Monkseal’s Top 60 Strictly Contestants Of All Time 2015

It’s back…and bigger than ever.

60. Peter Schmeichal – Series 4 : 7th place

Series 4 was really the high point of Strictly’s Love Affair with the SPORTSMAN!. And of course, by extension, Len’s possibly literal love affairs with SPORTSMEN! The top three male contestants were all sportsmen, something that will probably never happen again. Peter Schmeichal was, sadly, the least of the sportsmen in the public eyes, as his obvious ability in the ballroom discipline couldn’t balance out his utter lack of feel for the Latin. I know. Who would have thought that a 6ft 3 goalie built like a loosely stacked pile of cardboard boxes wouldn’t naturally find the cha cha rhythm? And to its credit, the show did its best to keep him away from the worst of the genre, subbing him an easy paso doble early on (which Erin promptly ballsed up by making it be danced to the tune from MISSION IMPOSSIBLE, God bless her), but by Week 6 it could no longer be avoided. Peter Schmeichal had to dance samba. And in doing so produced one of the truly great Strictly comedy dances. Nobody who ever saw it could forget the sight of Schmeichal slowly lumbering around the dancefloor like he was fleeing from angry villagers clutching pitchforks and burning torches, then…”1…2…3…SHAKE YOUR BODY DOWN!”. At which point he violently shook like Frankenstein quite literally trying to dance his nuts off. Even now the thought of Erin talking him through it in training is enough to raise a smile on my face. Oh yeah, and his ballroom was really good as well. I think there was a tango or something? I dunno. (Strictly Stat FACT : Peter Schmeichal is Strictly’s highest-ever placing Danish contestant). (Strictly Stat FACT : Peter Schmeichal is the only Strictly celebrity whose name serves as it’s own cod-Yiddish dismissal. Kensit? SCHMENSIT! Schmeichal? SCHMEICHAL!)

59. Deborah Meaden – Series 11 : 12th place

Good old Drunken Auntie Debbie. She may have been chosen for the show due to her background as a fierce businesswoman with a combined textile mill/holiday camp empire (??) and the second-best female Dragon of all time, but once on the show she turned into a right sloppy dollop. During Series 11, it was hard to reconcile Deborah’s previous flippantly ruthless tv persona, dispatching sweaty 42 year old dog grooming franchise owners from Cleethorps with a dismissive flick of her fingernails with her breathless romanticising of Latin American culture, nerdish devotion to getting ballroom dancing right, hoofing it around ripping her skirt off to Bucks Fizz, and ultimately her weepy departure speech where she all but offered to buy everyone a bar at the after-party. Deborah’s time on the show was brief, but revelatory. Next – that one called Piers who’s not unfit please.

58. Abbey Clancy – Series 11 : Winner

After two months of consideration, reflection, rewriting the entire end of the series via fanfic I then had acted out in my living room, and drink, Abbey Clancy’s time on Strictly ultimately feels a bit like a card trick. The sort performed by the likes of master conjurer and possible future Mr Aliona Vilani, Dynamo. Whilst my eyes were on other contestants, praying they’d have performance breakthroughs, or be able to bow out of the show with dignity, or shoot Kevin a tranq dart, or stop fecking wafting already, Abbey Clancy was slowly but surely riding to public love, acclaim and affection entirely out of my line of sight, whilst all I could see was an alternating set of flashcards saying “ME NERVES”, “ME KIDS”, “ME PETE”, and “I JUST DON’T WARRIT TUH END!”. In the end, her Strictly victory utterly blindsided me, leaving me feeling like a bit like everyone else had been on a journey that I hadn’t been invited on, like all of my University housemates had just buggered off to Paris without telling me, NOT THAT THAT EVER HAPPENED, THEY ALL LOVED ME, I WAS TOTALLY COOL. At any rate, Abbey managed to win Strictly, with the second highest ever average score of any winner, over one of the strongest female fields in show history, having provoked few emotions in me stronger than “well that was quite nice”. So erm…have this quite nice position in the Strictly pantheon.

57. Patsy Kensit – Series 8 : 7th place

Patsy Kensit made her mark on the Strictly dancefloor via the medium of vampy trampy camp. Who before the series was not expecting Patsy to be a hard-edged cold-hearted inscrutable ringer, probably partnered with Brenda at his most Swayze and sexed up to her eyeballs? It seemed like destiny. Instead, in one of those twists of character Strictly excels at, she turned out to be a boggle-eyed luvvie gusher, partnered with Robin and camp as Christmas at Darren & Lilia’s house (THEY’VE DRESSED THE PUGS UP AS SANTA’S ELVES!). It was Patsy who served as the catalyst that propelled the Results Reveal off into its current realms of Safety Sex-Faces, with her having a full-blown orgasmic conniption fit every time she squeaked by another week. But these orgasmic faces were just the cherry on top of the whipped cream of the Knickerbocker Glory that was Patsy’s Luvvie Sundae. Weeping at the drop of a hat, flinging her arms (/Husband Detectors) around with gay abandon, and performing in costume as, amongst other things, a cowgirl, Roxie Hart, Kylie Minogue, Lola the Showgirl from Copacabana, an Essex mum on a hen-night, and the protagonist of the song “Anyone Who Had A Heart”. (Editors Note : Robin Windsor was still affecting heterosexuality at this point in Strictly History). Slightly tragic and best-forgotten last-gasp grasp for a career in “Dance-Yourself-Skinny” tie-in slimming DVDs aside, Patsy Kensit genuinely truly showed off a softer side to herself during Strictly, whilst occasionally plopping out a true camp classic. Never more so than in her Hallowe’en Jive, where she channelled Carry On Screaming whilst Robin motor-boated her boobs.

56. Don Warrington – Series 6 : 12th place

Very few Strictly contestants have embodied the concept of dignity as well as Don Warrington did. In as much as that any dignified person is bound to look baffled when confronted with Strictly Come Dancing, a land of gurning, gaudy sequins, and occasional lifts that consist of the man swinging the lady round in the air, periodically flashing her downstairs pantry. Don lasted for 5 weeks in Series 6, and at no point did he really look like he knew what was going on, or whether he particularly approved. But despite his obvious befuddlement at what a “Camilla” was, he still managed to produce one of the show’s most memorable tangos. More than any other tango on the show it truly embodied the spirit of the Strictly Tango as described down the years by Len, Karen, or Ian Waite in an ill-fitting cowboy hat as being “tee hee prostitutes”. Don managed to parlay his Strictly stint into a recurring role in long-running BBC-jolly-masquerading-as-a-tv-show “Death In Paradise”, and let’s face it, as Strictly prizes go, that has to rank above “playing Jack Worthing in repertory theatre in Woking for a 6 week run”. (FUN STAT FACT : Don Warrington shares the record for “Largest Increase In Score Between First And Second Dance” with…well, a bunch of other people. But STILL!)

55. Phil Tuffnell – Series 7 : 8th place

A lot was made in Series 10 of how Michael Vaughan had to live up to the fearsome cricketing legacy of Darren Gough and Mark Ramprakash, with Tuffers treated as a jokey afterthought. Which is a shame, because I’d rather watch Tuffers barely summon up the energy to shuffle his lazy arse around the dancefloor than sit through another second of the Dancing Wardrobe. Tuffers’ lazy crawl through the first half of Series 7 was truly a scientific disproof of the idea that you only get out what you put in. Many has been the contestant who has been praised for making good dancing look effortless, but only with Tuffers was it actually literally true. And despite all that he was on course to being a player in the end-game until his knees fell off and Katya had to trundle her dance partner around in a wheelchair. And for once it wasn’t her fault! As far as we know. Speaking of which, has there ever been a more genius pairing than the lackadaisical, weary, cheeky Phil with the hyped up, aggressive, frequently humourless Katya? No, no there has not. And then they bonded to the degree that Katya was still notably pissed off at Len years later for prematurely ending his stay in favour of Ricky Groves. And she was right to be.

54. Quentin Wilson – Series 2 : 10th place

Argue all you want about who is the greatest dancer in Strictly history. St Jill. Goddess Kara. The Immortal Alesha. Ramprakash and his Rampant Pants. Tom Chambers. That One Off Hollyoaks. Even if you’re a fanbase mafia member in the highest, if you’re open minded, then you have to allow for the fact that there’s always the possibility that, one day, someone who will come along who is just that bit better. With that bit more finesse, poise, confidence, glamour and likability. But at the other end of the scale…there’s Quentin. And there’s nobody who’s ever going to be worse than Quentin. In his one dance (yes, it was so bad he couldn’t even get a sympathy vote) he set so many Strictly records. The lowest score ever (and all the attendant “worst cha cha”, “worst latin”, “worst male dance”, “worst week 1 dance” records that trail in its wake). The only time Arlene ever gave a 1. The only time Len ever went below a 4. One of only 7 dances in Strictly history to score below 3 from any judge other than Craig. Nobody is ever coming along and beating that, and watching Quentin’s cha cha, resplendent in his sparkly L Plate, stomping around determinedly but vacantly and arrthymically, I can’t believe anybody could deserve to. Not even Widdy. Not even FIONA. For that, Quentin Wilson deserves a little place in Strictly history, and this countdown.

53. Ashley Taylor Dawson – Series 11 – 6th place

If you’re prone to comparing Strictly contestant to characters from The Old Testament (and Lord knows I am), then Ashley Taylor Dawson has probably the most obvious Biblical counterpart in Strictly history. More than Chris & Ricky as David & Goliath, Kelly Brook as Salome or Widdy as The Ark, Ashley Taylor Dawson PERSONIFIED Job. Coming into Series 11, the YEAR OF THE WOMAN, and following the victories of Harry and Louis (the other members of One Direction being busy apparently), Ashley Taylor Dawson was seen as the heir apparent to their throne of “young stud who doesn’t even have to try to win”. People were irritated by his army of squealing fangirls before they even existed. Then all this happened :

  • His girlfriend spent the first month and a bit of the show on the verge of giving birth.
  • His girlfriend gave birth (already at this point Ashley looked a bit dead on his feet)
  • Hollyoaks gave him a large-scale gruelling storyline to film (so far, so Ricky Whittle)
  • Olaography, generally
  • The judges refusal to give him a 10
  • The judges refusal to not give him 8, 9, 9, 9 (35) for FIVE DANCES IN A ROW
  • The cowboy outfits
  • His own first-born son turning on him and supporting Dave for the win instead
  • The magical flying carpet
  • The constant cheesy group routines that Ashley gurned his way through like he was re-enacting the coke-flop scene from American Psycho : The Musical
  • Finally, the Rigathon.

In a very real sense I feel like the producers were determined to drive Ashley Taylor Dawson to the very brink of insanity, acquiescing to allowing another Hollyoaks star on after the debacles of Series 7 only at the very worst possible time in his life to do so, and then piling calumny upon calumny upon him until his brain snapped. Based on his general demeanour for the last few weeks of the show, they succeeded. His dancing was fine, his personality was fine, but Ashley Taylor Dawson is Number 47 mostly for the pure non-stop ever-accumulating Scahdenfreude.

