THE CURSE OF THE MUMMY STRIKES!
We open on a loving couple, taking a gentle and romantic walk through the woods.
The gentleman of the couple asks his lady to take his hand for a dance.
Amidst the trees they frolick and whirl innocently.
Gently the maiden allows her body to be taken in passion by her beau.
A passing crone, cowled by a black hood, offers the innocent maiden a shiny red apple, as the woodsman has his back turned, possibly to put a condom on.
RARRGH GRARRGH SMASH KRISTINA WANTS DA DICK GRARRGH SMASH LOL
BYE BITCH GRARRGH SMASH CROTCH SMASH
GRINDY GRINDY SMASH STROKEY STROKEY FACE LICKITTLICKITTYLICK
SWISH BANG THRUST THRUST THRUST KAPOW
TITS TITS NOTHING BUT TITS
Oh never mind she’s fine the end.
I mean as a concept it’s not exactly refined. But it was fun.
Tess and Zoe both appear in a cloud of smoke and
seeing Tess having to compete with someone a couple of inches taller than her is a delight. She asks us all to give it up for the talented professional dancers and also to thank Zoe for stepping in to cover for Claudia for this week
and never again. Don’t go getting any ideas Ball. She’s watching you. Zoe reminds us tonight that we will be losing another contestant, and Tess breaks in to say that based on results so far, it’s going to be a SHOCKER. Yes…almost as though it’s not really that shocking any more isn’t it? Deciding on who will be leaving under a cloud will be the JUDGES.
Mercifully not dancing on. And long may it continue to be thus. Our special guest star will be Annie Lennox, presumably with her magical dancer-repelling candles trailing behind her, and Zoe will be riding Len’s Glans for the very first time.
He looks like he can’t wait.
BUT FIRST! Your Week In Greg.
(If only, am i rite guys?)
We return to the studio for another edition of “THAT’S CLAUDIA!” with…erm…Zoe Ball.
I can’t be alone in wanting her to turn 180 degrees right? Even if it is just to chat about how bored he is of mummies. The guests this week are Scott’s Mum Sandra and Alison’s Mum Maria. Zoe asks Mrs Mills how Scott has been enjoying the show so far, and she says that he’s really been enjoying it and embracing the experience and she’s had to wash a lot of blood off his clothes, but it’s probably just training injuries and stuff. Zoe then encourages Mrs Mills to hurl abuse at Craig who
looks delighted by this turn of events. If I’d been in charge Mrs Mills would have had a handbag and given him a proper comedy ’80s clouting. Instead she just says that Scott has been trying really hard and that Craig’s marks haven’t been reflecting that. I mean…they aren’t supposed to, because if we were marking people on what try-hard they are you might as well just give the trophy to Mark now. Anywho Zoe asks Mrs Mills if she’s happy now, and then I get a brief contact high remembering Jan Ravens. Mrs Hammond on the other hand just
grasps the mic and says that she’s one proud mother. The BBC Compliance People briefly panic, but no further syllables are uttered. She then tries to give the mic back but
Zoe’s looking off somewhere else. I like to think Zoe let her keep it as a souvenir.
Time now for our first round of ever-decreasing Safety Sex-Faces.
Karen and Mark’s celebrations go on for a long and noisy time. If you want to see Caroline’s reaction this shrieking and hen-night hooting.
There we are. Next we reveal who the first couple in the dance-off is going to be, as Simon and Kristina look at one another and basically go “LOL it’s so us”.
OR IS IT? Well…no it’s not because it’s Scott & Joanne. In one of the rare occasions where his Dance-Off Face is more orgasmic than his Safety Face. Tess tells everyone they have to wait a little longer to find out their fate, as though everyone other than Judy can’t immediately breathe a sigh of relief in unison right now.
