Jay & Aliona : He and Aliona reminisce about when he used to be famous/a composite part of something that was famous, and then he does a cha cha that shows great promise may bloom once he stops bricking himself, because his technique at base, underneath the rot and Aliona’s ever wobbly latin choreography, seems to be the best of anyone in the show this year. He plays a rock singer who sooths a troubled groupie, and it’s nice to see Aliona only PRETENDING to cry during a week 1 routine.
Kirsty & Brendan : lol she’s terrible
Jeremy & Karen : lol he’s also terrible but we have at least identified the duffer with comedy value rather than cringe value or “well at least we can almost see Pasha’s nipples” value alone. I guess when in doubt just go for someone vaguely associated with politics and make them look as stoopid as possible. He does a very daddy long-legs cha cha to September by Earth, Wind, & Fire and says that he’s a VERY SERIOUS JOURNALIST a lot which…ok hun.
Georgia & Giovanni : They’re both still regional archetypes in search of one actual personality between them, but she’s not as awkward and terrible at the dancing bit as she maybe seemed during the Opening Night Car Crash. She needs to pick her feet up though and the Meaghan Trainor jive track isn’t tempering the natural annoyance factor.
Ainsley & Natalie : Like Erin in her dying days, Natalie is responding to her decreasing relevance to the show by going PURE CAMP, as she produces a tango danced to ABBA in which Ainsley is a dirrrrty French sleaze and she dances on tables. His posture is appalling and it’s Ainsley Harriott, so the concept of Continental ferocity was always going to get lost under gurny gurning, but he’s WEARING AN ACTUAL BERET AND DANCING TO VOULEZ VOUS so who cares?
Katie & Anton : Katie takes Anton to the Last Night Of The Proms, which is kind of joyous, and she dances the jive to Roll Over Beethoven like she’s pished off her face on Lambrinis, which is kind of joyous, and everyone acts like Anton REALLY COULD WIN THIS YEAR even as he barely nudges ahead of Daniel O’Donnell into the top half of the leaderboard, which is also kind of joyous. I’m not sure they can coast on diminished expectations for an entire three months but let’s just enjoy the moment whilst we can.
Iwan & Ola : It’s hard to believe there was ever a time we were excited that one day Iwan Thomas might do Strictly at this point isn’t it? He barely trains, does a truly awful constipated looking tango that starts with him running in a circle forever like he’s Christopher Parker, and then Len tells him that because he’s a SPORTSMAN he’ll probably have a journey anyway, don’t worry about it. Ola meanwhile, looks bloody bored.
Jamelia & Tristan : Jamelia and Tristan’s entire relationship so far is apparently based on him desperately trying anything he can up to and including the hose to get her to stop laughing, but it just doesn’t work. Might I suggest a picture of Javine? Anyway apparently Jamelia messes up her waltz something rotten but I don’t notice because I am staring at Tristan the entire time, and not for the obvious reason, but because he is the worst victim yet of Wardrobe’s obsession with squeezing all men into outfits three sizes too small. END THE MADNESS.
Peter & Janette : I’m not sure I’ve been as disappointed in a long time as when Peter Andre showed so much potential in the Launch Show and then came out and just did some pop video faffaround with a funny hat instead of a Propah Cha Cha. I mean…it’s a CHA CHA it’s not hard. I guess this is what comes of having a “90s dance battle” instead of training.