This Week’s Phone Answering Wars And Boys In Their Pants Update :
I do like when the show goes the extra mile to make me feel like a Peeping Tom. That’s Sanjay by the way, bringing the scores so far to
Felipe : 1
Jemma : 1
Katie : 1
Sanjay : 1
Sanjay was told that the candidates would be meeting at an old Music Hall, which set off immediate discussion amongst everyone else about how very into musicals that he is. I can also only presume that he’s good to his mother, is very well presented, enjoys warm showers, is interested in wheelbarrows, and also fucks men in the arse. (He’s also grade 4 on the bassoon which…I don’t think was a euphemism but you never know) (We also learnt in this section that Solomon isn’t capable of tying his own tie) (Again not a euphemism)
(Again, I think).
Jokes There Will Be In This Recap About Solomon’s Sex Tape
None – no Apprentice sex-tape leak will ever be as tittersome as that of the candidate ironically called Naomi Lay.
YouTube, ITube, WeAllTube For ICE CREAM! YAY ICE CREAM!
After the brief green shoots of last year’s online dating task, the show’s new-found acknowledgement of technology created after 1984 reached full bloom this week, as the teams were set a task revolving around online entertainments. Yes, whilsst in the good old days we had to make our own fun by reading, playing charades, or murdering vagrants and leaving clues for the police as to the location of their dismembered body-parts, now we are only ever a tablet away from ONLINE VIDEO EXCITEMENT. Although personally I’d probably have to swallow several, followed by a whiskey chaser before I watched any of that winsome bollocks. The task involved the candidates being tasked with somehow descending to a lower form of life even than the Apprentice Candidate. Yes, they were asked to become Youtube Stars. My exposure to Youtube Stars is very limited (mostly via their appearances as contestants on other reality shows where they have invariably managed to be the biggest irritant in the cast, even on Big Brother), but basically they’re all either young white milquetoast young men who sing comedy songs about Game Of Thrones in order to groom underage girls for inappropriate sexual contact or they’re young women who make millions off having gross old men watch them applying more slap than a flotilla of drag queens in the vain hope they show a bit of tit accidentally. Business lesson? None. Pretence at dignity? Less than none. The specific task? Get as many hits as you can in 48 hours. The race to utter self-abasement began here.
Sadly, a thing of pure beauty such as Invisible Jemma was too much to last, as she got the Dreaded “I DON’T FINK I SIN YOO DO MATCH!” Curse placed upon her at the start of this week’s episode, forcing her to (ugh) talk and (sigh) actually do things to justify her continued place in the show, a month in. As a catalyst for this she was taken away from the body-temperature, yellowish warmth of Tena City and thrown into the freezing cold water of Team Sumfin’. If she were a Stella English this would have been the catalyst for her to seize the reins and drag this fractious team to victory. Instead though, she is Invisible Jemma, and was therefore put in charge of “Talent Relations” and spoke one full sentence all episode. My queen
The Rise Of Puddin :
Whilst Jemma pootled along under her Harry Potter Cloak, this week another Under-The-Radar candidate seized their chance to shine and reach for the sun. And in the best tradition of Apprentice breakout episodes she did it via
shooting bitchy looks everywhere and trying to undermine her Project Manager at every corner. Nominally Ella-Jade was PM of Tena City, appointed by Lordalan on the grounds that she is a documentary-maker who wants to run a tv production company with him if she wins (can you imagine? Sugar TV? It’d make LondonLive look like BBC 4. TWENNY FOR HOUR ADVERTS! NUFFIN BUT PRODUCT SHOT AFTER PRODUCT SHOT AFTER PRODUCT SHOT AFTER PRODUCT SHOT! INTERRUPTED EVERY HOUR BY LORDALAN APPEARING TO CALL PIERS MORGAN A COCK-END TO THE CHIMES OF BIG BEN). But it was Puddin who really wanted her hands on that camcorder, following a past experience at work where she’d had a lot of fun producing a promotional video involving two rugby players and a lot of hand-cream (I can imagine), and Lord did we know about it. Constantly questioning why Ella-Jade had been made PM, talking over all of her attempts at directing any video,
giving constant ever-more gleeful talking head interviews as everything turned to dust around Ella-Jade’s Clapperboard
and ultimately seizing control of all filming entirely by the end of the task. Sadly, despite all this, no greased-up sportsmen were seen anywhere in the vicinity of Tena City at any point. I hope to see more of this new bitchy Puddin in the future. Let’s turn her on Katie next, she’s far too perky for her own good.