52. Stephanie Beacham – Series 5 : 13th place

I did waver initially on including Stephanie Beacham in the list, as 95% of what she did that was so amazing didn’t in fact happen on a “proper” Strictly. It happened on a Launch Show. Strictly has long struggled with the question of how to spike X Factor’s ratings advantage gained by starting several weeks before anyone sets foot on the Strictly dancefloor. Now they conquer it with a Launch Show, building the hype around finding out the series’ new partnerships . In series 6 and and 7, they made the casts so bloated that Strictly in fact began somewhere around the middle of May. But before that, there was the Vague Preview Show. In which we learnt such exciting preview show facts as “Now there are shows like Strictly in OTHER COUNTRIES like INDIA and AFRICA!”, “Bruce is Old!” and “Karen still remembers when she won with Ramps!”. In short, it was pretty uninspiring. Until, that is, Stephanie Beacham burst on, rolling her eyes at Kelly Brook’s cleavage, marvelling at the age gap between herself and Vincent, and most memorably, noting how that Gabby creature could get her leg up over her head. Not until the arrival of Pasha from the mysterious East was there a greater hype job for a series. Never mind that she was the first woman out, that her one dance (a quickstep to K T Tunstall) was pretty indifferent, and that Vincent Simone kind of didn’t know what to do with someone who was even more of a caricature than he was. I can’t remember being more excited by the oncoming storm of a Strictly contestant than I was for Stephanie Beacham, and it almost doesn’t matter that she turned out to be more of a light drizzle.

51. Michael Vaughan – Series 10 : 7th place


Together, they say more than words, don’t they?

50. Michelle Williams – Series 8 : 9th place

It’s nice to have Michael Vaughan and Michelle Williams sat next to one another in this countdown, because their respective peaks (“New York, New York” and “Time Warp”) were amongst the most exciting underdog moments in the show’s history. Vaughany (did I say that right? All blokey? VAUGHNY!) getting to headline Wembley with a showy ballroom triumph, and Michelle defeating all the odds against her (Brendan’s lack of availability, her status as Series 8’s resident Bottom 2 Goddess, her own complete inability to dance) to just about eke out another week when all seemed against her, with an hilarious infectious nonsense of a dance. The reason Michelle is one place higher, despite probably being a worse dancer overall, is that Michael Vaughan was likable but a little dry, whereas Michelle Williams was a complete nut. Years spent labouring away in Beyonce’s shadow (hell, KELLY ROWLAND’S shadow) had left Michelle with a little bit of second banana cabin fever, which she decided to burn off my yelling “COME TO MAMA!” in the faces of a terrified line-up of professional partners as her first input to the show, and barely slowing down after that, vibrating through every dance with a complete lack of control or purpose. Brendan blamed all this on her addiction to “sugar” and…yes, at times, it did seem like a white powdery substance commonly imported to these shores from South America may well have been behind Michelle’s VIBRANT persona. So wired was she that not even Ian Waite could tame her, not even with a tango. Brendan had to completely change the rhythm of the waltz, established since the DAWN OF DANCE ITSELF to fit the rhythm of Michelle’s life. Best of all though, was how she clearly terrified the BEJESUS out of Widdy, as she screeched “WE LOVE YOU ANNNNNN!” and grabbed at wherever Widdy’s bosom had settled that night, whilst Ann wore her best “Lady Violet of Downton Abbey” face. For that alone Michelle, I salute you. (Also when she kept on yelling “I AGREE!” every time the judges spoke that one week, until it became the “Sideshow Bob steps on a rake” of Strictly Come Dancing)

49. Denise van Outen – Series 10 : 2nd place

Probably, I dunno, according to The Daily Star, let’s just go with it, because being 2nd adds more to Denise’s Strictly Legacy than it ever could to Kimberley’s. Because Denise van Outen’s name seemed etched in stone by the Fates themselves as being destined to finish 2nd in Strictly Come Dancing. Too talented and popular to go out before that, but too much of a RINGAH to be given the win. Denise uncomfortably fell between two stools, with her fans claiming that she was the most wonderful dancer Strictly had ever seen, practically perfect in every way and an inspiration to all, and her detractors claiming she was a patently insincere dissembling West End hoofer slumming it for a career boost. In reality she was neither – her Party Latin (jive aside) was pretty ropey and, infamous “all I done in Chicago was sit in a chair!!!” moment aside, she didn’t really go out of her way to muddy the waters of her CV. And so, for most of the series, Denise was fun to watch about 70% of the time (jive, Charleston, foxtrot, paso doble, tango, showdance), underwhelming to poor most of the rest of the time (waltz, cha cha, samba, fusion, any time she pulled the above face or variation thereof or started yelling about the hole in her dress DID YOU SEE IT LEN SHE DONE A HOLE IN HER DRESS), and overwhelmed by James trying too hard the rest of the time (THAT RUMBA! THAT VIENNESE WALTZ!). Still, she had enough memorable dances and hilarious moments (covering up her botched salsa ending with an implied mid-splits blowjob HURRAH) to warrant a Top 25 place on this list. And then she hit the Bottom 2 and the last two weeks of whinnying and wheedling and whole episodes of It Takes Two devoted to having various celebrities tell us that Denise was “NOT! A! RINGAH!” and how rude we all were for preferring a whole FOUR OTHER PEOPLE ZOMG seeped out slowly like a stink-bomb, marring an otherwise enjoyable series. And after that it felt less worth it.

48. Aled Jones – Series 2 : 4th place

I have to say, no spoiler or anything, but pound for pound I think Series 2 clearly has the best cast of any series of Strictly. Of its 10 contestants, 9 of them are either on this list, or were in serious consideration for it at one point or another, just because they all delivered in their particular niche so well, be it “randy old lady”, “overly competitive Sports Bitch”, “grumpy gardener” or “being Julian Clary”. The one exception? Roger Black, who was clearly supposed to be the sexy male front-runner and gift-wrapped present to Camilla for putting up with David Dickinson the series before and was then…not very good, or very interesting. Fortunately, Aled Jones was happy to swoop in to fill the void of Housewife’s Choice Superstud. Right from the very first twitch of his hips to “She Bangs”, the women of the nation were ready to hurl their knickers and it continued right through such SEX CLASSICS as “It’s Not Unusual”, and “Crazy Little Thing Called Love”. The virginal 80s choirboy transforming, twenty years later, into Housewife’s Choice in a very different way, even with his still frosty crunchy 90s hair and slight lack of chin, was one of the more endearing storylines of Series 2. On top of that, he was the first half-decent male dancer in the history of Strictly, and also the public’s very first introduction to the Tsunami Of Dance that was Lilia Kopylova. Quiet, unassuming, stuck with yet another “Miss Dominatrix Iron Knickers Whiplash Scowly Face” gimmick because the producers didn’t know what to do with her. It wasn’t clear yet just what a dominant force she’d be over the first half of Strictly history, but she still made quite an impact. Who else would choreograph a samba to “Walking In The Air” and kind of sort of almost get away with it?

47. Alex Jones – Series 9 : 5th Place

There’s an unpleasant trend amongst female tv presenters to act like overgrown children. Faux-innocent thumb-sucking sexuality, forced naivity, pastel colours and an ickle-baby-voice. Who amongst us does not yearn for a generation of Mary Beards and Dr Alice Robertseseses, teaching the nation about science and smartness? And yet…Alex Jones on Strictly took rampant childishness to new levels, and yet was kind of charming with it. She approached every new challenge with dilated pupils like she was hyped up on sherbert, and James was her exasperated babysitter trying to get her to go to bed already, no matter how much she wants to stay up late to watch “Don’t Tell The Bride” and eat Haribo until she pukes. MUMMY LETS HER, SHE SWEARS! (Side Note : Alex Jones was 30 years old). Mega-Hankie wielding Wembley tango aside, her dances were rarely anything to write home about, but for those of us whose favourite sport of Series 9 was “watching crazed Matt Baker fans somehow convince themselves his less deserving co-host was going to go one better than he did and win”, that somehow made it all the better. Also there was that one time she flipped James off on camera and they didn’t edit it out. Good times, good times.

46. Victoria Pendleton – Series 10 : 8th place

There’s a certain pattern of thinking behind the decision of quite a few women to become a Strictly contestant ; a pattern of thinking that probably reaches its apex in Victoria Pendleton. It goes something like this : “Hmmmmm, I have no sense of rhythm, have no real affinity for music, I’m emotionally unstable, I have a habit of pissing people off every time I open my mouth, I don’t take well to authority or being told what to do, I don’t respond well to not being good at things, and I’m coming down from the biggest high of my life and facing the void thereafter with a mixture of terror and discomfort AND I don’t mix well with Antipodeans…BUT…I really want someone to do my hair up nice and pick out sexy dresses for me”. And so it was Victoria began her two month reign of terror over Strictly, crying, getting tangled up in her dress, crying, demanding a puppy, crying, being catapulted around Wembley strapped to a bicycle wafting around a giant Union Jack, crying, demanding all her choreography be changed to stuff she could do (LOL GOOD LUCK), crying, doing unholy lifts that not a single other contestant in Strictly history could do thanks to her ungodly SPORTSWOMAN strength, crying, dancing well a couple of times sort of if you squinted, crying, watching blankly as Brenda fell over into the orchestra pit, crying, THAT SAMBA, JUST, THAT SAMBA, and, finally, crying happily at her elimination that she was an awful dancer WHOOPS, sorry for wasting everyone’s times. For her to be a truly classic comedy contestant I would have liked some more…well…dancing out of her, but nobody can deny that PENDLEDRAMA was a force of chaos that enlivened Strictly for every second she was in it.

45. Bill Turnbull – Series 3 : 6th Place

Bill Turnbull has, I believe, the distinction for the largest and most mental fan-thread of all the largest and mentalest fan-threads at Digital Spy, despite the handicap of not even being remotely suspected of shagging his dance partner. I think. If I’m wrong on either count, don’t tell me, because I don’t want to know. So what IS IT about Bill Turnbull that inspires this level of crazy devotion? His unassuming nature? His love of bees? His being the one thing holding Charlie Stayt (*shudder*) back from total Breakfast TV domination? Personally, for me, the magic was in his relationship with Karen Hardy, in one of the most under-rated partnerships in Strictly history. It’s frequently said that Karen and Ramps’ differing personalities are part of what propelled him to victory WHEN SHE WON WITH RAMPS, but people forget her dry run the year before with a similarly dry and baffled personality, slowly teasing out the razzle-dazzle ham within week-on week, all culminating in the glorious moment when she choreographed his waltz to finish with him cheesily receiving a flower from her, and looking like he wanted to die. It’s a shame he never really got to show off his dancing skills properly after a decent Week 1, as he crocked his ankle immediately afterwards and never fully recovered (and yet still stayed firmly rooted in the gynaephobic Series 3 mostly on the basis of his penis HUZZAH), but at least this means he has the rather bizarre distinction, as a long-running contestant, of having got his highest Strictly score in a Week 1 cha cha. So few can say that.

