A hotch-potch hokey-pokey hobby-lobby patched together recap thingummy for MARATHON WEEK!
Anton, I Ish ready for FIFTEEN *hic* CUPPLES and two HOURSH OF DANCING but there’s not enough *hic* gin in the world for one of Monkseal’s Early Series Cop Out Recaps
Yes, as in years past, 15 celebrities is too much to watch in one go without having to stop halfway through to be sprayed down and have a Kit Kat, let alone recap, so you’re in for a random blitz of paragraphs, polls, pictures and penis jokes before the real business recommences next week.
She’s Giving It Her All, But She’s Not The Girl You’re Taking Home, She Keeps Dancing On Her Own
At the end of the credits, every week. Presumably this is just her being “kept involved” so that when the gender balance reshifts next year they can slot her back into the cast without any fuss, whilst also keeping the Clifton Clan on side. And at least it’s Joanne so she looks genuinely involved – I’m imagining here an equivalent shot of Aliona sat on a chair rolling her eyes and filing her nails – but on the other hand I fear for the sanity of anyone who turns up to It Takes Two dressed like this
at the age of 31 squealing about her cool new lunchbox.
Anthony Ogogo’s Fiancee Is Watching You Eat Ice-Cream Right Out The Tub And Judging You
Judges Greatest Words Of Wisdom Of The Week
“The key to the American Smooth is the word smooth. It has to be smooth”
“You had great alert!”
“I was slightly distracted by Brendan’s opening”
“You’ve got to get a little bit lower. Really go down and go to town”
“I can see a Fred Astaiire in you! I know you’ve got it!”
“When you woosh your dress, try to make it look beautiful”
“It’s hard when there’s so much going on down below”
“You cannot murder a cha cha, you have to dance it!”
“I don’t know what that was on the floor over there but I never want to see it again”
“I loved the contemporary feel” (about a Charleston where the protagonists were dressed as Bonnie & Clyde)
“When you did stop I didn’t feel you living into the next move, you need to lift through those moments”
“It was truly a mango of a tango”
and two airings of “THE BOYS ARE RIGHT!” to make up for its absence last week
Jamelia – Hair Wars
Yes, Jamelia came into this week looking like she’s just stepped out of the salon. Unfortunately for her, it was the poodle grooming salon, being run by an inebriated former Big Brother contestant. One of the Channel 5 ones. There were great big clumps, random strands flying everyone, and the fact that the entire routine was being flanked by wind machines made the whole thing look a bit like someone was suffering premature death via candy-floss machine in a Final Destination Movie. It looked like something Tina Turner wore in Mad Max 3 to stave off the nuclear apocalypse. If you could take your eyes off her barnet, or Tristan clomping around around her like he was auditioning for Magic Mike 3 : The Uncut Edition (direct to Netflix), she was supposed to be doing a cha cha, the theme of which was “Jamelia is a major popstar (incredibly far-fetched to the point it strained credulity) and also a massive diva (not so much)”. And it was to cha chas pretty much exactly thing as Peter’s was, except that Peter has spent the last decade constantly plying and honing his pop trade, whereas Jamelia has spent it sat on her arse on Loose Women telling us all her opinions about Colonel Gaddafi. That is…she’s a bit rusty.
Claudia’s Fashion Parade
SHOCKER AS SIBERIAN SIREN RAUNCHY RIHANOFF LEADS INNOCENT DANIEL O’DONNELL DOWN THE WICKED PATH TO DEBAUCHERY AND SIN!
HORSE RACING AND GAMBLING!
ENCOURAGING HIM TO ENTER HER RING!
Erm…WHATEVER SHE’S DOING TO HIM HERE!
In truth Daniel’s Charleston wasn’t out of control or over the top or swiveltastic darling, or any of the things the judges apparently expect from the Charleston, but it was definitely fun, like the local vicar hepped up on too much dandelion and burdock at the square dance after the church bazaar and trying to show the young people of the parish that he’s still got it. And kudos to Kristina for giving him a solo moment to shine with her off…feeding a stallion her sugar lumps or whatever she was doing, even if you he did mostly use it to randomly cock his leg and clap off beat. I guess that was the style at the time.