Scott wanders over to the judges and Len says that HE IS IN SHOCK BECAUSE IT WAS SCOTT’S BEST DANCE AND THERE WOZZ PEOPLE LOWER THAN HIM ON DAH LEADERBOARD HE SAYS TO PEOPLE, DON’T BE A PRICK UNLESS YOU POINT AND CLICK (ON THE ONLINE VOTING) IS WHAT HE SAYS TO PEOPLE. (Not really, although I would laugh if he did it out of sheer force of habit). Tess asks Scott if he is disappointed. He says it’s a shame, because he thought that was his best dance. Len is asked what Scott needs to do in the dance-off, and he says “exactly the same as you did earlier”. I think he could have worked on his quack-quack arms myself, but Len’s the judge guy…
Up to The Ball Pit now where
Mark really needs to stop eyeballing me graciously. I didn’t just stop your cat from drowning Mark, quit it. Zoe tells us all that Sunetra was on the verge of a panic attack as she arrived in the Ball Pit after being declared safe and Sunetra replies that this was the first week when she’s really felt sure she was going to be in the Bottom Two, so it was genuine shock we were seeing on her face. You mean…all the other times were just stage-managed shock? I AM SO SURPRISED, AND DISAPPOINTED IN YOU PERSONALLY GREG. Zoe beams that Brenda is so happy as well, although you’ll notice that the camera never manages to capture this.
Zoe next asks Frankie how she felt as she was hoisted up in the air at the end of her tango and she replies “amazing and mental”. She then explains very slowly and in great detail that before tonight she had only got a Donny 10 and everyone made a joke about it because a Donny 10 kind of doesn’t mean anything but tonight she got a Real 10 and that’s funny because calling it a Real 10 is making a joke about how a Donny 10 isn’t real LOL DONNY. I think maybe Frankie shouldn’t consider a career in stand-up comedy, so much. Kevin follows this up with a
quite cutting impersonation of what an utter dipstick Mark was last week, which isn’t quite as funny as when he bulldozed Artem’s entire persona in one VT, but I’ll take what I can get. Mark follows this up by thanking the producers for calling his name out first this week, and says that this was the best feeling in the world. Yet again, Caroline doesn’t get to speak in this bit. Basically I think she’s just making guttural howlings every week about her lust for Pasha and they’re having to edit it out.
Next up it’s Annie Lennox! Singing “I Put A Spell On You”. Unfortunately she’s got a little over-excited at the idea of Classic British Sitcoms Week and has come as
David Brent. DO THE DANCE RICKY, DO THE DANCE! I know that every generation of radicals sells out and buys a house in Chelsea and advertises butter-like spread but there’s something about the ice-cold androgyqueen of the 80s electro-mainstream releasing an album of flipping “oooh they don’t write them like the good old days” covers for the Christmas Market and jigging about like your Auntie Jean doing the karaoke whilst needing a wee that’s particularly mollifying. Like, she walks around afterwards going “woah!” and shaking her head all dazed like, as though she’s just exorcised herself like Screamin’ Jay Hawkins x 10 when HONEY THE THING WAS 60% INSTRUMENTAL AND 25% YOU GOING “OH!” LET’S NOT TRY IT I USED TO LIKE YOU LENNOX, WHAT HAPPENED, YOU’VE CHANGED.
Once she’s done doing her dance, we’re straight back up to the Ball Pit for Zoe’s first experience of Len’s Glans. Although probably not of Bruno
lunging around in trousers so dark and tight you’d be forgiven for thinking they were tights from a distance. And not a particularly great distance at that. Actually for Hallowe’en Week, Len’s Glans is a little po-faced. Other than looking at Scott’s grimacing which…we’ve covered extensively over the last two months, we don’t even get to look at any funny faces in any sort of detail. Which is a shame because I really think there is a thesis in Alison’s interpretation of Catherine Earnshaw. Instead we get first Len
and then Darcey
in interminable detail explaining why Jake’s paso wasn’t that good until Bruno gives in and just
HURLS himself at Darcey to make it stop. Darcey’s Wilhelm Scream at this turn of events is delightful. It’s like she’s just seen a mouse. (Also Bruno…might want to lay off the turkey this Thanksgiving on DWTS based on the erm…shirt poppage going on there…)
Craig is asked next to explain his critique of Caroline’s samba as being both chaotic and too controlled. He still can’t. Bruno then finishes off by blowing Mark’s trumpet extensively, talking about how he’s NEVER DANCED BEFORE and how we all need to look at his INCREDIBLE GROWTH. I’d rather not if it’s all the same to you Bruno. I’m still recovering from that photoshoot of him sprawled plucked and naked against the glove compartment of a Ford Cortina I linked to a few weeks ago. Len yells that “FREE OR FORR WEEKS AGO EEE WOZZ IN THE BOTTOM TWO”. Len is so over the show now isn’t he? Two weeks Leonard. Two. He then yells “I TEW YOU WOT, EEE PUTS THE SEX IN ESSEX!”
This segment badly needs to end now.
