Strictly Come Dancing 13 – Week 1 Performance (2) Summary

And again

Jay & Aliona : He and Aliona reminisce about when he used to be famous/a composite part of something that was famous, and then he does a cha cha that shows great promise may bloom once he stops bricking himself, because his technique at base, underneath the rot and Aliona’s ever wobbly latin choreography, seems to be the best of anyone in the show this year. He plays a rock singer who sooths a troubled groupie, and it’s nice to see Aliona only PRETENDING to cry during a week 1 routine.

Kirsty & Brendan : lol she’s terrible

Jeremy & Karen : lol he’s also terrible but we have at least identified the duffer with comedy value rather than cringe value or “well at least we can almost see Pasha’s nipples” value alone. I guess when in doubt just go for someone vaguely associated with politics and make them look as stoopid as possible. He does a very daddy long-legs cha cha to September by Earth, Wind, & Fire and says that he’s a VERY SERIOUS JOURNALIST a lot which…ok hun.

Georgia & Giovanni : They’re both still regional archetypes in search of one actual personality between them, but she’s not as awkward and terrible at the dancing bit as she maybe seemed during the Opening Night Car Crash. She needs to pick her feet up though and the Meaghan Trainor jive track isn’t tempering the natural annoyance factor.

Ainsley & Natalie : Like Erin in her dying days, Natalie is responding to her decreasing relevance to the show by going PURE CAMP, as she produces a tango danced to ABBA in which Ainsley is a dirrrrty French sleaze and she dances on tables. His posture is appalling and it’s Ainsley Harriott, so the concept of Continental ferocity was always going to get lost under gurny gurning, but he’s WEARING AN ACTUAL BERET AND DANCING TO VOULEZ VOUS so who cares?

Katie & Anton : Katie takes Anton to the Last Night Of The Proms, which is kind of joyous, and she dances the jive to Roll Over Beethoven like she’s pished off her face on Lambrinis, which is kind of joyous, and everyone acts like Anton REALLY COULD WIN THIS YEAR even as he barely nudges ahead of Daniel O’Donnell into the top half of the leaderboard, which is also kind of joyous. I’m not sure they can coast on diminished expectations for an entire three months but let’s just enjoy the moment whilst we can.

Iwan & Ola : It’s hard to believe there was ever a time we were excited that one day Iwan Thomas might do Strictly at this point isn’t it? He barely trains, does a truly awful constipated looking tango that starts with him running in a circle forever like he’s Christopher Parker, and then Len tells him that because he’s a SPORTSMAN he’ll probably have a journey anyway, don’t worry about it. Ola meanwhile, looks bloody bored.

Jamelia & Tristan : Jamelia and Tristan’s entire relationship so far is apparently based on him desperately trying anything he can up to and including the hose to get her to stop laughing, but it just doesn’t work. Might I suggest a picture of Javine? Anyway apparently Jamelia messes up her waltz something rotten but I don’t notice because I am staring at Tristan the entire time, and not for the obvious reason, but because he is the worst victim yet of Wardrobe’s obsession with squeezing all men into outfits three sizes too small. END THE MADNESS.

Peter & Janette : I’m not sure I’ve been as disappointed in a long time as when Peter Andre showed so much potential in the Launch Show and then came out and just did some pop video faffaround with a funny hat instead of a Propah Cha Cha. I mean…it’s a CHA CHA it’s not hard. I guess this is what comes of having a “90s dance battle” instead of training.


30 thoughts on “Strictly Come Dancing 13 – Week 1 Performance (2) Summary

  1. wulie

    Ainsley’s posture reminded me of Baron Greenback from Dangermouse. Sorry Ainsley.
    Kirsty’s posture wasn’t as bad as Fiona thingy’s sack of spuds look, but still, not good…
    Both Carol & Iwan had so much weather/athletic schtick thrown in that I suspect the producers think they’re not long for this series.

    Thank you Monkseal for the Gleb collection link – I shall glean much enjoyment from shouting “mambo pants” at the telly at random points during their VTs.

    1. monkseal Post author

      Carol’s schtick is really 12 years worth of build-up waiting for a weatherperson to do the show. I can’t believe there haven’t been more, every other corner of the BBC has been scraped bone dry.

