Not even a cameo…
Roisin’s Slow Morph Into Dr Leah Continues
She’s about 40% of the way there, but the VOLOOMINUS HURRR is the hardest part. Trust me.
This leaves Phone Answering Wars stood at :
Mark : 2
Solomon : 2
Katie : 1
Sanjay : 1
Daniel : 1
Roisin : 1
Felipe : 1
Jemma : 1
Lauren : 1
Theoretically, of course, anybody remaining of The Final Five can still win, but you have to think Bianca’s out of the running really. She’s shown about as much enthusiasm for picking up that phone as she has for hiding her forehead. The disembodied voice told Roisin that candidates were required at Tate Britain, which Roisin ran off to tell the candidates
interrupting Solomon in the middle of filming his erm…second opus. You sepeculate who was helping him with his opus all you like. *tum ti tum* Obviously this meant that all the pre-task speculation revolved around paintings and art when really they would have been as good going “Catherine Tate once dated Jason Orange, Oranges Are Not The Only Fruit is a book about lesbianism, lesbians are also known as Scissor Sisters, the Scissor Sisters had a song called Laura, Laura Palmer was the murder victim in Twin Peaks, your task is to design and mass-produce a new bra” route.
MARK WRIGHT’S INAPPROPRIATELY HOMOEROTIC GAZE OF THE WEEEEEEK
Nuff said. This shot was followed by Sanjay snarking at Mark that he has the worst record(/smallest penis) in the process and Mark snarking back that it’s only the second worst (/smallest) after Daniel’s. This is what I believe is known as “tempting fate”.
*record scratch noise*
IF FELIPE IS GONE, WHO IS TYING SOLOMON’S TIES FOR HIM?!
Sweets For My Sweet, Sugar for Lordalan
The reason that the teams were summoned to Tate Britain was that it was founded by Sir Henry Tate, the sugar magnate. And this week’s task? To create premium puddins. These are like normal puddins but with some fruit or flower or anal gland of a beetle in them that you’ve never bleedin ‘erd of. Teams were conceptualise, cook samples of, brand, and then flog their puds to three retailers who Lordalan, in the finest of this show’s traditions, had laid on. This year those retailers were ASDA, Tesco and Waitrose. This left the teams with the dilemma as to how to focus their products. To Tesco, as the retailer with the biggest market share? To Waitrose, as the most obviously premium brand? Or ASDA for previously enthusiastically swallowing that absolute bollocks that Jim came up with in Series 7 about his biscuits being endorsed by the cast of Harry Potter? It was a tricky question indeed.
This was done ostensibly on the grounds that Lordalan has just noticed this second that the entirity of the rest of Tena City loathe Daniel with the heat of a thousand flaming suns all going supernova at the same time. Just now. Noticed this. That is, if you even buy that anything is done ever on this show with the aim of reducing conflict. (I would imagine it was actually done to ensure that the final showdown between Daniel and Mark is guaranteed to happen at interviews, but there we are, we shall see). Of course, as it transpired, not all has been rosy on Sumfin’ either, as the first words that Sanjay uttered when he was alone with Mummy and Markiavelli were “ZOMG I AM SO GLAD TO BE AWAY FROM THAT ROTTEN WHORE BIANCA AND HER ARSE-COVERING WAYS!” Or words to that effect. When I say “alone with” I of course mean
“also sat about a foot away from Kaen, who was sat there taking notes”. THIS WILL BECOME IMPORTANT LATER. Project Managers this week were Roisin and Katie, because the former’s business plan involves ready meals and the latter’s involves a restaurant. Also their battle last time was probably the closest fought scrap of the series so far, so why not let’s have a rerun?
Sumfin’ Battlelines Are Drawn :
Solomon : “I’ve got an idea based around British inspired cheesecakes for Summer”
Roisin : “OK, I think we could maybe have something like……TEASCAKE? Instead of CHEESECAKE?”
Daniel : “Guys, I think it’d be really great if the brand name had some sort of wordplay or pun based around the word tea?”
Roisin : “What did I literally just say?”
Bianca : “What about Tea Pot? That sounds fun!”
Roisin : “Ooooh that sounds nice! Let’s call it Tea Pot!”
