Strictly Come Dancing Monkies 2014

Get your tuxedos ready. It’s time.

Bullet Dodger Of The Year

This being the second outing for a new prize, inaugurated last year, marking the contribution of those contestants who make Strictly unpredictable. The cockroaches, the clingers-on, the “just one more week, it’s always been my dream to compete in Nordic Noir Week!”s. You predicted they’d leave, and then they somehow didn’t. The Bullet Dodger Of The Year 2014, taking the mantle away from Fiona Fullerton is…

This little one. Judy was leading for most of the series, but then there came those last few glorious weeks where Mark was repeatedly saved over dancers who were better and more likeable than him, just so he could do that awful Showdance. WHAT A GREAT SERIES AM I RITE?

  • 2nd – Judy Murray
  • 3rd – Simon Webbe
  • 4th – Scott Mills
  • 5th – Sunetra Sarker

Best Safety Sex-Face

Safety Sex-Face or Safety Hitler-Face? Whether your reason for picking Tim was his resemblance to a long dead dictator, or Natalie’s…erm…bounciness, he is this year’s champion gurner, and the choice of 48.3% of you to wear the crown. You know, to prevent babies. No glove, no love.

  • 2nd – Caroline & Pasha : 45.28%
  • 3rd – Frankie & Kevin : 23.9%
  • 4th – Simon & Kristina : 20.38%
  • 5th – Pixie & Trent : 15.35%

Best Judge

Please note, not the best judge at dancing. Let’s face it, unless he has another mad series like he did when he spat venom at Louis Smith and coddled Lisa Riley like his ikkle pet chihuahua, Craig has got this one in the bag. He got 58.97% of the vote, a tiny dip on last year, but still enough to win with ease over Bruno in second. The real story here is that, despite being a one-week guest judge whose inability to mark properly left him a running joke, Donny Osmond managed to beat two of the established panel. Makes you think.

  • 2nd – Bruno Tonioli : 30.27%
  • 3rd – Donny Osmond : 4.03%
  • 4th – Darcey Bussell : 3.59%
  • 5th – Len Goodman : 3.14%

Best Host

Claudia tearing up on the Blackpool NotHangover Week Performance Show was the most genuinely emotional moment of the entire series no? Anyway, even though her vote dipped in this series when she was understandably less present, and Zoe’s rose as she proved a more than adequate substitute, Claudia still wins this with 64.04% of the vote. Meanwhile, unfettered by Bruce and finally allowed to roam free on her own terms…Tess’s share of the vote actually went down. Woo.

  • 2nd – Zoe Ball : 33.55%
  • 3rd – Tess Daly : 2.41%

Best Use Of Staging/Props In A Celebrity Routine

Oh sure you all complain and whine about props during the series, but you know this routine wouldn’t have been the same without all the spices, the rogue fez and the backing dancers. And you know this because they tried to do it without them in the finale and it was a bit ropey. 76.07% of you had this Charleston as one of your picks, and yes, the most important thing about this is that I can say that, albeit tangentially, Gordana Whiddon is now officially a Monkie Award winner and I expect to see her in the pro line-up come July, EVIL MOIRA. Also, please note that Anton managed to get four routines in the top 11 here. What a showman.

  • 2nd – Frankie’s Tango : 59.64%
  • 3rd – Judy’s Viennese Waltz : 39.55%
  • 4th – Pixie’s Viennese Waltz : 33.16%
  • 5th – Pixie’s Foxtrot : 32.56%
  • 6th – Judy’s American Smooth : 28.91%
  • 7th – Alison’s Foxtrot : 27.69%
  • 8th – Judy’s Paso Doble : 24.34%
  • 9th= Jake’s Salsa : 23.73%
  • 9th= Tim’s Paso Doble : 23.73%
  • 11th – Judy’s Charleston
  • 12th – Scott’s Samsa
  • 13th – Scott’s Foxtrot
  • 14th – Caroline’s Jive
  • 15th – Steve’s Quickstep

Most BS Elimination

Unsurprisingly this category devolved into a war between this series’ three SHOCK BOOTS. In the end, it seems most of you decided that Pixie’s was the most egregious, as 86.13% of you thought it was ridiculous. Jake maybe had run his course ability-wise, and Thom cauldron of bubbling potential was left untapped (…unless you count that one photoshoot he did for Boyz Magazine) but you wanted MORE PIXIE LOTT damnit.

