INDIA! – The opening pro-dance is a Bollywood Number which manages to not be to Jai Ho for about 30 seconds then just gives in to the weight of gravity and Jai Hos all over the place with extra Jai Hos for dessert. JAI HO.
NETHERLANDS! – Pixie and Trent dance a DUTCHINESE WALTZ, whirling around with clogs, tulips and windmills and yet again Pixie is the star of the show whilst Trent farts around at the back with some Dutch boys. This feels…even less explicable in a ballroom dance than it did last week in a “latin”.
USA! – Mark and Karen are in Las Vegas with strippers (Mark) and showgirls (everyone else) for a YANKEE SALSA to Elvis Presley where Mark just does his In Da Club sex moves to camera for 90 seconds and we all discover why in that context he is Marky No-Moves.
BRAZIL! – Sunetra is a prostitute on the beach dancing the rumba to The Girl From Ipanema and looks about as comfortable throughout as you would doing the same thing. The judges absolutely murder her and she looks like he’s going to cry. But in a real human way, not a Mark Wright “oh is the camera on me now?” sort of way. What a happy ending. (You know, unless she doesn’t go home) (LOL)
TURKEY! – Caroline does easily the best dance of the week with a Turkish bazaar themed Charleston, although even then Wardrobe have sent a sleeper agent to DESTROY HER in the form of Pasha’s fez which flies off his head and runs straight for her feet like a horny pug-dog until Pasha hoofs it off (my hero!)
AUSTRIA! – Simon is literally the only person to get an appropriate theme this week, dancing a Waltz dressed like the Austrian Military to Edelweiss, and it’s so palpably unfair that I don’t care how good his technique was (I didn’t think it was that good) or how many 10s it got (too many) or how it was danced to Edelweiss (OH WAIT I DO CARE, BECAUSE EDELWEISS SUCKS, VOMIT OFF) I didn’t like it.
USA! AGAIN! – Frankie jives in high heels on an actual surfboard that FLIES IN FROM THE ROOF like what sort of S Club 8 Arena Tour realness and we all stop caring and praying for this week to end.
GREECE! – Remember when we all thought an Argentine Tango to a Greek theme was the worst idea ever? IT TOTALLY WAS! Jake spends an entire VT learning how to smash a plate and then doesn’t even do it in the actual routine, just shouts OPA a lot and crashes into backing dancers and actually I think starts twerking in an Argentine Tango and oh God this Theme Week could actually have worked but not like this make it die
So yeah. All that happened.