Make your own joke about the title of this episode. It will inevitably be exactly the same as the one I would have.
This Week’s Phone Answering Wars Champion, A Contest That Exists Only In My Head, And Amuses Only Me
Making the scores :
Mark : 2
Felipe : 1
Katie : 1
Sanjay : 1
Solomon : 1
Daniel : 1
Jemma : 1
Lauren : 1
This week’s bout of homoerotic subtext flirting bbetween Mark and James revolved around Mark asking to be allowed to join Sumfin’ and James telling him “NO, I DON’T WANT YOU ANY MORE!”
limping his wrist at him and waddling off wearing only a towel. Enjoy this session. It will be their last. At least until the final where they will spend the whole time giggling and doing “punch buggy red” in the back of the Apprenticar whilst Katie looks harassed and yells “BOYS WILL YUSS BEEHAYUVE – AM TRYING TO WIN CORTER OF A MILLION POUNDS INVESTMENT HEEYUH” at them and then they say “yes mummy…”. I’m also amused by the very idea that the producers would split Mark and Daniel up. That’s I guess the one upside of this series, where they’ve kept the teams as stable as possible (barring necessary changes to mix the genders and even teams up) – it’s allowed some dynamics to properly fester.
The State Of Gender Play, 8 Episodes In :
James : “LOL SO MUCH FOR GIRL POWER THEN!”
Bianca : “The girls that are left are blatantly the strongest ones though”
Sanjay : “Whatever, there’s still six BIG STRONG BOYS…” *mists over, dribbles a bit*
James : “Only one I think…”
Sanjay : *gazes at James like he’s cherry cheesecake and Sanjay is the spork*
The World’s Sassiest Statue
MMMM HMMMMM GIRL I DON’T THINK SO OH NO YOU BETTER DON’T!
Country Pursuits :
This week’s meeting place for teams was Chiswick House, on the grounds that the teams were about to carry out a countryside themed task and Chiswick House used to be in the countryside…until it wasn’t. Makes sense. Anywho, Lordalan has idntified that the “rural market” in the UK is worth £200,000,000,000 each year and HE WANTEE IN. Don’t think too much about what “the rural market” is – I suspect it means “any money spent on anything at all outside London or, at a push, Manchester (they do have city stuff there now I hear, although it is of course about 5 years behind). These teams though, were sent off to darkest Somerset to sell at a country show. The skeleton of the task was more or less the same as the caravan show task last year, except without Jason adorably bumbling around or Luisa utterly clowning Jordan and making his penis shrink literally back up inside his thorax. Pick one big ticket proven seller ; pick two smaller, more risky items that sell for about £20 a pop ; all fight it out with knives as to who gets to do the actual important selling job and who gets stuck on a piddly stall round the back selling tat that looks like it fell out of one of those plastic egg machines in cinema foyers.
BIG TROUBLE IN TENA CITY
So as usual on Tena City, even though everyone has now taken their turn as Project Manager and the dust has settled on the successes (Katie), the failures (Felipe, Mark) and the Daniels, there was still a fight over who got to PM. Katie wanted to PM because she’s really good at sales and negotiation, Felipe wanted to PM because he’s really good at organising and erm…organising, Daniel and Mark both gave their backing to Felipe,
MUMMY WASN’T HAPPY. But it’s not the Boardroom, so all her demons stayed within, bubbling. James was made PM for Sumfin’ with little opposition, other than Bianca offering some mild objections on the grounds that as James is a salesman he really should be focusing on sales. It’s alright Bianca, this time he’s going to spend the entire task trying to claim Roisin is tryin to undermine him. I know that there was a 50-50 chance it was going to be you, as the only other articulate woman on the team, but this week YOU ESCAPE. Something something balls on the line, James is made PM.
The Irrelevant Items :
This is a hanging chair. It automatically confers upon anybody who sits in it the title of “Nome King”.
This is a Gutter Robot. It runs down your gutters cleaning out leaves. So long as your gutter is exactly the right width to take it, and can bear the weight, and isn’t full of mushy sludge that jams the tracks up. It costs £250. Nobody wanted it, unsurprisingly, given that the only use I can think of it for is to retool it and use it in porn.
This is a “WEEHOO iGO PRO” (remember when product names weren’t just random syllables that sounded like some sort of secret language two of the Sugababes had made up to bully the other Sugababe?). It’s a bike trailer, with the added bonus of allowing the little tyke in the back to pedal futilely along with mum and dad, until you have to actually go round a corner and then the thing falls over and the kid breaks its arm.