More Safety Sex-Faces now.
Have you picked YOUR winner yet? Janette is definitely doing the MOST to win a trophy single-handedly despite their partner this year outside of Iveta being lumbered with Anton for the Latin themed Pro-Challenge. This leaves Alison and Ling Ling facing a stint in the Dance-Off and
the former landing there. Poor Aljaz. Hallowe’en’s not really his festival is it? Once she’s over at Tess, Tess pulls proper sad “oh no, your mum has to watch this as WELL not” and Alison just shrugs and says “I’m just glad she’s here babes”. She tells Tess that she feels her mother’s support coming from the audience, as her mother gives a grin that every child of a stage-mother will recognise as
“well you’re walking home”. Tess asks Darcey to give Alison some dance-off advice, and she tells her to keep her top-line and arms calm and smooth. WORST ADVICE EVER! SHE’S DOING THE WUTHERING HEIGHTS DANCE DARCEY, SHE SHOULD BE FLAPPING THOSE THINGS AROUND LIKE SHE’S ABOUT TO FLICK SOMEONE WITH A TOWEL IN THE GIRLS LOCKER-ROOM. There then follows an exchange that I hope its not only me that finds hilarious :
Tess (*at her most robotic*) : “You will be facing SCOTT AND JOANNE in the Dance-Off. Best Of Luck.”
Back up to the Ball Pit again now where
our safe couples lurk. Zoe congratulates Judy on being safe despite being bottom of the leaderboard two weeks in a row (seriously, who envisioned Judy Murray being this series undisputed DUFFER QUEEN?) and Judy says she’d just like to thank everyone who voted for her, especially as she knows she’s the worst dancer. Everyone goes “awwwwwwww!” and Steve clearly looks right down the camera and does that nose-scrunch that’s the Universal Sign Language for “no, it clearly is Scott”. Zoe then turns to Simon and says she’s so glad that he’s not in the Bottom Two again. A short break here for an out-take from Simon and Kristina’s Safety Sex-Face portfolio.
Quite. Simon too thanks everyone who voted for him and seriously, who amongst us would have a dark enough heart to tell him it could literally have been nobody?
Zoe commiserates with Steve over being left until last, I would imagine because he was the only one the producers not to weep so much that they made the special Hallowe’en Make-Up run off. Steve jokes that he doesn’t think anyone would be able to tell what emotions he was feeling given all the make-up he had on. Well at least he’s not claiming that nobody would know because he’s such a MUSCULAR MANLY BUTCH GUY’S GUY GRR for a change. Jake is then asked to express his emotions the only way he apparently knows how.
The thumbs-up. Zoe claims to him that this was the first time he’s ever been criticised on the show (lol whut) and he says that he found the paso really hard but next he’s got the rumba so…onwards and…hopefully only mildly downwards!
My favourite bit about the lead in to the dance-off is Simon and Kristina doing a boogie about being safe until they realise it looks quite rude to be doing this as Zoe huffs “SCOTT AND ALISON, ONLY ONE WILL SURVIVE” and stopping, really awkwardly. Randomly, we’re doing our pre–dance-off interviews on the dancefloor this week
in what looks like the world’s cheapest police line-up. Speaking of budget-cuts, Tess full on refers to the first couple there as “Alice & Aljaz”. They’ve clearly run out of letters for the auto-cue. Tess asks Alison if she’s going to add anything extra for the dance-off and Alison declares that she is quite literally going to LOVE IT OFF. I’m adding that to my slang repertoire I’m telling you now. She then turns to Scott and says that she can’t think of anyone she’d rather be in the dance-off with which…one of the best accidental insults on this show I’ve heard in a long time.
You can see why though. She added several extra spins and wafts though, and even smacked ALjaz in the face with an arm-hankie, because even in a foregone conclusion like this, she is here for her public. Of course I say it was a foregone conclusion – Len says that he would have saved Scott because his foxtrot content was better than Alison’s was (in her American Smooth). Len honing in and comparing 30% of Scott’s routine with about 2% of Alison’s there. I guess if Scott
has to have that moment of triumph I wanted for him, better it come that way than him actually being on the show for any more time at all.
Tess asks him if he enjoyed his Strictly Experience, and he says that it’s something he never thought he’d do and he’s so glad he said yes, because it’s the most fun he’s ever had.
I’ll leave Tess’ face as an answer to that closing statement right there.
SEE YOU NEXT WEEEEEK.