Strictly Come Dancing 12 – Final (2)

Where did you finish Numbers Bitch? 11th? *kisses teeth*

This

is this year’s range of Strictly Amiibos. Just plug these figurines (only £20.99 each) into the top of your gaming console and enjoy many hours of such fun minigames as “How Loud Can Karen Scream?”, “Flackers Dress-Up Torture” and “Don’t Get Kristina Mad”. BUT WHICH OF THEM WILL WIN THE GLITTERBALL? LET’S FIND OUT!

LIVE!

Proably not this one. Anywho, Tess and Claudia APPEAR by the judges, having changed their outfits.

Is it Sunday already? Good grief, how time flies. They go down the line of celebrities, naming each one and judging the studio reaction. The complete lack of noise for Frankie is…well bless her quite frankly. Maybe they’ve fitted muzzles on the rest of The Saturdays since the last time they were in and screamed the studio down every time Frankie so much as moved. But now, the studio audience’s favourite (Simon) decided, it’s time to find out who the public’s least favoured is as voting lines

ARE FROZEN! No, literally, if you call them up it sings “Let It Go” at you. Pixie’s gone. Deal. BUT FIRST! Let’s talk about what’s coming up later, then do it, then afterwards talk about what just happened, then show a montage of it, let’s. After the loser is swept off the floor, we’ll be watching our remaining couples favourite dance of the series, Take That, and a very special group routine featuring all of the eliminated contestants from Strictly 2014. Will it involve a flying carpet? No? Then whatever.

After a quick recap (no Greg) it’s time to fi

oh there we go. They’re gone. They wander over to the judges for one last speech.

He says that he knows he’s boring everyone (…) but he’s had the time of his life, and he’s never felt this way before. He swears it’s the truth, and he owes it all to Karen. And the voters and the judges and his friends and family and Tess & Claudia and etc etc. He tells us all that Strictly is the best thing you could ever do, just beating I’m A Celebrity into 2nd place, and being beaten itself into 2nd place by Celebrity Masterchef in 8 months time. Gregg? Yeah? You promised you’d put a word in? Fabulous. Karen for her part says that Mark is now officially no longer “Marky No-Moves”. If he ever was.

So that leaves us with our Final Three.



Try to look a bit less like you’ve flicked your settings from Stun to Murder guys, I know it’s the final and the obvious Zeppo just left but it’s for a dinky bit of plastic that Darren Gough won. Calm.

Frankie Bridge & Kevin Clifton Dancing The Paso Doble

Time it is, for our final three’s Strictly Stories. As usual

sat backstage, retelling their tales like they’re on some sort of ITV1 Saturday afternoon tribute to Roy Hudd. Frankie tells us that the decision to do Strictly was a difficult one, because she’s used to being backed up by the rest of The Saturdays, like mafia hitmen in hairspray and high heels, and she’s also just had a baby. Frankie having just had a baby means this is the BEST time to do Strictly. Look

he’s at MAXIMUM CUTENESS. Just think what could happen in a year’s time. Constant rash round his mouth, hair growing in funny, develops his father’s…well, face really (NO ‘FENCE WAYNE). You made the right choice. Kevin says that he’s really proud of Frankie, and that people might be forgiven for thinking that she’s brilliant straight away, but it does take time for her to get confident enough to put a performance on. Frankie says that it’s for this reason she’s chosen her paso to reprise, as she really felt like she had to let herself go and put on a performance in it, Kevin also gives her praise for her tango performance.

Apparently he hyped her up by telling her to shut her eyes, because when she opened them again, she would become………THE GREEN WITCH. She’s got a name Kevin. Although I guess in trousers that tight he could be forgiven for lack of bloodflow to his thinking parts. Kevin and Frankie then both talk about how amazing the other is before

her mum pops up to say that if Frankie wins we’ll probably hear her explode. Not over the heads of a thousand deranged McFlea stalker-fans we won’t. SHE BROKE DOUGIE’S HEART etc etc Wayne then appears to say that he’s really proud of her and he hopes that she knows it, because he tells her all the time. Hey, what man wouldn’t be proud to be married to the winner of the Cosmpoliton Fabulous Friends Award Sponsored By Baileys? Oh and turning off the lights in the training room one last time?