This is a dog tracking device. Solomon thought it would be “really cool” to go pheasant shooting with. Solomon’s life eh? Wilikinis and duck hunts.
These are foldable wellies. Solomon succesfully identified that being foldable has left them incredibly flimsy. Felipe did not.
This is a bag made out of a hat. I think it’d really go with that dress made out of ties that you only bought off Chris Bates because you fancied him. Sadly, nobody this series is as blazingly hot as Chris Bates so…
This is a self-flushing cat box. Nuff said. Sanjay thought this was “like, a no”.
In the end, the Tena City Irrelevant Product team of Mark and Felipe opted for the flat cap bag and the bike trailer. The Sumfin’ Irrelevant Product team of Bianca, Sanjay andd Solomon opted for the dog tracking device and the bike trailer. BUT THEN…
James Wins Hearts And Minds Pt 1
Bianca : “Hi James, we’ve spent the last half-day doing research on these products, testing them out, and negotiating potential price reductions in the ones we really like and we, after careful consideration and much hard thought and graft, have decided on…”
James : “WE ARE DOIN THE WELLIES AND THE CHAIR BYE!”
Bianca : “but…”
The Relevant Items
This is a sit-on lawnmower which James is modelling there like he’s on Wheel Of Fortune. It costs about £4000.
Lawnmower Man : “I’ve been doing this for twenty-two years, it’s a family business”
James : “Sure”
Lawnmower Man : “People buy from us”
James : “Mmm-hmm”
Lawnmower Man : “each year”
James : “Uh-huh”
Lawnmower Man : “at the show”
James : “Yeah”
Lawnmower Man : “so”
James : “cool, yeah, cool”
Lawnmower Man : “it’s”
James : “great”
Lawnmower Man : “really”
James : “yeah, fantastic, I hear you, mm hmmm”
Lawnmower Man : “established”
James : “right, good”
Lawnmoer Man : “here”
*FUCKING SHUT UP JAMES*
This is a barbeque
Daniel : “So why I’m here today is that I’m really passionate about being passionate about barbequeing. I mean, I really think what we bring to the table at Tena City is passion about your brand and the passion of getting your brand out there, passionately, in a passionate manner, with as much passion as possible, because passion about brands is really what’s I’m all about, at least in terms of passion. I’m infected with passionate BBQ passion to be honest, like, I’m oozing passion from several crusty oozing passionate sores all over my passionate body, which is passionate only for your brand and your passion for that brand.”
BBQ MAN :
At this point, Katie took Daniel aside, politely, and told him to stop acting like he’s trying to persuade Lordalan not to fire him, and instead talk sense.
This is a hot-tub. Being sold by Anthony. Who James repeatedly called Derek. This was the product that both teams wanted, with Anthony opting for Tena City, on the grounds that if you have to pick somebody at least pick the team with listening skills. This makes
Derek-Anthony the Hot Tub King this week’s INCIDENTAL CHARACTER BOYFRIEND, because as I said during the Board Games Task, anyone who makes James
this angry and my bae Daniel
this happy, can come sit by me.
James Wins Hearts And Minds Pt 2
Roisin : “So we’ve probably got to tell the other team what happened then?”
James : “No Roisin, if I told them that we failed to get the hot-tubs they would lose all respect for me as a Project Manager, so what I’m actually going to do is tell them that I changed my mind about what product I wanted at the very last second, for literally no reason, and if they question why, I’m going to yell FUCK OFF at them.”
Roisin : “Leave me out of every part of this”
James : “Hi guys, you know how I said we really wanted the hot tubs on the phone to you earlier? Well actually I really wanted the lawnmowers instead”
Bianca : “But wh…”
James : “FUCK OFF STOP BEING NEGATIVE FUCK OFF LAH LAH LAH LAH LAH LAH LAH LAH LAH LAH I CAN’T HEAR YOU LAH LAH LAH LAH LAH LAH”
Bianca : “Well now I definitely respect him”
Sanjay : “guys…why are we stuck with James?”
