A Very Important Update

Prepare your “Unlike” buttons.

HELLO FOLLOWERS, FRIENDS, AND MYSPACE BEBOS OF IVETA. LOOK AT THE CUSTOM-MADE LEOPARD PRINT DRESS (AVAILABLE FOR £150.999 FROM DRAGBYIVETA.COM) BEING WORN BY YOUR HERO IVETA. WHAT COLOUR IS THE DRESS? IS IT GOLD AND BLACK OR IS IT NEON PURPLE AND RASPBERRY BLUE (BOTH AVAILABLE FROM DRAGBYIVETA.COM). TRICK QUESTION IT IS NEITHER. IT IS THE COLOUR OF SADNESS, AS THIS IS IVETA’S LAST SOCIAL MEDIA UPDATE EVER. IVETA IS PRESSING THE “SEND”, SHUTTING HER SOCIAL MEDIA HUB (IE IVETA’S TOILET AND BIDET) DOWN, AND THEN IT IS DOUSED WITH GASOLINE AND SET ON FIRE TO REMOVE ALL EVIDENCE BEFORE THE POLICE ARIVE. IVETA MAKE SHORT STORY SHORTER VIA BITE-SIZE DOWNLOADABLE CONTENT INFOBLASTS :

A) US FBI AND CIA REALISE THAT VISA IVETA PROVIDE FOR ARTEM IS NO VALID, AS IT IS MADE FROM PLAY-DOH.

  • ARTEM IS ANNOYED BY IVETA AND SENDS HIS BEST JUDY AND HENCHGAY BOBBY WINDSOR TO DEAL WITH IVETA

b) BOBBY WINDSOR MEET ACCIDENT WITH FRONT OF 10:00 CENTRAL LINE TO WEST RUISLIP AND NOW IVETA HAS TO MAKE A NEW HOME AGAIN IN PORUTGAL

BUT LET US NOT FOCUS ON BAD TIMES. IT IS NOT FEELING LIKE ONLY THREE YEARS AGO THAT YOUNG GIRL WITH BIG DREAMS IVETA LUKOSIUTE PUSH ALIONA VILANI DOWN THE STAIRS AND STEAL HER LIFE AND POSITION AS PROFESSIONAL ON STRICTLY COME DANCING. SINCE THEN, IVETA MAKE MANY STARS :

MARK BENDON, WHO THANKS TO IVETA YOU CAN NOW SEE EDGING HIS BALLS EVERY DAY ON BBC CHANNEL ONE

HOT TWIN AND SEXY GENTLEMAN TAHM EFANS, WHO HAS SINCE STRICTLY BUILT BIG ACTING CAREER IN LOS ANGELS AND CAN SOON BE SEEN GETTING DP’D BY TOMMY DEFENDI AND COLBY KELLER IN CELEBRATED BIOFILM OF BRITAIN’S SODOMITE WAR HERO ALAN TURING “THE IN-MY-TAINT-FUN GAME”

AND OLD MAN.

DO NOT BE SAD FOR IVETA THOUGH! SHE HAS SO MANY MEMORIES OF STRICTLY AND IS PROUD TO HAVE A WINNERS GLITTERBALL ON HER MANTLEPIECE FOREVER (SORRY FLAVIA, NEXT HONEYMOON LOCK YOUR WINDOWS BETTER KISSES, IVETA)! IVETA INTRODUCE HIP HOP TO BRITAIN, IVETA DRESS UP AS SEXY SPACE LADY, IVETA GO BOM BOM BOM, IVETA MEET MARK BENDON’S FAMILY AND MADE NEW FRIENDS FOR THE LIFE LIKE BUTTER TO HER HEART (NOT SO MANY MEMORIES WITH OTHER TWO PARTNERS BUT EH).

YOU MAY ASK, IVETA? HOW WILL STRICTLY SURVIVE WITHOUT PUBLIC’S FAVOURITE FEMALE PRO OF ALL TIME EXCEPT MAYBE HAYLEY HOLT? IVETA SAY DON’T WORRY! CURRENT FEMALE PRO LINE-UP IS STRONG LIKE BULL! REMEMBER KAREN’S AMAZING SHOWDANCE FOR MARK WRIGHT! JANETTE’S BALLROOM CHOREOGRAPHY! KRISTINA BEING MUCH-LOVED QUEEN OF THE DANCE OFF! ALL THE EXCITING FUN STORIES ABOUT OLA IN THE MEDIA THAT MADE LAST SERIES SUCH FUN FOR EVERYONE! JOANNE CLIFTON! EVEN NATALIE LOWE FINALLY MANAGE TO WIN SOMETHING WHEN GIVEN SEXY ONE-LEGGED HERO SOLDIER! YOU WILL ALL BE FINE! ALSO IVETA HAS SENT THREE OF HER BEST GIRLS FROM ROUND THE WAY TO REPLACE HER! GLEB, POB, AND POOP HAVE BEEN IN MANY J LO VIDEOS AND SKINCARE ADVERTS AND ALSO DID A BIT OF (NOT BALLROOM) DANCING ONE TIME!

