And here she comes :
delicately descending from the rooftops to bring joy and good cheer to children everywhere
whether they want it or not, accompanied by an array of berks
BERTS! Sorry, an array of BERTS! The attempts of Aljaz and Pasha to assay rough-tough bandy-legged Cockerney sweeps still being more convincing than Dick Van Dyke’s mind you. Yes, this is a tribute to bizarre nonsensical 60s GORR-BLIMEY disney Victoriana acid-trip Mary Poppins, a film featuring some of the shrillest songs known to humanity, of which this bunch have selected the shrillest of all (“Step In Time”) to dance to. Why couldn’t have been The Ol Bamboo? That’s quite hard to deliver, as this is being delivered, at the pitch of milk bottles scraping against one another. If you’re wondering what has become of Anton in these great big West End Wendy group numbers being done in no particular style
this is it. This is what he has become. Although it’s marginally more dignified than
Kevin’s attempts to lift Natalie, although as a dancer he only feels the effects on his back
a little while later.
After lots of kicking and stomping and supercaliwhatsitthingyallypallydipstick it all ends up
SHOWBIZ. Apart from for whoever that girl is at the back there, who probably spent the next three days picking soot out of rather unpleasant places.
Kevin would quite like to put you down now.
The band strike up and Tess and Claudia emerge from the chimneys
so that Claudia can make the obvious joke about how she applies her make-up with a sweep’s brush. It’s nice that in this era I feel vaguely contented if the host makes the same joke I was thinking of, a few seconds later, unlike whenever Bruce did it, when it made me feel dirty and ashamed. I mean, she doesn’t make the joke I was thinking about having Donny’s wig on a stick
here, but I guess he still is a guest in her house. She then reminds us that someone will be going home quite soon, and that we’ve got both Len’s Glans and a performance from Donny Osmond to “look forward to”. Woo-hoo.
But first, a recap of last night, which I’m not recapping in protest at it still being done all out of order (and also partly because I have two episode of The Apprentice, which has 50 candidates in it this year, to write up this week, and ALSO BECAUSE IT’S A RECAP OF THE THING I JUST SPENT 12,000 WORDS RECAPPING YOU LAZY BASTARDS, GO BACK AND READ THAT) unless there are pictures of Greg The Enigmatic And Sexy Floor Manager in it. Which this week, there were not. I would have had him in a loincloth banging my gong like the good old days of Rank (YES I SAID RANK) Movies. But I’m not Evil Moira Ross In A Rainbow Wig so *shrug*.
Let’s just go straight to the first round of filthy dirty Safety Sex-Faces instead :
Tim really is giving it the most, it has to be said. First in danger…well, let’s see what happens when Kristina gets a partner that’s even less capable of believing that people might not vote for them
Quite. Also shocked?
Donny Osmond, whose jaw hangs open for the next half hour. Although EVEN MORE VERY UTTERLY TOTALLY SHOCKED is Darcey who promptly tells the nation off with her best
marginal Tory candidate 1994 face on, saying that Simon should NOT be in the Bottom 2 how AWFUL. Says the woman who only gave him one more point than Judy Murray and Scott Mills dressed as a lobster. Maybe you should use your scores DARCEY. It’s times like these that I wish harder than ever that we hadn’t brought back the dance-off, because this sort of prim phony outrage is undercut slightly by the fact that you know she’s got the power just to save him over whichever of the four whipping boys ends up in the dance-off. In the good old days he might actually have gone home. Imagine the carnage.
Anyway, Tess asks Simon how he’s feeling and instead of the answer, which is clearly “incredibly pissed off, Tess he just says he’s glad that he’s got the chance to do the dance again, yawn. We then get more great moments in Strictly fact-checking history, as Tess tells Donny that he was in the Bottom 2 on Dancing With The Stars (nope) and then Donny replies by saying that he was actually only at the bottom of the leaderboard in Week 7 (nope) but he feels Simon’s pain anyway, and has some story about his son to share. Woot. Do you know what else Donny did on Dancing With The Stars? This. Please can somebody do that, please? Preferably Thom & Iveta. With the same hair. (No, really, Donny’s exhortation to Simon to DO IT FOR HIS DAUGHTER is kind of hilarious given that we’ve seen Simon’s daughter and how invested she is, which is…maybe not as much as Donny’s son, who I would guess is called Donny Jr, might have been).
Up to Claud 9 now and
Natalie is throttling the life out of Tim like Tess throttles the life out of every joke that passes down her autocue. Claudia congratulates Tim on over-reacting incredibly to being called safe, as it becomes apparent that Natalie has left a smooch-print on his face so hard that it
kind of resembles an unfortunate birthmark. We’re also reminded that he’s doing paso next week, joy of joys. At least it’ll give Nat the chance to work some of her anger off. Also having their dance revealed is Pixie. She’s doing the rumba. I look forward to actually getting to write about this one. Pixie grins that it’s, like, the opposite of what she and Trent did this week, because, like, the quickstep is really quick and, like, the rumba is really, like, slow.
(I didn’t say I was going to write a lot about it)
Alison’s got the samba, and is excited about it, because at least they’re probably not going to dress their samba’ers up as sealife two weeks in a row (sadly meaning she will never fulfil her Ursula The Sea Witch destiny). Mark then talks some more about how he’s always wanted to be Superman, when really he ended up far more like Bizarro (please note : one of my main reasons for being Supermanphobic is the fact that his villains are called thinks like Bizarro and Mr Mxyzptlk and Metallo and flipping GENERAL ZOD).
Claudia cues up the next segment with the dread phrase “You’ve heard him judge, NOW HEAR HIM SING!”.