CHECK!

TO THE ROOFTOPS OF NEW YORK!

So this is Frankie’s paso doble from Movie Week, and even though that’s now many weeks ago I’m sure we all remember it



stomp stomp clap clap swish swish look a bit fierce, Kevin

not looking unsweaty throughout. It was definitely a big character-based breakthrough dance for Frankie, even though it still feels a little bit swish over substance. This of course marks Kevin’s second Strictly Finals Paso Doble, making him the fourth pro now to dance the same genre in two separate finals (Flavia on salsa, Brenda on foxtrot and Erin, you will be incredibly unsurprised to hear, on quickstep). Really, such facts aside I think what this routine was obviously missing this time around was

It just wasn’t the same without him.

OLE!

Over to the judges they go, where Tess reminds us all for the bllionth time that the judges scores are for guidance only. Phew. I would hate to think that giving Simon 40 and giving Caroline 40 and giving Frankie 39 (SPOILERS) could have made a difference because they were SO tipping their hand there. Len starts for the judges, saying that great dancing requires great music. OBJECTION – you gave a routine to a Robbie Williams song a 40 earlier. It clearly doesn’t. He carries on to say that routine may be from West Side Story but he thinks it was really more of a WEST SIDE GLORY.

Frankie Bridge enjoys your wordplay Len, and she appreciates you for it. Bruno’s next

always a pleasure.

Craig does his best to follow Bruno’s words of wisdom (although really, who could?) by saying that he loved that paso because it was strong, feisty, and with a good amount of danger in it. I think most of the danger was that Kevin’s bum would burst free myself, although I guess that fire escape could be a tripping hazard. Darcey brings us home by saying that Frankie’s paso doble really was a turning point, where she saw Frankie burst out with personality for the first time. Hang on then, why wasn’t it part of “Dances Where You Really Showed Personality For The First Time Round” along with Simon’s Charleston? AHM CONFUSED! Still, it was even hotter tonight. And that’s saying something because Darcey is literally naked other than for

this fascinator she’s just thrown on her boobs.

Up to Claud 9 they go, where Claudia says that really it was a no-brainer for Frankie : she was always going to choose the paso………well once they told her that they’d run out of green paint dressing Lisa Riley up as Grotbags for the Christmas Special. Frankie says that this is true, because she loved it and it really taught her how to be a character. She and Kevin then maunder on about how they are friends for life

then have a cuddle whilst Judy wonders how Anton’s getting on with getting her those martinis. Cuddles Schmuddles JUDY WANTS BOOZE. Scores are in

39. Their cheers to the 10s that follow are so rote and mechanical they might as well not have bothered. THEY WANTED THAT 40 DAMNIT.

Caroline Flack & Pasha Kovalev dancing the Charleston

I’ve got a feeling this particular Strictly Story is going to feature a lot more crying.

It opens with Caroline

telling us that Strictly was one of the best experiences she’s ever had. ONE OF? ONE OF? You got to feel Pasha’s biceps love, step it up a notch. Pasha himself says that it’s been great working with Caroline, because she’s always giggling, happy, upbeat and positive and always

gazing at him like he was a New York Reuben sandwich and she really appreciated his pickle. Caroline for her part says that the reason she’s so optimistic and positive is that Pasha made her that way and then we revisit the greatest moment of Week 1 of this series.

I still howl. Every time. Oddly enough, the Strictly Story here then completely contradicts itself without even pausing for breath by telling us that Caroline is in fact a worrier who panics over ever aspect of every routine and frets about how she might be getting worse not better.

I’m thinking Caroline might be…too…complicated a character for Strictly VT montages to handle. I guess this is why so far they’ve been nothing but Pasha Acting. Anyway, Caroline tells us that Pasha always cheers her up by saying silly things like “the moon might fall on your head, why not worry about that?”. Pasha’s moon can fall on my head any ti[*PUNCHLINE REDACTED*]. Actually though I take it back, Caroline’s not cried once thi

oh. Never mind. Caroline’s low point was her American Smooth (WHICH I STILL CAN’T BELIEVE WE DIDN’T GET TO SEE DONE RIGHT, FUCK YOU “JUDGES CHOICE” WHAT’S THE BLOODY POINT), her high point was her Charleston because it was the first time she really believed she could win, yadda yadda, Pasha closes by saying that Caroline is like a beautiful flower who had never seen the sun, so her petals had never opened, until these last few weeks of the competition. Oh Pasha. Caroline’s flower has been wide open for you since the beginning.

