Strictly Come Dancing 13 – Prediction And Pictures

Now with 100% less Joanne Clifton.

Yes, Joanne has now been shipped off to be IT TAKES TWO’S RESIDENT DANCE EXPERT (lol sorry Ian, Karen and Robin, sucks to be you, where’s your World Championships then, bye), a fact which she has greeted in characteristic Joanne style – by squeaking that it’s been her dream ever since she was a little girl to present occasional 5 minute inserts on the spin-off for a reality show in gradual decline. Which…good for her, I’m sure we can all agree. This makes your official predictions for the forthcoming series, now revealed before the launch show spoilers tomorrow make them utterly redundant, are :

Winners : Natalie Lowe
Runners-Up : Tristan MacManus & Janette Manrara
4th place : Aljaz Skorjanec
5th place : Aliona Vilani
6th place : Otlile Mabuse
7th place : Kevin Clifton
8th place : Pasha Kovalev
9th place : Gleb Savchenko
10th place : Anton du Beke
11th place : Ola Jordan
12th place : Brendan Cole
13th place : Karen Hauer
14th place : Kristina Rihanoff
15th place : Giovanni Pernice

Sorry Giovanni. As a bonus to the above, have for englightenment the following – a list of the 15 cast photos in ascending order of awkwardness :


15. Georgia-May
The right amount of come-hither and sauciness combined with the best hair of the photoshoot, this is my Top Toot of the week!


14. Iwan
Iwan is ageing nicely along with his fanbase. A strong jawline and a flattering coloured top distracts from the slight hint that he’s hiding sweat-patches.


13. Carol
A little bit manic, but she’s definitely putting her best features forward.


12. Anthony
Looking good, but feels more like he’s posing for a fight poster than Strictly. Then again, maybe that’s the point (ZOMG JURNEE)


11. Jeremy
50% charming, 50% creepy suave uncle from an Alfred Hitchcock Presents


10. Anita
Her body is point, but her face looks a bit like Nicole Kidman doing one of those adverts where she still pretends she can move her face.


9. Jay
Looks a bit like he’s come from Autoglass to inject you with his special resin (calm down ladies) but on the other hand shave the beard off and he could soo easily be Chelsee Healey. I’m loving the angelic androgyny.


8. Kirsty

OK, she’s beautiful, ok, the hot pink is hot and pink, and if she pulls that hair into a high pony I’ll love her forever, but Jesus love you’re not at the gents urinals, lessen the power stance. We’re not doing the Time Warp yet (sadly).


7. Ainsley
Those of you wondering at the lack of Comedy Gay contestant this year will get all your answers from Ainsley’s outfit, as it makes 100% obvious that their initial plan was to dig up Liberace’s corpse and have it shuffle round the dance floor dressed as a velociraptor to the theme tune from Jurassic Park (LOLZ) but he’d decomposed too much and they just had to make do with the clothes he was buried in. On the other hand it’s AINSLEY HARRIOTT, so he kind of pulls it off.


6. Daniel
No Mr Bond, I don’t expect you to talk, I expect you to BOOGIE TASTEFULLY FOR JESUS! NOW EVERYONE CLAP YOUR HANDS! BY THE RIVERS OF BABYLON!


5. Peter
Looks like he’s about to rip open his shirt to reveal his secret identity as Superman/a stripper at an office party for Carol from HRs 40th. Also, there’s no escaping the fact that his face in this picture is PURE EVIL.


4. Jamelia
Less Alesha’s Best Friend, more Alesha’s Nan, the ageing here is hideous, she looks about 60 (am I doing it right Jamelia? CONTROVERSIAL, TELLIN IT LIKE IT IS). Also ironically for someone who apparently hates Javine, she appears to be perfectly happy to Touch Her Fire…


3. Kellie
“Oh hi, Fiona, how lovely to see you here at the Strictly reunion and charity bbq for Feline AIDS. Yes, Good Morning Britain is going fine thank you, definitely not getting cancelled, have you tried a hot dog?”


2. Katie
“Hello to you too Susanna, yes, I’m fine, estate agency is booming, chickens are laying, life couldn’t be happier, yes, I’m suuuuuuuuuper, more fries with that?”


1. Helen
Always embarassing when you get photographed mid-burp isn’t it?

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15 thoughts on “Strictly Come Dancing 13 – Prediction And Pictures

    1. monkseal Post author

      I mean let’s not get into comparing because obviously it’s racially fraught as white men to be doing so but Natalie’s was way better

      Reply
  1. Huriye

    Brilliant summary!! Especially lurve Vine, Kirsty and Anita descriptions! 😀

    I’m already yeeuch at the tatts though. What wiv Tristan’s ‘n all I shall have to cover me mince pies in the Latin raunchy naked numbers.

    Ainsley defo my fave on the male side.

    Disagree that it’s in decline though. Compared to X Factor, it’s still 100% relevant and vibrant.

    Reply
  2. Huriye

    BTW I’ve noticed the BBC Tennis comms are calling Aljaz Bedene (GB N0.2) “AliYazh” and not Aliash. Are they wrong? Or are we?

    Reply
  3. Dancing cake

    I LOVE the run up to Strictly when we get Monkseal funnies before we’ve even seen the launch show! Also helps me to know a bit about the (several) people I don’t know anything about -that’s not a criticism, I’d never heard of Chelsee Healey and she turned out to be one of my favourite dancers ever.
    Sort of mesmerised by some of these (terrible) photos though – Peter’s slowly morphing into Darren Bennett; Helen’s fake tan stops very abruptly at her wrist and I don’t know what’s going on with Iwan’s arms – they’re probably quite normal really but that pic. gives him one great big muscly freckled arm and one puny pale little thing.
    Are we having a poll on who we think will win? Or is that going to happen after the pairing up show? I can’t see any really obvious ringers this year but that’s a good thing I think.

    Reply
    1. monkseal Post author

      Poll on the likely winner comes at the end of the Launch Show recap. I would say “as per usual” but let’s not pretend like I know if I’m ever consistant with this stuff.

      Reply
  4. Minxy

    I recognise 4 names – that’s if that is Danial O’Donnel? Who I only heard of due to ex bro in law being a big fan

    Back under the rock for me

    Reply
  5. Agrippina

    Is Jay the one out of The Wanted? And if so, which of the five generic roles was he considered to fill – the pretty one, the one that does the singing, the one that can dance a bit (ringah!), the tough one, or the one that apparently does nothing at all and always gets forgotten about during interviews? I am out of touch with my boybands and need to know how I should be judging him.

    Reply
    1. monkseal Post author

      I believe he was the dancing one. Although of course all of The Wanted were the dancing one because they were ALL ABOUT DAH CLUB. BANGERZ O CLOCK!

      Reply

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