PUT THE TOWEL DOWN ERIN, HE’S COMING!
In professional news :
Tristan is pretty and from Ireland. He’s dancing a pro-ballroomy-thing to “Danny Boy”. Presumably this is the big push to show why Tristan deserves to come back as a pro next year, when really all you need to say is “he’s pretty and from Ireland”. This show’s never been run as a meritocracy after all (*cough*WHERE’S MY ANYA GONE?*cough*). Aliona joins him for a bit
whilst Anton, Iveta, Aljaz and Joanne fluff around them at the back, sadly not dressed as leprechauns munching on a bowl of Lucky Charms. I guess *SOME* countries get to keep their dignity more than others. As the routine is quite dull (sorry, fans of “Danny Boy”/”You Raise Me Up On Quaaludes”) I find myself wishing Around The World Week had briefly gone to Lithuania for a face-off between Katya and Iveta. Iveta’s gang could be dressed in hip-hop wear with massive hoop ear-rings, and Katya’s gang could all be wearing hats, and it could be like a high-fasion West Side Story on the streets of Vilnius.
Sorry, where was I? Oh yeah, the inevitable appearance of Riverdance.
I’m taking this as a special hidden message to Ian Waite. Maybe they really love his wand. But don’t we all? They do what Riverdance always do, which is form a line and
slam their feet into the ground to the tune of “Lord Of The Dance” and it’s all so exciting that the judges have had to go off for a bit of a lie-down by the looks of it. Maybe they’re celebrating Around The World Week by putting their Chinese order in early. DARCEY BAGSIES ALL THE PRAWN CRACKERS, YAH?
The music strikes up, and out come Claudia and Tess again.
Wardrobe apparently having needed a large triangle of pink fabric at short notice and not cared too much where they got it from. Maybe they cut a routine where Around The World Week visited Germany, and Robin Windsor DID NOT HAVE A HAPPY TIME. Tess asks us all to give it up to the cast of Lord Of The Dance (I could tell you a story, but I won’t…) and reminds us that last night the seven remaining celebrities danced AROUND THE WORLD (/Europe And Bits Of The Americas) to impress the judges, and piss off any Dutch people watching by the sounds of it. Sadly, only six of these couples can move on to next week and the decision as to who to off will lie in the hands of these four.
Bruno’s trousers look more and more like a Christmas present that’s been wrapped by a 5 year old every week don’t they? Also joining us this evening will be SmugFace Rieu and his Stepford Orchestra and Len’s Glans.
Around The World Week having just reached the shores of Pantodameia.
BUT FIRST, YOUR WEEK IN GREG!
Why were the backstage staff not appropriately dressed for, say, a Swedish sauna? IT’S AROUND THE WORLD WEEK DAMNIT, NO SLACKERS.
Sadly there’s no “That’s Claudia!” this week – maybe she had an interview scheuled in with Pixie’s boyfriend but his cheekbones became so huge they atually covered his mouth up, who can say? – so we’re right into a truncated round of Safety Sex-Faces.
So truncated. Our first couple in danger is therefore,
these two. They wander over to Tess and Mark gives a little speech about how he never expected to get this far and when he started this show he couldn’t dance and he’s really worked his hardest every single week to find slightly new ways of saying exactly the same reality show bollocks every time he opens his mouth. Darcey
looking more bored than any human I’ve seen on this show in quite some time, is asked what Mark should concentrate on, going into the dance-off. Trying to find a new fifteenth nan? Getting Michelle up the duff? Doing a salsa? Darcey instead says that he needs to work on making sure one move is completely finished before moving on to the next one. That is…actually useful dance-off advice, for the first time this series. Has someone been at her tea?
Up to Claud 9 now, and a very Murder Mystery Party feeling group of people.
I think Simon and Kristina dun it. And the murder as well. Claudia asks Caroline if she’s recovered yet from topping the leaderboard. What with her quickstep? You’d think so. (Fun Fact : nobody who’s been eliminated so far has topped the leaderboard. Everybody remaining after this episode has. EXCEPT MARK. In case you’re looking for patterns or owt). Caroline turns to Pasha and mews a little about how she lost her confidence after last week. Pasha
is still not wearing a shirt. Claudia then turns to Simon as Caroline briefly wonders
whether she should tell Pasha about who cut Rachel Riley’s brakes. NOW THERE’S A CONUNDRUM FOR YOU, NUMBERS BITCH!