Just some warm-up tips there in case you’re still suffering after the off-season, don’t mind me.
Honestly Brendan hasn’t spent this much time with his face this close to the business end of a lady since his wife gave birth. When you kick a routine off with a nip slip you know you’re in for a high old time of it, and Kirsty and Brenda brought the parade of raunch that kicked off the show this week to its logical conclusion. And also, presumably, Kirsty’s “what, little old me, be sexy, I’d cringe myself inside out” storyline, as after doing this, I’m not sure where is left to go other than full-on vulva shots. Hopefully it’s got her nerves well and truly worked out of her system, and next week we can go back to routines that don’t involve her flying around in the air maniacally like a pornographic TARDIS.
A Rare Shot Of A Female Dancer Eating, Treasure It
She doesn’t look at all comfortable does she?
Jay – Hair Wars
Anyone else got the feeling Moira Ross In A Rainbow Wig saw the edit of last week and slammed one of her imps into the wall yelling “THAT’S NOT MY CUTESY “UNDERDOG” HUNK, HE LOOKS LIKE HE’S IN DEF BLOODY LEPPARD, GET IT CUT NOW!!!”. I do love how they made this the most overhyped makeover in the history of reality tv by making him hide it under a fedora until his VT was done. I’m surprised they didn’t go the full retcon and have him turn up in paint-spattered overalls and nerd glasses before Aliona got to work to a soundtrack of Kiss Me by Sixpence None The Richer. The non-real, VT narrative reason for this makeover is that the waltz is classy and everyone with long hair is a right scutter, so it HAD TO GO. I’m surprised they didn’t go the whole hog and have his tattoo laser-removed. In the end, on the floor
the effect was mostly that it made him look like a young Noel Edmonds, but maybe that’s the lighting who can say? His waltz was a very Aliona waltz, in that she made absolutely sure that his elegant arms and exquisite spins were shown off to the fullest, although she didn’t quite go the full Harry Judd hog (…sorry, the phrase “Harry Judd hog” gave me pause then) and work in a moment where they sat together wistfully on the stairs (ON PURPOSE, MATT DI ANGELO). I hope she reconnects with her wacky choreography roots soon. Nothing will get the showman out of Jay like vampire custard-thieves on the moon.
If you’re going to spill coffee in a comedy VT, the net result of which is that someone has to change their t-shirt, aim better next time.
Iwan’s Cha Cha (or : A Mid Life Crisis Rhapsody In Hot Pink)
Some athletes take retirement harder than others I guess. Honestly, if I hadn’t heard these two were friends I would be presuming that Ola was pulling the same sort of Wk 2 troll-job that saw off Paul Daniels in Series 8, trying to make Iwan look as ridiculous as possible. Instead I have to give kudos to the ineffable ways of the Blindfolded Dart-Throwing Song Choice Monkeys who contrived to have a fully grown man rip his shirt open and jiggle about aimlessly as the music yells “I PIMP TO THE BEAT!”, “I GOT PASSION IN MY PANTS!” and best of all “WIGGLE WIGGLE WIGGLE WIGGLE WIGGLE YEAH! WIGGLE WIGGLE WIGGLE WIGGLE WIGGLE YEAH! DO THE WIGGLE MAN! DO THE WIGGLE!” after a VT where Ola motivated him by giving him Wine Gums whilst he said, literally “I like it when Ola gives me sweeties, it makes me smile” like one of those creepy-ass Haribo adverts where the adults talk like four year olds. No wonder Anton’s laughing his head off. You don’t get to be on this show over a decade without recognising a hatchet job when you see one. The whole thing was so misguided that it resulted in Len using “YOU CAME AHHHHT!” as an insult. Ponder on that. Len was telling someone to stay in.
