So I’m not really sure how to recap a non-theme show any more, because I forgot that they occasionally don’t have one, so let’s try these on for size.
Heart FM Daytime Playlist Week : Bobby Darin, The Commodores, Frank Sinatra, John Legend, Barrie Manilow, Connie Francis, The Beatles and Kings Of Leon. Nuff said. It comes to something when Judy Murray is bringing the SUBVERSIVE EDGE, with a paso doble to The Clash to “I Fought The Law” in which she is Judge Judy (no really) sentencing Anton to several years hard labour for unnecessary lifts. Well if Len et al aren’t going to do it… It’s hard to tell which is the most mawkish, but I do know that Sunetra doing a cheesy foxtrot to “All Of Me”, Caroline doing a cheesier waltz to “Three Times A Lady” and Mark doing a SUPER ULTIMATE MEGA-CHEESY WALTZ to “Weekend In New England” complete with a whole coppice’s worth of foliage thrown at him at the end (all three getting the same score by the way), is too much for my tastebuds to stand. Cheese upon ham upon sugar upon oil upon diabetes.
Relatives Week : Whilst Baby Warz has been a relatively subdued affair until this week, something in the Week 7 air sends the floodgates tumbling open and out fall Alison’s son, JUDY’S BETTER SON (YUSSSS), Simon’s mum, Pixie’s grand-dad and various odds and sods from various obscure branches of Caroline’s family tree. In Alison and Simon’s cases it appears to have spurred them on to their most crowd-pleasing performances yet. I’m slightly sad, because Alison’s zone for pleasing the audience appears to be just to go full Lisa Riley in her Charleston, which is full of side-by-side and what can only be described as “Jazz Boobs”. Simon though gets his best reception yet for marrying his natural frenetic dance style to the quickstep, producing a very upbeat and glamtastic routine indeed, even if he is still not quite sure when he’s supposed to take Kristina’s hand or not. Pixie’s granddad on the other hand only prompts disinterest in the public, as Pixie’s very retro foxtrot comes across as a little too musical theatre for them (and me to be honest), which they clearly have to be practically be Taser’d to their feet after.
THE FRONT-RUNNERS HAVE CHANGED Week : Caroline’s slumming it is signposted, as is Simon’s grabbing the baton of “MAN WHO ISN’T JAKE WHO MIGHT WIN DESPITE HAVING BEEN IN THE BOTTOM TWO!” away from Mark, but it’s not a great week for a lot of the presumptive finalists. Frankie’s samba disintegrates into a hideous mish-mash soup of her paso and her cha cha, and Jake does a really frigid rumba dressed as Captain Bidrseye with horribly over-exaggerated hips. It might be concerning if it weren’t the most obvious “oh no the male front-runner screwed up with a blokerumba AIYEEEEEE!” narrative deployment of all time. Oh and speaking of which :
IT’S HARD FOR THE MALE CELEBRITIES Week : Seriously Len, can it.
Everyone Watches Steve & Ola Extra Closely To Try To Work Out If They Hate One Another Week : Thanks a lot Daily Mail, you ruin everything! His shirtless paso doble is erm…well there’s no other way to describe it other than incredibly camp, but unfortunately this week isn’t really about that for them, even in the Pimp Slot, oh well.
Next Week : BLACKPOOL! FINALLY WE CAN THEME AGAIN! THIS WEEK OF NORMALITY AND ACTUAL DANCING WAS JUST HELL.