Strictly Come Dancing 12 – Week 9 Results

Claudia’s still back, and that’s all that matters.

We open with our pro routine for the evening, centred around dogged policemen and a particularly villanous female robber.

JUSTICE FOR AUSTIN! LOCK HER UP! Oh ok, not really :

Iveta, Natalie, Aliona and a fleetingly returned Anya are a nefarious band of sexy criminals and Anton, Aljaz, Robin and Tristan are a bunch of dopey cops. As Boss Cop Anton is

wielding a truncheon. He doesn’t, and Thank God, use it half as suggestively as Iveta did, in that routine that I will not link to because you’ve all seen it 5 million times before. The evil lady criminals escape via

biting and then do some latin titting around “getting the better of the cops” and if you want a pithy summary of just how amazing this pro dance is not, then ponder on the fact that Joanne is also a sexy criminal, and the sum total of her role, as World Ballroom Showdance Champion, is to stick her head out the bins and

clang Anton round the head with a dustbin lid. Expertise well used there. There’s also been a lot in the press this week about how this routine features STRICTLY’S FIRST EVER SAME SEX COUPLES so of course

we get 5 seconds of entirely family friendly comedy “oops I appear to be dancing with a man by mistake guv’nor how embarrassing” that has no sort of real homosexual bearing whatsoever unless you consider it was probably the excuse that policeman used re : George Michael. Not quite the BOLD STEP TOWARDS FUTURE EQUALITY that launched a thousand Independent Online think-pieces then.

(I am now shipping Natalie and Iveta though)

(Oh and I can’t fit this Natalie Lowe face anywhere into the above write-up but it


Once the set-dressing has been removed, Tess and Claudia emerge, and thank Robin for coming back. Anya on the other hand is apparently chopped liver. Claudia then reminds us that last night 8 dancers performed their hearts out to stay in the competition. Given some of the faces on some of them, I think that’s celebrities and pros combined. Deciding who of them will stay, and who of them will go, on the basis of technicality ability, performance chops and apparently who it’s nicest to imagine swiffering them up onto a horse and riding off into the sunset with them are

THESE BUGGERS. I think it’s safe to say that if this segment ever had choreography, it’s gone now. After they’ve finished flouncing about like some hick wannabe model who’s about to get a right shoeing from Miss Jay about their runway walk, the camera cuts back to Claudia

a little too quickly, telling us all exactly via her face that she’d forgotten they did that. Also this evening, Len’s Glans and


But first : Your Week In Pictures Of Pasha Looking Supportive Because There Was No Greg.


Once that’s over with it’s time for the return of

“That’s Claudia!” now with Claudia Winkleman again. My favourite part of this week’s “That’s Claudia!” is how she utterly ignores Anthony Costa at all times. She asks Mary Berry who her favourite on Saturday night was, and Mary replies that it was Frankie because she looked so beautiful.

Kevin meanwhile is slowly morphing into The Head from Art Attack. Dave Myers meanwhile is asked whether he’s jealous over “his beloved Karen” dancing with Mark this year etc etc whilst I mostly focus on wondering

where Richard has stuck his pencil. Maybe Dave borrowed it to curl the ends of that stupid moustache around? And that was “That’s Claudia!”

Time again now for Safety Sex-Faces :

and our first couple in danger are :

these two. Is this going to happen every series now? Some more Mark Benton esque couple in the dance-off week after week until the judges finally let them go. Anyway, as a bonus, as the Safety Sex-Faces are dwindling, have a

Safety Smug-Face from Pixie. I feel like I should be photoshopping in Tweety Pie feathers into the corners of her mouth or something.

They wander over to Tess, who asks her if she feels sad to be in the dance-off again, and she shrugs that she’s been here before and she quite likes this waltz, so she’s fine with it. Let’s hope you’re fine with it next week, when you get eliminated dressed as Carmen Miranda doing a rumba to “I Go To Rio”. Tess goes to Craig for advice, presumably because if she asked Bruno he’d just tell her to nip round the back to Dr Hammie’s Discount Surgery And Life Coachnig and get a tit-reduction. Craig tells her she’s a beautiful dancer and the waltz really suits her and erm…well good luck!