Solomon : “effin James…”
(Please sir, wait til the cameras are off, nobody wants to see that sort of…animal husbandry on BBC 1). This wanton stereotyping is because, for once, the candidates acted maturely about being outside of the BIG CITY LIGHTS OF SOPHISTICATED METROPOLITAN LONDON (well…outside of one blast of “I’ve Got A Brand New Combine Harvester” from Katie…), so the show clearly felt it had to make up for lost time.
Daniel vs Mark (& Felipe) Rd Whatever I’ve Forgotten And I’m Not Sure I Can Count That High Anyway
Of course nothing in the life of Daniel Lassman can go well for more than two minutes at a time, so just as his victory as Project Manager was undercut by the rest of his team immediately lecturing him on what a shitty human being he was during the reward, so his delight at winning the hot tubs for the team and hopfully getting to sell them for massive personal profit, was dashed almost immediately by Mark asking Felipe if he could do sell the hot-tubs instead of Daniel, because Daniel sucks, and Felipe saying yes. The most heartbreaking moment of all this was it immediately following a shot of Katie and Daniel as an incredibly adorable subteam, Katie chirruping happily about how they were the best two to sell the hot-tub because they earnt it as a team of SUPERFRIENDS. Anyone want to guess how much Katie spoke up in Daniel’s defence to Felipe?
LOL. She could not hang that sucker out to dry fast enough.
(It’s testamony to Felipe that even in an episode where James set a record as the worst man-manager in the history of The Apprentice his own complete inability to present this decision firmly and logically is quite something. It takes him a good half-episode before he can even bring himself to say that Mark is a better salesman than Daniel, and even then he couches it as “I prefer his selling style”. Presumably because his selling style results in things actually being bought.)
Scenes From A Day’s Selling With Daniel & Felipe
Daniel : “Which of these bags should I use as a sample?”
Felipe : “Whichever looks best. What would you buy your girlfriend?”
Daniel : “A HOT TUB!”
Daniel : “Hi ladies, would you like to see these?”
Ladies : “Oh we’ve seen those caps already”
Daniel : “No you’ve NOT, BECAUSE THEY’RE NOT ACTUALLY CAPS, THEY’RE BAGS!”
Ladies : *minds blown*
Felipe : “Would you like to buy them?”
Ladies : *wander off*
Daniel : “ZOMG FELIPE STOP TRYING TO HORN IN ON MY PITCHES!”
Felipe : “WHATEVER, THEY WERE STANDING CLOSER TO ME?”
Daniel : “NO THEY WEREN’T!”
Felipe : “WERE!”
*flaily elbow cat-fight*
Daniel : “MARK’S JUMPED IN MY GRAVE FELIPE! HE’S GOT INTO YOUR BRAIN AND HE’S DOING IT!” (??!)
Felipe : “MY PENIS (/business) IS THREE TIMES THE SIZE OF YOUR PENIS (/business)
James wins Hearts & Minds Pt 3
James : “Hi guys, how are you doing?”
Sanjay : “Not well, the products you chose aren’t selling and we’re seeing a lot of DOGS AND CHILDREN *hint hint*”
James : “FUCK YOU STOP BEING NEGATIVE G’RARRRRGH”
James : “I’M FED UP OF ALL THIS NEGATIVITY ROISIN!”
Roisin : “To be honest if we want to talk about negativity, you’re the one doing all the sho…”
James : “NO I’M NOT BEING NEGATIVE YOU’RE BEING NEGATIVE AND YOU’RE PATRONISING ME WITH YOUR WORDS AND TRYING TO UNDERMINE ME DON’T THINK YOU’RE BETTER THAN ME YOU’RE NEGATIVE FUCK OFF AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH LAH LAH LAH”
So…based on the edit.
Sumfin’ Main Team – Roisin and James sold about as well as one-another, with James just pipping her on numbers, not that you’d know it from Nick slobbering all over Roisin’s calm measured informed accountant tones like she’s the second coming of Susan Ma in interview.
Sumfin’ Sub-Team – Solomon outsells Bianca who outsells Sanjay.
Tena City Sub-Team – It’s hard to tell beause they spend all day screaming at one another (imagine if the women had been as catty, negative, underminding, bullying, unprofessional, argumentative and manipulative as the men have been this series. We’d be so full of “WOMEN IN BUSINESS!” speeches they’d be spurting out our ears) but Daniel outsells Felipe. I think. Also someone on this brains-trust of a subteam appears to have made the decision to lead with the cap-bags which…I would not.
