Darcey tells us all for the second time this week that Helen’s rumba is going to flaming hot garbage, so let’s make sure we all put that date on our calendar’s as the site of Helen’s most spectacular psychotic break yet. Next
Craig in a lady’s hat tee hee and then Craig tells us about the lack of storytelling in Daniel’s free arm, the horror. We close with more of the looming dread that is us all being taught “The Strictly” (most of which looks uncannily like Agadoo, can we not just film ourselves doing Agadoo instead?) and then an audio clip of Tristan growling “SEXXY SEXXXY SEXXXY!” to Jamelia all the way through her cha cha, like she needed telling.
Now for some REALLY sexxy sexxy sexxy faces :
First Aliona Safety Sex-Face since Series 9 guys, treasure it. This leaves us with Jamelia and Kirsty both waiting to see which of them had the most underwhelming start of two pretty underwhemling starts. Turns out
it was Jamelia. Which is just as well because
Kirsty’s face had promised us all a rough shanking with a toothpaste handle carved into a shiv if it was her. Jamelia goes over to the judges clearly…not entirely mentally prepared for this possibility. The difference between her brave face and Tristan’s brave face is
pretty marked, is what I’m saying. To cheer her up, Tess turns to the patron saint of divas everywhere, St Bruno of Tonioli, and he tells her to improve her arm placement and keep her focus. Also, don’t roll around on the floor like a 13 year old at a school disco trying to impress the teacher he has a crush on, and you’ll fine I’m guessing.
Back to Claud 9 and happier folk we go, and Ainsley automatically loses points with me by saying that Happy Feet is one of his favourite movies (so bad, so so so so so so bad), which is fortunate because he’ll be dancing to a song from it next week. He’ll be doing the cha cha. Dressed as a penguin. Welcome to Movie Week. Claudia asks Katie next to be the spokewoman for the group and tell us how they’re all feeling about one of Iwan and Jamelia leaving, and she says it’s terrible, because they’re all a great big gang now! Any bets on who’d tip off the Feds in return for witness protection and fifty large off a bent copper? I’m guessing Andre. Or Aliona. Claudia rips on Carol over her eternal positivity having temporarily disappeared when faced with the Danger Zone, and then we skip over half the sofa, presumably because it would have involved Brenda spluttering “THIS GIRL!” over and over until he exploded in a shower of sparks, to talk about Jay’s lovely new hair some more.
Breathe it in. Or pour boilng water over it and have it for dinner with some beansprouts, shredded chicken and soy sauce *shrug*
Next up : Helen’s bloopers
FROM THE FUTURE apparently. This being a short skit featuring people messing up the lines for the Comedy VTs in not very amusing ways. Because it’s Movie Week next week. I’m not sure if I’m more terrified by the idea of Tess as director or Claudia as cameraman to be honest.
Back to Claud 9 again where
Tess’ Sincere Face has just kicked in like an out-of-control hovermower ploughing through a garden fence. Jamelia, still looking thoroughly miserable, says that she’s going to take what te judges said and put it into the dance and Iwan very earnestly says that he never gives up and that he’s not a quitter.
It’s alright Iwan, Bruno will do it for you. My favourite part of the judges deliberations? When Craig says that he’s going to save the couple who danced really…………better than the other couple. Because of course “well” would be a lie. Iwan is very gracious in defeat, thanking the judges and the other contestants and Ola, although he does still seem a bit wedded to convincing us that he was a better dancer at the end of his Strictly experience than at the beginning. I mean
anyone want to compare this to his form at the Launch Show and get back to me? Her screams certainly sound louder this time.