ANYWAY, IVETA CAN NOW HEAR SIRENS SO IT IS TIME TO YET AGAIN PUT ON FRUIT-HAT AND FAKE MOUSTACHE AND LEAVE THROUGH THE WINDOW. IVETA WOULD LIKE TO THANK ALL HER STRICTLY FRIENDS FOR THE LOVE, ALL HER STRICTLY HATERS FOR THE INSPIRATION TO CRUSH THEM, AND MOST OF ALL THE STRICTLY PRODUCERS FOR IVETA GETTING SO MUCH MONEY FROM THEM OVER THE YEARS, MOST OF IT FROM HER PAY-CHEQUE (10% GIVE OR TAKE). THIS WOULD NOT BE IVETA SOCIAL MEDIA UPDATE THOUGH UNLESS IT A) FEATURE LITTLE TO NO TALK OF ACTUAL SOCIAL MEDIAS AND B) ENDED ON AN INTERACTIVE CONTENT POLL.

EXTRA BONUS CONTENT DOWNLOAD : IF IVETA IS FOUND DEAD, THEN IT IS BECAUSE SOMEONE ALSO PAID IVETA MAYBE TO PUSH BOBBY UNDER TRAIN BECAUSE HE SPILLED ALL HER SECRETS IN A YOUTUBE INTERVIEW. IVETA CANNOT SAY WHO, BUT JUST IN CAST, DETAILS FOR POLICE ARE IN FILE ON COMPUTER CALLED “YEAHBABY”. PASSWORD IS “BUYMYCALENDER”

UNTIL NEXT TIME (MAYBE YOU SEE IVETA AS JUDGE ON VENEZUELA’S GOT TALENT, OR AS DIRECTOR GENERAL OF BBC IN A RAINBOW WIG, OR MAYBE JUST WALKING ON COPACABANA BEACH IN A FABULOUS HAT GIVING YOU A CHEEKY WINK BEFORE DISAPPEARING AGAIN FOREVER), KEEP ON TWEETING YOUR TWEETS!

(Trent also has left, but I couldn’t work that in, sorry)

 

 

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28 thoughts on “A Very Important Update

  1. Elsa

    If you liked Iveta for her mastery of English, you gonna love Gleb:

    “I’ve been married for six years, but it’s just something I’m not really talking about that much,” Savchenko says of wife, Elena Samadanova who is also a dancer (but isn’t on DWTS). “If someone asks me, I’ll say, ‘Yes, I am [married],’ because I don’t want to lie. I want to be honest, but it’s not something I’ll just go and talk on every single corner about. But I’m very happy.”

    http://www.people.com/people/article/0,,20685937,00.html

    BTW, I blame Gordana for losing Trent. Can you send henchgay Bobby after her, then maybe we get him back?

    Reply
    1. monkseal Post author

      I think Trent’s devotion to Gordana is touching, if the rumours of him fronting up to Evil Moira Ross In A Rainbow Wig to try to get her a job are true. Touching and utterly misguided, which makes it more so.

      Reply
  2. Chris

    I’m still holding out hope that Iveta is going to completely life-thief Aliona, and somebody breaks their leg or get a better offer from America and she’s going to be rolling back in like Aliona did on full bitterness mode (and if we can do exactly the same thing for Trent I’m down, he’s so lovable when he’s bitter)

    I’m devastated – I really thought that with Brendan and Ola acting so over the show last series they’d stop coming in for the paychecks, and that putting Anton on the judges panel for the People’s Strictly was some kind of screen test (to replace Len because he fills that niche – obvs was never going to happen). The show needs the eccentric pros like Iveta and Trent (in his own special way) for the campy wacko choreography if nothing else. And with them and Robin gone, the show’s going to be a hell of a lot less campy 😦

    Gotta love Aliona clinging on another year though, an inspiration to us all.

    Oh Jesus, there’s going to be 16 of them. Just like in notably beloved series 6 and 7, which never felt like they went on forever not once. (Don’t get me wrong I still love Strictly but 14 weeks is a bit much – unless they plan on putting 5 people in the final bleurghhh)

    Reply
  3. Neio

    Aww, how can they get rid of Iveta?! I loved her. Sorry to see Trent go too (but not bothered about seeing Robin go if I’m honest).

    Very surprised they’ve asked Ola back, given how much she slagged the show off and looked in the last series like she wanted to kill someone. I guess they didn’t want to be seen to fire her after her injury, even though it seemed like she was out of the door before that? Can’t believe they asked Joanne back either. Her choreography last series was atrocious, even given Scott’s lack of ability.

    The one ray of light? Tristan’s coming back! That guy is so hot.