Up to Claud 9 now where

THEY’RE HAVING A PARTY! I notice that putative Blue-Saturdays-Pixie hook-up that was mentioned at Blackpool doesn’t appear to have ever been mentioned again incidentally. Claudia asks Jake how he felt to get his first 10s on Saturday and he says that he was

*checks Jake-to-human facial expressions handbook* pleased. He goes on to reveal that next week, for Funny Forins Week, he will be dancing the Argentine Tango to Zorba The Greek complete with smashing plates. Presumably to drown out the sound of all the DAHNCE PURISTS sticking their feet through the tv. I have to say, there were better first dances to reveal to get be hyped up. Or at least I bloody hope there were. Claudia then asks Pixie, in a not all backhanded way, if she’s really smart enough to keep on learning new dances. Pixie’s all


As if the fun of Round The World Week had not been signposted enough, Claudia reveals that next week Simon will be doing the waltz in the Austrian hills. If it’s to fricking Edelweiss I’m getting a guest blogger in, I swear. STEVE! STEVEN!

Next up :

BARRY MANILOW! Apologies for the quality of the picture the…oh no, wait, that’s what he looks like now. For Round 1, he’s speak-singing Copacabana in the manner of an old Jewish lady recalling a dust-up at her hairdressers. Kevin and Karen provide physical accompaniment but the most beautiful moment of dancing comes when Barry

grabs an audience member, and forces his participation upon her. If you want to imagine the dancing in motion, visually, remember when Brucie puttered around with that runner who sprinted on to get Ramps’ mic unhitched from Karen during their salsa. It’s like that. But less so.

Kevin and Karen doing the horizontal mambo in the corner just can’t compete.

This Latin flair prompts a display of flagrant maraca-shaking from Len

as an opening to Len’s Glans with Darcey…being even more English than usual next to him. Claudia suggests that they eschew looking at slowed-down footage of not very interesting things entirely andd just all sing Copacabana and dance for 5 minutes. I would be all for this. There are not enough impromptu dance parties on tv these days. Please include Greg, The Man In The Hat, HAHT CAHP Iveta, Sophie’s Awkward Husband, Vicky Gill, Nancy Dell’Olio, Jared Murillo, Evil Moira Ross In A Rainbow Wig, The Blindfolded Dart-throwing Song Monkey, Gavin’s adorable kids and Frankie’s adorable kid, Alesha’s Nans, Dr Hamela’s husband Mayor McCheese, that Mummy I fancied in Series 9 Hallowe’en Week and Jive Bunny.

Instead we start, as we must, with Jake twerking

Darcey twerking

everybody twerking. The only thing that cheers me up re : all this twerking is that it’s happening in a series without Bruce. You just know he would have joined in. Len then justifies giving Jake’s samba a 10 despite it not being perfect by just saying “well it was better than Caroline, so what are you gonna do?”. Mark properly? As a suggestion.

Darcey is next called upon to play Bad Cop and explain why she only gave Frankie’s Viennese Waltz a platry 9. It was because of this :

appparently, when your toe turns in, you need to fish it and lift. Thanks for that Darcey. Len of course then gets a grump on about how VAT ROOTEEN WAS SO AMAZIN YOU SHOULD HAVE GIVEN IT A 10 DARCEY YOU RUDE CAHHH and Darcey so briefly but so perfectly

morphs into Sally Smedley that it quite takes my breath away. Darcey protests that when she sees something wrong, she just has to say so (*cough*AS LONG AS IT’S A GIRL*cough*)

Craig is up to discuss Simon’s “armography” next which looks much the same as any Spaghetti Junction interlude in any salsa ever did in slow motion, and we all remenisce about how Simon has been in the Bottom 2 twice and what a journey he’s been on since then. Craig beams that he got qutie carried away and gave him a 9 for the first time and Bruno grabs him and yells

