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1. The episode opened with my favourite Ginger look yet
I know it’s accidental, but that is some fierce “Tank Girl Antagonist” hair she’s working there, and she really should consider rocking it at least part-time, to add some variety to her wide array of pageanty up-dos. Anyway, in this moment Ginger was declaring that whilst she may not be a (damned) seamstress, nobody in the history of Drag Race has ever sung like her or acted like her. Which, I mean, I take her point, but nobody else in the history of Drag Race has sung like Mrs Kasha Davis did (RIP), because sadly the lovechild of Ethel Merman and Snagglepuss has not yet reached the level of fame required to be a guest judge, and look where it got her. Anyway blah blah, Ginger can act but can’t sew, Violet can sew but can’t act, Pearl is trade and Kennedy says “NAIXT”, you know how the storylines for this series go by now right?
2. Confirmation here that Michelle’s rack is so impressive that even she herself sometimes get distracted
and she lives with it 24/7. Michelle was here to announce this week’s main challenge, as Ru was too busy off getting quotes from industrial to clean up the sexual mess that ensued between Santino and Violet last week once the camera stopped rolling. I won’t go into details of the property damage, but don’t expect there to be a puppet challenge ever again… As usual the final challenge was to take part in a shoot for the video of whatever song it is that Ru’s shilling this season – in this case “Born Naked”, which sounds like Jim Steinman crossed with The Muppet Babies. Candidate queens were to dance, lip-sync, and act in a skit, and the weakest performer would ultimately be EDITED OUT and would not have to be seen in the final product by the public. Odd that it’s the loser of this challenge that wins the prize like that, but I guess it’s a nice consolation for missing out on the final.
3. Director of Choreography for the challenge? Trans Icon and Mrs Hudson to Johnny Lee Miller’s Sherlock Holmes (and therefore very much the American Una Stubbs) Candis Cayne. Candis told us that her choreography for the Born Naked video was going to be very 80s inspired.
Yeah, no shit Jem & The Holograms. She was looking for Pat Benatar and Sheena Easton. She got Toyah Wilcox and Sinitta. If you thought that a final episode should be designed to showcase why all the queens remaining have a case for winning, in an ultimate celebration of the strongest queens of the pack then…you’ve clearly not watched Season 7. And neither had Candis, given that she was clearly disappointed with the levels of professionalism on display as Violet forgot her moves and shed her ear-rings, and Pearl and Ginger’s wigs both detached themselves. The difference in the level of experience in drag of Ginger and Pearl showed themselves here incidentally, as Ginger yanked that sucker out and turned it into a Shannel-ish
moment, whilst Pearl ran off set for half an hour to try to fix it. You can tell that, regardless, Candis was expecting better of everybody, with only Kennedy really stealing her heart. And mine, although not for her own dancing, more for her impression of Pearl’s.
HOWLING. Good grief lady, this is the third time, come up with something else.
4. As is now an established part of the final, Ru sat down with all the queens backstage for one last lunch. This is a holdover from when the show was more of a direct parody of America’s Not Top Model. Of course this will be a mystery to any of the 13 year tumblr fans the show has (and based on the fact that Pearl is currently in the lead of the official fan vote, that’s a BIG proportion of the viewership) because this show has moved on so much from its roots, and also because now Tyra Banks would no more sit and eat with her contestants than she would remember their names or turn up on set sober. Anyway, this year Ru has moved into
juicing, putting one orange tic-tac in a blender with a pint of water, and mixing. I’m sure Gwyneth’s lawyers will be on the phone shortly. IF YOU’RE GOING TO RIP OFF HER DIET TIPS RU, AT LEAST MAKE SURE TO TELL THE PEOPLE THAT THE WATER HAS TO BE IONISED FIRST. AND PASS THOSE TIC TACS UNDER THE NORTH END OF A MAGNET! THE NORTH! In these segments we learnt that this was Kennedy’s first time auditioning, and that her father just died, passing on to her guardianship of his severely disalbled sister ; that Ginger loves his mother and has a difficult relationship with his father because he abandoned his family when Ginger was 14 for his highschool girlfriend ; Violet is insanely self-confident and felt over-shadowed by his sister growing up ; and that Pearl views himself as all bark and no bite, and went through something aged about 7 he’d rather not discuss other than to say that it was traumatic. I’m not sure I like how the show played that last one incidentally – dangling it out there but not saying what it was, leaving everyone to speculate wildly. Not everyone needs a sad story to tell in the last episode and sometimes a little knowledge is a dangerous thing. Of course this was yet another way in which Bianca ruled last series, as any time anybody got near her personal trauma she just waved a 10 year old girl in their face and yelled “LOOK, THIS ONE CALLS ME ROYLADY!” to distract them.
