More shocks than a Latvian-made hairdryer!
We begin with…
ZOMG IT’S PITBULL!
Not really, it’s Bruno rocking the decks to start a 1970s themed pro-dance, set in Studio 69. As we approach the end of this series of Strictly, I feel like this pro dance is very much surveying the field of our most recent winners, before we crown a new Queen (or King, you know, I guess, theoretically) Of The Ballroom. Like Abbey’s nost noted dance it’s
Disco Latin; it features
Louis Smith; it’s very showmantic, like Kara & Artem; like Chris Hollins’ Showdance it prominently features a
right tit, and to be honest I’m spending most of it imagining Harry Judd. The story is that Aliona is a poor little abadoned wallflower who nobody will dance with until Louis bursts in and “He’s The Greatest Dancer” starts up, and he picks her to dance and then everyone else is WEWL JEWL and then it’s
To be honest, expecting me to focus my attention on the romantic travails of Aliona Vilani when this routine also features Anya, Natalie Lowe pulling bitch-face in skin-tight jade leggings
and Iveta futilely trying to bend as much as Joanne Clifton can bend
was always going to be something of a fool’s errand.
The band strikes up again, and from the wings emerge Tess
who appears to have got some BAD DRUGS from DJ Mussolini back there. That is a woman in the middle of a bad bad trip. Once they’re out, they welcome us to our semi-final results show and say what a delight it was for them personally to welcome back Louis Smith, just to remind us I guess of what a boring one-sided final we easily could have had in comparison to the one coming up. Just in case you didn’t get enough of Louis there he’ll be back for the Christmas Special along with MISCELLANEOUS OTHERS. Well that sounds like a tightly-fought competition already. Anyway, tonight we will see the end of our final eliminee, and making the decision as to who becomes the 7th person this series to be eliminated in a dance-off by an eventual finalist will be
these four. Yes, Bruno won a Darcey on the hook-a-duck and now he’s taking her home with him.
Also tonight will be our last Len’s Glans (thank God…) and also time for our annual performance from PALOMA FAITH. Seriously, she didn’t appear at all last series. What on Earth was going on there? First though : Your Week In Greg
Here’s hoping his girlfriend doesn’t even up giving birth again next week like she did last year THE SELFISH COW. It’s going to be a long enough final as it is…
Now? Time for your final Safety Sex-Faces Of The Series
Voting will start as soon after this recap goes up as I can feasibly cobble all the pictures together. GOOD LUCK EVERYBODY! What an awful time for Kevin to find out that this was Earth all along though. First in danger out of the remaining men is
this chap, leaving Simon and Jake to await their fate as the other putative bottom 2ers. Now people have said it was mean of them to make Simon wait like this again but…maybe if he hadn’t have been in the Bottom 2 so many times it wouldn’t be so deliciously dramatic? It’s his own fault really. Once they’re over at Tess, Mark gives a speech. He also tells Tess that for the dance-off they’ve chosen the rumba, because when he said he wanted to do the Viennese Waltz, Karen squawked “WHAT, SO YOU’RE SAYING I *DID* LET YOU DOWN?” and started crying again until he changed his mind. Women. Well, that or “we both really loved it” or some such other twaddle. Tess asks Darcey if she thinks Mark has made the right choice, and she’s all “yeah sure, whatever, make the magic happen and stuff” as though there’s any chance of her saving him over either Simon (who she is in deep with) or Jake (who she told the press this week that she wanted to win) (CURSE OF DARCEY!).
Up to Claud 9 now where Frankie is
telling Kevin that no, really, his screaming gave her tinnitus, well done, that’s the Glitterball down the drain. Claudia congratulates Caroline on getting the first 40 of the series and also on reaching the final. Caroline says that yes, it was a real double whammy for her but THERE’S JUST ONE THING MISSING *hearty SLAP of Pasha’s thigh*. Claudia reminds Pasha next that this will be his third final and Pasha’s all
“thanks for reminding me! I didn’t win any of them!”. Oh man, I’ve been preparing myself all series for the sight of Pasha becoming the first man ever on this show to lose in three finals, and I don’t think I’m ready even now. Claudia next turns to Kevin and tells him that his reaction was fantastic. Don’t encourage him Claudia. Kevin runs over quickly, again, some more, about how anybody can go home and how Pixie/Thom/even Gregg Flipping Wallace probably leaving really showed that the competition is wide open. Claudia then gives Kevin a Strictly FACT – he is the only professional dancer never to have been in the dance-off.
You know, of the current line-up. Jared Murillo was never in one.Technically speaking. At this reveal Caroline
does this at him, which feels a bit mean. Let the man have his record Caroline, there’s no need to bring that into it. Kevin says it’s all down to his fabulous partners, blah blah blah. Old biddies for both of these two next series please, I’m bored. MAKE IT THE YEAR OF THE BIDDY!
Oh she’s not even wearing anything mental, that’s no fun. Well, at least, not by her standards. She’s here to do that up-tempo pop dance song she leant her voice to, which doesn’t really sound like anything else in her ouevre, but hey ho, it got her a number 1 right? She’s singing the whole thing like she’s got a mouth full of peanut-butter and doing a funny little dance, that will hopefully put paid enough to the “SHE’S A RINGAH!” stuff keeping her from competing because…it is ALL KNEES. At some point Janette runs on and
sits on Aljaz’s face, Aljaz makes as if to
wear her, like a hat, and Paloma
gives it gangsta hand down the camera. Such excitement.