“CRAIG’S GETTING A SOFTIE!”. Well he probably is now Bruno, yes. Finally we close on Bruno reliving Caroline’s slip in slow-motion and basically highlighting some more than when she does it in the final he’s giving it an 11 because the elements of contemporary it contained (UNLIKE EVERY SINGLE AMERICAN SMOOTH SINCE NATALIE LOWE INCORPORATED ACTUAL BIRD FLAPPING INTO SOMEWHERE OVER THE RAINBOW) made it really innovative and edgy. OK Bruno.

Time now for two more Safety Sex-Faces :

And there they go. I wish Kevin would stop jumping up and down so much. It’s almost as though he doesn’t want to participate. Anyway, yes, Mark is yet again on the verge of a crying jag

so let’s put him out of his misery

there we go. Never have two people looked quite so much like those little faces you make with your clenched fist and googly eyes and a bit of make-up. Just me?

Once Steve and Ola are over at Tess, Steve grins that there’s no shame in being the dance-off for the first time in Week 9. LOL take that Mark, Simon, Sunetra and Caroline. He’s in the REAL Top 4. He tells Tess that he spends every week cheering on Pixie, Jake and Frankie from Claud 9 then panicking because he realises that’s his competition. Tess asks Len if he thinks Steve can do better in the dance-off than that mess he made on Saturday Night, and Len replies that OF COURSE HE CAN TESS. Bit early for a Christmas Miracle isn’t it?

We zip up to Claud 9 now where we catch Frankie, Caroline, Pasha and Kevin mid-discussion. Almost as though

nobody wants to risk setting Mark off isn’t it? Claudia wades in, all “YOUR ICKLE FACE!” like she’s stepping into an Angolan minefield sweeping for tear-bombs. Mark says that he is estatic and he wouldn’t wish the feeling you get when you’re left last to be picked on anyone. He then says that this makes being called out the best feeling in the wrld. Claudia undercuts this by asking if he thinks it’s a better feeling than when his girlfriend said yes to his marriage proposal and Mark’s all

“NO OF COURSE NOT HA HA, WE GOT WEW GOOD RATINGS FOR THAT ON ITV 2, IT WAS MEGA, HOLLY WILLOUGHBY CRIED AND EVERFYIN!”. Frankie confirms next that she and everyone else really do practice all the time between shows in case they’re in the dance-off BECAUSE THE MOST RANDOM PEOPLE HAVE BEEN IN THE DANCE-OFF AND YOU NEVER KNOW. Well I think Sunetra might have a fair idea now. We close on Caroline giving notice that

she is going to have PTSD from that stumble and knicker-flash forever and ever PashAmen.

Next up :

Thingy-Face oes a grave-robbing duet with Louis Armstrong so profoundly distressing that I’m not going to recap it. Well done Barry, you finally broke me. Here’s Shirley again.


Much better. It’s all so distressing that even the Comedy Around The World Week preview VT with the contestants “hilariously” mangling foreign tongues

seems comparatively harmless (also – the thought of Steve having to dance in clogs tee hee). Once we arrive back on the pre-dance-off Claud 9, Tess tells us that sadly only one of these couples will make it to Round The World Week.

Oh no! It was always Steve’s dream to get to dance an Argentine Tango to “The Little Mouse With Clogs On”. He tells Claudia that last week in Blackpool, Jake put his arm around Steve and told him to enjoy what was about to happen to him, because it was only going to happen once in his lifetime. Then he put his cigarette out and reached for the lub…oh wait, sorry. Thought I was on tumblr : strictlyslashfic then. Sunetra then follows by saying that if is her last waltz, then it’s a good one to go out on. Well yeah, I doubt you’ll be doing a waltzing reprise in the final hun, no offence.

Still, one more week eh?

