Strictly Come Dancing 13 – The Lovely Ladies

All 8 Strictly ladies chronologically revealed and ready to go!

Kellie Bright : Formerly a child star buffeting around the edges of sort-of-fame as Del Boy’s mum, Ali G’s girlfriend, Honor Blackman’s step-granddaughter, and an embezzeling lesbian in Bad Girls, Kellie Bright was saved by Eastenders, and plonked into a reliable starring role of matriarch of the Queen Vic, Linda Carter (aka Wonder Woman). Of course every new soap queen comes with a retinue and Kellie is head of the whole Carter Family, consisting of Mick Carter, Shirley Carter, Stan Carter, Lee Carter, Nancy Carter, Ollie Carter, Tina Carter, Gay One Carter, Howard Carter, Jimmy Carter, Angela Carter, Helena Bonham Carter, Little Aaron Carter, Dixie Carter, Magna Carter, N. Carter (the clever one), and Carter The Unstoppable Sex Machine. As a soap matriarch Kellie has had to act out such harrowing storylines as finding out your favourite son is gay, and therefore about to disappear from the show as all gay characters in soaps do as soon as they come out, and getting raped by Matt Di Angelo, making her the first Strictly contestant ever to be fictionally sexually assaulted by another Strictly contestant. What a milestone. Of course the Eastenders producers, being the Eastenders producers, will give her an equally traumatic storyline to film during her stay on Strictly, like her children being kidnapped, having to shag Ian Beale, or having her uterus pulled out by a swimming pool filter, leaving her a hollow-eyed husk by about week 8, but let’s enjoy her whilst we can. For those of you who’ve been waiting all year to dust the cobwebs off your ringer alarm, she’s also a Sylvia Young graduate, so HAVE AT IT.

Georgia May Foote : Our second lady revealed is also a soap star. Apparently. Judging from her name I would have thought she was a one hit wonder country singer from 1967 with the song “Muddy Clumplets”, but here we are. Normally I’m quite well up on the soap stars WHO APPEAR on this show, but Georgia May is officially the first contestant since Dan Lobb who I don’t recognise on sight, and looking at the wikipedia page for her Coronation Street character I can see why. Seriously, we’re peaking out at “For her portrayal of Katy, Foote was included on the long-list for Best Soap Newcomer at the 2011 TV Choice Awards” here. She’s no Cathy Beale. In fact she’s barely even a Dawn Swann. Those of us with long Strictly memories will look at Georgia May and add up “young”, “pretty”, “actress”, and “I’ve never bloody heard of her” and come to one conclusion – DIRTY RINGAH! But fortunately for our hearts and our Daily Mail Comments Section Complaining Fingers, Georgia May herself clarified on BBC Breakfast during her reveal that whilst she did do a lot of dance at performing arts school, it was all just faffing around doing ballroom and latin, rather than the pure contemporary and hip hop dancing that Strictly Come Dancing is based aroun…hang on, I think I’ve got that backwards somewhere along the line but I’ve no idea where…Anyway, ONE FOR THE DADS etc etc

Katie Derham : Going *so* Heartland BBC now that I have started vibrating, frothing at the mouth, and having fever-visions of the old BBC One hot-air balloon being piloted around the Surrey countryside by Lord Reith himself (never mind that she principally rose to prominance as an ITV Newsreader, there is NOTHING more licence-fee than the Proms, NOTHING), Katie Derham was punted out as a name last midnight by the Guardian. A violin playing Cambridge educated econimist and fan of classical music (they still have that at the proms right? It’s not ALL the Dr Who theme tune being remixed through a dubstep kazoo?) Katie promises to bring a touch of class to this year’s Strictly………..or at least until all the show’s middle-aged “I’m just watching it for the wife” straight male viewers start in with the “I BET SHE’S SECRETLY FILTHY JUST LIKE ALL POSH TOTTY HURR HURR HURR” fantasies. None of that on this blog though. No sir. (hi pasha)