Daniel & Solomon : “OMG DEY’S LESBIANS!”
Who would have thought that Daniel Lassman would be the one who provided the shot of testosterone needed for Sumfin’ to devolve into a Battle Of The Sexes? Bianca and Roisin basically spent the entire task calling Daniel and Solomon silly boys who couldn’t be trusted, whilst Solomon and Daniel repeatedly stuck their tongue down a V made between their middle and ring fingers and giggled inanely. Fortunately this childishness was briefly off-set on Day 1 by Solomon elbow-barging his way onto the branding and marketing team on Day 1 (as opposed to the “make the puddin” team) with the argument that he’s crap at cooking and doesn’t drink tea. This left Bianca and Daniel as a tea-based cheesecake manufacturing Dream Team, with Bianca swanking around London attending fancy tea-tasing parlours for research, talking about base notes of pastrami and what-have-you, whilst Daniel followed behind muttering it was all just tea to him. On the plus side “tea-infused cheesecake” does at least sound a bit luxurious unlike…well, what Tena City came up with.
Katie’s Just Wild About Saffron
That being “trifle with hibiscus in it, trifle with saffron in it, and trifle with yuzu (didn’t they sing “Nobody’s Diary”?) in it”. I don’t care what you tip in there, or even if you gold leaf the top of the bloody thing, trifle is not a Premium Puddin’. The key point of Katie’s trip to the kitchen was that, despite having been told to only use saffron sparingly, Katie chucked the entire of the kitchen supply into one saucepan until it looked like Julianne Moore had been trimming her pubes in the bath, and then prodded at it wondering why it wasn’t dissolving. You might argue that if she was running the restaurant from her business plan she wouldn’t necessarily have to be a great chef (*cough*YASMINASGREASYBLINIS*cough*) but you could equally argue that she should at least be a bit more careful about not setting herself up to look like such a nimrod. Fortunately for her, her efforts only rendered 1/3 of her team’s output inedible. Mark’s efforts in branding rendered all of it
covered in gingham and diseased spunk. For reference, the combined branding efforts of Roisin and Solomon resulted in this
Turns out Solomon is capable of good branding, even if he did spend the whole time snorfling to Roisin about how he’d really love to send a girl a gift of cheesecake through the post. Because it’d be really romantic.
Pitching Business (Sumfin’ Edition)
Robbed of the opportunity to be alone with Bianca on Day 1 by subordinate boys, Roisin stepped things up on Day 2 by coming out in a
POWERSUIT (you know, for Roisin) telling Daniel and Solomon that she and Bianca would be leading all the pitches, and if they went wrong at any point, then maybe one of Daniel and Solomon would be allowed to speak maybe. She tried to mollify Daniel by telling him that his style of pitching wasn’t bad, just…different. In that in the past it has involved saying that you wouldn’t personally be seen in public using the product, a brand of endorsement usually reserved for Joan Collins. Daniel seemed…vaguely accepting of this, which I guess can be his personal growth for the series. Or maybe he has to properly bed in to a team before he starts yelling about how everyone’s trying to stitch him up. Probably my favourite moment of the Sumfin’ Pitching Experience was when Daniel and Solomon rang Roisin up from one of those pointless “Product Feedback Sessions” that the show now uses to bulk these tasks up to tell them that they were stuck in traffic and wouldn’t be able to make the first pitch, and Bianca and Roisin were
DEVASTATED. Otherwise the pitches went about as you’d expect – Bianca and Roisin were quite dry but professional, whilst Daniel and Solomon occasionally chipped in when they got bored of being asked to stand at the back doing nothing.
Much to Roisin’s…delight.
INCIDENTAL CHARACTER BOYFRIEND OF THE WEEK
Will The Waitrose Man. Stern, but fair. And, you know, works for Waitrose. The premium end of the Incidental Character Boyfriend Market.
