Casual sexist stereotyping vs casual xenophobic stereotyping. WHICH WILL WIN?
Phone-Answering Wars – Now With Extra Nudity :
Mark : 2
Felipe : 1
Katie : 1
Sanjay : 1
Lauren : 1
Jemma : 1
It’s odd how Mark and James’ postures mirror one another almost exactly there isn’t it? It’s like Mark is the final evolutionary stage of the Apprentice Dickhead in a diagram that James forms the penultimate step of. Don’t ask what’s stretching down the corridor past James. I can only imagine the variety of ooze/Ben Clarkes… Whatever stage of the ladder of human development Mark and James sit at, it’s sadly several rungs below that of people who don’t wake other people up by ripping off their duvets and
jumping up and down on top of them until they literally bounce right out of bed. It’s sobering to think that James and Daniel are in fact more or less the same age, given that the former acts like he’s doing everything on a Ribena high having just lept off a playground roundabout and the latter acts like he’s seen all the horrors life has to offer (at least in terms of pub quizzing).
Just let him sleep guys, just let him sleep. My favourite pre-brief nonsense this week was Puddin claiming that Tena City had done everything they could to bond with Daniel and “reconnect the group” on the reward at the Orbit last week but he just wasn’t having it.
SO BONDING, SUCH WARMTH.
Oh Solomon :
Daniel vs Mark (& Puddin) Rd 8
Mark : “So Daniel, I don’t suppose you want to be Project Manager again?”
Daniel : “I’m not bothered mate, I know I’ll lead us to victory again”
If I Could Turn Back Time :
After Kaen made sure her wig was on, the meeting point for the reveal of this week’s task was the HMS Belfast (James : “that’s the army intit?”). Sadly (especially given who the PMs were), this week’s task did not involve actual factual warfare, but instead board games. Because they were on a BATTLESHIP and BATTLESHIP is a board game. Personally I would have preferred it if they’d gone to London Zoo and Nick, Kaen and Lordalan had all ridden in on the back of Hungry Hungry Hippos, but there we are. As Lordalan explained this tenuousness to the gathered throng, Sumfin’ all looked kind of
appalled that this is the angle production had gone with. And when James thinks your ideas are dumb, then you know something’s amiss. Teams were tasked with creating a board game and then selling it to trade. That was it. Ponder a world in which it’s supposed to take people the same amount of time to conceptualise and create a piece of cardboard with a picture on it and some question cards, as it does to create a piece of wearable technology. WELCOME TO THE APPRENTICE!
PPMS – Pre-Project Manager Stress: So after spending the last month or so as a stealth unit of crack operatives undermining everything their Team Leaders did, Lauren, Mark and Puddin this week faced the horror of the fact that they couldn’t dodge it any longer – one of them would actually have to sack up and face the slings and arrows. And I don’t remember the last time I’ve seen so many candidates scatter away from the possibility so quickly and so flimsily. Lauren said that she so would do the task, but nothing about it really matched with her skill-set of tour-guiding and being pretty, and Mark said that he probably shouldn’t do a board game task because he has no family (they shouldn’t have been so useless, sorry, they just had to go, they were dead wood). Puddin flapped that as she’s 23 she’s never really seen a project through to completion from beginning to end, so she shouldn’t do it either, but she was last to talk and Mark decided Lauren could wait for another day, so he bundled her into it. Puddin’s face at this point
felt like all the bitchy faces she’d ever pulled at anyone else all came back to haunt her at once in one big gastric burp of reflux-toxcity. (James was apparently elected unopposed for Sumfin’, because apparently that message Lordalan gave to Bianca not to keep on dodging being PM way back in Week 2 really did mean nothing).
Relationship Guru – A Game For Lovers : Of course, having professed their complete lack of ideas, interest, and expertise around the whole world of board games, it was Mark and Lauren who were next most vociferous in getting their ideas adopted as the Tena City boardgame of choice. Lauren wanted to do a board game where you made shadow-puppets behind a screen and your friends had to guess what it is that you were trying to represent (Daniel at this point pointed out that there are literally two things people can do shadow-puppets of : doves and bunnies. Maybe an elephant if you’re doing a Late Night Special). Mark however had a better idea, based on his belief that ONLINE DATING IS THE BIGGEST THING ONLINE FOR ADULTS (an idea possibly planted in his brain through hypnotitic suggestion by Sarah, which would make it her one recorded success on this show, you go girl) – the fun, naughty, original and in no way done to death arena of “battle of the sexes relationship quiz” board games, the likes of which you don’t at all see clogging up the board games aisle of every WH Smiths. (I played one themed around Friends as a teenager – all I remember is it asking us to answer whether we’d ever read pornography on public transport, and us all thinking that this was a really unfair question to ask, as it would be something only a really sexually sophisticated older person would do lol). Puddin went with this idea, because Mark suggested it. I’m guessing. The idea of this sexy game for sexy singles was then trialled out with the most appropriate group of people possible.