Carol Kirkwood : People get ready. A built up dam of weather related puns, metaphors, and incredibly tortured analogies that’s been swelling up for the last 12 years is about to burst all over this year’s Strictly, with the arrival of Carol Kirkwood – BBC Breakfast’s Weather Presenter In Chief. Brewing storms, warm fronts, isolated outbursts of rhythm, sunny spells, clouds on the horizon, high pressure, “snow joke”, “she will be mist”,  “it’ll be a breeze”, “LET’S HOPE CRAIG WON’T GIVE HER A FROSTY RECEPTION”, “LET’S HOPE CRAIG DOESN’T RAIN ON HER PARADE”, “LET’S HOPE CRAIG GETS STRUCK BY LIGHTNING AND DIES THE GREAT BIG POOF HA HA HA!” (oh no, wait, Bruce has left hasn’t he?), dancing to songs by The Weather Girls, KC & The Sunshine Band, Wet Wet Wet, Rainbow, Sleet-er Kinney, and Snow (a-licky-bum-bum-down)…it’ll all have me reaching for a stiff drink from the isobar. Oh great, now I’m doing it. As an individual outside of her arrival heralding a blizzard (stop it) of bad puns so cringeworthy Bruce will be hammering at the studio doors demanding to be let back in like Fred Flintstone at the end of every episode? Carol is very cheerful and very Scottish and I hope to God wardrobe have got a sturdier set of bras in than they’ve had in recent years, I’ll say that much.

Anita Rani : Is it a bird? Is it a plane? No, it’s another nice safe daytime BBC presenter! In her career Anita has presented programmes about antiques, cricket, poetry, consumer affairs and the English countryside, and also was the champion of the one series of Great British Celebrity Bake-Off that had an official winner. In short, Anita Rani is yet another spoonful of middle-class in a series already slightly overburdened with them. I’m sure she’s very charming, but at this point we badly need something else.

Jamelia : Our first ever Strictly One-Name Superstar (…no, sorry “Bloody Lulu” is two names, you’re wrong), Jamelia’s first flush of fame came as a millennial popstar with hits such as “Money”, “Superstar”, “Thank You”, “Beware Of The Dog” and that gopping cover of “Stop” she did for the Bridget Jones 2 soundtrack. Then the second flush came with her a perennial panel show contestant, telling us all what happens on the outer reaches of UK fame, like filming awful movies with Vinnie Jones and a bear in Croatia, and having to put up with Javine being a massive slag. Then came the third flush, as she settled in as a Loose Woman, educating us all with her well-formed opinions like “we should all just stop pretening fat people exist until they either lose weight out of shame or kill themselves it’s a win win!”. Or words to that effect. Still, despite all these flushes, she continues to circle the bowl of celebrity, and neatly fills the “pop star for the gays” niche this series. I have mixed feelings on Jamelia’s participation because on the one hand she can be incredibly aggro and annoying, and on the other hand she can be hilariously aggro and annoying, like during her recent stint on Bear Grylls : Mission Schedule Filler where she tormented Laurence and Emilia Fox with her whining and passive-aggression until they actually started having psychotic hallucinations in the middle of the jungle. Not that I’m suggesting that there’s any of the male pro line up I’d find it hilarious to have stuck with her as punishment, possibly for treating their partner last year like an inconvenience or anything. Anyway, if this year’s line-up has been benign and nice and charming so far, maybe Jamelia is the grit in the oyster we need to make this series a pearl? If nothing else I want her to be billed as “Superstar Superstar”.

Helen George : Another name that’s been circling for a while now, thanks to The Daily Telegraph deciding a couple of weeks ago to release one genuine name paired with two obviously incorrect ones, to make themselves look…actually I don’t even know. Anywho, Helen is a star of BBC 1 cosy baby-death fest Call The Midwife, and in apparently psychic preparation I actually watched my first series of it this year. So I can tell you from experience that Helen plays someone who is posh and blonde and listens to JAZZ and smokes CIGARETTES and almost married a vicar and then didn’t and then became a massive pisshead, but in a cosy BBC 1 way where she just danced a bit funny and fell asleep a lot, as opposed to say vomitting all over herself and telling Sister Evangelina to go frig herself. Then a lesbian fell off a bike, dunn dunn durrrrn, end of series. I’m not really sure what the Call The Midwife experience gave me either generally (except when I had a bit of a cry at the episode where the senile nun managed to be useful for probably the last time in her life) or in terms of a grounding in Helen George, other than to say she’s very pretty and seems frightfully nice and (say it with me) HEARTLAND BBC. I don’t know if her presence makes Katie Derham a little more redunant to the show or if it sets up a glorious rivalry for the Strictly ages where they both compete to be the most consistantly crimped.

