No more glihah… *sniff*
We open on a shot of Kristina screwing
part of a plane engine into place, in sepia tones. Yes, it’s time for our annual war-porn nostalgia jitterbug fest, as the pros jiggle round like there’s enough static charging up in their black-market nylons to power Britain to victory over the dreaded Hun without even having to resort to steam power. Whilst she and Ola are screwing, Aliona and Natalie spin their rotors and mean ol’ frigid uptight boss’ secretary Iveta
pines over her lost love Anton. Off at the side, Janette is fanning herself languidly, presumably because she is a forrin, and Karen gets a simply filthy letter from her boyfriend in the forces, which she then immediately shows to
…his sister? Well whatever works in your family I guess.
After this scene-setting, Iveta
lets her hair down and orders everyone to jitterbug. The magic of the jitterbug summons forth
some men, and more importantly
Natalie Lowe riding around on a worktable like a drag-queen on a carnival float, winking madly and hoiking her leg up over her head. Then, magically (/after 5 minutes worth of costume changes which were edited out later) the women are all in ballroom outfits and the dance continues until
Iveta is reunited with her man. How heartwarming.
Tess and Zoe merge from the munitions dump, and thank our professional dancers for remembering the war years for us in a way that would have got them tried for public indecency if it had aired on television at the time. Zoe reminds us that last night all of our celebrities performed to MOR slush, and we voted on which routine made us least want to vomit out of our noses. The most nauseating routines will find themselves in the bottom two, and the judges will decide of them which is not going to go to Blackpool, where there is SOMETHING FOR EVERYBODY. Except them. Said judges then
skip on in the manner of Marley & Marley (WOAAAAAAAAH). I was kind of hoping they’d trudge on in the manner of the Dad’s Army credits but there we are. Also Katherine Jenkins will be here, and Len’s Glans, both more or less as raw and painful as the other.
Next up : Your Week In Greg. Except there’s no Greg. So nothing really. Just a load of milling around, but it’s not even a complete record of the most important backstage shenanigans because there’s no shots of a toilet door with Caroline or Mark noisily sharting away behind it, so really what’s the point?
We return to the studio for this week’s instalment of “THAT’S CLAUDIA!”
with Zoe Ball. Tonight’s guest are ITV’s Matt Johnson, Jo Joyner, Caroline’s Mum, and an Angry Old Lady. So about as star-studded as your average episode of Jonathan Ross these days. Zoe greets Jo by telling how we all know her as Tanya Branning
a role she hasn’t played in over a year now, and highlights possible tensions within her bosom, as she is friends with both Jake and Sunetra from the acting circuit. She says that after that foxtrot from Sunetra her loyalties lie with her SORRY JAKE. Zoe then asks Caroline’s Mum if she’s proud of her daughter, and she replies that she is. End of interview. (It’s almost as though Zoe only spoke to her to hype up the CURSE OF THE MUMMY isn’t it?)
Time now for some spectacular Strictly Safety Sex-Faces :
Well…semi-spectacular in some cases. After they’ve picked Karen out of the rafters, we discover that our first couple o’danger is
this pairing. The red light isn’t quite on yet, but I really wanted to capture Alison’s look of murderous hatred. No Bottom 2 Bounce for these two. Much to the despair of
Aljaz’s doting girlfriend.
Once they’re over at Tess it’s quite clear that Alison is really not here for Tess’s phony sympathy as she grunts through her attempt to interview her that she’s been here before and she’s gutted to be here again but IT’S ONE OF THOSE THINGS SHE SUPPOSES. Well aware she’s getting nothing out of this stone, Tess asks Darcey what more Alison needs to give in the dance-off. She tells her to just do exactly the same thing as she did on Saturday (because if she’s up against Judy she’s won and if she’s up against anybody else she’s lost so who cares?). Tess herself tells Alison that she’d like her to bring her “extra special joy” to the routine, and Alison looks at her like she wants to bean her.