Yeeeeaah, maybe not. Here’s a picture of Joanne Clifton’s face mid ULTRA-PIVOT
It’s like when they put NASA astronauts through G-Force training isn’t it?
Happily, Donny being taken up with the magic of Moon River means that he is unable to sit on
LEN’S GLANS. Proof there that the show really did literally have no direction this week. Yes, it’s time for the segment where we remind ourselves that no matter how amazing, dramatic, and fierce a dance can look at full speed, everyone looks like a complete numpty when you slow down their face-movements to 1/8 speed. First up for scrutiny is Frankie’s paso doble, complete with
SKIRT SWISHING. Len tells us all that Frankie has unavoidably set the bar for paso dobles this series in this first attempt at the genre. Presumably Judy set the bar for quicksteps this series by just leaving it on the floor before running off to sexually harass Grigor Dimitrov.
Next up is Darcey being asked to defend Simon’s rumba, if she’s SO APPALLED that he’s in the Bottom 2. And…she can’t, really. But she does assure us that he has lots of potential and this just wasn’t his dance and isn’t it hard for men to do the rumba blah blah change the record it’s Series 11. Darcey’s defence of Simon is basically that “he has all the physical qualities to produce the moves” which is basically telling us just to save us because he’s wew fit which…WHY DIDN’T YOU SAY SO IN THE FIRST PLACE I’LL GET RIGHT ON IT, POWER UP THE OVARY-AUTO-DIALLERS! This is followed by Craig having to talk us through Mark Wright attempting a jete.
Bloody hell. Craig just mutters that he was very brave to attempt it. Especially in those jeans, let’s face it.
Anyway, we’ve gone a whole 3 minutes without laughing at the gay contestant’s face
so let’s do that. Bruno praises Scott for “investing a lot in his performance”. I hope he’s left enough to invest in a therapist. We close this week’s Glansery with a look once again at the end of Judy’s quickstep.
Less lift, more Heimlich in reverse. This is accompanied with an audio clip of Anton screaming, which I am going to make my alarm clock. The snooze alarm will of course by Judy saying that she feels………sparkly.
(Oh and there’s more of Kidz Bop jigging around their living rooms, but let’s not)
Here’s Darcey explaining what a mobile phone looked like 10 years ago
Good to know.
Time now for second round of Safety Sex-Faces and also, incidentally, I guess, if we have to, who else is in the dreaded dance-off.
This leaves our two senior ladies, Judy Murray (famous for being someone’s mum) and Jennifer Gibney (famous for being someone’s wife) to wait to see which of them will have to put on that red light. Judy does a really good
Elaine Stritch impersonation as she waits, but it’s all for naught as
she gets to live to…well, not dance, but, you know, MOVE TO MUSIC, another week. No, no safety sex-faces for you Tristan fans. Not this year.
Tess asks Len if he’s surprised that Jennifer is in the bottom 2 again, despite her foxtrot being her most “relaxed” (ie half-arsed) dance yet? Len says that he is (*roll eyes*) because of how comfortable she looked out on the dance-floor. He tells her to up her game in the dance-off, like there’s any way on Earth they’d save her under any circumstances short of Simon dying of the actual ebola. Tess asks Donny for his opinion YET AGAIN, because we’ve not learnt yet and reveals that he has in fact been given the vote. He tells Jennifer to stop being such a boring safe-wad and TAKE A RISK.
Jennifer looks quite like she’d like to take a risk upside the back of Donny’s head. Hey, it probably would have got her the audience’s vote to stay in. (And probably Craig’s).
Back up to Claud 9 now where
I’m really really sad they’ve split my beloved Scark up, because this week’s showmance slashfic would have involve Superman having sex with a crab. Claudia asks Frankie if she’s recovered from getting the first 10 of the series but clearly that didn’t actually happen, so let’s just skate over that factual error to spare Claudia’s blushes. Claudia asks Judy if she was shocked to be safe, and she replies that she was just worried that if she did go home she might never see any of the rest of the cast ever again. She does know she gets to come back for the final right? And proclaim nonsense like saying that Frankie was like the daughter she never had and make screaming seagull noises at Caroline Flack (Post-Boot Fiona Fullerton <3). We also learn that Judy has the tango next week, because Claudia is spilling this show’s secrets everywhere like Ola in the offices of The Daily Mirror (THEY MAKE US WEAR SEXY CLOTHES, IT’S HORRIBLE!)
Claudia closes by asking Scott if he has a message for people at home.
After a brief interstitial telling us to watch “It Takes Two” where we can find out such exciting things as how it felt, what it was like, and what the contestants thought when, we’re back with our two couples facing defeat and
truly the most bizarre pant-suit I’ve ever seen, which I think may actually be serving as subliminal advertising for the Twin Peaks revival coming soon. Claudia does the first interview with Tristan solely and pretty much ignoring Jennifer AGAIN, which, once is understandable but twice is just rude, get your panties under control woman. Simon promises to move his hips more this time but once again we’re here for an utter formality as
Jennifer faces the long walk back to pretend-Ireland up in Glasgow (hint : when your contestants have to skype their exit interviews on It Takes Two then it might be time to think about casting people who actually have a free schedule) (lol remember when Patsy Kensit just couldn’t be arsed to turn up for hers, happy days).
On her way out, Jennifer says that she’s so pleased she got to learn three dances and she’s had a great time with Tristan. Tess then gets Jennifer to say that Tristan is now PART OF HER FAMILY so they can justify bringing him back next year because even if he’s been a bit bobbins he is still a bona fide filthy Irish ROIDE and Jennifer’s all “sure why not?”.