Pitching Business (Tena City Edition)
It’s sad that Daniel was ported over from Tena City this week, not just because the continued turmoil within their ranks would have livened up a slightly dry episode, but also because it meant that he didn’t get to witness karma coming in and smacking Mark in the face with a golf club. Katie having assigned herself ASDA, Sanjay Tesco, and Mark Waitrose, in a slightly more democratic system than the lesbotic dictatorship of Roisin Horgan, Mark then pulled his old trick from the Hot Tub task of asking the PM if he could be given the plum spot instead. And so it was that Katie acquiesced, and once again Mark was neatly placed to deliver his team glorious victory again. Except…
he choooooooooooooooooked. Big time choked. Choked like Jordan Poulton choking on his own business plan. Coughing and dry-throating and gabbling and eye-watering and choke choke choking. In front of Tescos. For anyone who has spent the last 10 episode itching for Mark’s glib, arrogant, overbearing self-confidence to get taken down a peg or two…well here it was. Whatever Claude does to him next week, I’m sure it won’t be as difficult to watch IN THE BEST POSSIBLE WAY as this was.
The clear highlight of the Results Boardroom was the rampantly trolling input of Nick and Kaen. After a fairly subdued series of gazing at fire escapes and muttering that maybe Mark had sort of maybe lied a bit about something or other, both of them decided to absolutely fuck with a member of the team they’d followed. In the case of Nick it was Roisin, as he enthusiastically endorsed Daniel and Solomon as key players in the team’s success, despite Roisin trying to absolutely minimise their input at every turn, as a key last minute ally in the team’s ongoing battle of the sexes. Kaen’s attack was even more spectacular though as she, sporting one of the most spectacularly malevolent
“I Am Stirring Just For The Sake Of It” faces I’ve ever seen, giddily recounted how Sanjay had slagged Bianca off apropos of nothing to Mark and Katie. Sanjay’s
“DID I, I DON’T REMEMBER!!!” reaction of course made it ten times worse. Otherwise the results boardroom was just Lordalan saying stuff like “GRAZIN CONSOOMER? WHAT LIKE A DONKEY OR SUMFIN?” and “HIBISCUS, DUN HE PLAY FOR DAT BARCELONA IN DA FOOTBALL FING?!” and let’s face it, that’s never fun.
Tena City got an order of 13,500 units from ASDA, 0 units from Waitrose, and 0 units from Tesco, for a total of 13,500 units
Sumfin’ got an order of 0 units from ASDA, 5,500 units from Waitrose, and 20,000 units from Tesco for a total of 25,500 units
SUMFIN’ WINS! The feedback was ultimately a litany of shame for Mark with the product’s branding constantly picked on, and his crummy pitch to Tesco named and shamed. As it was he looked doomed. Fortunately we have now arrived at the point in the process where no individual task really matters…at all, really.
SIDEBAR THAT I MAY HAVE ALLUDED TO ENOUGH TIMES ALREADY REALLY BUT LET’S PLOUGH ON ANYWAY
Remember in Week 2, when Lordalan gave that great big speech to Bianca and Solomon about how they shouldn’t have dodged being PM for the Wearable Tech task and their cards were marked and he really didn’t like how they dodged responsibility? And now they’re in interviews, with as far as I can tell Bianca having volunteered once all process and Solomon never having done it? And both seem to be in a good position to maybe win? LOL. (Let’s throw in Mark “only take the reins when Lordalan makes it obvious either I or Lauren have to do it NOW or else get fired” Wright whilst we’re at it)
On Her Macaroon’s Secret Service…Macaroonraker…Macaroonpussy?
The reward? To eat a load of macaroons on a boat used in the James Bond film (ooh) Tomorrow Never Dies (oh). The talk amongst Sumfin’ was mostly about how Solomon really looks like James Bond (BRB – dying laughing at the reaction I’m imagining in the Daily Express if someone called Solomon Akhtar was cast as James Bond. BRITAIN’S GREATEST ICON PLAYED BY A RADICAL MUSLIM!). Sadly the week’s theme of vague lesbian vibes was not furthered by Roisin honking “I’M BAMBI!” and then Bianca drawling “…and I’m Thumper” before kneeing Daniel in the nads.
