As with last year’s finale, it’s in the second half that things really kick into gear, emotionally. I mean…nobody touched the divine or anything, but it certainly beats watching TWO WEEK 1 CHA CHAS I’LL TELL YOU THAT MUCH. Mark is summarily dispatched at the start and shows a certain amount of admirable self-awareness about the fact that he’s been doling out his leaving speech in installments over the last 12 episodes like one of those 52 part “Build Your Own Dinosaur” magazines. Which is nice. He’s then immediately forgotten to the extent that later Frankie will be heard good-naturedly grumbling later on the red button footage about being the only celeb in the final never to score 40. D’oops.
Speaking of Frankie never scoring 40, she has to suffer the indignity of getting a 39 for her paso doble, which really could have gone the full whack, and which sadly feels slightly overshadowed by the lack of Donny Osmond cameo. You know he could have done one. He can’t be that busy. Caroline’s Charleston if anything falls flatter, as the lack of backing dancers mean the spectacular final carpet-bundle lift is missing and there’s a lot of parts where Pasha looks very isolated, although she still gets 40 for it, and becomes officially the first celeb to bowl a perfect game in the final. This leaves Kristina and Simon to absolutely and comprehensively slam-dunk their Argentine Tango to close the evening, complete with actual PRIMAL SCREAM from Simon to cap it, followed by Craig giving a very lengthy speech about Simon’s transformation as a human being that’s almost moving (ON THIS SHOW) and which sends his odds with the bookies coiling in past Frankie’s to the point where it almost looks like he might pull off the greatest upset in Strictly history.
Sadly for this show’s need to sell itself as unpredictable and exciting…it’s not enough and (after a genuinely terrifying group dance made up of 70s tv theme tunes played at double speed through a Nightmare Coil and SO MANY MONTAGES AND RECAPS) Caroline and Pasha win. It’s the first time in recorded history that the winning celeb is far more excited than the winning pro, as she cries and snots everywhere as Pasha looks his usual cheerful self. I, I who have been waiting with increasing impatience for Pasha to win something since he got WUZZROBBED by Sabra Johnson on So You Think You Can Dance in 2007? Somewhere in the middle of the two.
Oldest female winner ever, and the one who resets the gender balance at 6 winners of each sex. Where to from here? I say…YEAR OF THE BIDDY 2015! #anitadobsonsrevenge