And here we are, riding into Series 13 on the back of the Porn Train, with Series 12 thankfully safely behind us. And if at any point you start feeling even slightly nostalgic for a series in which Mark Wright made the final and someone tried to jive on top of a levitating surfboard, then Caroline Flack is back to do a Champions Dance that makes when Lisa Snowdon came back for the Series 7 final half-cut look positively dignified. Still, it was the best time of her life, Pasha was amazing yadda yadda, now let’s never talk about last year ever again.
This year’s runners and potentially ridden (*wink wink*) are :
Ainsley & Natalie : On the one hand it appears Natalie has officially slid finally into “reliable old stager” territory. On the other if you watched Celebrity Masterchef…she could do with the help with her Susie Salt, Percy Pepper, and Belinda Being-Edible.
Iwan & Ola : He is officially already far too keen to talk how he’s going to take his shirt off and wear spandex so tight you can see his dick through it. She is officially furiously hammering out a text to The Sun saying she wanted Peter instead. Together they are officially this year’s ridiculous height mismatch
Jay & Aliona : He seems to have the all valuable “Normal Person” points in his pocket, and she’s so happy she goes cross-eyed. Although maybe she should watch the Car Crash Group Dance footage back because reports of his ringahdom may have been premature…
Jeremy & Karen : I guess…
Helen & Aljaz : This year’s designated “I DID BALLET AS A LITTLE GIRL!” Darcey Stalker by the looks of it, and frightfully nice. I find myself hoping Darcey repeatedly gets her name wrong and gives her a 7 every single week, that being as mean as Darcey gets, whilst Helen secretly cries backstage into a small glass of Waitrose White Wine.
Jamelia & Tristan : She immediately proves her worth by telling Claudia point blank that there are male pros (plural, so not just Anton) she does not want to be partnered with and then screaming so hard in Tristan’s face when they’re partnered that he already looks a bit wistful for the days when his partners were 84, had terminal cancer, or were Nancy Grace
Georgia & Giovanni : So much of a cosplay Vincent and Louisa that she even appears to have been dressed in her iconic (*drink*) jive dress. He is kind of on my nerves already, but I’ll give him a chance because I’m nice like that.
Kirsty & Brendan : Might be quite competitive, just a hunch I’ve got. Also she talks up a LOT about how it’s really easy to make her cringe and embarass her with overt sexuality which…good luck any time you get near Andre, love.
Anthony & Otlile : It’s nice, because they both seem quite sweet and a little overawed by the entire occasion. And happily someone has taken pity on Tess and allowed her to call her “Oti”. Like the biscuits, or the yeast infection.
Daniel & Kristina : Already my favourites, just because he talks at a speed that indicates that he is fully used to everything very much running to his schedule and his pace and he doesn’t really care if you’re frantically trying to get the show wrapped up on time Tess he’s going to very much take this time to thank all of his many fans in the many countries around the globe that have made him the star that he is today, both as a singer and an all-round entertainer, but he’ll always love the Emerald Isle the best Tess, sure he will, it’s always good to be home isn’t it, what do you mean Keep Dancing is the show finished. Also, he promises he’s going to fill Kristina with blarney which…the poor woman doesn’t get a year off does she?
Peter & Janette : Has come fully prepared with dad jokes and humility and his kids and gives notice that he will roll them out liberally over the next three months. Based on the Group Dance, he’s in for the long haul as well, so get ready to know that Mysterious Girl video like it’s 1995 all over again.
Anita & Gleb I hope she’s good because I am already borderline obsessed with him, from HIS PANTS COLLECTION to his pornstache to his declaring his superpower to be “international experieence”. She’s this year’s token tomboy and they have apparently settled on “Countryfile” for the programme that she is to be listed as the presenter of.
Kellie & Kevin : If we’re talking about typical Strictly roles then Kellie is the actress mewling “oh it’s so hard being ME and not a character the whole time”. I can’t wait for her to be too nice to do the paso doble. For those of you keeping track, this means that Kevin is now the pro most DUE A DUFFAH. Get your pitchforks ready! Aliona’s still got the scars in her backside…
Anton & Katie : Watching Anton get so excited that we almost see the return of the…pleat in his trousers over the fact that his partner is only in her mid-40s is kind of sobering, although Katie definitely has the personality to make for a classic Panto Anto teaming. The Posh-Off between her and Helen is going to be quite the talk.
Carol & Pasha : FINALLY PASHA GETS AN OLDER LADY I’M SO EXCITED! I’M SO EXCITED! (I’M SO SCARED!)
Also padding the time out are Jess Glynne (twice), Gregory Porter (again), Darcey starting the push for a male winner early, and a whole lot of indifferent pro latin. It’s good to be back. Expect the recap some time after I get back from holiday.