How I wish *I* had ShakesQueer’s way with words…
1. The episode commenced with Kennedy and Jasmine retreating into the corner of the workroom to talk smack about all the pretty young white girls in the cast who “all look alike, are the same height, and weigh 2lbs”. Never mind the dubiousness of shading people for being the same height as one another (?!?!), Jasmine then decided to compound things by coming for Violet specifically for being horse-faced.
Hmmm. The sad thing is that Jasmine felt like attacking Aryan Airlines immediately after her own team won and she put forth her best (SPOILERS : /only good) performance of the series. Girl, why not luxuriate in your victory, rather than pegging other people for irrelevant shit like being skinny? Personally though, as much as Jasmine’s descent from rainbow-shitting giggling enthusiast to dour bitchy malcontent bragging about how she was going to throw the lip-sync in order to go home in the space of only three episodes, I’ve decided that actually I blame Kennedy. There is some bitter lemonade under that southern sweet-tea exterior and I have a feeling we’ll see it slowly emerge over the time she has left on the show.
2. This week’s Gratuitous Pit Crew Shot
also features Ru artfully reclining on a mobility scooter, as the theme for the Mini-Challenge this week was “Old Lady Disco Shakedown”. Contestants had to hastily and sloppily pull together their best old-lady outfits and hobble inelegantly around the stage, propped up by younger men. What a shame Tempest was eliminated – she would have aced this one. The winners were Max, with a very Max and very stylish use of mirrorball themed glasses, and Kennedy for…I don’t know, really. Padding her ass out so ludicrously that it made Kim Kardashian’s derriere look like Shrove Tuesday (PANCAAAAAAAAAKES!)? Personally I would have given the second half of the victory to Jasmine Masters just because of her inspired use of
bread. No, seriously, who hasn’t seen some old raver out clutching her bag, her scarf, her dinner, and a spare wig? Maybe just in East London I guess. (Apparently, according to an interview from Ginger, Jasmine brought three suitcases with her to RuPauls Drag Race, and two of them were full of food, including meat and an entire jumbo sized bottle of Hot Sauce) (I really do think Jasmine had more to give in a reality where she didn’t become incredibly stank on day…4?). Jasmine ALSO perfectly demontrated the type of dancing favoured by this particular type of clubgoer – the “I will flail my limbs until you move, yes all of them”. Still, as we will learn Kennedy and Jasmine are basically now two cheeks of the same butthole, so I doubt it would have made any difference if Jasmine had taken the reins for the Main Challenge. Oh and this challenge also featured cameos from
Tammie Brown and
the thing you see before you die.
3. Speaking of cameos
OH MY GOD, ALYSSA’S BACK!
4. The main challenge this week was themed around Shakespeare who, according to Ru, invented the word “drag”. I’d just like to point out, for those of you who get your entire education from watching reality tv shows where the elimination mechanic is who can pretend to sing a Kylie Minogue album track the best, that this isn’t true, given that the earliest use of the word drag dates to the late 19th century when, as we all know, Shakspeare was on Skylab then and didn’t have time to write plays or coin words. As team captains, Max and Kennedy were allowed to schoolyard pick teams for abbreviated drag-themed productions of Romeo & Juliet (Romy & Juliet) and MacBeth (MacBitch), with Max carefully hand-selecting the queens with the most theatrical experience, and Kennedy picking Jasmine because they’re mates and then shutting her eyes and pointing. This meant that she wound up with Pearl a queen who a) doesn’t even know what Shakespeare play “MacBitch” might be a parody of and b) when told, said “MACBETH?” out loud IN A THEATRE (/on a backlot in LA), thus dooming her team to failure from the off. Still Pearl provided less of a stumbling block than a constantly bickering Jasmine and Violet, who were given the two main parts (?) and then swapped them halfway through rehearsals (which only lasted for an hour) because they couldn’t perform them properly. Partly this was because neither Jasmine or Violet (particularly Jasmine it has to be said) are really actors outsie of lip-sync’ing, and partly because Kennedy decided to indulge in a bold piece of counter-casting where the ripped black guy played the snotty rich valley girl (Lady MacBitch) and the snotty rich fashion queen played the ghetto princess (LaQuisha MacBitch). KENNEDY, YOU’VE GOT AN HOUR, JUST HAVE EVERYONE BE A STEREOTYPE AND HAVE DONE WITH IT. OR cast Katya as Lady MacBitch in the first place, which is what we all wanted. Meanwhile on Team Max…there was no drama pre-performance whatsoever and everyone got along great woo!