TO THE MARKETS OF ISTANBUL!

Yeah, so this is another dance that’s a little undercut by the fact that it’s missing a cameo. Although this time it is at least a real one I’m judging it on, not one I’ve just made up in my head, although Pasha has at least this time choreographed a clever way to remove his fez safely rather than dropping it to the floor – Caroline literally kicks it off his head and then it is gone. Nice work Pasha. Anyway, Caroline dances just as well as last time, and if anything acts the dance even harder

admittedly mostly via mouthing along with the words, but moments like this

and especially the oops upside your head floor dance, and the last lift which can’t even exist without extras, just felt a bit more special with the hoardes of backing dancers shoreing them up and making them look like they were leading something exciting. And no, I’m not comfortable with being the only person on the Internet calling for MOAR BACKING DANCERS either. What was Gordana doing? Blow-drying her hair? Or possibly dying it black so she can stand out and get hired next year?

FUN. Not transcendent. Kudos to Pasha though. First pro I think to spend an entire final semi-shirtless. I salute his sacrifice for the greater good.

They wander over to Tess, where Bruno starts with

probably his most inciteful comment yet. I’m stunned. Tess then asks Craig if Caroline managed to produce enough swivel that time, as apparently that’s what held him back from giving that routine the top score last time. Craig sighs that his heart has been melted. After he gave that flipping cha cha a 10, I don’t think we needed to be told, to be honest.

Darcey follows by saying that she’s devastated that she’ll NEVER EVER EVER SEE CAROLINE DANCE WITH PASHA EVER AGAIN until next year’s Christmas Special where she’ll get beaten into second place by Natalie Gumede doing the American Smooth featuring the RETURN OF THE REINDEER ONESIE. Anyway for Darcey, that’s still the best Charleston of the series. And there’s been so, so, SO many (Jennifer and Sunetra being the only contestants not to do one). Len closes by saying that there were four Beatles, three musketeers, and two Ronnies, but there’s only one winner on this show. Weren’t there four musketeers by, like, episode 2 of any adaptation you care to watch? Also of course Len is forgetting that there are in fact three winners – the actual winner, the REAL winner (which is the person you wanted to win but didn’t and now you feel like being a pouty baby about it) and the PEOPLE’S CHAMPION (which is someone who made it to about week 10 despite being crap). Len doesn’t say that CAROLINE’S the winner by the way. Not yet. Honest.

Over to Claud 9 they go, where Caroline beams that that was her favourite dance of the series, and that the reason she did Strictly was because she was inspired by Sophie’s Charleston. Pasha pips up “AND YOU GET TO DO IT TWICE!” which I hope Brenda gave him a dead arm for later. We also cover how she supposedly melted Craig heart with her swivel. I’ll tell you what, Pasha could make me swivel until he melted my [*PUNCHLINE REDACTED*]. Ahem. Claudia then asks Caroline how it would feel if Tess called her name at the end of the evening (what, because her taxi’s come?) and Caroline sighs that she can’t even imagine it as

Aliona and Natalie represent the faces of pros that have won and pros that have not won at this point respectively. Scores are in

40. Claudia tells Caroline that she’s the first celebrity ever to get three 40s in the final. That stat comes to Claudia SO QUICKLY IT’S ALMOST AS THOUGH IT WAS PREDETERMINED ISN’T IT? You know. By fate.

Simon Webbe & Kristina Rihanoff dancing the Argentine Tango

Yes, all of the couples favourite routines did come from theme weeks this year. So…don’t go expecting them be reducing in number any time soon.