44. Kimberley Walsh – Series 10 : 3rd place

Kimberley Walsh in retrospect truly defines the careerist Strictly contestant. Everything about Kimberley’s stay on Strictly, from her wangling a guest performance slot, to plugging her forthcoming album of musical theatre standards in the middle of a VT, to her smacking her head off a wall screaming and crying “WHY CAN’T YOU BE PERFECT KIMBER?” every time anything went wrong, was shiny-edged, slightly dead-eyed, and utterly focused on moving forward her dead duck of a solo music career. But for me that was never really a problem, chiefly because I loved Kimberley Walsh entirely because she was the deceptively ruthless, sharkish, manageress Boss Bitch of Girls Aloud. That she was exactly the same on the show as I imagined she was elbow-barging Louis Walsh out of his share of t-shirt sales was a positive boon. She also was pretty much the only person enlivening Series 10’s utterly pedestrian endgame. Everything from Louis’ Charleston onwards felt like everyone was grimly lock-stepped into the Olympian’s victory march, apart from Kimberley suddenly deciding to raise her game for no real reason and to no real end, spewing musical theatre magic in all our faces. She may not have been the most lovable or relatable of Strictly contestants, but goddamnnit she was amongst the most polished.

43. Claire King – Series 4 : 6th Place

All hail Claire King. The undisputed Queen Cougar of Strictly Come Dancing. I think Series 4 is about when the show realised that Brendan Cole’s personality suited the role of campy villain just as well it did of “Prawn-Headed Lover Boy”, a role that he continued to play off and on for the next two series before he was redeemed by the love of Jo Wood. And Claire certainly played up her role of Malignant MILF to the highest, pouting, scowling, snarling at the judges, sticking her tongue out at departing couples, flashing her nuggets to the audience, and performing illegal lifts with aplomb. Has there ever been a more hilarious choreographical one-two than Claire’s illegal lift in her rumba, followed the next week by a fake illegal lift followed by a (porno) schoolmarm finger wag? Except possibly the choreographical one-two Claire’s nunga-nungas were doing in her salsa, the closest the show has ever come to full on pole-dancing, and clearly the inspiration for Strictly Argentina. All this would have been enough for a place on this list (even if she never got to dance to “Stacey’s Mom”, her spiritual theme song) but two important facts revealed after the series have pushed her all the way up to 37. Firstly that she was playing the role of Bendy Panto Wicked Queen with near-crippling arthritis, and secondly that she loathed Brendan the entire time, a fact that apparently he was unaware of until she spilled interviews about how awful he was all over the tabloid press. Brendan hatemances are always amazing.

42. Jason Donovan – Series 9 : 3rd place

The eventual fate of early series front-runners on Strictly is somewhat varied. Ramps and Alesha won handily. Dr Hammy and Matt made up the losing retinue of finalists. Denise van Outen ended up in limbo, Claire Sweeney in worse and Cherie…happened. But Jason Donovan’s fate is probably the most ignominious, because it seems like people forget he was ever seen as a contender to win at all. When he came out in that first week cha-cha, full of energy and pep and charisma, it seemed like the show was his oyster. The first “older” winner, Kristina’s Redemption and the British Donny Osmond. And this continued through Kristina’s early choreographical gems well performed (that bewitching quickstep! that gay-as-fuck tango!) until suddenly halfway through, the wheels fell off somewhere around his disastrous Wembley jive. The end result being that people utterly neglect to mention him these days, in order to better claim that Harry Judd had it in the bag from Day 1 and it was SOOOOO OBVIOOOOUSSS DUHHHHHH TWEENIE VOTERS SUCK. It’d be nice if Jason’s reputation could be rehabilitated a tad, because Lord knows there weren’t a lot of people in Series 9 who could dance. So long as Jason himself doesn’t feel the need to give any speeches about it…

41. Carol Smillie – Series 4 : 5th place

Carol Smillie marks a key turning point in Strictly Come Dancing casting history. She represents the point where the show realised that their audience was chiefly menopausal women, and that they might like occasionally to see someone who represents them (via a medium other than bellowing classical crossover music). Carol Smillie was 45 when she did Strictly, and probably officially the first woman to be “doing it for middle-aged women (who are also glamorous ex-models) everywhere”. Carol of course had two major storylines in her own right :

a) Carol’s Quest For A 30 : in which Carol quested tirelessly for 6 weeks to obtain a score of 30 from the judges, a feat she eventually achieved with her Cha Cha to Toploader, after coming agonisingly close twice before this on 29. If poor Carol had only waited a couple of series, she probably would have got that score just for turning up, knowing her own name, and having her shoelaces tied.

b) Carol-Cam : in which Carol shared on her website backstage videos of what it was really like to compete on Strictly on a day to day basis, giving an unparalleled access to training footage that had never been seen on Strictly before and never would again once everything got paved over with Comedy VTs. Also occasionally Matthew Cutler would turn up and bitch about Girls Aloud.

In the end, Carol sadly departed in 5th place, when truly the end of Series 4 would have been a much better place for having a Mark-Louisa-Carol final instead of…what we got.

40. Jodie Kidd – Series 6 : 6th place

If you ranked all 10 series of Strictly Come Dancing by the number of times the words “I’m NEVER WATCHING AGAIN!” were written somewhere on the Internet, in letters to the Radio Times and/or were screamed down the phone-line to the BBC Complaints Log, Series 6 would come out on top. By some distance. Between Sargegate, Austingate, RachelshouldhavewonbecauseTomshouldneverhavebeeninthefinalACTUALLYITHINKYOULLFINDHESHOULDgate, Series 6 may have been packed with dance-talent and excitement, but sometimes it was utter poe-faced and joylessly bitter. So having the human sorbet that was Jodie Kidd there, to wash away the bitterness and infighting with her jolly hockey-sticks attitude and pig-awful Latin, was often incredibly welcome. Game, gamine, graceful, giggly, (periodically) gormless and glam, to paralliterate Arlene Phillips, Jodie Kidd seemed to be the only one not taking Series 6 seriously, and that included the entire viewing audience at home. When she was eliminated in Week 10, leaving a whole month of series left to run without her, a little bit of light went out of the whole programme. And then she didn’t even turn up the final because she was too ill/couldn’t be arsed and it was even more of a let-down than having to watch three pigging foxtrots in a row.

39. Allison Hammond – Series 12 : 10th place

Inside the Strictly Training Room
She’d perve on Aljaz
He had a bottom, like two snooker balls
So round, so juicy.
How could you leave her?
When she wanted to, reach Blackpool?
The home of dance (and prostitutes)

Bad jive on Film Night
Tango choreo was a load of shite
But still she danced to WUTHERING WUTHERING WUTHERING HEIGHTS.

HEATHCLIFF! IT’S ME, IT’S CAFFEE!
ON A SOFA! IT’S FLYING AROUND!
LET ME SLAP YOU WITH A HANKIE!

Oh her cha cha! And her foxtrot!
And bits of her samba too!
She shook her boobs. Then swung her boobs.
Then rotated her boobies.
She was a right laugh.
Made Aljaz, much sillier
(And so so much camper)

So much she wafts in the night.
Took Hallowe’en Week, made it so right.
So at home with WUTHERING WUTHERING WUTHERING HEIGHTS

HEATHCLIFF! IT’S ME, IT’S CAFFEE!
ON A SOFA! IT’S FLYING AROUND!
LET ME SLAP YOU WITH A HANKIE! (X2)

ALJAZ! LET HER HAVE IT!
LET HER GRAAAAAAB YOUR BUM!
ALJAZ! LET HER HAVE IT!
LET HER GRAAAAAAB YOUR BUM!
YOU KNOW IT MEANS…MORE VOTES!

HEATHCLIFF! IT’S ME, IT’S CAFFEE!
ON A SOFA! IT’S FLYING AROUND!
LET ME SLAP YOU WITH A HANKIE!

HEATHCLIFF! IT’S ME, IT’S CAFFEE!
ON A SOFA! IT’S FLYING AROUND!

38. Simon Webbe – Series 12 : Runner-Up

Around The World (Mostly America and Europe Tho) Week was much maligned by fans of the show, but undeniably featured some amazing VTs. Pasha in the Turkish baths, Pixie and Trent getting high in a canal basin with SPECIAL CHEESE, Pasha in the Turkish baths, Mark and Karen going on the razz in IBEEFA, Pasha in the Turkish baths WITHOUT HIS SHIRT ON, and most weirdly of all, the surreal romance of Simon and Kristina in Belgium. Whilst it was never quite resolved whether they were actually shagging that angle was at least something to grab hold of with what was always quite an opaque couple. Fresh from an indifferent showing on the 2011 Christmas Special where he got overshadowed by Su Pollard throwing a chair at Craig (?) and Vincent actually winning something, against the laws of God and Nature, Simon stumbled through the entire competition tripping over one minor PR disaster to the other (a not-very-Daily-Mail friendly teenaged daughter, repeated bottom dance offs, getting into an awkward verbal with Claudia, being the reason I had to see Lee Ryan’s face on my tv again), propped up constantly by the judges, seemingly destined to end up only having a half-recalled place in Strictly history as the less-interesting male Lisa Snowdon. And then, in the run up to the final, something changed. And he became the just-as-interesting male Lisa Snowdon. Sudden extreme competence in ballroom, controversially slaying Pixie in the dance-off, sending Kristina into an ever-greater madness spiral than ever before, slamming that Argentine Tango through the ground in the final and generally tearing up the run-up to the final like Jaws tearing up that short pier, Simon made a last gasp grab for relevance out of almost nothing the likes of which we’ve never seen before, and the momentum of which catapulted him to a GLORIOUS TOUR VICTORY. Now if only he’d started a little sooner…

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37. Gethin Jones – Series 5 : 3rd Place

That picture is, of course, only included because even by Attitude Magazine’s usual standards of taking normally attractive, sexy people and making them look ridiculous, it takes the cake. I mean…has he got sexy appendicitis or something? Maybe it’s because I’m most familiar with Gethin Jones’ SEXUAL PULL via myself being a young man watching Blue Peter long after he should have for…reasons relating to Gethin (spray tans/hot tubs/fashion trips to Paris that required him to lose his clothes repeatedly/an item on the the history of body waxing (?)/him being turned into a piece of modern art that for some reason involved him taking his shirt off) but Gethin trying to be sexy never really did it for me, and his stint in Series 5 wasn’t aided by his being paired with Camilla, whose choreography has the same effect on my loins as the classic bromide and cold shower combination. Especially in the Latin. Still, despite all that, I enjoyed Gethin’s presence in Series 5 (EXCEPT WHEN HE GOT IN ALESHA’S WAY !!!!!!1!), particularly in the elegant ballroom dances, for which he had an undoubted knack. What really propels Gethin up this list though, is that he provoked the purest instance of Arlene-lust the show has ever seen. For all her ardour for Rampant-Pants, Arlene rejected his rumba as cold and ultimately, and for all her hollering, she stabbed Austin in the back JUST LIKE THE REST OF THEM. But once she fell for “Gethin The Gallant” there was no stopping her, trying to elbow arch-rival Matt out at every opportunity, and even trying in vain to keep Gethin safe from that dratted “Perfect Waltz”. For provoking such a frothy frenzy, Gethin deserves a medal. To go along with the restraining order he undoubtedly already has pinned to his door.