Kirsty Gallacher : And we close with another perennial rumour, another person who leaked months ago, and another presenter. Kirsty is chiefly known for competing on The Games, winning The Games (I warn you now, in terms of The Games, I was Team Princess Tamara Bonbon and I’m still bitter), and then usurping the presenting position from the incumbent (I warn you now, in LIFE, I am Team Jayne Middlemiss and I’m still bitter) for all of one series before the show got cancelled. So WATCH OUT TESS, SHE’S COMING FOR YOUR JOB. Probably. Other than that Kirsty’s career as a presenter has mostly been anchored around Sky Sports News, one segment on the Ant & Decs and something called “Kirsty’s Home Videos”, which I’m not googling because I’m fairly sure it’s related to The Fappening, and I’d get arrested. Kirsty seems nice enough, and I hope participating in the show gives her the best to her presenting career she needs, but from what I remember of The Games she has a touch of the Gabby Logans about her which might not suit her well in the middle of a generally nice and cosy and soft-edged female line-up (and Jamelia).

AND SO TO THE POLLS :

And my suggested pairings :

Anita & Kevin
Carol & Pasha
Georgia & Giovanni
Helen & Gleb
Jamelia & Brenda
Katie & Anton
Kellie & Tristan
Kirsty & Aljaz

Feel free to unleash hell in my comments, Katie stans.

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43 thoughts on “Strictly Come Dancing 13 – The Lovely Ladies

  1. Beyonce Castle

    Never heard of her (don’t get to see Eastenders anymore. Last time I saw it Pauline was still alive). But this means no Shane Ritchie then?

    Reply
  2. Beyonce Castle

    Justgoogled. No wiser. She is small though at 5 ft 1, so Randomly Pairing her with Kevin. He deserves a middler. Though assume she has been to stage school too 😉

    Reply
  3. Bashful82

    She was also the main heroine in the 80s kids TV show “T-Bag”. From memory there wasn’t any tea bagging though.

    Reply
  4. Huriye

    Bring back Bad Girls! That was brilliant. *Looks Hard*

    I feel truly robbed that we never got to see EastEnders Pauline, Wendy Richard, on DOI, whose dream was to be a Figure Skater and went to Queensway rink as a child. Instead we got miserable Mo, who was pushed around briefly and picked up a paycheque.
    The only genuine ringer we ever had on DOI (with real skating experience and lessons in her backgound) was Jessica, the LibertyX bint, and the girly voters placed her 3rd.

    Another Soapy young’un I’ve never heard of announced today, clearly seeing victory here as a good career move.

    Still underwhelmed after 4 announcements. Hope it picks up. BTW if you haven’t seen one of Jo from Grimsby’s late night Periscopes, you must!

    Reply
  5. Isolde

    I never thought I’d be excited by Jeremy Vine and Ainsley Harriott on Strictly, but compared with the female contenders so far, they’re starting to look like De Niro and Pacino.
    Just a woman I’ve heard of would be nice.

    Reply
  6. Beyonce Castle

    Agree. Never heard of Proms woman although her surname just makes me think of Pink Panther theme tune.

    Reply
      1. Huriye

        Noooo! Don’t scupper her chances with either of them! I reckon she’ll be really good, look gorge in a frock and go far – if with a decent partner who knows how to choreograph. But she’s no genuine Home Counties posh bint, a la SOPHIE mark II. Before her ITV Newsreading days she was the Economics reporter for 5Live and one day brought her kid sister into work for a “bring your daughter/sister/niece etc into work day” and this kid had such a broad Northern accent even Eddie Mair commented on it (and you know how reticent he is usually….) So our Katie is a Sue Lawley mark II ie get rid of your regional accent asap in the cloisters of Cambridge, and get into the BBC pronto!