  • 2nd – Thom Evans : 51.61%
  • 3rd – Jake Wood : 31.94%
  • 4th= Alison Hammond : 6.13%
  • 4th= Sunetra Sarker : 6.13%

Best Week

Yes, for the second series in a row, Blackpool Week reigns supreme, with 49.16% of you having it as one of your favourites. Remember when they thought we’d really rather they went to the giant character-free aircraft hanger that is Wembley Arena instead? LOL. Elsewhere, I rather suspect the names I gave the non-theme week influenced the vote somewhat, as not even I can remember what would cause you to vote for Justice For Judy Week. A couple of decent sambas?

  • 2nd= Hallowe’en Week : 29.42%
  • 2nd= Blackpool NotHangover Week : 29.42%
  • 4th – The Final – 26.82%
  • 5th – Justice 4 Judy Week – 20.48%

Best Guest Performer

GOWWWWWWWWWWWDFINGAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! (Never mind Paloma. Maybe next year for the treble.) 56.99% of you followed my instructions well, and voted for the legend.

  • 2nd – Paloma Faith : 26.52%
  • 3rd – TONY GAGA! : 22.94%
  • 4th – OneRepublic : 19.71%
  • 5th – Take That : 17.92%

Best Pro/Group Routine

Kristina showing Hollywood they were wrong to cast Angelina Jolie ahead of her for the role of Maleficent here. DEAD WRONG! The routine also featured Aljaz and Janette but let’s face it, Kristina ate them up along with the rest of the scenery. This magical farty-tale routine really spoke to 44.83% of you, just pipping poor Baby Iveta into second place.

  • 2nd – Baby Iveta Has A Dream : 39.11%
  • 3rd – End Of Series Car-Crash Group Dance : 34.98%
  • 4th – Splish Splash Water Dance To Umbrella : 22.58%
  • 5th – The Bastille Pro-Cloning Adventure : 21.62%
  • 6th – Iveta’s Wartime Munitions Factory : 18.76%
  • 7th – Bat Out Of Hell feat. Anton as Head Vampire : 17.81%
  • 8th – The Louis Smith Disco Showcase : 16.22%
  • 9th – Same Sex Cops N Robbers : 15.9%
  • 10th – Riverdance : 15.58%

King Of All Pros

That picture selected entirely at random you understand. Yes, Pasha has become the first pro to win King/Queen Of Pros for the third time, with 44.16% of the vote, more than twice the backing of his nearest rival. In other news, Aljaz won people over by showing a different, more frivolous, side of him this year, Trent made a decent first impression, and Kevin and Brendan both backslid following indifferent years, albeit not so far that they entered the…Anton Zone.

  • 2nd – Aljaz Skorjanec : 19.94%
  • 3rd – Trent Whiddon : 15.39%
  • 4th – Kevin Clifton : 8.83%
  • 5th – Brendan Cole : 4.56%

Queen Of All Pros

Mummy’s back. Iveta tried to cling onto her throne, right down to the bones of fingers and the butter of her heart, but nothing was stopping Natalie coming back and reclaiming her throne, not even being partnered with a sexegenarian, and 37.63% of you voted her back in. Everyone else? Well Kristina put in a strong showing and…the other five existed.

  • 2nd – Iveta Lukosiute : 27.63%
  • 3rd – Kristina Rihanoff : 20%
  • 4th – Aliona Vilani : 5.53%
  • 5th – Janette Manrara : 5%

Worst Celebrity (Personality)

The show has since tried to pass Gregg’s…personality issues off as being due to panic attacks. It doesn’t really look like you were buying though, as a not unweighty 70.91% of you had him as one of your least lovable celebs of the series. More notable perhaps is that in this, the YEAR OF THE MAN (someone predicted that before it started, I can’t remember who) we have an entirely XY top 5 in this category. The woman who came closest to cracking the male dominance of awkward bugger-ness? Jennifer Gibney. You’re a rum lot sometimes.

  • 2nd – Mark Wright : 47.27%
  • 3rd – Scott Mills : 18.96%
  • 4th – Thom Evans : 8.31%
  • 5th – Jake Wood : 7.79%

Worst Celebrity (Talent)

Yes, 69.01% of you agreed with Craig that really, Scott is someone that just can’t be taught to dance (a tango to Stop! by the Spice Girls).

  • 2nd – Gregg Wallace : 63.99%
  • 3rd – Judy Murray : 21.83%
  • 4th – Tim Wonnacott : 17.82%
  • 5th – Jennifer Gibney : 15.56%

Best Celebrity (Personality)

Strictly’s School Of Public Reputation Rehabilitation strikes again, as 56.97% of you were converted to the joys of the Church Of JudyMoo this year. Not me though, I always loved her. Still, if doing bizarre cartoon mouse voices and buying everyone’s love with shortbread is what does it for you, then good on you. As you might expect from the results from Worst Personality, the Best Personality list is a little heavy on the oestrogen. In fact if just one Jake voter had changed their mind at the last second and backed Frankie instead, we’d be looking at an all-lady top 5. YEAR OF THE WOMAN! AGAIN!