The Auditions For The Lead Role In The New Eric Morecombe Biography Are Going Poorly
The Devil Came Down To Teach Georgia Georgraphy
I’m not sure what was worst, Tess introducing this week’s waltz to Georgia On My Mind by saying the song is “set in Georgia” (it’s not, that’s the entire point of the song, that the protagonist isn’t in Georgia), Georgia herself saying that “Georgia is the writer’s home town” (oy) or the set-dressers and costume department making the whole thing, based around a song from one of the most iconic figures of the 20th century black civil rights struggle, up to resemble some sort of plantation fantasia.
(Although I will never be totally miffed in a series where it’s been two weeks in a row now of someone basically playing Blanche Duboix) Georgia danced the thing quite sweetly, although she seems to be more of a Latin girl, and the Natalie Lowe head roll that gets thrown in looks more like she’s violently sneezed
and sent her head all wobbly than anything else. Maybe that’s what that…gloss all over Giovanni was during the judges critiques. He’s not unnaturally sweaty, he doesn’t moisteurise with olive oil (BECAUSE HE’S-A-ITALIAN), Georgia’s just got the flu. On the whole, the whole thing felt a bit like one of those early ballroom dances Abbey used to do which you forgot about as soon as she finished them. Oh and it turns out afterwards that she didn’t do one heel lead in the entire thing OOPS, THANKS LEN.
A Variety Of Contestants Try Not To Look Too Pissy About Judges Comments, With Varying Degrees Of Success
BBC Blasted As It Is Revealed That The Winner Of SAS : Ultimate Hell Week May Have Received Undue Favouritism From The Producers :
What Up, Tomato Tits?
Don’t ask where the green pepper’s gone, you don’t want to know. Yes, Natalie’s finger has remained whamming the Camp Button without pause since the second the credits rolled last week, overloading Ainsley’s salsa with moment after moment after moment of boggle-eyed guilty delight
all culminating on a close up of
Ainsley’s terrifyingly active gyrating shimmying arse. I’m slightly terrified as to what might happen if they get a waltz or a rumba or something that needs to be played a little bit more po-faced before he leaves, because I think the poor woman might break trying to keep a straight face. Kudos also to Ainsley for dancing the thing with the limpest wrists I’ve seen since I last watched Are You Being Served. Next week apparently they’re going to be dancing in penguin outfits. I’m not sure if this is the best or the worst thing I’ve ever heard.
A Present For Craig
In his bed, tomorrow night, at 10pm. Daniel
hopes he can count on your vote in the event of any future dance-off appearances, Revel-Horwood.
Carol’s American Smoo…Foxtrot, Foxtrot, Honestly It Was Going To Be A Foxtrot The Entire Time
Bless her. I’m guessing Evil Moira saw what happened every time she moved away from Pasha and changed genre on her as part of the quest to hurl Iwan under the bus. The story appeared to be that Carol and Pasha were caught in a rainstorm, and Pasha had an umbrella but he wouldn’t let Carol use it
but Carol was too determinedly and delusionally cheerful to object. Seriously, 90 seconds of routine and she’s not under it once. I’ve seen a few people say that Pasha goofed by clinging so dementedly onto a prop for an entire routine but literally the only thing keeping me interested was the possibilty of Carol hauling off and slapping him in the face all “I’M GETTING WET HERE BIZZOTCH, THIS ISN’T FUNNY!”.
Giovanni Munches On Chocolate Sausage (Come On Google Hits!)
(In reality this was blood pudding, not anything awful involving Ainsley and the collapse of Giovanni’s “I LOVE-A-DAH-LAYDEEEZ!!!” reputation, because Georgia had taken Giovanni OOP NORTH for yet another wacky culture clash VT)
HEY KELLIE, LET’S PLAY A GAME!