        But at least I’ve heard of her, and that’s a first for the women so far named, and I think I’m going to enjoy her. Monkseal, you must stop with the sweaty Dad gawping at totty clichés. I’m a middle aged female, and I love seeing a beautiful woman in a stunning frock dancing well. And in the 70s (yes, it’s a drinking bingo game) I had posters of Debbie Harry on my wall. So there! 😛

  7. Sue Howarth

    Kellie Bright was Kate Aldridge in The Archers for many years, therefore she is my favorite. Presumably she is the warm up for the eventual participation of Debbie/Tamsin Grieg

    Reply
      1. Neio

        Ooh yes, Tomasz Schafernaker or Chris Fawkes would be amazing. Or Alex Beresford from ITV for that matter…

  8. Ross

    Katie Derham my favourite so far, have randomly decided she’ll be a dark horse who excels in Ballroom; give her to Gleb, Tristan, or Aljaz.

    Reply
  9. Isolde

    Not excited by Carol Kirkwood – she’s always struck me as a female version of Chris Hollins and we all know how that turned out.

    Reply
    1. monkseal Post author

      They do both have that Breakfast Perky thing going on. Generally I prefer to eat my orange juice with a bit of neat vodka in it, which is why I was always a Susanna/Bill booster. Naga would probably be the closest for me of the current line-up.

      Reply
      1. Neio

        I always thought Sian would have been fun on Strictly, but I’ve not seen her on anything since the Olympics.

  10. Huriye

    Apparently Carole is actually employed by the BBC and not the Met Office, so no danger of her disappearing from our screens, and Strictly not using their already written weather puns.

    If Fawkes or Schafernaker go, I will march on W1A and beat up Tony. *fumin’*

    BTW I’d have gone A-Neater steps her way onto the floor….? (I know, not pun-chy enough) *looks embarrassed*

    Reply
    1. monkseal Post author

      I couldn’t possibly say, I think the clue that last series was a bit of a casualty for them should be enough…

      Reply
    1. monkseal Post author

      Sorry, hang on, the realisation that 8 Out Of 10 Cats has reached Series 16 has left me feeling a bit sick.

      Reply
  11. Neio

    I’m not really blown away by this line-up so far, but we’ll see I guess. There’s always a chance someone might surprise us, like when Deborah Meaden unexpectedly turned out to be Drunken Auntie Debbie. Jamelia has potential for bitchery at least given her past reality TV form.

    Reply
  12. Agrippina

    I don’t know how to react to Jamelia really. I think she’s got the potential to be rather obnoxious but at the same time, when I look at how beige the rest of the line-up is, I might be glad of her cackling when one of the other contestants gets injured, or telling Carol Kirkwood that she reminds her or her nan. I hope she gets paired with Kevin, as I would be greatly amused by the training room footage of him trying to be all polite and middle-class in the face of her… Jamelia-ness. It’d be Matthew and Alesha all over again.

    Reply
  13. Chris

    Considering boycotting if Jamelia and Brendan don’t get partnered together. Now that’d be karma for ignoring Sunetra for all of last year. (Also is she still mates with Alesha, because then she can call Craig a slag for calling her gutter or something)

    Reply
    1. Chris

      So Jamelia is/was mates with Alesha, turns out Kirsty is best mates with Gabby Logan, Kellie has had a rather grim storyline with Matt di Angelo (on Eastenders) – is this going to be one long series 5 remake?

      Reply
  14. Trundles

    “Jamelia: Our first ever Strictly One-Name Superstar (…no, sorry “Bloody Lulu” is two names, you’re wrong)”

    Poor Spoony, poor Goldie (series 4 and 8 respectively). Both one-named but neither was a Superstar!

    Reply
  15. Huriye

    If they lumber poor Katie with Anton, I’ll hire a hitman! Don’t care if I get arrested, then super nice Ian can step in again, in an emergency, with super nice Katie. ❤

    I think Kirsty looks a bit of a bitch, and a bit too full of herself, so I'm hoping for a Kirsty v Jamelia catfight of epic proportions – forget the James Bond bint and Susanna! This will be Birmingham v the Scottish Highlands.

    Reply

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