Up to the Ball Pit we teleport now
where Zoe is all “so Sunetra, you’re Northern, talk about how much Blackpool means to you as a North person”. (Fun Fact : Zoe is in fact Zoe From Blackpool, not that this fact will ever be mentioned) Sunetra replies saying “…not a lot really. I rode a donkey there once?”. Jeez, there really is nobody who cares about Blackpool this year is there? DO I NEED TO BRING CRAIG KELLY BACK TO SHOW YOU HOW TO DO THIS BIT PROPERLY GUYS? BECAUSE TRUST ME, NOBODY WANTS THAT. Zoe then turns to Frankie and commiserates with her over her single tear from Saturday Night. Frankie says that she was so sad to mess up so much and she’s so happy people voted for her enough to get her through. Throughout all of this
Brenda is lightly patting her on the shoulder. SHE’S NOT YOUR PARTNER BRENDA, YOU GOT GIVEN YOUR CELEBRITY, THAT’S IT, NO SWAPSIES. I’ll be honest I wouldn’t be surprised if Kevin met an unfortunate accident the week after Sunetra gets eliminated, necessitating the return of Rent-A-Pro.
Zoe turns to Mark next and reminds him that Kevin did a wickedly accurate impersonation of him last week, and says that she hears that he would like to respond in kind. Sadly rather than picking on the most obvious aspect of Kevin to parody (ie his occasional resemblance, when dancing, to a recently shivved Kermit The Frog), Mark chooses to try to do a Northern accent.
The horror. The horror. (He also tells Frankie that she needn’t be ashamed of crying which Frankie replies to by basically implying that the thought that her crying might mean she was compared to his embarrassing arse makes it all the worse <3). Steve closes out this round by saying that he's going to wear his paso doble jacket for the rest of his life. Please don't.
Next up, more Memorial Day stuff. Some of the celebs went to Trafalgar Square to witness the unveiling of the Everyman Statue
which is a memorial to all the war dead and also everyone ever eliminated from Strictly Come Dancing. If you get close enough, you can hear it say “I HOPE YOU’RE HAPPY HITLER! I HOPE YOU’RE HAPPY!” (My one joke for this segment, I swear). Judy tells the camera that we should never forget all the millions who gave their lives in World War One, Pixie jiggles a collection bucket, Mark says he feels honoured to be part of the commemorations, Caroline flirts with an old veteran, Frankie talks about how her grand-dad was in the navy, and Simon talks with a woman about her grand-father was taken prisoner at Passchendaele.
Next up, Katherine Jenkins sings to commemorate those in died in war. By the sounds of it she’s singing “WAHHLAHGAHDAHLAHLAH”.
Whatever that means. If you made the choice to hammer the fast-forward button rather than the mute button, you missed Ola and Pasha wearing nice outfits.
Here they are.
Speaking of the Fast Forward button, once we’re back up in the Ball Pit, Zoe reminds us that last week she was introduced to Len’s Glans for the very first time. So if you’re looking for something they’re not loving in the Cook Household that’s one of them.
Let’s take this moment to mark and commemorate Artem’s elimination from his first season of Dancing With The Stars in 6th place. Still in? A “Youtube star”, half of Cheech & Chong, Carlton from Fresh Prince Of Bel Air and somebody from Duck Dynasty. (ALL THE STARS).
As if to mark how utterly redundant Len’s Glans has become, we begin with a shot of Len
awkwardly wobbling behind his chair at the end of the show and Zoe yelling “OH MY GOD IS THAT TWERKING?!?!??!”. It’s a bit like when a baby burps and everyone acts like it’s trying to speak. In (barely) more relevant news, we move on to Len being asked what was so wrong with Jake’s arms in the rumba.
Well I would imagine it was supposed to look a bit less like he was gearing up give his bird a slap for being a taaaaaaaaaaaart. Len says that the arms are like a sentence, and the hands are the full stop at the end. Or, if you’re Bruno, the fifteen exclamation marks and smiley face. The judges then all demonstrate the proper way to do rumba hands
all completely different, of course.
Darcey wants to talk about Pixie’s foxtrot, coz she gave it a 10 innit, particularly this bit
I mean, it doesn’t look terribly foxtrotty to me, but it does make me admire Trent’s ability to support her weight and spin around all with his eyes closed off by a forest of hair. So there’s that. Craig follows by picking on the gapping in Sunetra’s foxtrot, which you wouldn’t think you’d need the benefit of slow-motion replay to demonstrate fully but
good lord, you could have driven an Abbey & Aljaz down the middle of them. Gapping within gapping. Finally, because Scott has now left we get to
laugh at another gay man’s face. IT NEVER ENDS.