  • 2nd – Alison Hammond : 33.09%
  • 3rd – Caroline Flack : 32.34%
  • 4th – Sunetra Sarker : 17.41%
  • 5th – Jake Wood : 14.68%

Best Celebrity (Talent)

Well done to Caroline, becoming the first winner of the series to win Best Celebrity Talent since Harry Judd. And that was a close one. As with a lot of this year’s Monkies this was somewhat of a two-horse race, as poor blighted Pixie ran Caroline close right to the very end. Still 72.13% of you endorse Caroline’s victory, and that will have to be enough.

  • 2nd – Pixie Lott : 66.99%
  • 3rd – Simon Webbe : 26.16%
  • 4th – Frankie Bridge : 22.98%
  • 5th – Jake Wood : 6.11%

Best Dance Of The Series

Oh I’ve already written about this one, you’re boring. Congrats go again to Caroline, and the 65.45% of you who voted for this routine, for backing the winning horse. And to Pasha for becoming the first pro to win this award three times as well. Handsome, talented, succesful bastard (grumbles grumbles).

  • 2nd – Simon’s Argentine Tango : 62.12%
  • 3rd – Jake’s Salsa : 48.77%
  • 4th – Caroline’s Showdance : 32.6%
  • 5th – Pixie’s Paso Doble : 26.18%
  • 6th – Frankie’s Tango : 25.67%
  • 7th – Alison’s American Smooth : 22.84%
  • 8th – Caroline’s Argentine Tango : 20.02%
  • 9th – Pixie’s Tango : 19.25%
  • 10th – Frankie’s Paso Doble : 18.99%
  • 11th – Pixie’s Samba
  • 12th – Pixie’s Foxtrot
  • 13th – Caroline’s Salsa
  • 14th – Frankie’s Argentine Tango
  • 15th – Sunetra’s American Smooth
  • 16th= Caroline’s American Smooth
  • 16th= Frankie’s Showdance
  • 18th – Simon’s Quickstep
  • 19th – Judy’s Viennese Waltz
  • 20th – Simon’s Foxtrot

See you all tomorrow for my final feelings and opinions on the series! And then…to sleep for the next 9 months.


53 thoughts on “Strictly Come Dancing Monkies 2014

  1. Gusty Gusset

    I remember when I was a kid and Tom Baker was Doctor Who. We used to hide behind the sofa when his face appeared in the titles because it was too scary to watch*. I had to resort to the same tactics when Gregg was in the dance-off tonight. Hence, “none of the above”.

    *it was a more innocent time

    1. Agrippina

      How do you feel about the new Doctor Who titles, with Peter Capaldi’s scary eyebrows looming out of the whirring Cogs of the Universe?

  2. Minxy

    He lost me when he repeated the trick – I get bored with kids repeating “not that funny the second time” tricks.
    I sure as hell am not putting up with it any longer.
    I stopped pre widdy

    And am so pleased Aliona makes it so clear it isn’t HER idea, but yeah sign the check, I will smile and dance but I won’t GUSH (aka robin et al). Nor can I muster up the AMOYZIN attitude of Natalie – who learnt to make tequila shots with her lemons! Ricky Whittle taught her about the fickleness of the concept and publiceadless Kim Kardashian , SCCCCcottttt taught her about breaking her partners in search of the glitterball, Vaughny really really taught her about the mix of hard work, fun and going with the flow and every partner taught her about not getting bitter)

    One face plant into food was funny
    The second …. Meh

    1. monkseal Post author

      I…you guys make your own rules up, it’s Jennifer Gibney. I’m not sure she’ll be challenging for the win whatever you do.

    1. monkseal Post author

      There will be shortform recaps. Or at least that was the result of the poll that I put up. First one should be up tomorrow, second one Saturday (HOPEFULLY).

  3. Huriye

    I genuinely liked her Waltz. But then “Natural Woman” is my fave song of all time. Aretha/Carol – love both – and even the SCD Band & Singers did an acceptable version.

  4. Neio

    Thom’s the first eliminee where I’ve genuinely been able to pick a dance. I could have chosen more than one in fact.

    1. stevenperkins

      And conversely, I always try to pick one dance, but between Scott’s dancing and Joanne’s choreography, Scott’s the first time this series where I just had to go NOPE.

  5. Neio

    Did Scott really do that many dances? I must have blocked most of them from my memory! [shudders] I really couldn’t pick one I liked either. Whatever Len was trying to claim after the Dance-Off, I didn’t even see any improvement in that Foxtrot.

