Judges Pick : MARK’S CHA CHA! FRANKIE’S SAMBA! SIMON’S CHARLESTON! A THING CAROLINE DID! All dances that got the nation talking, debating, clapping along or booing furiously. Forget Simon’s Viennese Waltz, Caroline’s American Smooth, Frankie’s Waltz or Mark’s Amerian Smooth – dances where we could maybe see and appreciate obvious improvement based on accrued technique or corrected mistakes. Forget Simon’s Quickstep, Caroline’s Jive, Frankie’s Tango and Mark’s…Jive(?) – exciting showstoppers that the couples themselves have neglected to pick which the judges might theoretically have nonetheless preserved for the country to see again. THESE ARE THE DANCES THAT WE ALL WATCHED THE FINAL OF THE UK’S BIGGEST TALENT BASED REALITY SHOW TO SEE! CRUMMY PARTY LATIN!
Well I presume you did, I was checking my nails throughout. None of this next year please.
Frankie & Kevin : Grasping the opportunity of there being absolutely no other traditional ballroom appearing in the final with both hands, Kevin seizes the day and produces a tribute to FRED N GINNNNNNNNGE, to Get Happy, complete with quickstep, foxtrot, and jumping up and down on benches. It’s rather sweet, and well danced, but expecting Frankie to scale the heights of Judy Garland’s brand of pep is…perhaps misguided. The judges like it, except Craig, who calls her a horse.
Mark & Karen : Run around aimlessly, miming, dressed in cricket-whites for some reason, to “Don’t Stop Me Now”. It’s not…erm…any good at all really, but they do plant a flag in new territory for Strictly, making use of the non Claud-9 affiliated balcony to …well…run around on as fireworks go off. The judges tell you to please to vote him out now please, they’re done saving his arse.
Caroline & Pasha : Produce, after far more crying than is strictly necessary from Caroline about how Pasha has CHANGED HER LIFE AND HER VAGINA FOREVER, a highly emotive (like, Dr Hamela is looking at this and saying “…a little much luv”) waft-and-spasm-and-menstrual-cramp along to Angels by Robbie Williams. Snowdance done right basically. Your opinion of it will…probably depend on whether you think Snowdance Done Right could ever be worth doing. The judges adore it, except Len, blatantly, although he makes nice and claps along and gives it a 10 like everyone else does.
Simon & Kristina : STRIP! ORF!
It feels like Mark is maybe done, rooted as he is to the bottom of the leaderboard with a wk 1 cha cha and a crummy showdance as everyone else goes at the glitterball all guns blazing but…stranger things have happened. Not much stranger, admittedly…