5. Fortunately for everyone’s interest in the episode, this state was not to last, as Jaidynn staged (and I use the word advisedly) a
pier-6 meltdown right in the middle of the filming of Romy & Juliet, over forgetting one of her lines (seriously, you should have seen the other guys Jaidynn, this was nothing). Fortunately Max was there to swoop in as team leader and tell her that she was a fierce performer and that she believed in her and also gently touch her face and give us all feelings about how maybe we would like Max to talk to us sometime after an evening of theatre and boxed wine.
*sigh* Anyway, Jaidynn was then (*surprise*) totally fine and turned out a weave-patting, tongue-clicking performance as Mercutia that even managed to eclipse
Mrs Kasha Davis (as Lady Capulet/Cappucino/Sharon Osbourne)’s array of tried and tested butch queen faces. On the one hand, Jaidynn’s transparent attempts to snatch that Dida/Joslyn “adorably inept end-gamer” crown are so forced and so phony but on the other…I love her, so I don’t care. Take THAT Trixie Matell. Otherwise “Romy & Juliet” was a solid 3.5 star performance, mostly enlivened by
Juliet being 7ft tall and Romy being played as you’d normally play Nurse. Despite Mrs K’s clucking that she thought Jaiddyn may have cost the team the win via meltdown (have you watched this show before Mrs K?), it was pretty obvious Team Kennedy was going down even before they stepped onto the stage.
6. A short litany of Team Kennedy’s on-set fuck-ups : Pearl’s butch queen cheerleading coach voice being so deep that everyone spontaneously voided their bowels ; Kennedy and Kandy (yes, she’s still here) missing their cue ; Kennedy forgetting her lines ; Kennedy’s costume falling off ; Jasmine forgetting her lines ; Jasmine forgetting her lines ;
Jasmine forgetting her lines ; Jasmine getting her lines wrong ; Jasmine forgetting her lines ; Jasmine forgetting her lines ; Jasmine forgetting her lines ; Jasmine forgetting her lines ; Jasmine forgetting her lines ; Pearl headbutting the set ; Pearl walking into a tree ; Jasmine tripping over her own skirt. And trust me, of those screw-ups, Pearl’s were the only ones that were even remotely endearing (as was her post challenge lament of “someone give me a puppy, I want to die”) (Pearl <3).
Bless. This utter farrago prompted a patented “Season 1 Reunion” rant from RuPaul, both during filming of the piece and then later during judges, complete with “NO MORE EXCUSES!” and “THIS IS THE WORST TRAINWRECK I HAVE SEEN IN SEVEN SEASONS OF THIS SHOW!” (what, worse than Joslyn asking Cher’s Mom about abortions? Worse than Season 4’s Snatch Game? Worse than that time you decided Kenya Michaels should be brought back?). Seeing Team Kennedy’s finished product though, you could see her point. Productions on this show may have been bad before but none were quite this…incoherent. If you asked me which Shakespeare play the performance was supposed to represent, I would have had to tell you I thought it was a bunch of Coriolanus.
7. This week’s backstage drama mostly revolved the formation of a clique of the older queens (Kennedy, Jasmine, Mrs K, Ginger) who got together than gabbed about how immature and inexperienced and nebulous the younger queens were, and how they have to go through stuff in their life before they know who they really are and what their drag character is. On the one hand they do have a point – I’m sure we all remember in seasons past when queens like Alaska and Adore turned up with nonsensical juvenile character schtick (“I’M A ROBOT FROM THE PLANET GLAMTRONIA!” or “I’M A MERMAID!”) that clearly isn’t going to last 5 minutes on the show, let alone in real life. On the other hand watching Ginger (aged 30) coming for Miss Fame (aged 29, AND THE REST) over life experience and describing herself as a “bitter old lady” is kind of tragic to me. And not just because I’m on the verge of turning 30 myself. The other part is because she was doing this whilst Jasmine was made-up
like the end of Live And Let Die. Way to make yourself look Claymation. Anyway, Ginger had this whole story about how she performed in drag for some woman who had cancer a bunch of times and that makes her a better person and well done her, I guess (*applause*). Mostly I hope this clique is a fly-by-night thing and neither Ginger or Mrs K become Kennedy’s next best friend/mentee/victim BECAUSE THEY DESERVE BETTER.