    1. Huriye

      I found it a vast improvement, in that it was entertaining and not excruciating, as all his other dances were. Even Joanne was good in it, thereby salvaging some of her tarnished reputation as a pro!

  6. missfrankiecat

    How has Judy’s tango not made the cut? I have never seen more splendid emoting than her carless laugh in the face of Anton’s treachery with a hapless audience member followed by the bowling ball throw. Can’t you over rule, MS?

    1. Jake

      I also voted for Pixie’s samba. Probably would’ve been the first samba to score a 40 if she performed it in the Finals.

    1. monkseal Post author

      What was the story? Man meets woman at cinema, they buy tickets, they do a foxtrot, then they watch the film? I do love how in all these storylines you could remove the actual dance and it’d make as much sense.

      1. Huriye

        Correct me if I’m mistaken, but I thought Monaogg was referring to Pixie & Trent’s Foxtrot, that was her favourite dance of theirs. That did have a lovely story and was beautifully danced to “When I’m 64” with the mangle and tea towel. πŸ™‚

      2. monkseal Post author

        I have legit lost track of what comments I am replying to where at this point. My apple lologies.

  7. Huriye

    What?!!!!!!!!! Get outa town! NO SAMBA IN PIXIE’S TOP 3???? You gotta be kidding!
    😦 😦 😦
    It was in my Top 3 dances of the WHOLE SERIES for gawd’s sake!
    I’m throwing a right strop here and demand a recount asap!
    I truly despair. 😦
    At least Jake agrees wiv me. πŸ™‚
    The Foxtrot and Paso I accept, but drop that hideously sung, awful wigged Tango for their Glorious Samba innit?
    Bad enough they’re not in the Final, but now THIS!
    I’m very vexed with your voters Monkseal. *shakes fist in frustration*

  8. Minxy

    I can’t remember most of them
    So I pretty much went for charlestons as default
    I like charlestons
    And I know they piss many off lol
    Haven’t seen any of the final yet as I have been proper poorly and incapacitated

  9. Jake

    This is the first season where I started keeping track of my favorite routines from each round of Strictly. From Week 8 onwards, Caroline’s routines always were my favorite. (Yes, even her Wardrobe-sabotaged American Smooth was my favorite routine that week.) Of all of her dances, I think her Jive narrowly is my favorite: I can’t resist camp choreography, Elton John, and a Geri Halliwell inspired frock all at once.

  10. Chris

    I can’t believe people REJECTED Caroline’s epic rumba – it has Pasha in a state of undress, a shit ton of dry ice, Caroline at her most Caroline, it was so ringery, and she does that epic assisted spin thing like she’s fricking Tinkerbell. Tinkerbell doing a dirty filthy rumba. It’s my second favourite dance of the series after Pixie’s paso (I have a higher tolerance for rumba than most)

    1. breppo

      Indeed and there were a few others where None of the above would have suited me better.
      Wouldn’t it be fab if None of the above would win in several categories?

  11. Perdie

    Just voted, but am getting “King of the Pros: Poll Closed” – only poll I’ve had a problem with.

    For a not entirely vintage year, picking just five dances was more difficult than I anticipated.

  12. Agrippina

    I’ve gone mad voting for Pixie in the faint hope that it will mean that Trent is allowed back next year. Evil Moira Ross in a Rainbow Wig does read this blog, I’m sure.

  13. Minxy

    I wanted to vote for Scott for dance of the year!
    That crab dance has a special place in my heart still!
    Others were technically better I know!! I ain’t THAT stupid lol
    But Just as Vaughnie’s Lumberjack Jive was the best dance of his series …

    1. monkseal Post author

      Because I had to get it down to 50 options for the sake of my sanity. The easiest cuts were the ones where I thought costumes added more than the actual staging/props.

  14. Chris

    A contemporary-based Showdance was the 4th most popular dance of the series? After Abbey Clancy winning last year, now everything I thought I knew for sure about Strictly is SHATTERED FOREVER. I fully expect a Blokerumba to win the Monkie next year now (also somehow there’s even less dances by male celebrities in this year’s top 20 than last year’s certified Year of the Woman, great job on the Year of the Man guys)

    Loving Natalie hoovering up every category she can despite only being in the competition for three weeks. (Also not a great reflection on the current female pro lineup, is it? Bring on Gordana and Anya’s glorious return)

    Big kudos to you Monkseal, yet another titanic series of blogging (and I mean titanic in the best possible non-shipwreck way)

    1. monkseal Post author

      Louis’ Showdance was 6th in 2012. Nothing new under the Monkie sun.

      (Also I still say last year’s crop of men were under-rated, and I may well push this argument harder if/when I get around to updating my Top 50 Contestants)


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