Strictly Story again and

is someone going to wear that dress or is it just going to sit there? Anyway, Simon says that his Strictly journey has been a rollercoaster. Not the first time Kristina’s let her celebrity partner on The Big DippeYES YES THAT’S ENOUGH. Anyway, he’s here, despite everything, and he’s had a lot of fun along the way. This fun is mostly represented visually by him dancing and yelling GANGNAM STYLE. So a very…2012 sort of fun. Simon tells us that he did Strictly to get over his own problems, as he’s really “lost himself” over the last few years.

This is a reference to the fact that, per his press interviews, Simon was depressed and had suicidal thoughts shirtly before signing up to Strictly. Frankie likewise has suffered from serious and well-documented depression, and Caroline obviously is no stranger to having the vicissitudes of her love life spread all over the tabs in an unpleasant way. It does make you think that the producers are possibly now actively looking for talented people with adversity in their recent history to make a good story (see : Natalie Gumede really wanted to be a dancer but then got seriously injured), and I’m not sure how that makes me feel, given that Strictly itself is a lens through which a lot of mean-spirited shite is sometimes hurled at a person (NOT BY THIS BLOG THOUGH, NO, I’M PERFECT). Whatever, it’s all starting to feel like we’re some distance away from “let’s feel good for Alesha winning because she just got dumped”.

Where was I?

Oh yes, Simon’s mother, who is very proud of him and his daughter

likewise, in a Christmas hat. Simon tells us that Kristina was always there for him, especially when he was in the dance-off (WHICH WAS A LOT) and then Kristina has a big incoherent weep about how she just wanted Simon to succeed and…a bunch of other stuff I can’t make out.

Bless. Maybe she can win on her third final as well. Although I’m sure they’ll make her plough through several more 7 foot tall basketball players and octogenarians first.

TO THE BORDELLOS OF THE SWEATY PAMPERS OF ARGENTINA!

What’s sweet is that you can tell that Kristina’s in character as much as possible but

she can’t help but smile a bit when she hears ALL THE LOVE IN THE ROOM [/Darius Danesh]. They’re reprising their Argentine Tango…well because it was clearly their best dance. Nice simple reasoning for a change. As last time the star is really



Kristina in the lifts, as she throws herself at them like Bruno’s going to at some poor chap in Faces later on, but Simon’s doing a great job of being mean and moody and really looking like he’s leading her (as much as you get the impression that Kristina could ever be led, totally). It’s a good dance for the evening to end on and a real note of triumph.

BOMP.

Once it’s over, Simon lets out a primal scream of

pure energy that makes me think that maybe the divine just touched its second host in as many series finales. Either that or…something else is down there touching him, I wouldn’t like to speculate. Kristina. It gets a very raucous reception from the studio audience and Simon tells Tess that he’s so glad that he got to do that dance again, although has has to admit, he has watched the Youtube video of his first attempt back at least 100 times. Alone. At night. In his bedroom. Craig starts for the judges, and he gives a rousing 45 seconds of speech talking about Simon’s journey has not ended, it’s just beginning, and how he and Kristina have a truly special partnership, and Simon is forever changed by Strictly. See…I thought it was Mark who Craig was angling to build his STAGE SHOW around this year, but now I’m not so sure. Darcey follows, thanking Simon for reprising that dance, because the first time she saw it, it really struck a nerve in her.

That’s an organ Darcey, not a nerve. Although looking at her she’s probably talking about the whole…system. She closes by saying, and I quote “that is a perfection of the end of a dance that I have ever seen”.

Is Kristina weeping for Simon, or for the English language? I ask you.

Len follows by saying that, as Simon has been in three dance-offs and the other two finalists haven’t, they have climbed hills where he has climbed mountains. Well yes, and you were giving him a hearty shove up most of them Len. He says that this series has been like a whodunnit – even as you approach the final turn of the page, you’re still not sure who it’s going to be. OOH OOH! CAN I GUESS? CAN I GUESS WHO’S DUN IT? I think after that dance I could have a good guess… It’s left up to Bruno to sum up the series with our last judging comment.

Beautiful.

