The Apprentice 10 – Monkies

Shorter but…probably not any sweeter.

Best Task (Nominees : Board Game Stuff, Coach Trip Stuff, Country Stuff, Nine Items Stuff)

Winner (42%)

Runner-Up : Nine Items Stuff (25%) :

If we’re not doing Shopping Channel regularly any more, then please can a biennial Coach Trip task be the replacement? It won this category in Series 6 as well, and and whilst the episode maybe didn’t quite scale the heights of FatTwatGate/The Rise Of Smug Cow/Knees Up Muvvah Brahn, the sight of a desperate Kaen scrabbling at the emergency exit window to try to escape the 14th round of One Man Went To Mow was almost as good. Combine Sanjay running the tour from hell with Tena City going to town on PM Daniel with baseball bats (made out of Puddin) and this being the break-out episode for Jemmangel, and it was always going to be a classic.

Smash Hits Sexiest Male (Nominees : James Hill, Mark Wright, Sanjay Sood-Smith, Solomon Akhtar)

Winner (52%)

Runner-Up : James Hill (18%)

Now how you do it Solomon, is that you wrap these around your neck, then grab both sides, fold over, pull the middle up, push it through, and then tug hard…

And that’s how you tie a tie.

Smash Hits Sexiest Female (Nominees : Jemma Bird, Lauren Riley, Puddin, Roisin Hogan)

Winner (56%)

Runner-Up : Jemma Bird (21%)

Obviously this isn’t really my area of interest or expertise, but I presume it’s because of the VOLOOMINUS HURR. Roisin, Dr Leah, Paula from Series 5, Nick Holzherr…if you want to get ahead in the Sexiest Stakes, get some BIG HURR. And also looking a bit like Abbey Clancy can’t hurt either, I guess.

Worst Candidate (Personality) (Nominees : Daniel Lassman, James Hill, Mark Wright, Sarah Dales)

Winner (48%)

Runner-Up : Sarah Dales (24%)

To quote Apprentice Icon Natasha Scribbles, “what an angry person”. For those of you interested in the long-running series-defining feud between Daniel and Mark, I’m sorry, I can’t tell you which of them finished third in this category. You’ll just have to wonder forever which of them finally won out, in this, the most important stage of The Apprentice. Is what I would be saying if more of you had voted for my bar Daniel, but Mark beat him by like 6% so SUCKS TO BE YOU MARK! YOU MAY HAVE £250,000, BUT MY READERS HATE DANIEL MARGINALLY LESS THAN YOU. SUCK IIIT.

Worst Candidate (Talent) (Nominees : James Hill, Lindsay Booth, Sarah Dales, Steven Uguolah)

Winner (64%)

Runner-Up : Lindsay Booth (14%)

Please be aware that a lot of voting in this category did take place before Sarah’s epoch-making Redemption Arc in the final. When she sold a thing. Theoretically. Really, if these polls had opened a few days later, it might have made all the difference. She might only have beaten her nearest rival by 40% or so.

Best Candidate (Personality) (Nominees : Felipe Alviar Baquero, Katie Bulmer Cooke, Roisin Hogan, Solomon Akhtar)

Winner (45%)

Runner-Up : Solomon Akhtar (19%)

Not even close here, as apparently the clang of the injustice (or whatever, I still say he was being a smart-arse) (although I might ask myself, if you didn’t like smart-arses, what are you doing here?) of Skeletonegate rings loudly in your ears, and Felipe will thanking you for rewarding Felipe with the award for Best Personality. Fans of adding up will notice how close it was between the other three nominees for second place…

Best Candidate (Talent) (Nominees : Bianca Miller, Katie Bulmer-Cooke, Mark Wright, Roisin Hogan

Winner (55%)

Runner-Up : Mark Wright (19%)

Roisin’s following in the footprints of Neil Clough continues here, as she picks up the same award he did last year. Although sadly Neil was of course robbed of Smash Hits Sexiest Female, so the comparisons aren’t exact. Roisin shone in creativity, branding, and most importantly, fluttering your eyelashes til a guy gives you a diamond. My kind of girl.

Best Nick or Kaen (Nominees : Kaen, Nick)

Winner (55%)

Runner-Up : Nick (45%)

When Margaret announced her retirement, you voted her winner in this category by 89% to 11%. When Nick announced his retirement…well, never mind.

Incidental Character Boyfriend : (Nominees : HOT COP, John Lewis, Oscar The Sleeping Tourist, Solomon The Candidate)

Winner (30%)

Runner-Up : Oscar The Sleeping Tourist (29%)

It comes to something when background randoms run someone closer for hotness than the people you’ve honest-to-God cast to be on a prime-tim reality show. Anyway, yes, Solomon In Week 1. So quiet, so background, just kind of hovering around the edges looking cute and not saying a lot. Things changed…so little over the course of the series didn’t they?

ANYWAY, GET MY TRIPOD WE’VE GOT A MOVIE TO MAKE. MR AKHTAR, I’M READY FOR MY CLOSE-UP.

(Next : oh alright, you’ve been good, I’ll rank the candidates. I can’t wait to find out what exciting things I can find to say about Robert or Lindsay or any of the other background randoms populating this series)

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