36. Lisa Snowdon – Series 6 : 3rd place

Lisa Snowdon’s descent into madness came so suddenly and violently that it’s easy to forget that for most of Series 6 she was just some ex-model Superfan, who hovered around the upper-middle of the leaderboard, who mostly existed so Bruce could make lame references to George Clooney. And then…suddenly :

  • The judges started repeatedly saving her over contestants who were better dancers (Cherie), more likable (Jodie) or both (ba’duh), whilst at the same time not really inflating Lisa’s scores that much, so it happened again and again
  • John Sergeant started giving nudge-nudge wink wink interviews that implied that some of the remaining were heinous rude bitches, and everyone assumed it was Lisa and Rachel JUST BECAUSE, OK.
  • Lisa started slagging off all the other contestants, on the grounds that “Brendan said so” all whilst repeatedly adjusting her enormous nunga-nungas like she’d just got out of the shower, and was not in fact on national tv
  • Brendan started sulking mysteriously in a corner about how the judges were biased in favour of the male contestants, and then laughing it off on It Takes Two as just him being Silly Old Brendan…before doing exactly the same thing the week after
  • Lisa’s family and Johnny Vaughan were suddenly all over the show like a rash, crying all the time and yelling that everyone who didn’t like her was JUSS JELUS because their husbands all wanted to do her FACT
  • The quarter-final and semi-final both happened, and the populace turned to writing froth-mouth missives to the Radio Times about how the judges WERE IN LOVE WITH LISA & RACHEL AND THEY ALL WANTED TO DO THEM BUMWISE, AND DID I MENTION POOR JOHN SERGEANT?
  • Lisa Snowdance
  • Lisa finished third
  • Len proclaimed for years afterwards that Lisa Snowdon was the greatest human being alive never to have won Strictly/A Nobel Prize For Economics and this must be recitifed immediately
  • Lisa turned up the next series final as the Pinky to Rachel Stevens Brain, undermining fatally a clear bid for an All Stars series featuring them both, by stumbling around like a dipso giraffe smashing up the village fete, whilst Rachel danced sweetly and perfectly and utterly terrified
  • Nobody really mentioned Lisa ever again in a positive way

In retrospect, Lisa’s sudden morph into emotionally incontinent self-sabotaging crazy, a la that soldier in a Vietnam movie who comes in all for spreading truth, justice and the American Way but who ends up decapitating his sergeant in the third real then napalming an orangutang, was the second most hilarious thing in Series 6 of Strictly. Snowdance of course being the most hilarious thing in Series 6 of Strictly, and in fact probably the history of Strictly. It’s such an artifice to misguided ambition, vanity, and tailoring, so poorly performed and choreographically misconceived. I can’t hear That Song these days without cracking up a little bit at the part where the music swells triumphantly, representing where Brendan hoiked Lisa around like a wet sack of cement, following immediately the part where they tried to recreate the finale of King Kong but with a cross-eyed stick-insect trying to climb the Empire State Building instead. Truly it will live in Strictly Legend forever. Her Viennese Waltz wasn’t bad though.

35. Tom Chambers – Series 6 : Winner

From a dancing perspective, considering Mark’s ballroom, Harry’s latin and Louis…well…face, I think Tom’s the most well-rounded male winner the show’s ever had. His waltz, his salsa, his quickstep and tango are all legitimately fun to watch, and obviously it’s Official Law in this country to love his showdance. And yet…the incessant nattering, the “annoying little brother” relationship with Austin, the constant badgering the judges to give him a 10 already, DID HE MENTION THAT HE WAS GETTING MARRIED SOON, YES I THINK HE MIGHT HAVE, the paso faces, the second jive faces, the faces generally, the fact that he incessantly prepared for the show in his basement for years before like some sort of Musical Theatre Batman. It all means I will never quite love Tom Chambers like I feel like I should, hence he only finishes one place above Snowdon, despite there of course being every reason in the world he should be much much higher.

34.  Jade Johnson – Series 7 : 7th place

My stance on Jade Johnson is twofold. On the one hand she was a glamorous pirate-queen, who wore far too much make-up, had a bolshy personality, and slowly transformed into a Real Lady under the tendrese of Ian Waite. One of the few exciting contestants in the mostly depressing mire of weekly put-on controversy that was Series 7, and probably the only one who married dance talent with an interesting (/barking mad) personality. If she had survived truly she would have been a worthy winner (/4th place finisher, most likely) (more worthy than Laila Rouass at any rate, let’s face it). Sadly though, that brings us to the other hand, which is that Jade Johnson was a legitimately talented athlete who blew her entire life’s work when her knee went “poof” whilst she was titting around on a silly gameshow. Truly Jade Johnson represents the Agony and Ecstacy of Strictly.

33. Lesley Garrett – Series 1 : 3rd place

More than anybody else on this list I debated whether I should put Lesley Garrett on at all. Not because of her, but as an admittance that I don’t really remember Series 1 all that well, and what I do remember I have to pick around Justin Lee Collins’ awful leering needy face. So if Lesley Garrett was not actually an OTT bombastic trainwreck who clattered through every dance like Hyacinth Bucket falling into and clambering out of her garden hedge (/Anton’s Chest Rug) then I can only apologise. But that’s how she is in my head, screaming “LAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!” at every opportunity and not taking menopause for an answer. Despite her less than stellar dance-talents (something she shared with every single other contestant in Series 1) Lesley Garrett’s legacy on Strictly is threefold :

  • She was the very first Strictly Bottom 2 Goddess, appearing in over half of the series Final Showdowns, including a record four in a row.
  • She created Anton du Beke, specifically his reputation as a gentleman, and therefore, for better for worse, is partially responsible for the…phenomenon he is today.
  • Something in Series 1, which I half-watched and didn’t altogether enjoy it, encouraged me to tune back in three months later for the next series (and the next eight after that) and it certainly wasn’t Natasha Kaplinsky’s frozen mask of sexy fear or Chris Parker running around like Batman

32. Letitia Dean – Series 5 : 4th Place

Letitia Dean has in all honesty one of the greatest Strictly Journeys of all time. She started off with the whole world against her. The public opposed to her because she was a stage-school RINGAH who unfortunately defeated the Amazing Stephanie Beacham in her first Bottom 2, with conspiracy theories abound about how she only escaped the wreckage of her truly mortifying rumba cause she was already signed up for the tour innit?. The judges on the other hand had little use for her, what with her not being one of their Chosen Hunks or the Fab Four Females who they all dribbled over. Instead she was one of the gawky ones at the back of the class, along with Kate Garraway, the classroom equivalent of those girls who spent the whole lesson writing on their ruler in Tipp-Ex, then chewing it. And yet…Letita Dean endured, and by the end of the series she was triumphantly departing in the Top Four, outlasting all but one of her more glamorous leggy rivals, with a glorious Waltz to “The Impossible Dream”. Along the way she was probably the best fit for Darren Bennett’s “Gayest Straight Man Alive” scthick, as they poked one another in the side of their boobs and snorted down their flared nostrils about how SILLY they were, particularly in their paso doble, which is officially the campest thing this show has ever seen not featuring Ian Waite or Erin Boag. She also turned 40, a lot, to the level that it became some sort of hysterical menopausal self-parody. Oh and there was that one week where she almost vomitted all over Tess. You may all now commence speculating about how many places higher she’d be if it actually landed on her. I’ll give you that it’s double digits, just to start you off.

31. Jake Wood – Series 12 : 5th place

Jake Wood’s relationship with Strictly was an odd one. On the surface it didn’t appear that he particularly wanted to be there, with his sulky face, surly demeanour, and stand-offish relationship with his professional partner (admittedly that could be explained by her still being semi-deaf from when Julien MacDonald pent a month screaming “GODETS! RUFFLES! I CAN’T STRAIGHTEN UP, I’M A MASSIVE BENDER CRRRRRRRRRRAIG!” 3ft away from her earhole the year before). But on the other you had the evidence of him hurling himself around like a goat in a force 10 gale in the Latin, his constant deploying of the BABY WARZ card, and most of all those tales his fellow contestants told of him entering some sort of The Zone/Mind Palace/Cone Of Concentration trance-like state before every live show and refusing to allow anyone else to talk to him lest it break his concentration. In short, Jake was a middle-aged balding ginger enigma with an ass that would not quit who ended up going from sure-fire Housewife’s Choice winner to semi-finals loser in the space of five seconds because Len decided that he liked a contemporary rumba. Jake is kind of inexplicable, Strictly wise, and I’m sure danceologists will be trying to work out his place in the show’s history for years to come. Personally, I can’t place him any higher than this given that he basically had one and a half good dances dragged out to four or five via the use of different costumes, props and song choices.

30. Louis Smith – Series 10 : Winner

Louis Smith’s victory in Series 10 is routinely dismissed as people only voting for him because they fancied him. This is incredibly unfair. It REALLY should be routinely dismissed as people only voting for him because they wanted to mother him. Louis is also routinely criticised for not having a personality, which is also unfair, because he had probably the most cartoonish personality of any of the final four. Remember when they did that “Cribs” fluff VT for him and it was basically him sat in his pants playing Call Of Duty, eating Pot Noodles with his fingers and making rude words out of his household ornaments? Truly Strictly Come Dancing 2012 was the year when we discovered just how cripplingly childish and emotionally stunted out Olympic heroes truly are. Also it was the year when Flavia’s normal face of quiet desperation gave way to naked mental LONGING for the glitterball, culminating in that glorious It Takes Two episode where she spent an entire interview dragging every remaining contestant as a stage school brat with an unfair advantage, then telling Claudia she’d HAVE HER TOO IF SHE LOOKED AT HER LOUIS FUNNY! Evaluation of his dancing outside of the “angry mother at parent evening drags along her reluctant teenage son by the earlobe” partnership vibe? I always thought it was uncanny how a man so adept at showing emotion with his body so often struggled showing it with his face. Still almost always fun to watch though.

29. Cherie Lunghi – Series 6 : 8th place

It’s easy to forget now, but Series 6 lasted a whole month before an episode where everyone took to the dancefloor at the same time. Up until that point the show was carried by two gender specific storylines, Jessie Wallace’s ongoing nervous breakdown, and laughing at Gary Rhodes’ mid-life crisis. A WHOLE MONTH. Those two gender specific storylines being “Tom vs Austin”, and “Cherie tosses bitches left and right”. Cherie Lunghi brought something to the show that the other female contenders that year lacked, at least initially – poise, utter self-confidence, peerless control over her body in the elegant dances, and James Jordan’s widest variety of haircuts yet (seriously – Wolverine, Lost Bee Gee, Giant Mr Whippy of Gel, the bristly toothbrush – they all happened). Almost as though she was ballet trained to the level that she bragged about it on her CV isn’t it? Anyway, in retrospect, Cherie Lunghi’s early series dominance was just her being set up as the sacrificial lamb at the final Bacchanalian orgy of SARGEMANIA, before it got out of hand and burned the whole village down. And what a spectacular downfall. One week she was riding high at the top of the leaderboard, scoring 36 in her waltz, the next sucking wind and blowing imaginary typhoons in a pink nightie for her cha cha, bested in Lisa Snowdon’s very first Dance Off. Of the three years of James Jordan’s Tantalus Torment for calling Georgina Bouzova a fatty rum-pum-pum made of Mars Bars, partnered with ringer level talent with mediocre mid-boot results, Cherie Lunghi was my favourite. Gabby’s dancing was a little too aggressive, and Zoe Lucker’s inability to mentally handle being in the Bottom 2 was too much to watch. Cherie’s swift and merciless beheading, after 3 or 4 really good memorable dances, with nothing but Latin mediocrity ahead, was the perfect ending in comparison.