Up to Claud 9 they charge, where Claudia asks them if that was even better for them than Blackpool was. Simon says that it was, because it’s the final and he’s had such a great day. He thanks all the staff and the crew who we never get to see, and who make the show what it is. Hooray for the prop-wranglers! Hooray for Vicky Gill’s bitchez who never make it on camera! Hooray for all the Floor Managers who aren’t as hot as Greg! Hooray for the blindfolded dart-throwing song choice monkey! Hooray for the third cellist who’s stuck in an awkward spot for the cameras! Hooray for Evil Moira Ross In A Rainbow Wig and whatever Macchiavellian Second-In-Command is currently plotting her overthrow! HOORAY FOR STRICTLY! Scores are in

40.

FINAL LEADERBOARD?

Now let’s all sit back, kick our shoes off, and get ready for filler. First up, of course, a recap of all the dances done so far, because, I mean, it’s not as though we haven’t seen some of them already be recapped twice already, on top of the once danced and once recapped we’ve already seen those Judges Choice dances we had this evening MOST OF WHICH I BEGRUDGE WATCHING EVEN ONCE.

Next? A promise of a recap of what I have loved most about Strictly 2014. Unless this is a montage of shirtless Spaceman Pasha I…doubt it. Instead it’s a load of vox pops from the general public and OF COURSE celebrities.

Ben Shephard thinks the standard was so much higher this year than last year. Susanna Reid thinks that Ben Shepherd can take his Dance Degree from the University Of Birmingham and stick it up his

Eamonn Holmes thinks that the best couple were Scott and Joanne, which, let’s face it, is the sort of thing you’d expect him to say. OH EAMONN YOU WACKY CARD YOU.

This lady (on the left) thinks that Alison left too soon. Even I, as a confirmed fan of Team Glihah, think you’re probably on your own with that one love. Just to probe into her opinions deeper, she claims that all of the dancers were at their best in Blackpool (*remembers Sunetra’s samba* *says nowt*).

This lady (on the right) says that Judy Murray was “quite fun”.

These two, who are apparently the current Blue Peter presenting line-up, from a shoebox somewhere off the side of the M7, just LOVE the judges, and would quite like to get 10s off them if they ever become famous enough to be contestants thank you very much.

This man thinks the guy from Eastenders has been really good.

This lady (on the left) was a big fan of Pixie Lott. She can really empathise with how she was KICKED OFF BEFORE HER TIME BY BLOODY LEN.

Una Stubbs here quite enjoys not letting anybody else in her Pony Club speak.

This guy (on the left) thinks that Mark Wright is the perfect example of someone who has come from having no dance training whatsoever to doing really well on Strictly. This lady (on the right) has a bit of a cry because SHE DUN THAT AS WELL NOT FAIR and then stomps off to her room. Puberty hits some harder than others I guess.

This chap would like us to know that he thinks Frankie is absolutely gorgeous, and also that his wife is going to kill him. Well…I hope somebody took this cry for help seriously, otherwise a nation of 10 million viewers is going to feel very guilty tomorrow morning.

Brian May and Miriam Margolyes would have given Caroline a 10 every week COZ SHE’S HOT.

THE END!

Next up, some people pretending that Take That are in the studio when actually their performance was pre-recorded weeks ago.

Some of them are better at it than others (SUNETRA). Anyway…TAKE THAT!

Caroline! Caroline! Have you get any of your loo paper left over from your showdance, Mark Owen’s had a bit of an accident. They’re here to sing some of their greatest hits – Greatest Day, These Days, Never Forget, Pay What U Like, How Far Offshore Is Your Love?, and Social Responsability Ain’t Here Any More. Anyway, as if Sunetra hadn’t already made it entirely obvious with her face that she was reacting to nothing, and although they’ve clearly tried to edit around her as much as possible


HI OLA! Imagine your last recorded appearance on Strictly being wrecking the show’s beloved continuity. If this is it Olachops, you will be missed.

TAH DAH!

When we return to the Claud 9 balcony, Alison is actually screaming “YEAH! WOO! TAKE THAT!” in a way that really makes me question which two of her, Judy, or Sunetra I’m going to vote for for Best Personality at the Monkies this year. It’s a tight field. Next up, in these, our twelfth annual Parafillerlympics… the eliminated celebs talking about what Strictly meant to them.

“Aliona was SO HOT and so funny, especially when I told her I wasn’t wearing any underwear I love her! Is she here tonight for the final? They told me she was going to be, but I can’t find her anywhere.”