It’s called “The You Stand Still Game”. To be fair to Kevin, this is only the very start of their cha cha, and it does move beyond her standing there airing her armpit out whilst he does pratfalls around her sexiness. Although between that power stance and
this one, Kevin has some odd ideas about sexy poses for ladies. I don’t think we’ll be seeing that one on the cover of Vogue Italia any time soon. The whole routine is really more of a cheeky seaside postcard than anything to compete wiith the parade of frot-fests that started the show, complete with more chip-pinching than a whole flock of seagulls. A lot of it comes across as the sort of thing you’d do to hide a lack of technique which odd because Kellie’s tehnique seems fine, for all that the judges call the dance out as being too “spiky and aggressive” (which…not after scoring Andre 30 last week you don’t). Maybe Kellie didn’t have time to train a full routine given that they appeared to have spent AN ENTIRE DAY filming a comedy VT set by the Thames, who can say?
Aliona’s Faces Of Existential Bliss Bordering On Smugness If We’re Honest
It’s nice to see her happy, at any rate.
Here Comes The Rain Again
Just out of shot : Pasha dancing around with a plastic umbrella, laughing loudly. The rain here though is to represent the soulful torment running through Anthony and Oti’s waltz, a routine about a woman, and a man, and emotional difficulties. Given the amount of time he spends clutching at his chest
I’m going to guess he’s been diagnosed with some sort of heart problem. How very Lifetime Original Movie. The problem here of course is that Anthony’s shoulder still hasn’t fully healed, and so he can’t get the waltz hold at all right. He looks like he’s about to bundle Oti up under his arm like she’s a hall rug he’s bought from IKEA which he’s about to bundle into the back of his car, and the constant torso clutching and cheesy soundtrack (“If You Don’t Know Me By Now”) made the thing resemble an advert for Gaviscon rather than something being done for votes on Strictly. Still, he still seems like a sweetheart, so we’ll let him off.
Exclusive Pictures From Helen George’s Hen Night : Only On This Blog
SOME ON LADIES, LET’S DRINK LAMBRINI AND GOOSE SOME STRANGERS! HUZZAH!
It’s alright Caz, someone will want to marry you too some day, don’t cry, you’re a beautiful soul inside and out!
NO CAZ, NO! STRIPPERS ARE PEOPLE TOO, DON’T GRAB HIM THERE!
Blue Steel And Magnum rob a bank
What a pair of models. To think this cast has both Kirsty Gallacher and Jamelia in it and they’re getting comprehensively out-werk’d by the “tomboy” from Countryfile, The One Show and Four Rooms. Look at her Gangster Dragon Lady Here :
I’m never going to stop wagging my finger and yelling “FEEEE-YUS” to be honest. Gleb’s stint as Most Pimped Newbie Pro also continued a-pace this week as he became the first pro, possibly ever, to be allowed to choreograph his own Charleston (not that it’s stopped half of the other pros claiming the credit for it when they feel like it…). It…looked more or less like every other Charleston ever on the show, except Gleb had replaced the “character moments” with moments where he personally did a backflip or a one-handed cartwheel (lol what a showboater). And to be honest, the character moments are always the worst moments of a Charleston so good on him. Of course, any time a routine on this show is flagged up as different we all know what it means – Craig and Darcey love it, Len *hates* it. Although in this case you had the comedy addition of Bruno on the sidelines yapping “BUT SHE MADE MISTAKES! IN THE DANCE! SHE WAS OUT OF TIME! MISTAKES!”. LOL at caring about the dancing in a Charleston Bruno, you continue to crack me up. (I did mostly agree).
A Flashback To When Alex Jones Got Caught Dressing Up In Mummy’s Wardrobe Again
Oh yeah, Alex Jones and Matt Baker helped Gleb with the Charleston choreography apparently, you could really see their fingerprints all over it.
The Oddy In The Library
Do we know why this routine took place in a library? Other than because Jeremy is a “serious journalist” and EGG-HEAD LIKES HIS BOOKY BOOK? Even then
you can tell he’s slipped a picture of a nudey lady into there. Regardless, Jeremy’s American Smooth looked a lot like his cha cha last week, except more of it (just about) was in hold, and less of it (more or less) was out of hold, so it was less fun. I mean…I know if you read between the lines it’s fairly obvious that of all the female pros, all of whom I *love*, Karen is the one who I *love* the least, but I’m starting to think it might be beneficial for this pairing if she just does the choreography and then hives off for a cigarette and a quick game of Candy Crush during the actual routine, because as it is, she’s only serving as a barrier between Jeremy and…whatever the opposite of touching the divine is.