28. Jill Halfpenny – Series 2 : Winner

What? ME? JILL HALFPENNY? WIN STRICTLY? *gush* Or something similarly “modest”. Jill Halfpenny is undoubtedly the most important Strictly contestant of all time, except possibly Darren Gough. She carried the show from one-off charity-stunt success to a fully blown Saturday Night mainstay, classic of the reality tv genre, and International Hit, more or less single-handedly. She went from little-known minor soap actress to nation’s dancing sweetheart, as everyone chucked their Kaplisnky dolls in the bin as soon as they realised that people on this show might…you know…be able to dance quite well in-between shagging their dance partner and whimpering into Bruce’s shoulder about how scared they are. Sadly these days it feels like most of her Strictly Legacy has been eaten up by That Jive, to the extent that it doesn’t feel like people remember any of her other dances, except maybe when they’re casting around for decent paso dobles. I was never the biggest fan during the series, but she surely deserved better than that, given that she was the very first human incarnation of the Female Goddess Of Dance, who this year manifested herself in the form of Abbey Clancy. Just like that time the new Dalai Lama was a bit crap. You remember the one *drinky drinky motion*.

27. Pixie Lott – Series 12 : 6th place

Like a tub of Neapolitan ice-cream, Pixie’s time on Strictly had three distinct flavours. The first third was the synthetic and unpleasant vanilla, as Pixie told us over and over and over again how busy she was. So busy. Too busy to train, too busy to rehearse, too busy even to think. This was backed up by VTs shown of her doing terribly important things like attending a party, attending a fashion party, and celebrating her new single charting at K in the chart (they had to use letters, because they ran out of numbers). Needless to say, this wasn’t endearing and it didn’t help that the dances she was doing at the time were anonymous and forgettable, culminating in a tedious rumba that ended up with Pixie being “overcome by dahnce” at the end, to the interest of precisely no-one. This entire period is why she’s not top 20, by the way. THEN came the delicious strawberry stripe, as Pixie…well the lay person may think from her affect that she got stoned, constantly, but I’m sure she just relaxed into the competition or something, and there was no pharmacological reason why she suddendly started doing routines involving demonic hairdressers, fever dream Camren Mirandas, insectoid alien gladiatrix bitch-queens and coquettish use of a mangle. This period was the best of Pixie, just because she was briefly the overdressed, overchoreographed Lady Gaga/Katy Perry high-concept pop-star contestant this show has been crying out for in this era of props and excess. Then came the sinfully indulgent guilty pleasure chocolate flavour of her SHOCK BOOT, from second on the leaderboard, and then as soon as she came, she was gone again. Apart from when she turned up on It Takes Two to sing the entirity of Caravan Of Love, because why not?

26. Mark Benton – Series 11 : 7th place

In 2013, Mark Benton truly redefined what it meant to be a Strictly Comedy Contestant.

  • Instead of being hyped up for the entirety of The Launch Show, Mark was dealt with in 5 seconds at the end all “oh yeah and we got the fat one from Waterloo Road woo”.
  • Instead of having a massive fake one-note “personality” with catchphrases and comedy bits offstage, Mark was mostly just a normal likable man with crocked knees.
  • Instead of being some sort of weird plastic Comedy Action Figure who’d teleported in from nowhere and existed entirely in himself and of the moment just to be funny, we actually got to meet Mark’s family and children and have him treated like an actual human being.
  • Instead of not being funny, the comedy routines Mark danced were funny.
  • Instead of being taken out by the judges the first time he was in the dance-off, as only befits The Funny One, Mark was dragged through four. In a row. Just because.

What a pioneer. Sadly, the very next year we returned to “form” with the never-starting “comedic” voyage of Scott Mills but for a minute there…didn’t we almost have it all?

(PS two places have been deducted for “Iveta Luckypoopoo” officially the worst attempt at a nickname in the history of Strictly Come Dancing)

25. Judy Murray – Series 12 : 8th place

Forget Chelsee’s journey from Ladette to Lady, the greatest Eliza Doolittle in Strictly history is undoubtedly Judy Murray. But instead of bringing out Judy’s inner class and decorum, it was left up to Professor Anton du Higgins to make Judy Murray, stark and stony matriarch of the tennis sidelines, warm, fuzzy, and relatable to the Briti…alright, let’s just say it, English public. Slowly, over the course of her stint on the show, Anton teased out the playful, vulnerable, cuddly side of Judy, that enjoyed being lifted, awkwardly shuffling about a bit, and most of all having Anton use her vagina to swiffer the floor with. And she did it all without abandoning her twin principles of honouring her Scottish roots (via bagpiping and constant references to shortbread) and also embarassing the bejesus out of her children at every given opportunity. Following her stint on Strictly, Judy was in fact so popular with the nation at large that the SNP chose her as their new leader after Alec Salmond r….oh, what? That’s not…oh ok then, carry on.

Best Strictly Dancing Moment : Her tango. The sexual tension. The cackling. The SWIFFERING.
Best Strictly Non-Dancing Moment : I’M SPARTACUS!

24. Gavin Henson – Series 8 : 5th place

I say “5th place”, I still think he was probably 4th. I mean…who was still voting for Scott Maslen at that point? Anyway, much like my love for Nancy Dell’Olio, I feel like my affection for ol’ Gavbot is probably one of the most wanged about thing on this blog, so I’ll keep it brief. Gavin and Katya’s TRUE LOVE is one of the greatest partnerships in the history of the show and if all “banter” was of the quality of their “banter”, then “banter” would be a force for good in the world instead of evil. In the course of his Strictly dancing career, Gavin hated the jive, snogged Bruno’s face off, took Katya’s virginity whilst dressed as Satan, did a Week One Waltz any SPORTSMAN would be proud of, almost dropped Katya on her face ON THE STAIRS within the first 5 seconds of a dance, performed the most precarious lift in Strictly history not involving Ola Jordan (seriously Katya’s life flashed before her eyes twice at least) made a rugby ball sexy, and answered the question “if someone does a rumba but technically speaking doesn’t move, is it still a rumba?” (Answer : Yes). He was ALL THINGS TO ALL MEN. Also very orange.

Best Strictly Dancing Moment : Snogging the face off Bruno, performing a decent comedy quickstep, then fretting about his kids.
Best Strictly Non-Dancing Moment: “I’m thinking sexy thoughts” “Good for you”

23. Susanna Reid – Series 11 : 2nd place

As an experienced bleary-eyed early-morning viewer, Susanna Reid is probably the BBC Breakfast Host whose stay on Strictly least reflected their 6am TV persona. Where Bill Turnbull was still grumpy and avuncular, Chris Hollins was still irritatingly chirpy, and Kerplunk was still shit, Susanna Reid’s icy, coy, sexually superior breakfast style suddenly morphed into an entirely different person under those sequinned spotlights. Where I was expecting an imperious member of minor royalty, instead I got Diet Dr Hammy (100% Molestation-Free). The gushing, the sucking-up to the judges, the fulsome and wide-eyed praise for her professional partner, the “doing it for the *insert demographic here*”s, the dancing of everything at double speed and triple-expressiveness, the 25% chance that any given dance would end with her staring off into space lost in a moment of her own creating. And as an avowed Hamela fan I was glad to have that flavour of extreme earnestness back on my screen. Three things kept Susanna lower than her obvious inspiration – the fact that the original is always the best, the fact that she spent the entire finale gasping and clinging to Kevin like she’d just been sprayed in the face with Sarin gas, and finally, as the illustrative picture above demonstrates, a lot of the time she was kind of constantly upstaged by Kevin’s debut year of adorkability. Bonus points though for her death-feud with Fiona Fullerton – I really feel the BBC made a huge mistake not nailing them both down for that revamp of Mapp & Lucia they put on over Christmas.

Best Strictly Dancing Moment : Her paso doble, which was to pasos what Pamela’s Viennese was to that genre, but with added flamethrowers.
Best Strictly Non-Dancing Moment: That time she went to Grimsby to visit Kevin’s Dad’s Dance Academy dressed like she was going to Cannes.

22. Rachel Stevens – Series 6 : Runner-Up

BZZT, YOU MUST COMPLY! Ahem. There is a long history in Strictly of what I have always termed “bots”. And of course, everyone has their own interpretation of the word “bot”. A lot of people seem to interpret it to mean “a woman I dislike for no good reason” but that was never my intention. The original bot was a man for goodness sake (and still to appear on this ranking). But NOBODY defined the beautiful contradiction of Bothood more than Rachel Stevens did. Never has anyone married utter technical perfection (except in the Latin, where she was a bit “not good”) with tapioca magnolia beige bland interview like the Rachbot. Normally when people create drinking games around Strictly they’re a reach or just an excuse to be mean, but seriously if you’d taken a swig every time Rachel said “amazing”, “roller-coaster”, or “journey”, you’d be more pissed than Len Goodman trying to summon up the Dutch Courage to tell a room full of sportsmen how he really feels. Rachel’s interviews were so full of nothing, that it very quickly circled all the way back round to endearing. Really the relaunching of “Yes Minister” would have been much more successful with Rachel Stevens in the Sir Humphrey role, inscrutably waffling away for 29 minutes then rounding the episode off with a soaring round of “I Said Never Again (But Here We Are)”. But her usual utter unreadability made her odd moments of random overexcitement that more endearing, most notably right at the very end of her Strictly stint when she finished her showdance by botching a bum slide, ending up sprawled on the floor legs akimbo, giggling her face off.

Best Strictly Dancing Moment : That Argentine Tango. Never been bettered.
Best Strictly Non-Dancing Moment : Going absolutely apeshit when she got her first 10s

21. Nancy Dell’Olio – Series 9 : 11th place

I feel like my Nancy Dell’Olio fandom is well past the point of self-parody at this point. So I’ll just say

Greatest Strictly Dancing Moment : Nothing
Greatest Strictly Non-Dancing Moment : EVERYTHING

20. Louisa Lytton – Series 4 : 4th place

I’m considering positing an inviolable Law Of Strictly Soap Stars. The better the character, the worse the actor will be at dancing. Think about it. Cat Slater, Richard Hillman, Dot Cotton, Nurse Donna Jackson, RICKAY = all bad, bad dancers but SOAP LEGENDS. Kate Mitchell, Calvin Valentine, Dawn Swann, Steve Owen’s Incest Mum = amongst the worst characters in soap history but STRICTLY ICONS all. And Louisa Lytton continues the trend, as a key whiny cornerstone of Eastenders’ “Comedy Gangsters” nadir era, but one of the best Strictly contestants of all time. Louisa is the only teenager ever to have competed on the show (until we get an inevitable “Youtube Star” in two series time and I stick my head in a deep-fat fryer), and it showed, as she was by turns chirpy, full of energy and optimism and then the next second shiftless, truculent and lazy. The combination of these volatile personality traits, and Vincent’s very first ever series of Strictly choreography (which switchbacked from genius to middling to too hard to baffling on a weekly basis) meant that you never knew what version of Louisa was going to turn up on the dancefloor from one week to the next. Very little was more painful in the run-up to the end of Series 4 than watching UNDERDOG STARS like Peter, Carol, Claire, Louisa and…I dunno, I guess some people were into Ray Fearon, and I respect their life choices, get booted in favour of Matt and Emma, and I can’t help but feel a bit sad that we didn’t wind up with a final 3 of Mark, Louisa, and any one of the above. DAMN YOU JIMMY TARBUCK’S DODGY TICKER! DAMN YOU WHOEVER SUDDENLY DECIDED TO VOTE FOR EMMA THAT ONE WEEK ONLY. Once the series was over, Vincent and Louisa went on to compete for the UK in the Eurovision Dance Contest, which is a stain on humanity to the same degree as “World Idol” was, and I mention it only to say that we ALL deserved better.