Players of Tragic : The Gathering. They of course protested that they were far more interested in sci-fi and fantasy than the idea of having sex with women, making this easily the most pointless focus group of all time (well…since Bianca asked that one woman in the street if she liked pretty lights). Pity even more that their advice was ignored and we missed the opportunity to see Mark dressed up as an Orc and Lauren as a sexy Cavern Wight.
An Insight Into Solomon’s Childhood :
“So the adult will pick a category, let’s say, “the beach” and then the kid will get the category and have to leave the room and decide on an emotion, say, maybe FURIOUS ANGER, and then the kid will have to come back in and act out the beach scene with the emotion, and then the adults will have to guess the emotion and then they’ll get points if they get it right but they won’t get it right because they never get it right THEY DIDN’T SEE WHAT THAT SEAGULL DID and then little Solomon will cry inside all the way home and nobody will care and oh God why can’t I tie my own tie, all the other boys used to make fun of me for having to get teacher to do it for me after PE WHY THE PAIN, WHY WON’T IT STOP”
Roisin’ Around The World:
Roisin’s idea on the other hand was less terrifying and dark-hearted. She came up with the idea, for kids, of cards representing 24 countries, with easy and hard variations. The kids pick a card at random, and have to either act out or draw what’s represented on the card, such that their team-mates can guess the country being pantomimed. Fun, artistic, education, and potentially racist! What could go wrong? As James and Bianca went off to talk to their focus group (which seemed marginally more appropriate than the other team’s) Sanjay, Solomon and Roisin brain-stormed countries to include. On the list? Greece, Columbia, and Kenya. Not on the list? Ukraine, Iceland and Thailand. Thailand in fact was scribbled through with aggression. I mean…I don’t know which one it is of Roisin, Solomon and Sanjay it is that has a problem with Thailand but…I’ve got my eye on them. Actually Roisin (who I have generally found so far to be so over-rated that I think I’m watching a different programme to most other people) was so in love with her lame boardgame throughout this episode, snapping at James for getting the rules wrong at one point, all “NO JAMES, THE PASSPORT SQUARE MEANS YOU PLACE A COUNTER NOT MOVE TO ANY SPACE ON THE BOARD YOU UTTER UTTER DIPSHIT”
that I fell in love with her a little this episode. Got to love a woman who loves her own product.
Incidental Character Boyfriends Of The Week :
George The GeoKnow Dad and Paschal The GeoKnow Parrot. Potential for a HOT THREESOME right there! This, with the parrot and the sarcophagus and the exotic pot-plant was James attempt at representing a sophisticated globetrotting aesthetic for his packaging of Roisin’s idea. Unfortunately on this photoshoot, Bianca got too big for her boots and had opinions as a woman on things like not wanting a giant light-rigging in shot and being allowed to speak and occasionally somebody other than James getting all the attention all the time like a giant grasping barely continent toddler, so James was forced to put her in her place and send her packing and tell her she was too big for her boots and yammer over her the whole time right until she went to sleep and possibly afterwards.
Things Bianca Yelled To A 10 Year Old Child
GIVE ME YOUR WINNING FACE!
Things It Sounded Like Bianca Yelled To A 10 Year Old Child
GIVE ME YOUR WILLY FACE!
An 80s Album Cover Or Tena City’s Board-Game Box Photo?
Relationships, According To Daniel Lassman
“A relationship expert will know that a woman likes things, a relationship GURU knows that women will like what I tell them to like”
Yes, to “bring Daniel back into the fold”, Puddin allowed Daniel to be the heart of Relationship Guru. The way the game worked is that each player would have to draw a question about relationships, which would have three possible answers. An example being :
The most right answer scores 3 points, the less right answer 2 points, and the wrong answer -1 points. However rather than a sensible way of determining the answers in a social game (say, all the women present being secretly polled and the men having to guess what they said) – the correct answer was instead just chosen by Daniel Lassman. Based on his infinite life and love experiences. To say the answers he chose were sexist would be to miss the point – the fact is that they were bizarre. Is it sexist to say that women love carrots and hate chicken salad so much it is truly baffling? Or that men think that bowling and chinese food rule but ice-skating and fish ‘n’ chips drool? Are you offended by this people, or just confused? What does any of this have to do with relationships? Is Daniel a Martian?
Some Other Questions From The Relationship Guru :
“What do men hate most? a) vegetables b) waxing, c) crickets”
“What animal do all women secretly long to be? A) cat b) hummingbird c) dinosaur”
“Which do women like best? 1) left bollock, 2) penis, 3) his wallet”
“What level of Super Mario 64 do women hate the most?” a)Dire Dire Docks b) Tiny Huge Island 0) Lethal Lava Land”
“Men would most like to meet which of S Club 7 a) Rachel, b) Bradley, C) Blonde One (NB : Check Name Later)”
“Where do women prefer you to wipe your cock off after sex? A) their face b) the curtains 3) mother-in-law (LOL)”
“Which hat do men most want their lady to wear for erotic purposes? a) fedora 2) party hat e) Hattie Jacques”
“Who do all men and women agree is the worstest? a) Stupid Mark b) That Bitch Puddin’ c) LEAVE DANIEL ALONE HE’S TRYING HIS BEST”
(What the hell is that random giant floating ice-cream about as well, whilst we’re at it?)