Looks like rain again.
Next up, it’s time for our final Len’s Glans of the series.
And how many more things do you think they have left to do with his face at this bit now? It’s getting to be like when the Simpsons Couch Gags stopped making any sense and just started being the entirity of Ke$ha songs or post-modernist think-pieces by underground cartoonists that go on for 5 minutes. First to be covered is Len’s choice – a reviewing of Kristina and Simon doing the Reverse Wave *settles in* *gets popcorn*.
Fascinating. Len says that this is the sort of thing our mere mortal eyes probably missed, but as he’s a “foot man” he picked up on. TMI Len. WAY too much TMI. Darcey follows, talking about how Frankie’s rumba was a sweet rumba, which is a valid choice but which frankly doesn’t get her nethers going. Whatever Darcey, if it was Simon dressed up in uniform being all commanding you’d be banging your shoe on the table and howling at the moon and on Christmas Day your kids would find all their Action Men missing and your bathroom door locked. Bruno just goes on to say that he gave it bonus marks for being “different”, which I guess is our theme this series. Who cares if it was good? IT WAS DIFFERENT!
Next up Claudia has a present for Craig
because he gave out his first 10 of the series. This was of course given to Caroline’s salsa, and we go over how Craig said that it was ONLY ALRIGHT and then he gave it a 10 and that was the BIGGEST SURPRISE EVER unless you have FUNCTIONING BRAIN-CELLS. We close on a montage of the judges dancing on at the start of each show, set to Blurred Lines. Imagine something you want me to recap for you less I DARE YOU. EVEN “I WANNA MARRY HARRY!”.
Time now for our…well not Safety Sex-Faces, because there’s only the two people stood there. Doomy Misery-Face. Unsafety Went-A-Bit-Floop-Midway-Through-And-Gave-Up-Face
Poor Mrs Jake. Special credit at this point must also be given to Kristina’s amazing
wobbly lower-lip and Lady-MacBeth-hands work. I can’t wait for that Finals Meltdown, whatever form it takes. Once Jake and Janette are over at Tess, Janette squeaks out that she and Jake are so lucky to have not faced the dance-off before now, and Jake
sttares off forever. Tess asks them which dance they’re going to be doing, and how I wish Jake would say
“well clearly we WERE going to do cha-cha, but given that Len’s in charge and Weepy Wrighty over there’s reprising Contempotwonk we’re going to be doing our traditional Viennese Waltz instead. Dressed like this. When A Man Loves A Rhinestone”. But he doesn’t. Tess asks Craig what Jake should do. WHY HAVE WE ASKED, IN BOTH INSTANCES, THE ONE JUDGE WHO DEFINITELY ISN’T GOING TO SAVE THE CONDEMNED MAN? Craig says that Jake should just GO OUT AND PERFORM IT AND BE THE FANTASTIC ACTOR THAT YOU ARE yadda yadda. When Craig starts giving Len’s notes, you know somebody’s doomed.
Back to Claud 9 now and
no, yes, if I was Claudia in this situation I’d want back up as well. She could easily explode at any moment.
Genuinely terrifying. Claudia jokes that Simon didn’t seem to realise that he was through until Kristina screamed it directly up his nose. He does seem to be a bit…delayed in these circumstances. If he wins, I would imagine we’ll see his reaction somewhere midway through the Xmas Special. Russell Grant will be doing his cha cha dressed as a Christmas Pudding and we’ll just hear “HOLLLLLLLLLLY SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIT!” somewhere from the audience. Kristina sighs that this is her second final in seven years and she thinks it’s going to be her LUCKY SEVEN. Oh Christ, can Kristina and Pasha not both win? I’m going to need therapy for all the heartbreak.
WHAT, IT’S CHRISTMAS, I’M ALLOWED TO GO SOFT. DON’T WORRY, I’LL MAKE FUN OF DARCEY’S NOSE AGAIN IN A MINUTE, HOLD ON.
Next we get a VT about how it IS THE FINAL AND ANYBODY COULD WIN IT ETC ETC HOW EXCITING before zooming back to consort with our
two men in the dance-off. Claudia asks Jake if he’s nervous. I…don’t think that’s likely Claudia. I don’t think Jake does nerves. Or givinadamn in general. Indeed he just says that he’s lucky to have got this far, and it’s tough to be in the dance-off against someone who’s such a great mate. Mark
acknowledges that he is, indeed pretty great. And then gives a little speech. Hoo boy his wedding is going to be fun isn’t it? Karen then also gives a speech, about how proud she’s always been of Mark from his first dance, to this, if it is indeed his last dance. Mark pips up “it’s not gonna be!”
And he is right. Fiddlesticks. YEAR OF THE MAN (BEING CONSTANTLY SAVED BY THE JUDGES!) Marks gasps, Karen gapes, up on Claud 9
Aljaz pokes Kevin in the eye because his bird knocked Aljaz’s bird out the competition apparently, Mark for some reason gets to give another speech (NO), Tess pulls this face
like some sort of Sincerity Graveyard, and then Jake does his best to dredge up enough emotion to match this gushing wellspring of reality tv guff and comes up with
“not bad for a dad of 42”. I am dreading what that wallchart is going to look like in the morning. Whole lot of black felt-tip I’m guessing.
The show’s quest for an over 40 winner…continues.