8. This week’s Runway Show was on the theme on “Bearded Ladies”, which apparently brought a whole load of Milk fans (*shudder*) out of the swamp to whinge “ZOMG HOW DARE THEY WHEN THEY ALL READ MILK FOR FILTH FOR WEARING A BEARD AND NOW THEY’RE RIPPING HIM OFF!??!?”.
a) It was SANTINO who criticised him, so no1 curr
b) They’re ripping off Conchita Wurst dears – the Eurovision winner – not Milk – the mediocre ice-dancer and 9th place reality show contestant
c) Milk sucked
Can you imagine Milk being that fierce, no you cannot. Max, Trixie (as a Baroque bearded angel), Katya (as Abraham Lincoln),
Miss Fame (as Harlequin), Violet (as a Dior Bee Gee) and Pearl (as Him from The Powerpuff Girls) all looked amazing, Ginger looked like a garden gnome
which kind of worked for her, Mrs K took a Cruella De Vil costume and just stuck a beard on it, which kind of didn’t, and Kennedy
stuck some old pubes to her face oh dear. The worst though was sadly Jasmine, who smeared boot-polish all over her chin and hoped that her gown, which she declared the greatest ever in RuPauls Drag Race history, so great that Ru would declare her safe on the spot upon witnessing it (…), would make up for it. In reality it looked a bit like something that you’d see in The Witches Of Eastwick 2 : Back On The Broomstick. Props must also (reluctantly) go to Kandy Ho, whose beard was so elborate and so Fu Manchu that you couldn’t see her mouth move through, and so spent the rest of the episode looking like she was dubbing dubbed directly from the Chinese.
9. After a judging process overseen by the Gods and Melb, in which Katya was praised for being consistant (LOL AFTER LAST WEEK MICHELLE, DO YOU THINK WE HAVE THE MEMORIES OF GOLDFISH?), Pearl was told to WAKE UP, and Kandy was praised for finally getting her beard right, the bottom 2 of Jasmine (complete mess) and Kennedy (awful team leader) was obvious. The bar has been set high in Drag Race herstory by Raven vs Jujubee and Yara vs Alexis for Best Friend Face-Off lip-syncs and it’s safe to say that Kennedy vs Jasmine was so far off clearing it that they might as well not have bothered. Jasmine did jumping squats and Kennedy spun and spun and spun and then stayed. It’s a shame Jasmine left on such a low note (it didn’t help that the usual hater-trawl through the Internet for everything bad a disliked contestant has ever said this week turned up some really unpleasant transphobia which…oh dear) as based on episode 1 she had the potential to be a delightful random but…there are far worse losses that could have been had from this cast.
10. Meanwhile, on Untucked :
- A really really really really long argument between Kennedy and Violet as to whether it would have been better to rehearse MacBitch as a grop or individually which was really boring and made them both look kind of gougey
- Miss Fame thought she should have won the challenge. Mmm hmmm.
- Jaidynn’s repeated yelling of “COME ON…(x)”, copying Alaska copying Laganja, still hasn’t got old for me, I’m sorry.
- It has however, for Mrs Kasha Davies.
- Max and Trixie went to school together apparently – Trixie graduated, whilst Max was a dropout.
- Ginger needs to realise that “I thought you were going to be crap but ACTUALLY you were really good!” only sounds like a compliment the first 500 times, after which it sounds like negging.
- Kennedy’s tuck was so tight she could feel her heartbeat in her cooch
- Max has identified that Miss Fame has a more positive attitude than Violet WELL SPOTTED
- Miss Fame has identified that Violet thinks she’s better than she is WELL SPOTTED
- Jasmine claimed that if she was in the lip sync with Kennedy she was just going to stand there and do nothing
- This claim proved to be as true as it was every other time a queen has said it.
- Beard-glue on your chin feels a lot like sticking your face into a vagina. Thanks for that Mrs K.
- Kennedy thinks that Miss Fame talks a lot of bullshit!
- JOKE! Don’t be offended Miss Fame. That’s just a joke that Kennedy made up on the grounds that whenever Miss Fame opens her mouth she talks bullshit.
- I guess you just had to be there…
- Trixie and Mrs K both have a crush on
this member of the crew.
- Violet thought Melb was going to be sweet and nice.