5. As hinted at earlier, this episode saw the final breakdown in relations between Aryan Airlines and the Bitter Old Lady Brigade. Clearly Katya’s friendliness (/neediness) (/50-a-day habit) was the last bridge holding these two factions together, as the Fashion Club spent most of the episode in their corner
dancing around and giggling in their pretty pink flimsies, tittering about how many times they’ve got fucked whilst in drag, whilst the more seasoned, sober, mature heads of the old ladies retreated to their campaign headquarters in the other corner to bitch about them and try to summon up the strength in their wizened old arms to
lift their humonogoues Jon Benet wigs off up the table. The struggle was real. Remember last week, when Pearl was all but begging Ginger to declare her her second-best-friend-after-Katya? Not any more. This was war, and as always it was the more seasoned generals who were about to play dirty.
6. The acting scene (just like music videos have now because it’s 2009 and we’re all Lady Gaga) revolved around a family scene in which Ru played a stern abusive father,
and the queens played in turn a drunken, well-meaning but effete mother ;
an innocent kid sister ;
and a rebellious teen gay who storms out at the end to forge his own future on a different path.
Possibly as a copyright lawyer for Gregg Arakki. Yes, on our quest to find the FUTURE OF DRAG we waded through a set of stereotypes so worn and threadbare that Dida Ritz would have worn them as eveningwear. Ginger was the most professional, I found Pearl’s performance the most engaging, Kennedy had an interesting take on her surly teen, reading through “now available on iTunes” in a bored monotone until Matthu blunted it down, and Violet was flipping awful. (You know, based on the 15 seconds of footage we were shown). I mean, whilst Violet’s attitude to facing down challenges that aren’t in her wheelhouse is definitely better than Ginger’s…it still doesn’t really matter when the product, y’know, isn’t very good.
7. The theme for the final runway? Best Drag.
I never thought I’d say it, but I’m giving this runway to Kennedy. Violet’s look is fine but I think she’s hurting from having really peaked fashion-wise two or three weeks ago and not really having passed that bar since, Pearl’s a mess and Ginger’s face scared the bejesus out of me. Kennedy on the other hand brought this season’s most important and compelling narrative full circle in this, the last proper episode. Sasha Belle? THAT is a lobster dress. I thank you. Oh and there was also a challenge here where the contestants were presented with pictures of themselves as infants and asked to have a spontaneous complete nervous breakdown. If I were grading I’d say that Kennedy and Pearl’s nervous breakdowns were the most fully realised, with Ginger’s coming across as over-rehearsed and Violet’s coming across as thought she didn’t understand what human emotions are (I did laugh that in the middle of everyone else screaming at their kindergarten photos to love themselves and know that It Gets Better and to make themselves the Grand Marshalls of their own parade, Violet was there twittering “get ballet lessons!”. So bougie, so real, THE FUTURE OF DRAG). But that challenge was dumb, so let’s not grade it.
8. Speaking of dumb…hoo. The final final challenge that didn’t mean anything before the actual final final final challenge of the season that didn’t mean anything was to give a speech briefly outlining why you deserve to win and your competitors don’t. And really there’s two ways of answering the question – either you puss out and just say why you’re amazing, or you sack up and say why you’re amazing, then throw everyone else under the bus. Both paths are workable if you get it right, but sadly Kennedy and Ginger walked the middle road, and decided to talk up the Bitter Old Lady Brigade as a unit, and talk down Aryan Airlines, making themselves look cliquey and tactical. I’m not really sure why they did it, other than for reasons of honesty (EWWWWWWWWWWWW!) but after a fairly strong episode for both of them this served as the hurdle which probably served to justify the always-on-the-cards elimination of Kennedy, because I can’t see the logic behind her elimination otherwise. Unless it was for misue of the word “condone”. (YAHHHHS, THE FUTURE OF DRAG IS SICKENING GRAMMAAAAAR! COME THROUGH GERUNDS, COME THROUGH!). Not that Violet and Pearl’s speeches were much better. Pearl basically said “I’m tired, let’s just crown me already before I forget why I’m here” and Violet stood there
WITH HER HANDS IN HER POCKETS, MAYBE SHE SHOULD TELL HER 5 YEAR OLD SELF TO TAKE DEBATE CLASSES AS WELL, GOOD GRIEF, saying “I should win because I think I’m great”. Anyway, I’ll miss Kennedy. Most of this season has been spent slowly moving away from, then looping back to, the opinions I had of the queens pre-series. Kennedy ultimately for me in the end regained a lot of the warmth that she showed in her Meet Her Queens video, that maybe dissapated in the earlier weeks when she had to babysit Jasmine and there were too many fashion-kids around cramping her style. Sail on Kennedy Davenport, sail on.
PEARL DONE A KNEE-SLIDE! WHEEEEEEEEEEEE!
So we’ve reached the end of the series, and we have all the evidence before us that we need to decide on who this year’s winner is. Ginger, Pearl, or Violet. We’re at the part of the season where everyone conveniently forgets they spent the entirity of the last three months saying that RuPaul’s made stupid decisions and she’s lost it and nobody listens to a word she says anymore, and starts doing that dumb “IF YOU GIVE A WIN 5 POINTS AND A SAFE 3 POINTS AND GIVE VIOLET A +7 BONUS FOR WEARING A CORSET SHE WINS IT’S MATHS” stuff. So it would be remiss of me not to do the same. Except these are my opinions, not Ru’s, so they’re better.
