So let’s do them one by one :
Kellie & Kevin : Having spent the entire Launch Show promising us that she’s really nervous about showing us all who she really is, and not hiding behind a character, Kellie launches her Strictly experience playing someone called Brenda who is pretending to be someone called Mimi who appears to be trying to be Bloody Lulu. There’s a mod theme, complete with scooters, because it’s Kevin so of course there is. It’s very camp and very kitsch but for a tango they seem to be playing to the camera more than eachother.
Anthony & Oti : After a session of training that mostly involves him perving on Oti through a window, Anthony does a very skippity Boy Next Door jive which very carefully completely avoids using his busted arm in any way, as it spends most of the dance tucked in his belt like he’s got a bladder infection. We’re repeatedly promised he’s got potential for when he heals up which…I think I agree but I also think that might be by, say Week 9 or never so.
Helen & Aljaz : So of all the nutters that’ve been thrown into this showbiz asylum Helen is clearly one of the most loony we’ve ever had. Vibrating, clenching her jaw, gasping for air, claiming she’s going to faint and crying all over the place from the second she finishes her fairly standard for a ballet ringah week 1 waltz, mostly because Darcey is nice to her and gives her a 7. I am eagerly awaiting her total and utter disintegration over the coming months, until she actually starts speaking in tongues and levitating in the semi-finals when Darcey tells her she really could have been a ballerina.
Carol & Pasha : Carol is officially Not Good, and my entire experience of her whole weather-themed (natch) cha cha to “Thunder In My Heart”, replete with Pasha descending from the heavens clutching a thunderbolt, is spent wondering whether she looks worse in hold or out of it. Or even just standing still, in her sexy sexy dress with her hair done up like the Gatekeeper from Ghostbusters. Pasha certainly got his non-ringer at any rate.
Daniel & Kristina : A quite nice Week 1 Waltz to a crashingly obvious Irish-tinged tune, elevated massively by Daniel giving Kristina her own personal private concert and also absolutely refusing to ever move his face ever ever ever. And given that he has amongst the most chronic resting BitchFaces of any man I’ve seen it’s hilarious. He’s actually not a bad mover…in ballroom at least, which means my hopes of him cruising to at least Top 7 are still on.
Anita & Gleb : One of those occasions where we’re attempting to get a new pro over more than a celeb, as their entire VT is about how sexy he is and also him saying “what is wellees?” and also later we get to meet his wife in the audience. A fugly mac and some dancing video cows (…) are sufficient to represent Anita’s personality apparently, which is a shame as she’s better than you maybe would have expected. Now off you all go to try to fathom out how she’s a dirty ringah. You have until tomorrow evening, when they unleash the Andre. Shoo.