“Aljaz’s bum…..”

“Did you see that article about how I banged that one girl eight times in one night? And you all thought I was gay.”

“I am filming this under sufferance. If you buggers try to introduce a twist where I get voted back in, I’m off”

“I still can’t believe I got 8s for that samba. It was crap”

“EVERY WOMAN, EVERY MAN, JOIN THE CARAVAN OF LOVE! STAND UP! STAND UP! EVERYBODY TAKE A STAND! JOIN THE CARAVAN OF LOVE!” (now available on iTunes)

“CAROLINE’S A FACHKIN RINGER! IT’S NOT TOO LATE! VOTE FOR SIMON EVERYONE!”

“I’M FROM IRELAND!”

“Andy’s still not speaking to me. But I have faith that he’ll learn to accept Anton as his new daddy in time”

“I’ve had so many calls from LA from directors who are so excited about working with me. Sean Cody, Corbin Fisher, Randy Blue…”

“Loved it mate, time of my life”

AND HERE THEY ALL ARE AGAIN FOR ONE! LAST! TIME!

They’re doing a traditional End-Of-Series Car Crash Group Dance, to show just how far they’ve come since the traditional Start-Of-Series Car Crash Group Dance. In some cases…not very far. Just as far as it took to accrue props.

Still, Scott’s not the first celebrity to pick up crabs from his dancing partner, and he won’t be the last. And it’s hard to capture the majesty of Natalie’s fan wafting in a still shot

but try I will. It’s all being danced to “Love Will Keep Us Together” by Captain & Tenille and “Right Back Where We Started From” by Maxine Nightingale (…good grief), but versions that slowly accelerate as the dance goes on, making the whole experience frankly nightmarish. Alison reprises her sexy boss routine, Jennifer paddles her boat about, Anton snogs Joanne (I’m not doing a picture, I’m not, Gregg eats a cake and winks, Steve flies in on a vine, and even makes that look a bit beyond him, Judy

descends via balloon and then Jake caps us off by


leading everyone in a great big insane twerking stomping winking kick-line. Then the music changes to about 10 seconds of “We Are Family” and everyone piles on the judges to finish.

Bizarre. My twin favourite parts are Judy looking like she’s just wandered into a flashmob with no clue what’s going on from the minute she dismebarks from the balloons, and Bruno and Scott having a GOOD OLD BITCH about everyone as soon as it’s all over.

Whatever it is he’s saying, I bet it’s vile.

NEXT UP IN FILLER, an advert for the Christmas Special, which I will not be recapping. If you want to know why not, look back over the sheer churn of words I’ve pumped out over the last three months about both this show and The Apprentice and also

this picture. There’s your answers.

That sell-job over with, we’re back on Claud 9 for one last round of interviews.

Claudia opens by telling Gregg that everyone’s really missed him. MMMMMMM HMMMMM. Gregg says that he’s been watching, just so he knows how all his mates are getting on, and he was really sad when his “bald mate” Jake went out.

Have you seen that episode of The Simpsons where Marge makes Bart make friends with Ralph Wiggum, and Ralph marches around yelling “WE’RE FRIENDS!” in front of the school bullies and Bart is embarassed and then pushes Ralph in a hedge? Just asking. Alison is asked what she’s missed and she says that she misses the dances, the people, and most of all Mark crying. Claudia next asks Tim if he and his wife are still doing it, and Tim says they are, morning, noon, and night. DANCING THAT IS! (*slide trombone*). Claudia asks him what his favourite dance was, and he says it was the paso doble, presumably in that he could just stand there in his little knitted woolen hat and let Natalie be Natalie. Claudia asks Judy if she’s kept in touch with Anton. She says no. LOL JUSS JOKING, SHE SEEMS HIM ALL THE TIME. THEY PLAYED TENNIS AT WIMBLEDON THE OTHER DAY. THEY TIED ANDY TO THE UMPIRES CHAIR AND MADE HIM WATCH THE WHOOOOOOOOOOOLEE THING. Jake and Pixie try not to sound too bitter, nobody speaks to Steve, Sunetra, Scott, Thom or Jennifer (HI CAST FILLER!) and next…oh God a montage of the judges hyping up our final three again, some more. Let’s not. Let’s instead speculate whether a partner swap (to Tristan) will help or hurt Caroline, whether a surge of WUZZROBBED votes will carry Frankie or Simon to the title, or whether there will be a surprise win for TEAM GLIHAH. Yes, it’s time for…

Let’s reveal who’s won.