Born Naked : Violet wins because of the Flying Squirrel reveal. Pearl gets second because this was the one time all season she didn’t wear lingerie, and Ginger finishes a creditable 3rd because of her runway vamping.
Violet – 3, Pearl – 2, Ginger – 1
Glamazonian Airways : Even though Jasmine and Mrs K were the clear winners of the challenge, Ginger led her team well and managed to stomp that runway despite her fear of dancing, that she overcame here and never mentioned again. Violet can have second for having a skinny waist and Pearl can still have a point for being a better dancer than Miss Fame
Violet – 5, Ginger – 4, Pearl – 3
ShakesQueer : This challenge was stoopid, so Pearl can have three points for RUVOLTING like a RUVOLUTIONARY and headbutting the set. Violet can be second because her performance as a snotty bitch was very Method, and Ginger can have one point because I’m grading on a curve compared to all her other performances which were much better
Violet – 7, Pearl – 6, Ginger – 5
Spoof! – There It Is : Violet wins for being part of the best video, Ginger gets second for being part of the second best video, Pearl gets nothing because she was barely visible.
Violet – 10, Ginger – 7, Pearl – 6
The DESPY! Awards : Pearl gets 3 points for managing to upstage Max, Ginger can have 2 for managing to upstage Kandy, Violet gets 1 for winning an award and remembering to rip off Sally Field like Ru was hinting everyone should do.
Violet – 11, Ginger – 9, Pearl – 9
Ru Hollywood Stories : Ginger gets 3 points for being the only good thing in the entire episode, Pearl gets two points because even if her performance sucked she rolled around with Fame in a vat full of jelly, and her performance still sucked quite a lot less than Violet’s did so…
Ginger – 12, Violet – 12, Pearl – 11
Snatch Game : Ginger gets 3 points for showing America the true face of Adele, I’M SORRY IF YOU COULDN’T HANDLE IT AMERICA, JUST WAIT TIL YOU SEE WHAT A TWIT SAM SMITH IS, Pearl gets 2 for introducing me to the medical mystery that is Big Ang, and Violet gets 1 point for doing the Alyssa Edwards impersonation we can all do, don’t deny it, you did it for your mum one time and she didn’t have a clue what you were going on about, don’t try to make out it was anything special
Ginger – 15, Violet – 13, Pearl – 13
Conjoined Queens : Pearl gets 3 points for her toddlers & tiaras freshnessness, Violet gets 2 for making Max behave like a normal human being for 5 seconds, Ginger gets nothing for hot-glueing pink cowprint rayon to her tits and crying about it all episode
Pearl – 16, Ginger – 15, , Violet – 15
Divine Inspiration Ginger gets 2 points because whilst she was good, Katya and Kennedy were the best by a country mile, I will still be going “CHA CHA CHA CHA, CHA CHA CHA CHA CHA CHA, CHA CHA CHA CHA CHA” as they lower me into my grave, and Violet gets 1 for being marginally more present than Pearl, who gets zero.
Ginger – 17, Pearl – 16, Violet – 16
Prancing Queens Violet gets 3 points for it being her best performance of the entire series, easily, Pearl gets 2 for giving everyone feelings, and Ginger would get 0 but they made her do the country-robot and I’m not totally without heart, so she can have one.
Violet – 19, Ginger – 18, Pearl – 18
Hello Kitty Girls! Ginger wins for managing to best meet the values of the Hello Kitty brand by being adorable with both her looks, Pearl can have two for being high fashion, Violet can have one because there’s every chance that wrapping pipe-cleaners round your head and making blow-job facce is fashion now and I want to cover myself so I can’t give her 0.
Ginger – 21, Pearl – 20, Violet – 20
And The Rest Is Drag I just recapped it, come on
Ginger – 24, Pearl – 22, Violet – 21
Runway Clearly Violet is the greatest fashion queen this show has ever seen (sorry guys, my copies of Series 3 are really grainy so Raja doesn’t count) and whilst both Pearl and Ginger have also brought it on the runway on occasion, there’s no doubt who’s getting 3 points for winning and who’s getting 1 just for competing here
Ginger – 25, Violet – 24, Pearl – 23
Personality “Do I Have Something On My Face?” is iconic and also being hot is totally part of having a personlity ok? Violet can have second because the editors cut all her worst moments out, and Ginger is last, because whilst it’s not her fault that she’s the most articulate queen remaining…her constant shouting “Eric Cartman on Big Brother USA” Diary Rooms got on my pip.
Ginger – 26, Violet – 26, Pearl – 26
WELL LOOK AT THAT, IT’S A TIE! Guess I’ll have to *turn to camera* hand this over to you…
Meanwhile On Untucked :
Everyone spent the whole time bitching about what Ginger and Kennedy done said in their speeches and it was really boring, the end.