Why Solomon Is Here
“I want to bring Lordalan into the 21st century by showing him what technology can do to connect him to the kids of today”
(Please, please, please let Solomon say this to Lordalan’s face at some point. “I want to show you what technology is”. Claude would also do).
Do You Dare To Eat A Peach?
I’ll be honest, even after having watched the episode twice now I don’t really know what Sumfin’s Youtube Video was supposed to be about. Clearly the teams were given a shortlist of about five different very boring safe topics they could make their videos about to avoid them, say sticking Mark in a niqab, making “Jihadi John Sings The Hits Of One Direction” and raking in the controversy views, and Solomon PMing for Sufin’ chose “food” off this list (because “it covers a wide demographic” which…I said I wouldn’t make sex-tape jokes and I’m sticking to that) but from there…I dunno. Something to do with blindfolds and rubber chickens and eating GLASS THAT TASTES OF LEMONS (?) and James
stripping off whilst Roisin tut-tutted about how what a totally outrageous paradigm he was. The important thing was that whatever they were doing with this food was totally out there and on the edge and DANGEROUS so, after a short brainstorming session featuring one of my favourite Apprentice concepts ever
“Blind Food”, they settled on “Dare To Dine” for their name, as suggested by Invisible Jemma. Solomon then repayed this stroke of genius by misspelling her name on the flip-chart. Rude.
Fat Daddy (Bam A Lam)
That right there is Sarah Dale’s concept art for the fitness channel created by Ella-Jade and Tena City. Unlike Sumfin’ you could never accuse them of not having a clear idea of what their message was. It was “LOSE SOME WEIGHT YOU FAT PRICK!”. Yes, Ella-Jade looked at this task and thought “What Would Katie Hopkins Do?” and combined (Series 10) Katie’s background as a fitness instructor and Felipe’s cheerful self-effacing humour about having a BMI of what 26? 27? to create a nightmarish vision of an actual living hell. In Tena City’s videos, Katie tag-teamed Felipe (called, in a not at all sub-dom sort of way “Fat Daddy”) with a fellow fitness instructor who looked a bit like a
hipster tribute artist to Hunter from Gladiators, to “help him lose weight”. 10% of this process appeared to be Felipe doing half-arsed star jumps, and the other 90% was Katie And Friend relentlessly verbally abusing him (Sample lines : “GET UP FAT DADDY!”, “THAT’S WHY YOU’RE FAT DADDY!”, “YOU DISGUST ME FAT DADDY, THIS IS WHY YOUR WIFE LEFT YOU AND YOUR KIDS SIDED WITH HER IN THE CUSTODY BATTLE YOU JOKE OF A MAN!” (maybe not that last one…)) as he stumbled around out of breath and cross-eyed and tired and desperate and sad. The cumulative effect was that of watching the first 30 seconds of a snuff film in which Felipe would be found dead at the end suffocated by a cream horn.
Lauren and particularly Daniel were the only ones to ever raise objections to the fact that their Youtube channels most likely way of getting hits would be after the publicity from a Panorama Special about cyberbullying. So…erm…well done them.
So obviously the answer to these advertising/marketing tasks never actually lies in the quality of the finished product (duh). Doubly so this series, with the results being decided solely by blindly gouged out Internet hits rather than any artistic metric. So what was the super-secret criteria for success this year? Previously of course it had been “which team had the most product shots?”, “who actually finished their leaflet?” and “who didn’t advertise bleach using an actual child?” but what would yield success on Youtube? Well as anyone who has ever been involved in the creative industries will tell you, success comes best from leeching off the name and talents of those better connected, more likeable, and more talented than you (speaking of which Jason, another retweet for this blog after this entry goes up wouldn’t go amiss, ta very much). Each team was given the chance to produce a video with an already established Youtube Star. Sumfin’ were given the choice between Barry, a slightly pudgy but passionate and driven food expert with 3,000 hits per video per day and
Oli, who knew nothing but is, like, really cute and really cares about, like feminism and Dr Who and, like, how we’re all on, like, a spectrum of sexuality not, like, labels and if you give his video 1,000,000 views he’ll take his shirt off and make out with his friend Benji a bit, like, not with tongues because that would be gross, and also he gives loads of his money to, like Autism and stuff? Oli has 1,500,000 views per month on his channel. Solomon chose Oli. And on such things tasks turn.