Gleb spots a mirror again
Things That Did Not Happen In Anton & Katie’s tango to “Telephone” by Lady Gaga ft Beyonce that I honestly would have appreciated : a poll
Things That Did Happen In Anton & Katie’s tango to “Telephone” by Lady Gaga ft Beyonce that I honestly appreciated
A quite good tango? I was amused by people praising Anton for “keeping it traditional”, as he danced to an ersatz stringifying of a pop song dressed in a velvet smoking jacket and faun polo neck on the set of Playmobil’s My First Noel Coward Play with Katie swooning off the chaise longue like she had an attack of the vapours/something else
(please note that at this point your recapper is making a “drinky drinky” motion) complete with amazingly melodramatic false finish and
petit mort moments. But I guess that’s where we are with “authenticity” on this show at this point. And where we’ve always been with Anton and Erin’s brand of camp being sometimes one notch too subtle for this show’s audience. I do love the storylining of the beginning of the dance incidentally – it comes across very :
*ring ring ring ring*
Katie : Anton, come quickly, I’m about to fall off the sofa.
Anton : I’ll be right there! TO THE ANTONMOBILE!
By God I hope there’s an Antonmobile. All in all, she could still stand to be a little less wobbly, but really this was the closest the night came to a Sophie’s Charleston/Jake’s Salsa *moment* for me. It’s been a fun couple of weeks so far, but that kick of ignition to make the engines roar hasn’t quite come yet.
KNEES UP PETER ANDRE, KNEES UP PETER ANDRE
YOU KNOBBED JORDAN, YOU KNOBBED JORDAN, KNEES UP PETER ANDRE! I feel a lot of “I honestly don’t dislike Peter Andre as a person but…” in this blog’s future. Because I don’t. I didn’t dislike Emma Bunton either (She is, after all, the fourth best Spice Girl which is still nothing to sneeze at). But bits of this quickstep were pretty baffling. There’s the ludicrous high knees, the Charleston bits that looked like he was trying to flick dog-dirt off his shoes before he trod it into the carpet, there’s the bit of the choreography where he and Janette just walk backwards and forwards FIVE TIMES IN A ROW…he’s a good showboater and he clearly hears the music as well as anyone in the competition, but he could do with calming down and being a little less manic and aggressive and gimmicky and a bit more refined and cau…oh wait he’s got Janette hasn’t he, never mind.
FANCY AN OIL CHANGE?
I hate to say it, as much as I’m all for Aljaz turning up dressed as a dirty grease-monkey, between this very obvious “Uptown Girl” themed cha cha and last week’s rote opening waltz, I’m starting to think he’s slowly retreating back to his slightly dry Clancey-days. Thank God Helen’s still here to
bring the insanity. Her hips are a little “clunk click every trip” and she does a tendency towards snapping her arms from one locked position to another, but I’m glad she’s such a reliable source of vibrating batshittery. No Ali Bastians here. It was a clear highlight of my night when the first words Craig uttered in critique were “…you could afford to loosen up a bit, to be honest”. NO SHIT.
GET SOMEONE OUT! GET SOMEONE OUT!
So, as with last series, next week’s show is still too daunting in length for me to scale entirely so I am yet again offering you the chance to vote someone off the recap. Last year you selected Pixie Lott as your victim, and then decided a few weeks later that you basically all liked her after all. On the other hand, maybe this blog’s harsh verdict on her presence on the show is the impetus she needed to push her to do that iconic run of samba-tango-foxtrot-paso that made the middle of last series…watchable. Whoever gets the most votes in the below poll will be summarily ignored next week. Use your votes wisely.
IT’SH ALRIGHT ANTON, I FOUND MY HIDDEN SHTASCH, WE MADE IT! WE MADE IT TO THE END!