Claudia asks Simon if he ever expected to emerge triumphant like this from his DANCE-OFF HELL and Simon recounts how he was sure at the time he was a gonner. It is pretty salutory to think that at the time the audience was very split over whether to keep him or let Thom try for that journey arc he looked like he was starting. Simon then blithers on thanking everybody from Kristina down to the tea-boy for delivering him from mid-series boot ignominy as his daughter
wonders if he’s ever going to flipping shut up. Claudia then just ploughs on asks Kristina if, in all her many many many many many many years in the competition (lol, BACKHAND) she’s ever known it to be this tight.
I’ll just leave you to sit and think of a punchline for that one.
Next up : SmugFace
and Gay-Porn Dec
yell their way through the 3rd place Eurovision finisher of 1958. Not even for Natalie Lowe guys
I’m sorry. (*fast forward*)
Back to Claud 9 now, for the inglorious return of Len’s Glans.
Len’s just pointing to where our new pro’s coming from next year. LIECHTENSTEIN! Excitin’. We start with some very exciting footage of
Simon’s feet. If you’re one of those people who complain the show is ruined by that STUPID NEW-FANGLED CAMERAWORK WHERE THEY TRY AND MAKE THINGS LOOK EXCITING AND DYNAMIC IT NEVER USED TO BE ABOUT THIS IT USED TO BE ABOUT THE PURITY OF DAHHHHNCE. (For reference have a look at the AMAZING CAMERAWORK from Series 1. Try not to laugh at any of the following : when the camera gets stuck behind a curtain, when Brenda & Natasha are projected onto a giant glitterball at the beginning, when they both spin round in a circle twisting their heads around like The Exorcist and the camera shoots up to the ceiling like we’re a passing pigeon, the ending CRASH-ZOOM on Brendan rotating Natasha around like a cake display for about 20 seconds) (FIRST 10 EVAH!). Anyway, erm, yes, Simon. He feet did good.
Next it’s Darcey’s choice, and of course she’s not going to let Pixie’s balletic sucking-up go unnoticed. We examine Pixie’s turning in minute detail although
if you are not entirely focused on Trent at this precise moment, then you are doing it wrong. Craig follows this up with us all leading a Five Minute Hate against
THAT BINT WHAT DUN JAKE BAD IN THE GREEKYTINE TANGO. Claudia gets very stern indeed and snaps that Jake did NOT bump into somebody else, somebody else bumped into HIM. Yes and I bump into the tits who decide to just stop at the bottom of the escalators at Euston Station every time I’m there, doesn’t mean it’s my fault. This poor woman is apparently a contestant from So You Think You Can Dance : Netherlands, and therefore probably a secret agent operating on behalf of Team Stoner, let’s face it. (Suggested female SYTYCD contestants who actually can dance Ballroom and could save the franchise’s tattered reputation : aggro Political-Science Geek Goddess Ashleigh DeLillo, Goofy Mormon Bobblehead married to a man about four times her age Heidi Groskreutz, robbed Russian hard-ass Faina Savich, Asian Sensation Asuka Kondoh, Anya GarnOH NO WAIT YOU CUT HER FOR NO GOOD REASON, I MOMENTARILY FORGOT) (not Chelsie Hightower though BLECH).
(Oh and somewhere in here Craig gets Jake’s American Smooth mixed up with his Tango and nobody bothers to edit it out not that all his ballroom dances are a bit of a mush-mush or anything)
(Oh and somewhere in here Claudia asks Len if the backing dancers are going to be back next series because “some people on social media don’t like them” and Len says “I don’t blahddy know”. Paraphrasing here. At least they’re acknowledging that a sizeable chunk of us would rather just watch the two people we’re voting for rather than the entire cast of Cats)
We close on the one good reason for backing dancers
GORDANA. Especially now that they’re not employing Lovely Shem And His Canary Budge-Smugglers any more. Look at the fun she’s having. What a star. Also Pasha is still very much not wearing a shirt.
Next up : an announcement as to next week’s gimmick. Forget the Swingathong, we’re going to have a WALTZATHONG. All six couples will take to the floor at once, and dance a waltz, and be eliminated by the judges one by one, with 1 extra point going to the first losers, 2 to the second loser, and so on up to 6 points for the winner. Based on when this happened in Series 7 (ALI AND BRIAN) you will get bonus points for crashing into other couples. The judges will decide the elimination order by shutting their eyes and pointing. The only exception will be made if, like Holly Valance in Series 9, you actually pass out from exertion halfway round. Then they’ll let you off.