This Week’s Incidental Character Boyfriend
Oli cause he is so cute and, like, he got down to the final 8 to be in The Vamps and really I think it’s their loss because he’s way cuter than James because you can tell he wears so much make-up and no offence but if Oli was in them they would have had a number 1 by now instead of being the flops that they are, like they might as well just call them The Flops. Like, does anyone in The Vamps care as much about trans rights as Oli does no, I mean I can’t even.
A Short Advert for Buzzfeed
So because a cornerstone of Apprentice hilarity is bad pitches, the BBC gave the teams the opportunity to try to get Buzzfeed to promote their videos by getting Mark/Bianca (for Sumfin’) and Sarah/Steven (for Tena City) to try to persuade them to link to them. In reality this wasn’t even an opportunity in reality, just a chance for Buzzfeed to pretend it has editorial standards.
Sumfin’ were rejected for being too babyish and also for having James in the video (after the pitch Bianca chortled that she could read the notes that were being written and they just said “Kill James”. Who knew she could see out the tv to my recapping process?) and Tena City were rejected for being
evil? Kind of? Amazingly, Sarah Dales responded to “I find the idea of “Fat Daddy” inherently offensive” by saying “oh it doesn’t have to be a daddy, it could be like your fat ugly cousin or your fat smelly friends or your fat stupid aunt!”. (I’m paraphrasing) (Mostly). I’m going to miss her so much.
An Exclusive Preview For The New Film By David Lynch
Sumfin’ got 3532 views, 46% of which came from their collaboration video
Tena City for 3314 views, 25% of which came from their collaboration video
Interestingly, in the real world of Youtube, according to the show, Oli has twice as many views on his videos as Tena City’s collaborators (The Lean Machine) have on theirs, and pulled in twice as many hits as they did on this task. One might question then, whether the entire task hinged on which collaborators were offered to which team – it would at least be nice to know if they were fishing in the same pool, or if their innocuous choice of fitness over food meant that Tena City were doomed from the off never to get the level of outside assistance that Sumfin’ got. At least it’d be a more interesting way of rigging a task as a show producer than ringing your mum up and telling her to watch this clip of James with his nips out fellating a rubber chicken 500 times I guess. What should NOT be questioned though is that, as Talent Liason Officer, Invisible Jemma was in fact entirely responsible for Sumfin’s win by keeping Oli sweet. Who can doubt Invisible Jemma’s rise to victory starts here? (LOL jk she’s got the Curse on her, she’s dead already)
TOO MANY PEOPLE!
Four episodes in, Kaen is still having to use a cheat sheet.
Or at least that’s how Lordalan pronounces it. For those of you keeping track, this is the third reward in a row that has required candidates to at some point strip down to swimwear. Again this is a harmonious winning team – Sanjay bitches about how gutted the other team must be not to get to bathe in the spa waters of Reykjavik, Solomon toasts to his first victory and indeed the first victory for the Summit name, and James noisily BANTAHS about how he just done a piss in dah watah. Such fun.
Boardroom Follies :
The first part of the boardroom was fairly standard for an advertising task. Everyone talked in vagaries about how the video tried to be funny and informative and managed to be neither (unlike Sumfin’s video, where I laughed at the production values and learned that James is due for a waxing fairly soon), Lordalan parped out his pre-prepared line about the ONLY WAY YOUSE LOT IS GOING VIRAL IS IF YOU KISSED A TRAMP OR SUMFIN HA HA, Steven was
camper than Julian Clary during Fleet Week, Puddin continued her quest to destroy Ella-Jade forever that might have made more sense if the presence of TOO MANY PEOPLE up to now hadn’t made it necessary to never ever feature anybody who wasn’t involved in the main plot-strings ever, Sarah had a hissing fit over how she isn’t responsible for anything that happens ever, and Katie carried on really really getting on my nerves for reasons that I can’t quite define yet and I hope don’t just come down to her accent. This however, of course, was only a cursory sideshow for the bloodbath to come…
Best Nick & Kaen Faces Of The Week
SUPER TRIPLE MEGA ULTRA FIRING WITH EXTRA CREAM! AND BEGGING!