  2. Josh

    I feel like Janette is just gonna hold Peter back from being ‘a bit annoying but does great dances’ ala Denise van Outen, as opposed to just being annoying like he is now, ala Denise Van Outen post-bottom 2.

    Everything about Ainsley’s routine was giving me life. Natalie must never leave.

  3. missfrankiecat

    I’m rather liking new improved nurturing Aliona instead of custard and grumps – I still maintain she’s good for the first double win what with ‘the journey’ her previously trained celeb with ‘me nerves’ is in line for. Are the producers choreographing Anton for a final blaze of glory? If he gets the dreaded samba/rumbas out of the way soon and a lot of ballroom stacked up when it matters, we’ll know they are. Janette’s choreography (and frankly, technique or lack of) is shocking.

  4. KM

    In fairness to Andre (I know, I know), I did like his dance a bit more when I watched it back the second time. I think on first impressions it suffered from how much he’d been bigged up after the launch show (which in itself was probably a bit overstated).

    Jay probably did show shades of the best technique, but I’m not sure how long he can get away with AWW BLESS ISN’T HE NERVOUS before he actually needs to start performing to get the votes.

    (I bloody hope that the thought of Tess screeching that every 5 minutes is enough incentive for him to get over it, incidentally)

  5. Huriye

    Oh, Monkseal, I really enjoyed Janette’s Cha Cha! Wow! That’s the best I’ve ever seen her Dance on Strictly, and I liked the Choreography. She looked sensational and sexy, and I’ll bet it’s a hot night in the Janette/Aljaz gaff tonight! 1 and 2 on the Leaderboard. Mind you, I spent the entire time watching her Dance, I barely noticed him, so am not sure how he did, but I loved the track and whole vibe of it.

    I also enjoyed the Gs. She’s definitely got the Chelsee with Pasha, Northern lass with new foreign pro thing going on, and there’s a touch of Louisa with Vincent, but I’m loving the youthful happiness, and lack of cynicism. Go the Gs.

    My quibble with Wardrobe is: They lined up every big busted woman and put them in the lowest cut dresses available, so we had Weather Woman last night and Georgia and Jamelia tonight with cleavage a gogo. #FamilyShowButForTheDads

    Natalie’s dress was the classiest of the weekend, she looked so gorgeous, and I want Ainsley to do really well. Obviously the coat hanger trick didn’t work this time though.

    Katie!!!!!!!!!!!! ❤ I LUV HER! ❤ She must be at least 5'10". Stunning legs and figure. Her dress moved sensationally with her body and I thought she was under marked, frankly! And nice to see Anton still keeping up the comedy but in a different way. Looking forward to their Ballroom.

    Jeremy was interesting! He put some effort into moving, albeit not in a coordinated way. And unlike Carol who walked through her routine last night.
    Kirsty was very lucky to get the scores she did, they were being kind. I knew she'd be like Gabby Logan and want to burst into tears. Brenda has already started with "this girl". *yawn*
    Jamelia was also lucky. That was a poor Waltz. I really don't get Tristan. Sorry.

    The Group has already divided into 2: Those who can and Duffers. It depends who gets the votes at both ends.

    1. monkseal Post author

      I’m wondering how long of doing not very much of any interest it’ll take for the boot to drop with Tristan. Jennifer did nothing, he took RACHEL STEVENS for the Xmas Special and did nowt with her, and now this. Maybe it’s just the Week 1 jitters for Jamelia, but I’m getting more and more peeved Trent got turfed.

  6. dancing cake

    Thank you for your Kirsty comment – I just watched it again with the sound off (my way of working out if the celebs are any good) and it was like a mix of Nancy dell O and Snowdance. I particularly enjoyed the dodgems bump in the middle. I kind of hope she’s going to hang around for a few weeks if she’s going to provide this level of entertainment.

    1. Mr Botchedangles

      I was at the show last night and saw Kirsty practising after filming was over. She looked really good (like, properly good) so I think nerves really did swamp her.

  7. Neio

    Loved Ainsley and Natalie’s routine, despite Ainsley’s bad posture. I guess he’s not helped by having really long legs with a short torso.

    I can’t believe the judges didn’t pick up on Georgia not picking her feet up either. It was glaringly obvious watching at home. Then again, they didn’t pick up on Pixie Lott’s bowed legs when she was a contestant either. And for a pro dancer, Giovanni seemed very sweaty and out of breath afterwards.

