Just in time for it to start in May or whenever.
Santino’s gone! Merle’s back (for one episode)! Him from Queer Eye and some guy from some thing are new permanent judges! They’ve put the whole show back a month just so Michelle could make friends with Katie Hopkins and some girl from Ex On The Beach and try to launch some abortion of a UK spin-off! JOHN WATERS IS A GUEST JUDGE! The online marketing of this season will be the worst you’ve ever seen! These and many other (and probably many more because it’s still two weeks until the thing finally limps on-air) exciting announcements have been made about the 7th edition of RuPaul’s Drag Race, but no amount of announcements mean anything unless we’ve got an amazing cast, so let’s rank them based on first impressions in a way that will end up being hideously embarassing for all concerned in three months time!
14. Tempest DuJour – 47 (Tucson)
Tempest is the oldest queen ever in the history of the show. Yes older than Milan, older than Vivacious, older even than All-Stars Chad Michaels dropping non-stop references to The Hunger Games whilst sipping a banana daiquIri. ALL of those years however have been spent in the theatre, as you can tell from her immaculate dress-sense, structured hair, and habit of delivering everything she says by Working Her Mouth to the back row in an arch voice like she’s just plopped in from a Restoration Comedy. Tempest showed her brand of exciting, original, and jaw-dropping humour most adroitly in the super-trailer where it was revealed that upon her entrance to the workroom, a baby doll drops from between her legs…just like happened in the ballet challenge two seasons ago. I CAN’T WAIT TO SEE WHAT SHE’LL COME UP WITH NEXT.
13. Jasmine Masters – 37 (Los Angeles)
I don’t think she’s ready. I don’t think she’s ever going to be ready. Tall, gummy, lantern-jawed, giving me “the African-American Frances De La Tour” with her mug, and wearing…what are those, glittery doorknobs as ear-rings? She’s going to get rinsed. And I know it’s hard to come up with funny answers to tricky questions on the spot, but you should probably go into a Meet The Queens video expecting to have to answer “what would your dream Lip Sync For Your Life song be?”. And then come up with something better than “Queen Of The Night”. After half an hour of dead air. She’s only not last because she’s repping for Beyonce and it’s always nice when someone respects artistry.
12. Kandy Ho – 28 (Cayey,Puerto Rico)
Kandy because she’s sweet, Ho because she digs up your lawn (WHAT, BIANCA’S VICTORY FREED US ALL UP TO MAKE OFFENSIVE JOKES ABOUT HISPANICS!), Kandy’s introduction video was probably the most purely boring of the bunch, in that she said nothing interesting at all, but I do quite like her aesthetic. By which I mean her dirty dirty roots. Like someone dragged a paintbrush right down the middle of that weave. Werk.
11. Trixie Mattel – 26 (Milwaukee)
BAR(BIE) QUEEN! I mean, I get that the whole point of her look is that the make-up is supposed to be awful and off-putting and I get that to an extent but…that was also Magnolia Crawford’s whole bit and I’m not sure what having six eyebrows is really supposed to say to me any more than having a nose like a fucking swordfish, other than huffing your own farts over how “unique” you are. I will say that I hope they take her up on having a lip-sync off to “Because I’m A Blonde” because it am amaze, and also that she seems like a nice person I guess.
10. Sasha Belle – 28 (Iowa City)
Looking like a forgotten mid-western Cusack cousin, Sasha would really like you to think that underneath her sweet exterior she’s a real hardcore ‘ornery bitch. I envisage her getting mollywhopped out in 11th place in a flood of tears, then writing a pissy letter about it that will be read out on Untucked three weeks later in which she misspells Jaidyen repeatedly. There is no greater clue to this inner weakness under her pretend inner strength than the fact that she’s a huge fan of Pixie Lott, and no greater shade to Pixie Lott than the fact that her other two big musical idols are Teena Marie and Natalie Cole. BLAZING UP ITUNES IN 1983!
9. Max – 22 (Minneapolis)
Max feels so much like the second coming of Milk that every inch of my body wants to resist it, but I know I have to be generous and give her the benefit of the doubt and she at least seems to have a better idea of what to do visually than ol’ Malk ever did, even if every single line is delivered in exactly the same “aren’t I kooky and retro???” timbre. I bet Max knows who Little Edie is, and can quote the entire fecking movie verbatim is what I’m saying. She’s also not nearly as hot out of drag as Melk, so probably won’t attract the same…verbal fanbase.