The stars of the whole of the first month of this series aligned perfectly for this one amazing ratings-grabbing, headline-stealing, classic Apprentice moment. By which I mean the producers identified the two most mental people in the cast, and stuck them on the same team as a forced PM on a “this is your day job task” that was easy to rig. This was what all of TOO MANY PEOPLE was leading up to. This was three feral cats that had been fed MDMA all shoved in a sack and thrown in the river to drown together. This…was a TRIPLE FIRING. The best moments were :
- Steven spluttering “THAT’S COMPLETELY WRONG BECAUSE YOU’VE MADE THE WRONG DECISION YET AGAIN!” as he was selected for the Final Three in an example of logic that doesn’t even quite stretch to circular.
- Lordalan suggesting to Ella-Jade that as a clueless posh bint she should go and wash some dishes in a cafe for a bit in order to learn about the real world of business (please let her pop up behind the counter in Loser Cafe at some point next series, please)
- Ella-Jade trying to prove that she wasn’t a clueless posh bint by citing her vast experience working a summer job for her parents and what societies she was in at Uni.
- Ella-Jade calling Sarah “embarrassing”
- Sarah then hitting the reality tv double whammy of claiming that Ella-Jade just LOVES TO BE IN THE LIMELIGHT and IS THREATENED BY SARAH AS A SEXY MATURE WOMAN
- “YOU WON’T EVEN LOOK ME IN THE EYE ELLA-JADE!” “I’M LOOKING YOU IN THE EYE RIGHT NOW SARAH!” “yeah well of course you’re doing it now…”
- Steven and Sarah successfully tag-teaming Ella-Jade for being “inappropriate” for all of about 5 seconds before the pair of them collapse into blancmangey incoherence.
- “Sarah completely lacks in business skills” “ERM, HELLO, I WON THE FIRST TASK, WAKE UP, I WAS PROJECT MANAGER!” “You were a crap Project Manager Sarah, and we all thought you did a terrible job” “I WAS GOOD! BECAUSE I WON IT!”
- “MY BUSINESS IS AN ONLINE DATING WEBSITE LORDALAN” “What is your experience in that field?” “She’s been on enough of them…” (*meow*) “YES I HAVE BEEN ON LOTS OF THEM AND THEY WERE ALL SHIT, NOBODY EVEN OFFERED TO MARRY ME ONCE!”
- Ella-Jade calling Steven theatrical and over-the-top whilst pulling this face
- Steven yelling “I HAVE LEARNT TO REIN IN MY PASSION!” at the top of his voice whilst jabbing his finger at the table
- Steven pulling the old “MAKE ME PROJECT MANAGER!” gambit to the interest of no-one then getting immediately fired for it.
- Ella-Jade going through six distinct and different sets of begging not to be fired, including several after the finger was actually pointed and even then still clearly, at the door, considering one last go at it.
- Steven claiming that in real life he’s very easy-going
- Sarah boom-clapping on the way out that yeah, sure Lordalan might have decided that she wasn’t the business partner for him but ACTUALLY SHE DECIDED SHE DIDN’T LIKE HIM THAT MUCH EITHER SO THERE
The show made up some fig-leaf excuses for the firings (Steven’s pitching was dire, Sarah was sort of in the vicinity of a sub-team that forgot to put a title and description on one of the team’s videos) but really it was fairly obvious that they were the victims of an increasingly common Apprentice tactic – being completely and utterly frozen out of having any sort of meaningful role on any task ever by virtue of literally every other candidate thinking they have no redeeming qualities whatsoever, and there being enough people still there for this to be a viable tactic. Ella-Jade went because of the whole day job thing, although she an take some comfort in the fact that she was clearly cast as some sort of Bonnie Langfordesque joke figure but performed well enough on the first three tasks that her firing overall kind of feels like it was more done for effect than because it was genuinely deserved. At least over the other two.
Damned funny though.
Phone Answering Wars Pt 2
“All your friends are dead. I’m coming for you next. Don’t think about locking the doors, this call is coming from inside the house”
Felipe : 1
Jemma : 1
Katie : 1
Sanjay : 1
Mark : 1
Next Week :
A Coach Trip task which, unless someone threatens to punch someone out for being a fat twat, probably isn’t going to live up to past efforts let’s face it.
Meanwhile On You’re Fired :
Whilst Ella-Jade was unfortunately unable to attend due to a recent bereavement and Steven seemed kind of over-awed by the occasion and a little cowed by how he’d come across, Sarah ploughed right on ahead and asked a rather po-faced technology expert on the panel about her experiences getting laid via Online Dating. For research.
Miss her so so much.