Best Strictly Dancing Moment : Doing about 20 minutes of rehearsal for her jive the whole week and then knocking it out the park, in Week 2
Best Strictly Non-Dancing Moment : Craig Revell-Horwood going into quite unsavoury paroxisms about how she had the perfect arse for rumba. He’s never come closer to heterosexuality again.

19. Caroline Flack – Series 12 : Winner

Strictly simultaneously got its most and least mature female winner this year. Yes, at the ripe old age of 35, Caroline Louise Flack is the oldest woman ever to lift the glitterball, not that she showed it as, over the course of her Strictly life she :

  • Spent most of the premiere clutching Pasha’s upper arms squaling about how they were now BFFs as he gazed off warily into the distance
  • Lezzed up with Ola Jordan for attention
  • Noisily broke up with her cheating, no-good, quite handsome boyfriend
  • Tweeted the words “EASING YOUR GUILT?!?!” at him when he asked his followers to vote for her in the final as a gesture of goodwill
  • Immediately deleting it
  • Responded to reasonably valid criticisms that surfaced just before the final she’d hidden her years of previous dance experience and auditioning  for West End Shows as a dancer by basically going “NUHHHHHHHHHHHHH YER JELUS *block block block*”
  • Did a contemporary showdance to a Robbie Williams song (in her bedroom)
  • Binned off half the tour because she wasn’t feeling well, like, lady cramps or something definitely not because she was out partying and she couldn’t be arsed miss, she’s got a note.
  • Used getting fired from X Factor by Simon Cowell as leverage to get on Strictly, then apparently used her victory on Strictly to get back on X Factor

Maybe it was Caroline’s slight sloppiness and happiness to wear her heart on her sleeve and roll her eyes down the camera mid-quickstep that made her so relatable to the audience and which meant that coming into the final I was rooting for her to win. Or maybe it was because she was partnered with Pasha. Nevertheless when I think of Series 12, it’s ultimately Caroline’s erratic battle against her own hormones and the machinations of Wardrobe that I think I’ll remember most of all.

Favourite Strictly Dancing Moment : The Charleston that almost redeemed Around The World Week
Favourite Strictly Non-Daning Moment : *That* picture of her watching Pasha sleeping.

18. Harry Judd – Series 9 : Winner

Has there ever been a nicer nice young man than Harry Judd? Considering McFly rose to fame on a raft of online videos of them setting fire to their own pubes and deliberately stoking gay rumours (and not just any gay rumours, “enjoys getting roughly screwed in a service station by truckers” gay rumours), it was kind of hilarious to watch their drummer spend an entire episode of It Takes Two talking about his favourite type of knitwear. It was like finding out that Alice Cooper was really into golf. Seeing this force of middle-class argyle premature middle-age collide head-first with Aliona’s usual whirl of sexual vampiric custard and emerge somehow a better man for it was truly one of the stories of Series 9. For all that people talk about journeys on Strictly, it’s really rare to see winners actually get demonstrably much better from the first few weeks to the end. Just compare Harry’s early ballroom to the dances he was pushing out in the last few weeks, and there’s no comparison. He and Chelsee also have my favourite Final 2 relationship (remember? remember when we had those? Final 2s? Good times) from any series of Strictly. That of the two kids hanging around the fire escape smoking and rolling their eyes at everyone else. This is, of course, not saying a lot, as I can barely remember any other Final 2 who even liked one another. Unless you count those obviously fake tabloid rumours about Alesha and Matt The Brat GETTIN IT ORN.

Favourite Strictly Dancing Moment : His Viennese Waltz, for personal EMOTIONAL reasons, and his quickstep for “world’s most obviously series winning dance” reasons.
Favourite Strictly Non-Dancing Moment : That time his mum rang up It Takes Two and you could tell he was 5 seconds away from calling her “mater”.

17. Holly Valance – Series 9 : 4th place

Holly Vukadinovic Valance-Candy. The name alone conjures up exactly the image of Holly Valance that graced Strictly in 2011, and the show was all the better for it. Forget Holly Valance from the Kiss Kiss video (straight men, you are excused – I would never take that away from you) or Felicity Scully or…whoever she played in the Dead Or Alive movie (let’s be honest, the towel she was wearing had more consistent characterisation and screen-time than she did) (yes straight men, you can have that one too). The only Holly Valance I recognise as existing now is the bone dry millionaire’s trophy-wife who spent 25% of her time on Strictly trying to learn how to dance, 25% of her time glowering at Artem, and 50% of her time driving around her Ferraris, Maseratis and hot air balloons in VTs, vamping it up about how pretty, rich and spoilt she was, and how many rich friends she had. Probably my favourite reasoning behind choosing to participate in Strictly is “I’m rich and bored” because it usually delivers about the right level of personal investment in the competition – keen to have the experience, but also not rolling round on the floor crying because you were in the dance-off/only got a 9 for a dance you KNOW DESERVED A 10/Alesha looked at you funny or something. Holly’s experience of Strictly as a contestant seemed to most accurately match mine as a viewer. Entertained and invested, but never more than 5 seconds away from taking the piss or laughing openly in Bruce’s face.

Best Strictly Dancing Moment : That paso doble, where she finally threw caution to the wind and the gauntlet down to the other contestants, before deciding the very next week she wasn’t really that bothered anyway, and spending the entirety of her Argentine Tango sat on her arse.
Best Strictly Non-Dancing Moment : Rolling her eyes and snort-giggling at being in the Bottom 2.

16. Ricky Whittle – Series 7 : Runner-Up

What? His face is sweaty! Let’s be honest, for most of Series 7, Ricky Whittle was pretty dull. Natalie was struggling to find her feet choreographically, and there were too many other contestants melting down and having sex and being racist and having their knees explode and stuff. Which makes Series 7 sound a lot more exciting than it was, but the point really is that Ricky Whittle spent most of the series being blandly good in forgettable routines whilst getting no real screentime because he was too busy filming Hollyoaks at the other end of the country.He seemed well on course to be the black, male Emma Bunton, and then two things happened. First he did an amazing quickstep, justifying to an extent the judges faith in him…then seconds later switchbacked into one of the most lengthy trainwreck spin-outs in Strictly history, via a puny tango and a jerky jive, all culminating in a stint in a jail-cell for attempted vehicular assault. The resulting strain broke Ricky Whittle’s brain, prompting him both to produce some of the greatest dances in the history of Strictly in response to finding himself in the Bottom Two, and also turning him into a DELUSIONAL NUTCASE, the likes of which Craig Kelly can only dream of. Delivering that old Strictly sop “all my many many fans just thought I was safe, so really this means nothing, I’M STILL A STAR!” with more conviction than anybody else in Strictly history. Going into the final as the only person in the country who thought he could win. Actually petitioning the show to reveal the vote counts after the show, like a Digital Spy mental because he refused to believe that he lost to Hobbity Hollins fair and square. Ricky Whittle can currently be found in a tin-foil lined room muttering “…but his Charleston was RUBBISH. If they’d let ME Charleston, I would have been ten times better”.

Best Strictly Dancing Moment : That semi-final where he did an amazing waltz and a superb Argentine Tango and got two standing ovations, when they MEANT SOMETHING thank you very much Evil Moira Ross.

Best Strictly Non-Dancing Moment : His dad’s insistence on calling him “Richard”.

15. Colin Jackson – Series 3 : Runner-Up

So yes, you didn’t have to go a long time before finding out who the original Strictly Bot was. What? You thought it was Ramps? P’shaw. Colin Jackson could really do pretty much anything. Ballroom. Party Latin. Rumba. And not Bloke Rumba. ACTUAL rumba. Even Argentine Tango a little in that big group dance they all did, in which other Series 3 front-runner Zoe Ball flailed around like an imitation knock-off of Buckaroo! made entirely out of paper-clips and Blu-Tac. But I can’t remember one solitary thing that he did off the dancefloor. I think he mostly just grinned in a vaguely eerie fashion, whilst Erin rampaged around the backstage area, in the full grips of the show’s first instance of “I’ve Got A Ringer After A Run Of Duffers” Fever, casting daggers at all her rivals, and questioning all their marks with a brow more furrowed than Scott Maslen’s entire face. And that’s saying something. Such technical perfection sadly could not match up against the towering “personality” of Darren Gough – Dancing Wardrobe, and Colin was doomed by fate to finish second from the moment the competition started. So God bless Erin for piloting that plane RIGHT INTO the side of the cliff on purpose, choreographing that showdance in a vain attempt to prove to nobody in particular that she really had taught Colin to lead, HONEST, hint hint (*cough*unlikethatbitchLilia*cough*). Very little defines for me the final run of Strictly Series 3 more than Erin Boag marching out, head held high, dragging Colin and two creepy mannequins out after her, except maybe Ian Waite skidding out on his arse. Truly, she has softened with her hair.

Best Strictly Dancing Moment : His quickstep, which I think more than any dance in Strictly history really captures the spirit of old Hollywood.
Best Strictly Non-Dancing Moment : I can remember literally nothing, I am so sorry.

14. Dr Pamela Stephenson – Series 8 : 3rd place

I’m not saying that everyone who studies Psychology in-depth is doing so as some sort of displacement activity revolving around their own mental health issues. I’m saying that about everyone who specialises in “The Psychology of Sex”. Just so we can be specific about that. And certainly Dr Pamela Stephenson, not to use language that stigmatises in any way, was effing bonkers. Looning around the dancefloor, dropping names (mostly her husband’s repeatedly), doing prayer hands and fighting the battle for sex-crazed sexagenarians everywhere. Dr Hamela used her in-depth knowledge of sexy sexual chemistry, years of ringer practice teaching herself street dance in the barios of Rio De Janeiro, and also her sheer force of personality to shoulder-barge her way right into the final of Series 8, which was no mean feat given the standard of the competition on display. She also used all of the above to absolutely terrify the BESJESUS out of James Jordan. Let’s face it, he can promise he’s a “New Man” (every series, like clockwork) as much he likes, James is never going to be as likable as he was trying to wrangle Dr Hamela without losing a testicle to her wandering talons.

Best Strictly Dancing Moment : The Viennese Waltz. Both the dance itself, and the moment of PURE HAM at the very end, as James ascended back to Dance Heaven and Pamela just stared off into space, heaved her bosom, and SIGHED.
Best Strictly Non-Dancing Moment : Releasing newspaper columns during the series in which she revealed IN DEPTH how she wanted to shag James and that Ola was jealous of her, and saying that her staying over Tina O’Brien (or whoever) had given her Survivor Guilt akin to those who had survived the Rwandan Genocide (or whatever).