As they leave, and 1000 prop tulips get dumped in a skip, Steve thanks Ola for getting him to week 9, and Ola thanks Steve for putting so much effort in despite his injuries. I have to say, if this really was Ola’s last ever Strictly routine, the fact that she went out dressed as a naughty cheerleader will be as appropriate in its own way as Erin actually leaving via Erin Island, Lilia’s last ever recorded words on the show being “I’M NEVER COMING BACK”, Artem departing on a wafty divine-touching freeform American Smooth par excellence and Ian rounding off his Strictly stint with a TALL PERSON SORT OF DOING JIVE WELL.

Steve then closes by saying that the most magical part of Strictly was watching all his new friends do dances that meant so much to them – Mark’s Charleston! Jake’s salsa! Sunetra’s American Smooth! Judy’s foxtrot!

Judy never did a foxtrot Steve, go home, you’re drunk.


36 thoughts on “Strictly Come Dancing 12 – Week 9 Results

  1. Dancing Cake

    God you’re on form tonight Monkseal! Just laughed loads and feel much better for it. (I hate Tuesdays.) (Except I didn’t laugh at the Pixie/Trent photo when I noticed that, disturbingly, they even have identical TEETH. All of them.)
    Thank you for a great write up, as always.

    1. phoebefair

      When Trent and Pixie were first paired up, someone pointed out the ressemblance and he shrugged ‘Well, we’ve got the whole hair and teeth thing going on’.

      Monkie, please could we have a Non-Safety Sex-Face competition too sometime? Brenda and Sunetra’s is a masterpiece of sexual ennui this week.

  2. Dancing Cake

    P.S. Think Simon/Kristina’s safety sex face pic. has to be in with a chance of winning. It’s a bit like the When Harry Met Sally scene, with added glitter.

  3. Beyonce Castle

    Pash amen …genius.
    All around the world is as bad a theme as the dwts ones (Mark as super Mario? There are no words). That said I would love to see an Argentine tango get faster and faster until they fall over.
    So group dances to ELO Lisa Stansfield or Status Quo, what d’ya reckon?
    Personally I would be dancing feck knows to Big in Japan or Down Under as you can’t take the eighties out of the girl ( Brenda would need more than Erin island mind). Big boobs hinder most dances not just the waltz, unless you’re hammonding it up. Talking of boobs calendar girl Ola is Definitely Not doing the strictly tour. No love lost between her and Craig then. Assume Steve wants to do a George Michael ‘and I’m never gonna dance again, fused knacked feet have got no rhythm’/joining Erin and Brenda ‘and don’t worry, you can sun tan’. JudyMoo however is guestwalking on Anton’s next tour. That’s entertainment indeed.

  4. BeyonceHair

    Kevin the minion is doing an Ant with his hair I reckon. AntNotDec has been doing the high hair for years because of his high –receding– hairline and Kevin is going the same way.
    Hopefully his sister can go back to being blonde once Ola has hung up her heels. Want Aliona to go back to flame hair but she won’t.
    LeastWorstMemberOfBlue is looking better now

    1. monkseal Post author

      Joanne kind of suits being a brunette I think? Although I’ve never really seen her blonde except in that picture of her aged about 8.

  5. Martin

    Interesting to see that there are some who think that Sunetra WON’T be out next – hello? She’s doing a themed Rumba! Maybe the vote should have been “who will be in the dance off with Sunetra”?

    I like her but she has run her course now…

    As for the rest, any of them could win this series – it’ll all be down to their dance choice in QF and SF week as to who gets to the Final.

    1. Monaogg

      Yet she is the only celeb that looks truly happy to be saved.
      Frankie grimaces, Caroline looks like she has been caught with a genuine sex face, Jake looks smugly pleased, Simon looks shocked & Mark cries.