A Pointless “Feedback Session” That Was Held To Waste Time Well After The Final Designs Were Manufactured Represented Visually In Two Pictures
Lauren fed back to her Project Manager Puddin that Daniel’s nonsensical rambling surreal questions made their game unworkable and borderline offensive. Puddin started screeching that everyone was COVERING THEIR ARSES AND TRYING TO DESTROY HER.
Was any part of this in any way unpredictable? Or unsatisfying?
The Continuing Sales Adventures Of Bianca Miller : So having been sneered at, chided, and “put in her place” all day on day 1 by James (on the grounds, as explained by James that “he wanted to see what you were about”), Bianca proved him wrong by being a sales force on Day 2 right? LOL no. She decided that her desperate negotiations over ticket prices last week weren’t tragic enough, and decided to play the magical Trump Card of all Apprentice sales pitches gone wrong – “exclusivity”. In this case granting exclusivity for GeoKnow in the entire London borough of Westminster to one tiny tat shop who took £96 worth of product. This was made even more *womp womp* worthy by the fact that she was literally just doing it, with Solomon’s encouragement, just to copy James, who had just offered exclusivity for a post code for £300 worth of product. On the one hand Bianca is clearly a sales disaster the likes of which this show has never seen. On the other, it made James so so so so so angry
that I now think she should win. Business credentials or royally pissing James off? I know which I’m looking for in my Apprentice.
A Sales League Table Based On Closed Deals Shown, Which Account for about 72% of all Task Sales :
James – £950
Mark – £600
Solomon – £319
Sanjay – £255
Bianca – £96
Daniel – £80
And Those Overall Results By Team :
Tena City had sales of £1101
Sumfin’ had sales of £2080
The truly terrifying thought there that James quite possibly outsold all of Tena City on his own, once you factor unseens sales in, and PMd the biggest drubbing of the series so far. I guess a task where the second half devolved almost entirely into a dick-measuring competition where Mark and James both waved around 9 inch whoppers whilst Daniel stood there frantically fluffing in the corner muttering “just give me another minute guys” was never going to be the most fun, in terms of my own personal Alpha Male allegiances for the series. Still I can comfort myself with the fact that Solomon was third, and would have been even higher if Bianca hadn’t nuked Westminster for him.
A Shot From A Tape Of Solomon Stood In Football Shorts With A Look Of Ecstasy On His Face As Seaman Sprays Everywhere
This week’s reward was to play football with David Seaman. I’m not sure if the editors made it a showreel of Roisin, Bianca, Sanjay and Solomon all managing to score penalties whilst James missed every single time on purpose, but if it was, my heart now belongs to you. Otherwise the reward was just more of James trying not to look smug and Bianca promising that she will now learn from her mistakes. Again. I hope not. I hope next time she gives out 60% of the teams stock as free samples.
Boardroom Follies :
The minor part of this week’s Boardroom (but probably the more important part moving forwards) was Lordalan spraying both Mark & Lauren with a minor variant of the “YOU DON’T DO MACH DO YA?” Curse, basically telling the pair of them in not so many words that they’ve been backseat backstabbers for too long now, and whoever isn’t Project Manager next week of the two of them might as well just quit on the spot. But, you know, they can sort that out amongst themselves (Lauren’s attempts to refute this were comically refused at every turn, as she was spoken over by more or less everyone else at the boardroom at some point, not even being allowed to lead in her defence of herself for not leading). The major decision to be made was whether to fire Daniel for being a raving fantasist incapable of accepting criticism and writing questions so bizarre and random as to make the team’s game utterly unplayable and to render his own mental stability questionable, or Puddin for…well being a great big Puddin.
I think the right decision was made. I’m not sure more than about two sentences came out of her mouth in the boardroom that weren’t criticising other people. She managed to claim in the space of about 15 seconds that Daniel had both not said much over the course of the task and also made it difficult for her to get a word in edgeways. Based on You’re Fired she seems like a nice enough woman (and also to be nursing a fierce hatred of Mark now that I wish had been explored in greater depth) but…this was all kinds of satisfying after the last few weeks.
Football Metaphor WARS! : A key part of the ongoing Alpha Male War between Mark and Daniel has surrounded the deliberate and persistent use of football metaphors in front of Lordalan and Kaen to show off who of them is the manliest and footballiest. Last week Mark told Daniel that he was like a manager who had lost control of his dressing room. This week Daniel told Mark that just because he was a good number 2 it didn’t automatically follow that he would be a good number 1. I can only hope that this all comes to the logical conclusion – Mark and Daniel demanding that they be allowed to settle their differences via a penalty shoot-out whilst singing “ALAN SUGAR, KARREN BRADY, DO YOU TAKE HER UP THE ARSE?”
Best Nick & Kaen Faces Of The Week
A Sign Of Daniel’s Ongoing Popularity
When he comes back through the door, wafting his Relationship Guru card, Katie actually screams.
Next Week :
Would any of these candidates really make a worse US President than George W Bush, I find myself asking.