13. Scott Maslen – Series 8 : 4th place

It’s no surprise that people don’t really remember Scott Maslen much at all, when the best dancers in Strictly history are discussed. Series 8 was so wide open that, from cast reveal to glitterball coronation, most of the cast were considered as a major favourite at some point or other. So it’s not shocking that Scott has been remaindered to the same bin as Tina O Brien and Jimi Mistry when the series is discussed. AND YET. Scott Maslen’s downfall from frontrunner to also-ran was probably the most compelling in Strictly history. For the first half of the series, he was the strongest male dancer, and you could make a decent argument for him being the strongest dancer overall. “Bookmakers leaks” had the series as a nip-and-tuck dogfight between him and Matt, he received the first 10s of the series, and in her choreography for his jive, Viennese Waltz, Tango and quickstep, Natalie showed that she did actually Get It, and that Ricky Whittle’s series had just been her teething troubles. And then, as suddenly as Scott had built his empire, it collapsed. Exhaustion, boredom, inability to find any more Dead Nan/Cute Kid/Last Day At Work cards to sustain his momentum…call it what you will, but two weeks after Scott’s triumphant door-slammin’ jive, Natalie was literally dragging him around the dancefloor by the throat. Which alone wouldn’t be enough to necessarily make the top 10, but it all brought Scott into a position where he was being beaten by GAVBOT. The ensuing rivalry is one of my favourite in Strictly history, with Scott trying really hard to look like he wasn’t at all bothered by the fact that he was now slumming it with the inventor of the world’s slowest rumba, competition wise, and Gavin loving every second of rubbing it in Scott’s face that he was now “worse than him”. Sure by the time the semi-finals rolled around Scott had made himself a complete irrelevance, but his hatemance with Gavin made even the worst of his last few weeks worthwhile. Yes, even “I’M NOT DOING SAMBA, IT’S GAY!”.

Best Strictly Dancing Moment : Being hauled around by Natalie in his jive, making a neat circle of Strictly Jive Tie-Related moments with St Jill’s Holy Jive of Series 2, blessed be its name.
Best Strictly Non-Dancing Moment : Arlene Phillips jumping up and down on his grave the moment he left, calling him the BIGGEST DISGRACE IN STRICTLY HISTORY or something for not being as good as she thought he should be, demonstrating yet again the tact, diplomacy and sensitivity that had got her canned as a judge 5 months earlier.

12. Sophie Ellis-Bextor – Series 11 : 4th place

If Natalie Gumede replicated the journey of Ricky Whittle but with added lunacy, then Sophie Ellis-Bextor retrod Louisa Lytton’ss arc (peaking in week 2, periodically refinding and relosing her form throughout, finishing a distant 4th) but with added geeky zing. Where Louisa was a surly sulky petulant teenager, skipping training to smoke behind the bike-sheds, Sophie was the type A Head Girl nerd, working her fingers to the bone on her homework, advocating for chastity, tastefulness and Christian Morals in dance in a far more charming way than Widdy ever did, and then giving herself occasional very middle-class free time to go vintage shopping or have a Hallowe’en sleepover with her mates or to record her new album with Brendan on tambourine. I think the moment I fell most in love with Sophie was when she appeared on Alan Carr and was even ahead of me on the Strictly gossip curve, confidently stating that Germany would be the next country to have same-sex couples on their version of the show. Superfans can so easily come across as needy, grasping and desperate to have their time on the show match up with some sort of predetermined image in their head, but Sophie seemed happy just to go with the flow and not sweat the small stuff, and she has apparently been rewarded by a genuine upturn in her music career as a result. READ IT AND WEEP, RACHBOT.

Best Strictly Dancing Moment : Her Charleston ba’duh. The fact that she didn’t get to reprise it in the final still burns.
Best Strictly Non-Dancing Moment: “I’M 34 BRENDAN!”

11. Zoe Ball – Series 3 : 3rd place

You can forget your SPORTSMEN and pop tartlets trying to desperately scrape a comeback, nobody, but NOBODY in the history of Strictly Come Dancing worked harder than Zoe Ball. She put in 1,782 hours training in total, FACT. She sacrificed her first-born child to the Strictly Gods, FACT. She gave off teacher’s pet try-hard vibes so pungently that in the quarter-finals half of the front row had to be given oxygen treatment, FACT. Jon Culshaw’s face still droops on one side. But let’s face it, in the gynaephobic atmosphere of Series 3, a girl needed to work hard for the money, and Lord knows Zoe was ready to go that extra mile. And the judges were more than happy to help. Top of the leaderboard 7 weeks out of 10, 2nd twice, and 3rd once. She scored 35 IN WEEK 1. And 80% of the time those scores were well deserved, as Zoe’s lanky pipe-cleaner frame proved deceptively versatile, as she mastered most of the show’s dances (apart from jive, obviously, as she is quite tall). Fortunately, her relationship with Ian kept her likable and relatable through the worst excesses of her grade-grubbing, and she has at least been kept in the hearts of the show’s fanbase sufficiently that she was judged suitable to take over from Claudia on It Takes Two, the jewel in Strictly’s knackered old presenting crown. Last time I did this ranking I took two places off her because It Takes Two was borderline unwatchable in 2012. But last year they airlocked Julien off to the main show, and Zoe used her position as host to both righteously question some pros choreographical choices, and also to “accidentally” broadcast her lust for Ashley Taylor Dawson, so she can have them back again.

Best Strictly Dancing Moment : Either her tango, because it was fierce, or her samba, just for being an actual good samba.
Best Strictly Non-Dancing Moment : “WHAT THE FECK IS THIS SHITTY MUSIC IAN, IT SOUNDS LIKE CIRCUS MUSIC! I HATE IT! ARE YOU GOING TO DRESS ME AS A CLOOOOOOOOOOWN?”

10. Julian Clary – Series 2 : 3rd place

Yes, I know it’s a dinky picture, but I also know that you can’t get enough of Auld Erin. Anyway, these days Strictly contestants have “been on a journey” if they get through the opening group number without pooing themselves. The bar on emotional development has been set so low that people like Natalie Cassidy and Robbie Savage can bunny-hop over it, by accident. Back in the OLD DAYS though, you had to work for your Journey badge. Julian Clary overcame crippling panic attacks (ACTUAL panic attacks, not deliberately hyperventilating into your own hands because you’re worried you’ll look a bit silly) and clawed his way all the way to the final, knocking out hunks, housewives favourites, soap fitties, beloved charity campaigners and…well, Carol Vorderman. Not ALL the battles can be tough ones after all. Julian Clary was the show’s very first “comedy contestant” (no, Christopher Parker was not a comedy contestant, he was just crap) and still to ths day I think the one who best married the ideas of making the audience laugh with actually learning how to dance. These days you don’t really need to do the latter – just get fired out of a cannon/swung around in a harness like the world’s saggiest conker. But Julian, guided, and periodically whipped by Erin, palpably wanted to improve and impress at the same time as he was making crude jokes about his maracas. Their relationship was probably the most perfectly refined and crystalised version of the Strictly “Gay Best Friend” phenomenon, later replicated by such luminaries as Russell & Flavia, Erin & Richard, Robin & Anita, and Darren Bennett & Everyone. Did those friendships involve a dog? NO, NO THEY DID NOT.

Best Strictly Dancing Moment : His showdance, probably the funniest dance in Strictly history that was supposed to be.
Best Strictly Non-Dancing Moment : Either telling Kerplunk that her dress was hideous or calling Craig a silly old queen. Take your pick.

9. Natalie Gumede – Series 11 : 3rd place

So basically, not to be racist or nuffing, you can take most of Ricky Whittle’s Strictly journey arc and apply it to Natalie Gumede. Both of them were obviously the most naturally talented dancers of their series by some distance. Both of them spent most of the series not living up to this potential via a mix of dull choreography and physical fatigue. Both of them were safe for most of the series before their vote started wibbling towards the end. Both of them suddenly made a spurt for brilliance at the last minute, hauling out genuinely brilliant dances starting somewhere around the semi-final. Both of them were the obligatory cold/smug/arrogant/full of themselves whipping boy of their series. But Natalie Gumede is a whole seven places higher in this countdown because whilst Ricky Whittle’s latent madness only showed itself after the series was finished, Natalie wore that shit on her sleeve from the off. Constant inappropriate laughing, random bread munching, hysterical fainting, Cha Cha Rasputin, periodic bouts of luvviedom in excelsis (considering that she’s a minor soap actress) and, of course, best of all TOUCHING THE DIVINE. Watching her gracefully perfectly stumble weepy-eyed punch-drunk around the dancefloor before HURLING herself bodily at Artem (and who can blame her am i rite ladies?) was the perfect capper for the Strictly Year Of The Woman and the powers of estrogen therein. And then she claimed that Jesus made her do it.

Best Strictly Dancing Moment : TOUCHING THE DIVINE!
Best Strictly Non-Dancing Moment : Her talking about how she TOUCHED THE DIVINE! (Yelling “you’re a vegetable!” in Artem’s face would have won this segment, but it was technically speaking during a dance) (LOL not really. TOUCHING THE DIVINE!)

8. Chelsee Healey – Series 9 : Runner-Up

If there’s one thing you could never accuse Chelsee Healey of being, it’s dull. Bursting onto Strictly with a profile shot more akin to the Cowardly Lion than a human being, with bad plastic surgery, a thick Northern accent, and a history of falling out of nightclubs dressed in little more than her pants. In short, she was everything that the show’s natural audience fears, particularly the segment that votes for nice young men and can see no reason why Anton SHOULDN’T take over from Bruce. I mean…he’s just so charming, right? Anyway, everyone had Chelsee pegged as a Tina O’Brieny early boot, anchored down by an unknown new dancer. And then MAGIC happened. Sort of. After a fashion. In that Chelsee stomped all the way to the final without even a sniff of the Bottom 2. Somewhere along the way she won Middle England over. Whether she did this via her mostly strong dancing, her abdundant charm, or if Pasha had something to do with it (hint : somewhat this) I don’t think anyone has ever beat such an obviously bad early beat to get all the way to the final, and sort of look like they might win. Who cares if we had to suffer 500 “My Fair Lady” VTs and that unfortunate booby incident to get there, Chelsee had one of this show’s very few genuine Cinderella stories, and for that she is my number 8.

Best Strictly Dancing Moment : That quickstep, which Quickstep King Ian Waite had been dogging all week, which turned out to be AMAZING.
Best Strictly Non-Dancing Moment : Any time Bruce did an ugly Northern stereotype voice and she looked like she wanted to nut him.

7. Matt DiAngelo – Series 5 : Runner-Up

I’m just saying, supremely awkward cast photos are always a Strictly favourite. Anyway, Alesha Dixon, for all her girlish giggling(/mannish hooting) was clearly always a very controlled dancer. Kelly Brook was supremely self-confident, and Gabby Logan was a Being In Total Control Of Herself. Gethin Jones was always a perfectly presented gentleman. Which left it up to Matt DiAngelo to provide the chaos to the field of contenders in Series 5. And provide it he did, charging around the dancefloor full of hormones, tripping over his own feet,often resembling the Andrex puppy more than a dancer. Let’s just say if he’d come out for his quickstep trailing an entire bog-roll behind him, I wouldn’t have been surprised. Week after week with Matt you never really knew what you were going to get – a salsa to burn the audience’s faces half-off or a nice sit down at the end of a dance half forgotten. Flavia producing great male rumba choregraphy, or an off-offBroadyway sub David Copperfield paso doble. That showdance where they were practically screwing in the middle of the dancefloor, or an Argentine Tango that was oddly lacking in chemistry. Perfect waltz or shitty samba. Arlene giving him a standing ovation, or Arlene snarling “I DIDN’T MEAN TO HURT YOU!” like a b-grade Buffy The Vampire Slayer villain. One of the most exciting elements of Strictly is on those rare occasions when you genuinely don’t know before a dance starts whether it’s going to be amazing or awful. With Matt Di Angelo, you got that every single week.

