So, are you ready for an actual shock boot after the last few weeks of synthetic outrage? Are you ready for the Year Of The Man to turn even more into the sort of slaughter of sort-of-alright-good-looking-men that an Ali Bastian/Rachel Stevens/Zoe Lucker fan could only dream of than it already has been? Are you ready for MARK WRIGHT TO BREAK INTO 1000 PIECES? Then I’ve got the Results Show for you.
Oddly enough, for no reason, the whole evening is cowboy themed with Claudia as the black hat, Boy George is the white hat, and Tess Daly as the beige hat. Boy George is here to sing “Karma Chameleon” and does so really really badly, possibly as a dirty protest against the show not allowing him to do his new single instead. And who can blame them? Who wants to hear new material on a Strictly Results Show? Remember when Bryan Ferry turned up and dared to deny us the sight of Natalie Lowe gurning away to Virginia Plain? Unforgivable. Oh there’s also a pro-routine ho-down to Cotton Eyed Joe and Timber because…I dunno anymore. Apparently there’s Bollywood coming up in a future week as well.
Len’s Glans (Pixie’s isolations, Thom’s arms, a guy falling over, Bruno rolling his eyes) is truncated this week so that Claudia can bother Barbara Windsor and Jamie Murray in the audience. I spend the whole time staring at what is currently sat atop Babs’ head. I guarantee nobody sat behind her for about three rows back saw any of the show. This is a proper King Louis XIV wig we’re talking here. I think there’s a little miniature ship in there.
ANYWAY, that Shock Boot then. Simon is in the Bottom Two again because duh, and this time joining him isn’t a 50 year old sitcom actress that literally nobody has heard of, but instead Thom Evans. The judges snarl, the judges spit, the judges curse the public’s very name, but in the end Bruno and Len override Craig and Darcey and save Simon. Iveta then gives a speech about how Thom has filled her heart with butter.
Never change Iveta. Never.
It’s amazing though. Of the series hunks, one is gone, one has been in the dance-off twice, and the other has had his brain so scrambled than when Claudia tries to interview him nothing comes out but gulps and whines. This isn’t the Strictly I KNOW where being a good looking man is an automatic guarantee of sailing through to Bonfire Night at the very least. It’s kind of…exciting?