      1. Min

        Frankie is holding it all in and desperately trying not to hit Kevin round the head with a sequin yelling, don’t call me Frankenstein. That takes it out a person 😄

  6. Sue Howarth

    Monkseal you get an A for effort in trying to create a personality for Pixie. Unfortunately you get an E for achievement as she really does not have one
    I wish Janette learns to make Jake goofy rather than moody. In contrast Kevin needs fierce Frankie rather thank sickly sweet one

    1. Stormy

      That’s why I voted Caroline, because I just know that since it’s so obvious Sunetra is supposed to go out next week, somehow the “let’s screw Caroline” hex is going to get turned up to 11 and it’ll be a SHOCKBOOT instead.

      I *hope* not, but I have a bad feeling about it.

  7. Diane

    Simon and Kristina are dancing to Eidelweiss, please don’t leave us Monkseal.

    The more I look at that picture for Frankie the more I think Kevin has taught her nothing, she did that at the beginning and is still doing it now

  8. Huriye

    Can I change my vote in your Who’s Leaving Next Poll?
    Sunetra actually has a great song, “The Girl From Ipanema”. Surely Brenda will be inspired to at least try and create something sultry……?

    Who will win the battle of the MOR Waltzes?
    Wonder what ‘character’ Pixie will find to get into? They could just pop down the Amsterdam cafe for a quick….Tulip!

    Cannot WAIT for next week’s show! (But will miss you dreadfully Monkseal, please change your mind?) Pretty please. 🙂

    1. Beyonce Castle

      Thanks for that Huriye. So we get a wanky theme week just so they can do Bollywood and have Michael Flatfeet? Lord have mercy. Aside from Istanbul the rest sound crap and USA twice?
      Monkseal please don’t abandon us, I have to put up with Lederhosen several weeks a year, I need your banter…
      ….maybe your other half could do guest blogging for that dance only while you have a vino break and stuff your ears with cheese. Sorry been watching too much I’m a sleb am having allo allo flashbacks.

  9. Neio

    Caroline and Pasha’s Charleston to ‘Istanbul (Not Constantinople)’ sounds like it could be fun.

    It does seem a little too soon to be repeating ‘Edelweiss’ as a Viennese Waltz song though. Usually when they repeat songs there’s at least a few series between them. They could have done “Sixteen Going on Seventeen’ instead (if Kristina could convincingly play a naïve 16-year-old…)

    1. Chris

      I think it was My Favourite Things last year, wasn’t it? (And I’m surprised we haven’t had Kristina play a schoolgirl up till now)

      And of course Trent is choreographing a routine set in Amsterdam, stoner capital of the world. Of course he is. If Frankie didn’t puke after her Viennese, I think Pixie and/or Trent might.

  10. fembot

    Have they forgotten the amazing bisexual Argentine Tango from 2008? Flavia and some other lady of the night are entwined on a table, then Vincent and a bloke do the ganchos in their sweaty pampers.

    (hope the link works – took ages(/5 minutes) to track down on YT).
    Then, the same year, it’s Flavia/Anton, Erin/Anton in an ‘Oi hands off my missus’ ballroom thing where Anton and Vincent end up together for a fleeting moment:

  11. Aoife

    Great recap as always. Someone on the Strictly FB page spotted Lilia adjudicating in Blackpool last weekend. HEAVILY PREGNANT!
    Iveta looks totally different with the heavy eye makeup. Had to look again to be sure it was her!

    1. monkseal Post author

      I don’t think it is. I doubt the show has any staff members remaining from Series 4 apart from Ola, Brenda and Anton. And Tess. Sadly.

  12. Whisk

    A Mouse Lived in a Windmill in Old Amsterdam is honestly and truly a Viennese waltz song! I’m shocked we’re not having that.

    Edelweiss is just a normal waltz though. So we have the English Waltz from Austria, and a Viennese waltz from the Netherlands…

    1. Dancing Cake

      I had to Youtube A Mouse Lived in a Windmill that and it is just … bizarre. So on that basis I wouldn’t be surprised if Trent, in his current “state of mind” and affinity with Amsterdam, chose it as their showdance. Real mice running about all over the floor with Anton standing helplessly by at the side, and the whole number danced on chairs with Pixie screaming (… out of one the songs from her new album). You heard it here first …


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