Best Strictly Dancing Moment : His salsa. DEM HIPS.
Best Strictly Non-Dancing Moment : Hello. Also his and Flavia’s SWAN CHAT, from an era when they just pretended the choreography was a load of conceptual post-modern bollocks for a joke Aliona.

6. Kelly Brook – Series 5 : 6th place

So now that we’re at the top end of the poll, I think it’s safe to say that we’re amongst the Strictly contestants who best represent their archetype on the show. I’d say everyone in the top…11 or so has a case for being the most emblematic of their particular Strictly niche. And nobody, but NOBODY represented Strictly villainy better than Kelly Brook. She swept in, with her Hollywood merk…boyfriend plonked in the front row, every single show, and refused to speak to any of the other contestants. She spent every week on the show dressed in an outfit wedged so far up her ass she could probably floss her kidneys with it. She found herself HILARIOUS, laughing manically at every joke she made or insult she found herself on the end of. She drove Brendan like a slave, making him choreograph routines that broke the rules and usually ended with her slapping the shit out of him, all whilst he gazed at her in mute awe at her beauty. She openly called out Alesha’s Holy Nans constant appearances as being desperate pandering that she personally found distasteful *sniff*. If Stephanie Beacham were Kelly Brook’s mother she’d tell her to limit herself to one flash a day, and make it a good one. And thank goodness, on top of all that, Kelly Brook could dance. There has never been someone in the history of the show so simultaneously fun to watch and also to root against, and she’s the rare villain whose absence made the end of her series more tense as all the fanbases fell on one another fighting the second she left, whereas before they’d all been united in bafflement at what the daft mare would say next. Really, in this way, she was the Widdy of her day. Except with better tits. For some reason on her stint on the Strictly Live Tour the Powers That Be decided to partner her with Matthew Cutler for some reason. There has never been a more baffling decision, not even when they fired Hayley Holt! (those bastards). Kelly was made for Brenda, and Brenda for her.

Best Strictly Dancing Moment : That American Smooth, where she looked BEAUTIFUL, danced immaculately and classily, and then did a MASSIVE and obvious illegal lift at the end, grinning down the camera, all but yelling “YES, I’M CHEATING BITCHES! WHAT YOU GONNA DO ABOUT IT? Bruno jizzed in his pants.
Best Strictly Non-Dancing Moment : When she spent an entire episode of It Takes Two squealing about she was about to strike a blow for femineminism by doing caping. With a pink sparkly cape. With rhinestones on it.

5. Mark Ramprakash – Series 4 : Winner

Time has only helped Ramps’ legacy as a Strictly winner. Nowadays, age and maturity is turned on its head, and the older the contestant is, the more immature/oversexed/rampantly sexually inappropriate they are. Time was when an Esther Rantzen Rantzen would cringe their way awkwardly through a sexy dance. Now you’ve got Dr Hamela thrusting her vagina at Len’s face in a rumba, and Jason Donovan having a cry-wank whilst sniffing Kristina’s hair mid-Argentine Tango. Not that Ramps was their vintage, but he was rapidly approaching 40, notoriously a blissed out and mellow cricketer, winnowing out the end of his career in an Indian summer of talent. A force of MATURE SEXUALITY, brooding in the tango, gentlemanly in the waltz, and wanton in the salsa ; if Ramps was a Strictly contestant today they might as well shut down the 50 Shades Of Grey set, because NO BRITISH HOUSEWIFE would have accepted any other casting. Jared Leto? Ian Sommelier? Michael Fasspenis? FORGET IT. Ramps magic hips held the nation’s ovary voters captive like no parts of the male anatomy had before, or ever will ever again. He was also paired with Karen Hardy, at her most gurning, neurotic and OTT, and that’s always been my favourite flavour of Karen Hardy. I almost wish that Bruce HAD tried to veto her attempt to restart that salsa. They’d still be picking bits of him out of Tess Daly’s hair. I miss her so much. Finally, Mark’s Strictly legacy is improved simply by the fact that he clearly loves the show so darned much. At least three times a series he’ll be there, with his daughter, sat in the front row, and then Tess Daly will make the cameraman pan to him and he will pull THAT face. That face there. The “go away” face. Shy and diffident to the last.

Best Strictly Dancing Moment : That salsa, seized from the jaws of disaster.
Best Strictly Non-Dancing Moment : Every time Karen tried to get him to unlock his INNER SEX BEAST and he looked at her like she was talking Martian.

4. Kara Tointon – Series 8 : Winner

Kara Tointon pretty much bowled the perfect Strictly game. She won against a Nice Young Man, a Soap Hunk, and a Sportsman On A Journey, never having been in the Bottom 2. She was both a Judges Favourite and crowd-backed underdog (“BOO LEN BADMAN! LEAVE HER AMERICAN SMOOTH ALOOOOOOOOOOOONE!”). When it came to the final, every single member of the cast was rooting for her to win except Widdy. She got a hot Russian boyfriend (when her previous celebrity conquests were Joe Swash and the ugliest member of Busted), a career boost (look the film of The Sweeney MIGHT not have been shit, theoretically, SHE’S FINE) and brought public attention to a much maligned learning disability which is her pet cause. She fell foul of Craig’s persnicketiness and still triumphantly topped the leaderboard. She did a shitty showdance, just like all the best showdances are. She got a random Alesha 10. She had injury porn drama, both with herself and her dancing partner. She matched Alesha’s feat of never scoring below 30. She danced to a Bond theme, a piece of Authentic Argentine Tango piece, a musical theatre classic, a Queen song, and several wantonly inappropriate pieces of modern pop music. She looked alternately beautifully turned out (that rumba) and like her make-up had been done with a black marker pen (that tango!). She was underrated (that Charleston!), overrated (that waltz that she did with her arm hanging out its socket, for which she scored 38!), and rightly revered (that Viennese Waltz!). She fell on her arse to Enrique Iglesias dressed as a Happy Shopper dominatrix. She WAS STRICTLY COME DANCING.

Best Strictly Dancing Moment : Take your pick. For me, nothing got me fanning harder than that Tango.
Best Strictly Non-Dancing Moment : Rushing backstage, breathless in curlers as Artem hemmorhaged from his main artery (/had stubbed his toe).

3. Austin Healey – Series 6 : “4th place”

WUZZ ROBBED.

Best Strictly Dancing Moment : The one two punch of that waltz followed by that jive. Nobody has ever come out of the gates harder.
Best Strictly Non-Dancing Moment : The MISERABLE RAGE on Erin’s face during the It Takes Two after they were eliminated. You can actually see the moment her heart breaks in two.

2. Alesha Dixon – Series 5 : Winner

Ugh. Drinking alcohol in public. Such GUTTER ITV BEHAVIOUR, don’t you think viewers?

Well…that was Craig’s opinion (hint : wrong, it was AMAZING), but we are here to judge Alesha only as a contestant, not as a judge/commentator/clothes-horse/alcoholic. And Alesha’s run through Series 5 is the stuff of legend. Really, each reincarnation of the Strictly Holy Dancing Goddess represents the era she ushers in. Jill classically trained, refined, competitive. Kara polished, youthful and romantic. And Alesha? Sloppy, controversial, hilarious and over-extended. At least off the dancefloor. On the dancefloor Alesha was always on her best behaviour, whether it be delightfully tripping around the dancefloor in her quickstep or REACHING OUT in her salsa, Alesha could more or less do anything, as was reflected by the fact that she still holds the record for the highest average score of any Strictly winner. At least…she did the last time I checked anyway. Somebody get on fact-checking that please. Off it? She was…well, off it. Eternally giggling/snorting/cackling/grunting away like a pig snuffling up truffles, pimping out her nans, waxing emotion about “Her Shit Year” (SCREW YOU HARVEY! AND YOU JAVINE, YOU SLAG!). Infamously turning up for the final still hungover from the night before (oh I hope that’s not an urban legend). Alesha was that rare Strictly contestant who was both a really good dancer and also really relatable. I always think it’s vaguely creepy when people say they’d really like to “go for a pint” with someone off the tv, in Alesha’s case I can’t help myself. We could get wankered and start yelling about how everything is rigged for hot guys. What a night.

Best Strictly Dancing Moment : The start of her cha cha. Kimberley Walsh wishes she was half as fierce.
Best Strictly Non-Dancing Moment: When Bruce called her the British Beyonce. HER FACE.

1. Denise Lewis – Series 2 : Runner-Up

Falling for a Strictly contestant is in many ways like every other love affair in someone’s life. Sometimes there’s a long, heartfelt but ultimately fruitless affair of passion like an Austin Healey. Sometimes a crazed, manic flurry of sputtering lust like a Gabby Logan. There are the partners who started off seeming normal, then turned out to have secretly contacted all your exs and told them that THEY WILL GET CUT IF THEY TEXT YOU AGAIN, like Dr Hamela Stephenson. There’s the shameful one-off fumbles in the cupboard with Paul Daniels. There’s the time you burst out laughing as soon as you see their “O face”, like with Carol Vorderman. And defying description there’s Nancy Dell’Olio. But above all else, you never forget your first. And Denise Lewis was my first. Statuesque, powerful, deadpan, competitive, eternally doomed Midlands Icon Denise Lewis. I punched the air after her tango, I laughed my arse off at her ratty jive afro-weave, I watched a-gog at her samba abs, and I don’t know that I’ve ever been more enraptured at this show than by her quickstep. Other contestants have come and other contestants have gone, but Denise Lewis will always be my Strictly hero, and I now give you advance notice that I will stan for her on any All-Stars series over all of your favourites. Also a shout-out must go to Ian, who was adorably bashfully camera-shy at the same time as being the campy and competitive Ian of later series. In a Strictly era where pros on-show personalities are consistently one-note (“I’m Italian!”, “My partner is crap at dancing HEE HEE!”, “I’m Russian and ANGRY!”, “I’m Russian and HAPPY!”, “I will slut for custard”, “I’m constantly a changed man from the last series when I was a changed man from the changed man I was the series before”, “I THINK EVERYTHING’S AMOYZING!”, “I am from Grimsby”) it was a delightfully complex combination.

Best Strictly Dancing Moment : The paso doble. The most Denisey of all Denise’s dances.
Best Strictly Non-Dancing Moment : When she won, in my head, and punched Jill Halfpenny out.

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4 thoughts on “Monkseal’s Top 60 Strictly Contestants Of All Time 2015

  1. camis71

    Thank you for posting Michael & Natalie’s jive again – it is never not worth watching! Although I do feel it improves even further when he wheels her over to the judges in the wheelbarrow…

    Stephanie was also brilliant for somehow managing to disappear from the girls’ group dance once she had done her spotlight segment.

    The new version of Wuthering Heights is genius – Kate Bush should be informed immediately.

    Looking forward to further updates

    Reply
  2. missfrankiecat

    Enjoyed as much as ever. Great photos include Brenda defending his livestock from cobra Snowden, Grumpy Cat Jake and Spiffing Head Girl Sophie.

    Reply
  3. Patrick

    I feel like I have missed out, having not known about / read about anything related to Harry McFly getting sodomised by a truck driver. Salacious.

    Reply
    1. monkseal Post author

      Just make it up yourself, I imagine the people who spread the rumours in the first place were.

      Reply

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