    If Tristan wanted to use the hose on me I’d have no objection!

    Katie was really good. I was surprised how bad Kirsty and Iwan were though.

    1. monkseal Post author

      I’d heard Iwan hadn’t really trained at all, so that was no shock given his lack of background in dance to paper over the cracks, but Kirsty was majorly deflating.

  8. Beyonce Castle

    Well I have just watched them back and I don’t get Peter Andre’s cha cha. I get he was in character but it was so aggressive and staccato for what I thought was meant to be a smooth party dance. He danced it like a blinking paso. Adored Jeremy. Thought he was trying really hard bless him. Ainsley was a disappointment given that he was my fave. Jay looked better than I expected if he can just smile a bit. Georgia was good. Anton must have been reading previous barbed comments on digital spy cos he really gave it some in the first half of that jive outdancing Katie at times. Least said about Iwan’s tango the better, that bloody music and theme stank before they even began. Jamelia was quiet in the judging, her neck must have been killing her, she was one I have not seen again as it was dull. Kirsty was not great but not as awful second time around except the poor quality depressive episode at the end and I still like the cheesy starry night lighting, easily pleased me.

    1. monkseal Post author

      Peter Andre was basically one of his more recent music videos where he thinks he’s being Rhythm Nation. I didn’t like it at all, it was like a naff pop-jazz routine. I guess if you find him overwhelmingly sexual it could have been fun?

  9. John

    They need to preventing Jay wearing his hair down. Handsome guy, but it makes him look like Cousin It, or one of the killer redneck family from that episode of The X Files

    1. monkseal Post author

      I refuse to believe they’re not going to give Jay a makeover at some point. Maybe get Tyra in, that hair is untenable.

    2. Neio

      After that X-Files reference, now I’m imagining a routine where Aliona is wheeled into view from under a bed on a gurney as Jay’s mother-wife.

  10. Stormy

    They’re giving Aliona the Brendan Cole softening treatment this year, aren’t they? And damn it, they’re doing it by giving him such a sweetheart for a partner that she has to be gentle with.

    No fair, producers. I was having fun loathing Aliona.

    1. monkseal Post author

      I quite like the idea of this series descending into Aliona vs Anton and everyone bickering over who was more hard done by.


      1. Stormy

        Anton would win in a heartbeat with “he was stuck with Widdy” on it’s own, I think. Then again, he seems like a masochist who had a blast with Widdy, so who am I to say?

        I suppose our fun now is to see how long the “nice Aliona” act lasts before she snaps and goes back to gleefully pissing Len (and me) off.

  11. Elsa

    I hadn’t thought about that, Stormy but good point! To think, only a handful of seasons ago they left Aliona off the cast and she threw a public strop – and now she’s the probable winner. Well, that’s just what I think, seeing how smarmy Peter is – and how lovable Jay is. I might be hiring myself a food-taster were I Mr McGuiness.

  12. Elsa

    OMG I just imagined Brendan’s face the night Aliona wins – as he’s been waging a public war against that beeyotch for suing him over photo rights or whatever it was. He hasn’t wasted an opportunity to give her a pop – last night, when either James or Neil said that Aliona used to be too serious about the dance, Brendan chimed in with ‘she’s still too serious’ or some such. And he told an audience that he liked her least of the pros !!

    Anyway, I do think Jay’s got this wrapped up. That desperation sweat sliding off Mr P-Duh Sleaze has got to be picked up by the GBP! We need a Corbynesque Jay-for-Dancing-Queen rally!

  13. Jan

    I’m not keen on lots of FAFFIN’ ABAHT at the start of dances anyway, but FAFFIN’ ABAHT with added speaking is just going too far. And there seemed to be a lot of it over the two nights. It needs to be stopped immediately. Also that was the worst version of Roll Over Beethoven I have ever heard.

    On a more positive note, I hope both Jay and Ainsley – and their respective partners – stay in for a long time. Even though the constant references to food make me so hungry I end up eating cheese straight out of the packet.

    1. monkseal Post author

      I can’t hear Roll Over Beethoven without thinking of “Keep On Movin'” by The Brady Bunch, which they really should, and never will, use for a comedy jive soon.


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