A Picture Of Katie Looking Pissed Off To Fill Space And Possibly To Gloat A Little
Katie’s boardroom strategy was perhaps best exemplified by more or less the first words out of her mouth being that as soon as she got into the kitchen she threw herself in. Well it’s no wonder that (one of) her dessert range tasted so awful. But yes, Katie was no boardroom battler, as if last week’s “MARK DID EXACTLY THE SAME AS ME, SO HE SHOULD BE HERE INSTEAD OF ME!” didn’t suggest it already. It didn’t help that she somehow this week thoroughly demolished her own reputation as MARGINS QUEEN by throwing saffron around like Spanish confetti. I suspect the killer words were, though “I would like to open a healthy eating restaurant with you Lordalan…in Sunderland”
FIRED FIRED FIRED FIRED SO HARD THAT SHE WAS CATAPULTED BACK THROUGH THE GLASS DOORS AND DIRETLY INTO THE RECEPTIONIST, KILLING HER INSTANTLY. To be fair, beyond “you can really alwways justify firing the Project Manager just because they’re the Project Manager – if they don’t do anything wrong themselves, just say they let the team get out of control” the firing of Katie felt a wee bit spurious, although I guess that was always to be expected in a week where Lordalan was basically forced to do a Double Firing because oh wait…TOO MANY PEOPLE WERE CAST. Lordalan carried off firing one of the strongest task performers of the series with real aplomb though :
Katie : “I’ve worked in the restaurant business since I was 15 – as a waitress, as front-of-house, in the kitchens…”
Lordalan : “YEAH I DUN BIN TO MCDONALDS AS WELL DON’T MEAN I KNOW WHAT GOES IN THE BLAHDDY SPECIAL SAUCE INNIT YERRFIRED”
This meant that really the Final Boardroom didn’t come down to Mark turning viciously on Katie, scragging her and leaving Mummy in the bin, then dressing up as her for every remaining task like Norman Bates (nearly as much I’d hoped…) but instead Sanjay’s “business plan” being dissected, because Lord knows that needed doing before he could be fired. It turns out that Sanjay’s business plan was basically Grindr for gym goers, because Lord knows that the gay world could do with being a bit shallower. (It wasn’t actually explicitly sex-based ; it was just a generic “social network” for “all gym goers” but come on…). Mark was the most vociferous in dismissing it, leading to Sanjay unleashing both barrels on him, screaming “YOU HAVEN’T EVEN SEEN IT!” and “I’VE GOT FIVE REVENUE STREAMS BITCH, DON’T EVEN GO THERE!”. This in turn led to easiily the greatest moment of the Boardroom :
Mark : “I’m the only person in the process who’s never been brought back into the Boardroom”
Sanjay : “There’s been a few occasions when people thought you should have been” (Sanjay’s argument here – “loads of us have been bitching about you regularly” not really the best self-presentation after Kaen just pegged him publically as a Bitchy Betty)
Mark : “It doesn’t matter!”
Lordalan : “Why wasn’t he then?”
Sanjay : “Because he’s quite good at…”
Mark : “WHY ARE YOU JOINING IN MATE, I DIDN’T JOIN IN WHEN YOU WERE SPEAKING AND YOU WERE TALKING ABSOLUTE TRIPE MATE PANIC PANIC COUGH COUGH SWEAT SWEAT” *looks as shifty as is humanly possible*
Sanjay : “Erm…Lordalan just asked me a question?”
Sadly we never got to hear the answer. I suspect it wouldn’t have been a very good one because the only time he deserved to me in the Final Three the reason he wasn’t there was “because Daniel didn’t want to look like he was being a bitch” but still. Sadly, despite this spirited defence, Sanjay was fired, with Kaen giving him
hand-on-hip death glare t’s the whole time. People have said that Kaen’s vendetta against Sanjay this week was unprofessional. To those people I say “you try sitting through three hours of James singing The Wheels On The Buss, and you see how YOU feel about everyone involved for the rest of your life”.
Best Nick & Kaen Faces Of The Week
Like there was ever going to be any competition.
That Moment The Killer Breaks The Fourth Wall Before The Massacre
Meanwhile Back At The Ranch
Not a single person this week believed that Sanjay had any chance of coming back, a fact which Bianca made sure to underline heavily. Roisin seemed most devastated by the loss of Katie
actually running out to the Apprenticar and checking under the seats to make sure she wasn’t hiding. I can’t qutie believe it either but, you know…not complaining…
Next Week :
HE’S BACK! (and unfortunately so is Claudine…)