8. Miss Fame – 29 (New York)
Did everyone see that picture of Cindy Crawford having fun with slightly wrinkly looking skin that we’re all taking as an icon of REAL NATURAL UNTAMPERED BEAUTY even though it’s still Cindy Crawford who is a supermodel? Miss Fame feels like the photoshopped-to-shit end-result that actually got published. She is HARD-FACED. Also apparently the Courtney Act of this year, in that she’s got her own wikipedia page, she’s already succesful and everyone’s got her pencilled in the final 3 already before we’ve even so much as Snatch Game’d. She doesn’t really do a lot for me in person, but IF her Eve Harrington backstory (raised on a chicken farm, obsessed with fame, transformed herself into an ICON via backstabbing and connivery and raw talent damnit) translates itself into desperate be-taloned sharp-eyed reality on the show, as I hope it will, watch her shoot up much higher in the end-of series ranking. SHE’S ALREADY GOT UNFLATTERING DICK-PICZ OUT THERE, I CAN FEEL THE NOMI MALONE REALNESS.
7. Mrs Kasha Davis – 41 (Rochester)
Would be the oldest queen in the history of Drag Race if Tempest hadn’t been cast, and already giving interviews about what an awful lot of histrionic brats this year’s cast is (I CAN’T WAIT ❤ ❤ <3), to be honest Mrs Kasha Davis’ schtick is barely more funny than her fellow old hag’s but I respect her far more for having a much more keen marketing eye. She knows her ideal future (E! correspondant/appearances on Watch What Happens Live with Andy Cohen discussing the latest misadventures of Lisa Vanderpump) and she doesn’t care how many references to boxed wine and/or suburban desperation it takes to get there. Is being one of the shows more memorable first boots on the cards? Maybe…
6. Violet Chachki – 22 (Atlanta)
Take a look at Violet Chachki and digest the following facts :
- She likes the movie Bound
- She thinks Jennifer Tilly is sexy, raspy, dark and mysterious
- Her ideal guest judge would be Dita Von Teese
- She swears a lot for no real reason and to no real effect
- She just loves Phillipe Blond
- Her first drag performance was in a dive-bar in the sticks
- Her favourite queen from past seasons is Raja, because she’s a super-nice and genuine person and also a Gemini
- She is a Gemini
- She would like to lip-sync to a Fischerspooner remix of a Kylie Minogue track
- She’s a huge huge fan of Orange Is The New Black (she doesn’t specifically SAY Alex Voss in particular but…)
- When asked to think of three things she’d want if stranded on a desert island, she can only think of her phone.
Makes sense right? Welcome to 8th place you gorgeous filler you.
5. Ginger Minj – 29 (Orlando)
4. Jaidyen Diore Fierce – 25 (Nashville)
Hoping for Taystee, will settle for Black Cindy.
3. Kennedy Davenport – 33 (Dallas)
I have to admit, my hopes were not high for Kennedy Davenport’s sparkle, because Sahara was (rest her soul) a little dry herself, and Kennedy’s whole vibe in photos is so pageanty that it makes Sahara’s look like Mimi Imfurst in comparison (speaking of which, well done to Mimi for winning the Michelle Visage roast, look that up on the Youtube, she killed). And yet of all the queens intro videos (and I know that half of them would be DQ’d for being so schticky and forced) Kennedy was easily the most naturally funny and warm. And not just because her eyes kept on wandering off camera by mistake. Taking up two of her three desert island items with food AND seasoning to put on the food, saying her first celebrity crush was all sexy mayun because she does not pinpoint out sexiness, the wistful way she referred to “intimate time…” at the end of describing her perfect date. I’m not hoping for a win but she’s my early Miss Congeniality.
2. Katya Zamolodchikova – 31 (Boston)
Rewatching Series 8 of America’s Next Top Model has reminded me of my love for crudely-drawn Russian stereotypes (NATASHA <3) so I’m glad to see that noble tradition represented for the first time on RuPaul’s Drag Race, with a Taylor Dayne wig, powerful nail-game, and a 5-o-clock shadow to rival Willam’s. Even better for the fact that Katya doesn’t appear to bother so much with putting on a Russian accent. Crudely outlining how she’s here for the money, admitting to a strong crush on Eurotrash Icon Jean-Claude Van Damme, extoling the beauty virtues of MAYONNAISE AND LOTS OF IT, SMEARED ALL OVER YOUR BODAY, Katya is the only Season 7 queen that I pre-following on twitter before the series even begins and I hope she’s jut as jarring and unpleasant on the show as she is there.
1. Pearl – 23 (Brooklyn)
Pearl is so 80s punk it hurts. Straight out of Brooklyn with lightning-bolt ear-rings and cheap lace, looking like she’s just been removed from a night spent in a meat-freezer,and a snotty attitude, nobody else was ever going to be my favourite in a pre-show ranking. The entire cast hate her, she’s INCREDIBLY snotty throughout her entire pre-show interview, she doesn’t have a favourite Ru-Paul catchphrase because she thinks they’re all dumb, her icon is Nicole Paige Brookes because Nicole Paige Brookes IS PUNK ROCK AND DOESN’T GIVE A SHIT. I hope she causes workroom carnage the likes of which my last pre-series favourite (Laganja Estranja) could only dream of.