Time now for our Second Round of Safety Sex-Faces :
Only five more til the final, can you believe it? Hopefully as few of them as possible are of Kevin, who has taken to diving out of shot the second their name is called with a vengeance. I’M ON TO YOU, CLIFTON. Anyway, we’re left with the question (and I use the word advisedly) of whether Sunetra or Jake got a higher public vote off the back of a 5 from Craig.
Whaddasurprise. As soon as they’re over to Tess, she’s barely got a question out before Sunetra Scouses out “I’ll be honest Tess, it doesn’t come as a galloping shock to me”. Tess’s INTERVIEWTRON5000 facade
briefly wobbles at this complete lack of giving a shit. Sunetra goes on to say that she’s just sorry to be putting Brenda through this again. Brenda grinning his face off harder than even if he’d just won the entire series pats Sunetra on the shoulder, tells her that he’s done this plenty of times before don’t you worry, and start liberally applying himself with suntan cream. (Fun Fact : This dance-off gives Brenda the record for most dance-offs competed in by a pro, with 9. And only 7 of those were with Lisa Snowdon)
Anyway, Tess asks Bruno if he has any advice for Sunetra in the dance-off, and he tells her to try to capture the “Cuban Motion”. Is that what happens when you have some dodgy boliche? Whatever it is there needs to be “persistance in the lower body”. Yeah, I’ve had that.
To Claud 9 now, where we find Pixie sat
as though she is actually sat on the lav. And maybe she is. Claudia asks Jake if he’s relieved to be safe and he says that he is, especially as a dancer crashed into him, not that he wants to go on about it or anything. He also thinks the competition is hotting up because “we’re all great dancers left now”. You know…you can go off a person. Claudia asks Frankie if she’s looking forward to the Waltzathong as she loves ballroom so much and Frankie says that she is, although she’s a bit peeved because she hasn’t done waltz since Week 1.
IT’S! A! WALTZ! It’s not flipping brain science.
Claudia asks Pixie to say that no-one’s safe.
Pixie says that no-one’s safe, with her eyes bugging out like Trent’s outfit is giving her major brain-fry just out the corner. Nobody’s finest hour this Claud 9 I don’t think.
Next up – a plug for It Takes Two which features Zoe ringing up all her regulars and asking if they’re free to come in. This segment would be a little more convincing if
they even bothered to hide that Ian was sitting in the It Takes Two studio as it was being filmed. Either that or he lives there. Actually let’s not contemplate the potential tragedies inherent in that scenario and just move on shall we? Let’s.
Back to Claud 9 now and
if you thought “who got more public votes – Jake or Sunetra?” was an obvious question, Tess starts this segment by asking who is desperate to get to the quarter-finals. Hmmmmm, let me think. Sunetra tells Claudia that she knows only too well that she’s been in two dance-offs and survived (not that Brenda keeps on reminding her, whilst accidentally stamping on her feet or anything) and her mum raised her not to be too greedy, so she’s happy to leave here to be honest. Brenda then tells everyone present to go out and give it their best shot. Alright dad. Those trousers aren’t helping much either. Mark gives a load of gab about how this has been the best year of his life, and he doesn’t want it to end yet. Well it probably won’t end for another month yet hun, don’t worry.
The dance-off happens (with Brenda sprinting across the floor to Mark afterwards as soon as it finishes yelling “NAILED IT, MATE!” at him) (oh Brenda) and then
Brenda and Sunetra are so keen to fly off out of there that the editors don’t even bother putting up the third glitterball that saves Mark and Karen. I’ve seen the North Korean Government bury people with more decency than this. Sunetra thanks everyone who told her to do the show and says she’s had the time of her life, as Brenda stands there all but tapping his foot a la Sonic The Hedgehog. She thanks Brenda, her voters, and all the other contestants, and then Brenda tells her that hesveryproudofher like he’s in a speed-talking competition then yells
IT’S THE BEST DAMNED SHOW ON TELEVISION DAMNIT (GIVE ME A MODEL NEXT TIME OR I’M FRICKING WALKING!)