There we go.

The pause before the reveal was only 10 seconds this year as well. Mind you it used to take Bruce a good 30 seconds to get the envelope open. Tess and Claudia check in very quickly with our losers (Frankie says she’s happy to have made the final, Kristina calls Simon her hero, Kevin says it’s been great to be part of the show again, Simon calls Kristine his little Russian schnookum pie (not really, he thanks the public for keeping him in this far)) and then we check in with our oldest female winner ever. 34. WHAT A CRONE.

You’ll be glad to hear that, now she’s won, it has been upgraded officially to being the best experience of her life. She thanks Pasha, and then she eulogises the whole of the cast for having loved and supported one another. Everyone’s been so lovely to one another, and it’s been a great bonding experience. I know, s’been dead boring hasn’t it? Pasha is asked how he feels and he says that he can’t imagine a better partner than Caroline, and he’s so glad she got to experience Strictly.

Fun Fact : Caroline was stood like this for the next four hours, after which time Kristina grabbed the glitterball and hoofed it. HAPPY ENDINGS FOR EVERYBODY!

Personally me? I think we all know that this really is the culmination for me of a lifelong obsession with Pasha Kovalev. DID YOU WATCH HIM ON SO YOU THINK YOU CAN DANCE MARIAN BLOODY KEYES NO YOU DID NOT, so I’m happy. And I liked Caroline well enough, and enjoyed most of her dances, although I occasionally found her a little rehearsed, and I’m truly sad that it only became apparent what an utter basket-case she was until the very end. I can say I wouldn’t have begrudged anyone else the win, but lets be honest, I was yelling “CLOSE THE FUCKING LINES! CLOSE THEM NOW! NOT MY PASHA YOU BITCH!” from the moment that it looked like Simon’s Argentine Tango might clinch it for him at the last. I can’t help wishing that that Judges Choice Round had been a bit lot very better, and either or both of Jake and Pixie had been there to make the final feel a bit more…well like a final, rather than a bunch of people who just happened to be left, but it was a good final to close a bit of a rum series.

NEXT? THE MONKIES! Your 24 hour repechage comes on Saturday, then the polls proper start on Sunday. Until then? MERRY CHRISTMAS!

*expires from recapping*

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17 thoughts on “Strictly Come Dancing 12 – Final (2)

  1. kikishua

    You may have expired from recapping, but we will appreciate you at the funeral. Thanks, tonnes. This is the third-best thing about Strictly.

    Reply
  2. Lesley Rigg

    Sterling job recapping that lot, well done! With you on the odd choices of “judges choice”, Cazza welcome to the win, it was nice not to have them all dissolving into tears during the show like last year, and a Happy Christmas to you too. Thanks for making me laugh whilst I travelled on a variety forms of of public transport and public places where i have snort-laughed (Zoe Ball approved) embarrassingly at your recaps.

    Reply
  3. BeyonceCastle

    Merry Christmas Monkseal. You do indeed deserve a rest… and I will watch the Panto Special thinking of you fondly whilst I shout She’s Behind You at Chris Hollins and Oh no it isn’t at Louis’s beanstalk .
    ….Unlike Frankie cos there’s no rest for the Wicked. (Just read that off my Xmas Cracker). Her baby might be cute but my 18 month old can do Happy Feet so I WIN!!!!! I do like her mum’s top though…(year of the biddy is having an effect already). Can’t believe they brought back the Mama Mia Boat. SOS indeed.
    When did Malcolm Gladwell start presenting Blue Peter? And when did Mark Owen morph into Bob Mortimer? Why didn’t Take That cover the Stones’ Gimme (tax) Shelter?
    Meanwhile Caroline is now set to be treading the boards after the tour. Pasha tours with Anya then goes off to get in practise for year of the biddy by teaching rich biddies on P+O cruise ships…along with Xtina Kevin.and Karen. They’re gonna need a bigger boat.