Once Len’s Lens is finished it’s time for a special announcement. For Children In Need, the show has teamed up with Tom & Jerry for a very special episode.
If anything it’ll be less cartoony than the actual show is these days. I’m not sure who that’s the most flattering cartoon rendition of to be honest. They seem even less certain of what to do with Darcey’s hair than even Darcey does though.
Time to make fun of the faces of some HETEROSEXUALS now :
mostly. By the way, the noise Judy lets fly when she’s saved? Absolutely the most unholy banshee shriek I’ve ever heard. If she wins, I swear, the roof will come off and crows will fly out. This leaves both Jake and Caroline in danger of a SHOCK pantsing, but if you’ve ever watched the show before
it should be obvious who it was more likely to be. This series of the hunk-scuttle could only have lasted so long.
Once they’re over at Tess, Caroline says that she loves the waltz, and if there’s any dance she has to dance again, she’s glad it was this one. Oh Caroline. I don’t think it’ll just be this one. Tess asks Len if Caroline and Pasha need to work on his comment about their lack of rise and fall in their waltz in the dance-off and Len replies that…no they don’t. They should just go out and do whatever they want, because if they start to think about technique and things it’ll probably not work. Len summarily making the judges comments every week pointless in a stroke there. Well…you know…in the show’s canon. He then goes on to haul out “WE BRITISH LOVE AN UNDERDOG BUT WE LOVE JUSTICE MORE, AND THIS AINT NO JUSTICE MABEL!” line from mothballs again (previously used on Ricky Nipple and I think Denise Von Ringer)
Len, don’t make me pick between the rule of law and forcing Andy Murray to watch his mum do a naughty rumba. I don’t think you’d like my choice (BYE BYE THE HAGUE! SO LONG THE OLD BAILEY! SAYONARA SING SING!). Tess wishes her good luck against “Alison and Allyosh” in the dance-off.
Up to the Ball-Pit again
so long as I can be guaranteed no impersonations right? Right? Zoe asks Pixie if she’s still on a high from her first 10 of the series, and Pixie says that she can’t believe it. She never expected to get a 10. Anton is asked what will happen next week that could surpass “oarography” and “dogography” and Anton proclaims that Judy Murray will levitate live on national television. Didn’t we see that near the end of last year’s Wimbledon final? I swear she was floating two feet off her chair by the end, with smoke pouring out of every orifice and her eyes glowing red? Finally we learn that in Blackpool Simon will be doing the first Argentine Tango of the series. He looks
a little overawed. I wouldn’t be Simon. If Kristina’s choreographing all you’ll have to do is choke her then punch yourself in the foot.
a comedic Blackpool Comedy VT. You can tell nobody’s heart’s really in it though. Halfway through, Frankie just asks if they can’t do Spooky Week again. That’s what everyone was really here for this series. (Incidentally, all the celebs and pros are singing “I Do Like To Be Beside The Seaside” and Karen does not know the tune, at all, not one little bit).
Back to the Ball Pit again where
the fact that everyone else is in black only make Caroline’s Nan’s Knitting Tits stand out even more. Zoe asks Caroline what she’s going to do in the dance-off to improve, and Caroline says that she doesn’t think she gave it her best shot last time, so she’s glad that she’s going to get to try again. Pasha says that he wants Caroline to melt into the dance the second time around. Pasha, I think it was moist enough the first time without her melting. Tess next turns to Alison and reminds her that last week she said that she really enjoyed doing her American Smooth twice last week and then wonders if it might be the same this week. Alison says no, the dance is so energetic she may die before the end.
Phew. She made it.
Quite sweetly, and entirely on the nose, Alison turns to Aljaz at the end of the dance and says that she’s NEVER HAD A FRIEND LIKE HIM, the great big ham. She says that Caroline thoroughly deserved to beat her, but she’s coming to Blackpool anyway and then gives a little stump speech about how everyone who’s considering the show should just come and do it, no matter what their colour or size. No gays though. Or Irish. She thanks Aljaz for being so patient and so kind and she just wants to say here and now that she really loves him
as a friend. Way to get his hopes up, you big tease.
(As a side-note can I say that nothing this week made me laugh harder than the face Tess pulls when she walks onto the dancefloor after the dance-off has finished.
And I have no idea why).