    Reply
    1. monkseal Post author

      Honestly last year was a positive endorsement for Anton’s “HA HA MARVELOUS, THIS SHOW IS A JOKE” attitude of coping given just how jaded Brenda and Ola both were. I wonder how much longer Kristina’s going to be able to stay…erm…as COMITTED as she is to competing.

      Reply
    1. monkseal Post author

      I watched Gleb doing the paso doobly with some woman in a giant red tent and I switched off after about 15 seconds. I think this might just be me being in an off-season state of mind though.

      Reply
  4. Marcela

    First of all, thank you so much for one last Iveta’s Medias Corner. God, I’m going to miss her, more than Katya, more than anyone. I can’t believe Joanne’s staying but I suppose that’s due to Kevin reaching the final in two years in a row, so…

    I’m also annoyed to see Trent go, I liked him a lot last year, he brought something new and he was interesting (when he didn’t have his tired face on). Although I fancy the pants off Tristan his choreography didn’t convince me much in order to make me want him to stay, if I had to sacrifice him instead of Trent I’d happily do it. But we’re mere mortals and TPTB don’t listen to us.

    I don’t really mind Ola but I can’t believe she’s staying, even after she slagged the show as much as she could last year and after a broken foot/ankle/knee (whatever it was). No, just no.

    Bye Iveta, you’ll be missed 😦

    Reply
  5. Beyonce Castle

    Gosh, Otlille Mabuse is replacing her. She hasn’t even finished her first series here in Germany yet (I prefer her sister Motsi who is a judge here).
    Plus her hip hop (yep, that was a dance, Len would turn in his grave) was pants. Red leather pants. Her current pro is a dickhead wannabe gangster famous for being a German xfactor equivalent. Maybe she will get a better pairing in UK. I can only think that maybe Steve was the dick behind the scenes if Ola is back. Unless they do believe that any publicity is better than no publicity. Is her phone vote that strong then?

    Reply
    1. monkseal Post author

      I would make a crack about how it couldn’t be worse than Anya’s, but I’ve just seen her on tour and she is much improved. She lip-sync’d to Uptown Funk.

      Reply
  6. Beyonce Castle

    Sleb not pro, and to be fair he was being a twat in the vt the producers probably made him do. Although the reality shtick is fair enough as he was in the jungle too. Wonder how many of the 16 uk slebs I won’t need to google in September. Still want Vivienne Westwood. Or Richard Madeley
    😉 Gleb is talented, maybe he could have the ringah. Tristan is now Robin and will get Mary Berry.

    Reply
    1. Huriye

      Will this Gleb – who has replaced my Luscious Trent ❤ ❤ ❤ (I'll never recover 😦 ) – have any energy at all once he shows up for Strictly? Or will he be burned out and jaded, after apparently not only being on DWTS US but also USSR? I only found this out after the Russian Skating fans I follow have been Retweeting him begging for votes.
      And yes, Beyonce Castle, Strictly Producers always believe tabloid stories are helpful, and have conspired to generate them since series 1. I can't face another porno pic of Ola suggestively holding a lolly next to her lips. It's 2015 Ola FFS!
      As Vicky Vile said, I don't even know this show anymore! Gawd knows what direction they want to take it in, but you can bet it'll be alot less Ballroom and alot more Trash-o-taniment. In that case Len really will 'turn in his grave'.

      Ačiū ir Sudie lovely Iveta ❤ You added so much to the gaeity of our nation, and we'll miss you hugely. 😦

      Reply
  7. durnovarian

    Can’t vote in the poll as there’s no option for “I can’t believe Iveta is gone and I still have to endure Ola AND Aliona AND Kristina AND Karen AND Janette AND Joanne. 😥 😥 And I’m already dreading Toss’ mangling of the three new pros’ names…

    Reply
      1. durnovarian

        If there’s a way to mispronounce it, Toss will find it. How many years now has she failed to get the hang of ‘Ola’?

  8. Agrippina

    No Iveta AND no Trent? But yes Karen? I say this every time they get rid of my favourite dancers, but I may not be sticking with Strictly this year. Well, maybe I’ll watch the opening show to see Tristan’s bottom, and then depending on who he gets paired with it might be worth tuning in to see how they get on, and it would be hilarious if Brendan was given The Fat Useless One 2015 (TM) so I’ll probably watch it if that happens, but otherwise – DEAD TO ME.

    Reply
  9. lausace

    This is so annoying, Iveta was fantastic, hilarious in the best possible way, i will deeply miss her leopard print all in one’s, but most of all i will miss monkseal’s ivetamazing post’s on her 😦

    Reply
  10. missfrankiecat

    I can only imagine that Iveta wanted to go or made really, really unreasonable contractual demands (probably with menaces) because, seriously, she is streets ahead of Janette, Karen and Ola as a dancer, was just as glamorous with more personality and appeared to be a reasonable teacher. It does seem as if they are fixated on having pro couples (unless you are James Jordan, of course) even if it means sub standards from half the couple.

    Reply
  11. Minxy

    Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooopoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

    (On iPad had to tap every single one)

    Reply

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