    Reply
  4. Dancing Cake

    Huge thank you for a perfect recap of the final and for all the hours you put in over the whole series. May your ability to produce genuinely ROFL-inducing comments never wane.

    Reply
  5. MelOz

    I only download Strictly since I’ve been in Oz so I have context for your blog (sad but true, particularly this series where I did not care who won as long as it was NotMark) – thank you for moments of snorting laughter over the last few months. Hope your fingers recover soon!

    Reply
  6. PadsterMo

    Monkseal – I’ve been a largely silent reader this year, but I’ve been here every week (several times). Once again your recap have added so much to the show that I’ve found myself scurrying back to the recording to rewatch with your opinion in my head – and it’s even more enjoyable that way!

    It’s probably the first series since the series 8 ‘relaunch’ when I haven’t felt really strongly about which finalist I either wanted to win (Kara, Natalie) or not win (Jason, Louis) so I was able to sit back and enjoy this finale a bit more than in previous years; ultimately I would have been happy with either Frankie (her Tango and Argentine Tango are probably my favourite dances from the whole series) or Caroline (the first Charleston I’ve enjoyed on this show since it was introduced, single-handedly elevating the semi-final beyond ‘meh’). Of the pros I’d have preferred Pasha or Kristina to win (imagine her reaction) – so I guess if you apply logic to it it was the best result for me.

    I though the Class of 2014 dance was a hot mess the first time I saw it, but watching it back it’s actually frickin’ hilarious with the background antics, like Tristan and Jennifer ‘riverdancing’ past Pixie, or Scott wandering around lost with his crab claws. Take That were…..well…Take That really, but I enjoyed playing ‘spot the pro’ – surely that short guy dancing with Joanne will get the call-up sometime? I’m sure he’s been in the background for a few years now?

    Surely next year will be Natalie’s year? That one shot of her fan-work in the group dance can’t do justice to how epic it was. If I could create gifs I’d have one running in the background permanently on my desktop…….

    Reply
  7. Gusty Gusset

    Thanks for your great recapping as always Monkseal. An entertaining series all round I reckon. Dave Arch’s Wunnerful Orchestra have definitely improved IMHO… I think it’s the addition of a new singer (or 2?). Now if only Bruce’s old scriptwriter could be replaced with someone more current (ie from the past 25 years), then Tess could find her feet in the main hosting role and we’d all find ourselves cringing less frequently.

    Reply
  8. scotgirl

    I’ve lurked enjoyably for years too. Too many moments of stifled snorts under the duvet, trying not to wake my OH. Since you have been called #elsewhere# on a blog which takes 350 years to read, I felt I needed to stand up and be counted. Make it 700 years! It will never be enough! Thank you.

    Reply
  9. PerfectCustard

    Monkseal you are outstanding, this was my first year watching Strictly, and you have made the experience tremendous fun. May you get lots of nice pressies for Xmas, eggnog, mulled wine, and a Xmas jumper with a knitted Pasha on the front.

    Reply
  10. breppo

    Why is it that finales of these kind of shows are always, always a bit of a disappointment?
    For me the most exciting thing was the sight of Specs Vilani-Kavanagh. She makes even those hideous hipster glasses look good.
    I have an idea for a VT game. Perhaps somebody brought it up in the past already, but wouldn’t it be a great idea to show the “away from the dance studio” clips and then guess what it’s all about.
    Frankie and Kevin going to Pentonville Prison –> Frankie needs to do something about her free legs.
    That kind of stuff.

    Reply
  11. Radleykitten

    Bravo, Monkseal! Another hilarious year, and the saved sex faces make my weekends. I hope you’re having a well deserved rest now!

    Reply
  12. Minstrelgirl

    I’ll add my thanks too.Your recaps bring joy to my humdrum life so please know your hard work aint been in vain for nothing 🙂

    Reply
    1. Jake

      Brendan didn’t do a Foxtrot in two different finals — he did a Quickstep with Natasha, a Foxtrot with Lisa, and a Viennese Waltz with Sophie. However, Ian did a Samba both times he was in the finals.

      Reply

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