Tena City Main Team – Mark outsells Katie by a factor of 9 to 1, but let’s bear in mind here that he does this chiefly via having the wiggle-room to offer discounts on the hot tub, something that was won for him by Katie (and maybe Daniel, why not) when he and Felipe didn’t bother to think about getting room for discount on the Irrelevant Items.
The World’s Second Sassiest Statue :
Oh chile, I didn’t even know you was a bitch *kisses teeth*
So the deeply unpleasent highlight of the Results Boardroom for Tena City was Lordalan repeatedly calling Katie “mum” and “mummy” in reference to the three men on her team, implying that they spent the whole task asking her for advice and suckling at her business teats. Katie in no way got off on this at all, as you can see in the above picture. Of course “her boys” Felipe and Daniel in no way played into this by getting into an incredibly petty argument over whether Daniel had said that Felipe was a rubbish Project Manager or not, until she had to step in and break it up by telling them how silly they were and “apologise to your brother Daniel” and then gave them both a lollipop. (Lordalan of course felt the need to interject to clarify to them that his penis(/business) was bigger than everyone else’s in the room combined)
James Is A Lying Liar Who Lies
Obviously the highlight of the Results Boardroom for Sumfin’ was watching James skittering around frantically trying to keep the lie going that he DIDN’T GET THE HOT TUBS ON PURPOSE going in front of Lordalan and Nick and Kaen and singularly failing. Obviously it’s James behaviour that’s most compelling – slippery defensive huffy self-pity James’ raison d’etre but also of note are Roisin’s peevish “now tell the truth James” – like a girl who got one too many head-flushes at school for snitching and learnt better, and the reaction of the rest of the team
Bianca and Sanjay looking at Lordalan all “can you believe this dope?” with Solomon looking directly at Roisin instead. Intriguing.
Sumfin’ sold £3598 of lawnmower and £1160 of sundries for a total of £4758
Tena City sold £30115 of hot-tub and £500 of sundries for a total of £30615
Not really much of a surprise was it?
This week’s reward? To be taught boxing by Olympic Bronze Medallist, Big Brother fourth placer, and posessor of a sensitive mouf Anthony Ogogo. It was mostly an excuse for Daniel and Mark to punch things really really very hard whilst yelling the other’s name. In the end Anthony declared Daniel the winner
and then this happened.
At Lordalan’s “I INT HURD MUCH FROM YOU ROW-SHEEN” prompting the stage was set for a final Boardroom of Roisin and James hurling the worst insults they could think of at one another. Roisin called James patronising, demeaning, difficult to work with, incapable of listening, lacking in attention to detail, prone to tantrums, a bad manager and desctructive. James called Roisin clever and rubbish.
Quite. As a sideshow to James’ blatant impending firing for having less impulse control than a laboratory mouse with its frontal cortex removed, Sanjay got liberally and quite nastily sprayed with “YOU DUNT DO MUCH” by Lordalan and in particular Nick, who sneered that as far as he was concerned, Sanjay was “Nameless” because his name didn’t feature in the reems of notes Nick found the time to take in between posing for “LOL LOOK WHAT NICK’S DOING NOW!” shots perched on top of a ride-on lawnmower and, I dunno, trying to milk a horse or whatever. I’d feel more sorry for Sanjay being this year’s recipient of Nick’s pointlessly spiteful wrath if he hadn’t so gleefully participated in the pile-on of SWEET DEPARTED EARTH ANGEL Jemma over exactly the same issue. Anyway, as you’d expect, James’ defence of himself devolved quickly into “I INT EVER BEEN IN EDUCATION I INT NEVER HAD A JOB ALL I WANT IS A MENTOR LORDALAN LIKE WHAT YOU COOLD BE I’M A GRAFTER” etc etch
and then he got fired with a “with regret” – this show’s equivalent of a pat on the head and a badge for participation.
This Week’s Best Nick & Kaen Faces
Mark’s Inappropriate Homoerotic Gaze Of The Week
Poor James. He’s moved on to Sanjay so quickly. That’s Mark’s real backstabbing in this episode, let’s be honest.
Next Week :
I eagerly await the explanation for these skeleton-related shenanigans.
(Yes, alright, James being Trigger because he kept on getting Anthony/Derek’s name wrong is a straight lift from Lordalan making a bad joke, but sometimes a candidate suits the status of being immortalised forever as one of Lordalan’s worst jokes)