Gregg Wallace is to Dave Myers as Edwina Currie is to :
a) Ann Widdecombe
b) Courtney Cox-Arquette
c) Salmun Rushdie
We open with all our male pros
dancing cha-cha in formation to herald the arrival of our lady-hosts, dressed in their outfits from their earlier routines. I can only presume that as the weeks go on, and the female celebs get eliminated, they will get progressively nuder. Presume/demand. (EVERYONE KEEP JUDY IN UNTIL THE FINAL FOR THE LOVE OF GOD). It’s hard to give the effect of Tess’s dress via the medium of 2D pictures but
if you imagine a little triangular sign sticking out of her hoo-hoo saying “Caution : Speed Humps ahead” you’ve kind of got it. I haven’t seen such a ferocious Uniboob since the days of Jo “I’m Only Racist Sometimes” O’Meara from S Club 7.
Our hosts start by telling us all to go “awwwww” because we’re about to eliminate someone. Tess even has the gumption to tell us that it’s too soon. IT’S NEVER TOO SOON TESS. DO A RANDOM DOUBLE ELIMINATION LIKE AMERICA’S NEXT TOP MODEL AND THEN SCREAM AT JUDY MURRAY FOR NOT CRYING ENOUGH. RANDOMLY CUT SOMEONE IN THE MIDDLE OF AN EPISODE LIKE WHEN SIRALAN MURDERDEATHFIRED JENNY CELERY 2 MINUTES INTO THE BOARDROOM! MIX IT UP!
Ahem. Also this evening there will be Len’s Glans, a special performance from Jamie Cullum And A Man In A Hat, and a pro-dance to that one song from Frozen that 6 year old girls have been tormenting you with for the last year non-stop. Oh and the judges are still entering via the medium of dahnce, but in pairs.
I hope by week 4 they all enter in a kick-line doing the can can.
We start as ever with this week’s Backstage Gossip.
Greg is back. Everything else is irrelevant.
And that was this week’s Backstage Gossip.
From there, we’re going to move seemlessly on to this week’s Safety Sex-Faces. For the uninitiated this is where I freeze-frame the contestants at their most orgasmic and we all point and laugh. Or point and touch ourselves. I’m not judging.
Jesus, Judy could swallow an antelope whole couldn’t she? After this pre-amble down the avenue of ecstasy, our first couple in the dance-off are
these two. Tristan makes some sort of weird “YEAH….oh” noise when they’re told which is odd. I know it’s Tristan but Not-Safe-Sex-Faces spread diseases and cause unwanted spontaneous pregnancies across the nation. I would imagine.
Over they go to Tess, who immediately gets into accusatory mode with the judges, wagging her finger at Darcey and asking how Jennifer could possibly be in danger after DARCEY said that she’d improved so much eh? Answer that one Bussell. Darcey just does the usual – says she’s shocked, says the dance-off is a really scary place, and tells Jennifer to just go out and have fun. Tess asks her Jennifer what’s going through her head. To her credit she does not say “that I hope it’s Gregg because he’s crap and I can beat him no problem”. Which is what I’d be thinking. That or things about Tristan’s face. Instead she just says that she wants to correct her mistakes of the night before. Tess then asks Craig what Jennifer should do and he tells her to try to do the dance better.
Up to Claud 9 now, where our six safe selebs are serenely sat.
Claudia asks Caroline how nervous she was standing there waiting to see if she was safe, and she replies that she almost threw up. It was the most nervous she’s ever been.
Excet for when she wrote that message telling Pasha how she really felt and then she thought she’d pressed “delete” on Facebook private messages but actually she pressed “send” but Pasha’s not said anything so she guesses it was just glitch’d out of existence HA HA HA BEST OF FRIENDS. Claudia then, after Tim thanks the Lord that Caroline didn’t spew on him, Claudia tells Judy that she looked “emotional” to be saved (ie effing bugfuck mental) and Judy replies that yes, she was
because the thought of having to do the cha cha with “that wooden racket” again was running through her mind, and Claudia tells her not to be mean about Anton AH THANK YEW.
Thombot detect joke. Thombot laugh
Claudia next congratulates Frankie on getting to Movie Week and also being the first name called out, and Frankie replies that yes, that was a real treat. Lean times in the Bridge household clearly.
Buy her something pretty Wayne.
Next up it’s our pro dance, and in anticipation of Movie Week to come, Ola will be dancing the role of Elsa from the film Frozen, to the song
“Let It Go (James, Whilst One Of Us Still Has A Contract)”. The routine is themed around frost and snow, so there’s lots of pros running around with spray-on frosting on their faces, swishing ice-blue sheets and around and putting special colour in their hair. Or, in the case of Anton
taking the special colour OUT of their hair. Oh and the tape runs backwards for half the routine because it looks erm…hey, maybe the VCR this show runs over got its innards frozen let’s be nice. The peak of the routine comes when
Kamikaze Daredevil Queen Janette prepares to SOAR UP TO THE SKIES LIKE A LARK ASCENDING
LOOK AT THIS VIDEO EFFECT WOOOOOO!
The end. (Spoilers : Aljaz then threw Joanne down a crevasse) (I have still not seen Frozen, mostly because Idina Menzel’s singing voice makes me want music not to exist any more BUT both the Good Prince and the Evil Prince both appear to be bona fide cartoon hotties so I will get round to it eventually) (I’m sure my boyfriend will sing loudly over her the whole time anyway) (HI STEVE!)
In case you’d forgotten what happens next, then this is the segment where the judges are given more time to explain in detail their critique of the technicalities of each of last night’s dances, and fail at that utterly so we just spend most of the time laughing at the dumb faces whoever the gay contestant is this year pulls
LOL AM I RITE KIDS? That’s right, it’s
Len’s Glans (/Lens).
First up for dissection are Steve’s Cha Cha Heel Leads
LOOK AT THEM! LOOK AT THEIR EVEL! Len reminds us all that in Latin you lead with your balls (especially if you’re a SPORTSMAN) but never your heels. He never explains to us why Steve is trying to push his tummy button back inside his body. Maybe he’s ashamed of his outie? Len explains to us all that sadly he is the old fuddy duddy who picks up on old-fashioned ballroom and latin technicalities like that…and then gives it a 7 anyway COZ IT HAD PLENTY’A GURTCHA!
Jake’s salsa is commented on
/faced at by Darcey next as she gushes over it mightily, whilst also kind of giving the opinion that she thinks Janette probably could have done half those moves on her own even without a guy there. Way to harsh the nation’s buzz Darcey. This is followed by Craig explaining to the nation what a “grand ronde de jambe” is in the context of Pixie’s Waltz, which was flipping full of them, and then Len and Bruno immediately undoing all Craig’s good work to educate the nation by
Also there’s a new segment where the nation’s kids send in video footage of themselves bobbing around in front of the tv aimlessly, but now that Gregg’s been eliminated and Aliona doesn’t need choreographical inspiration any more I imagine they’ll scrap it.
Never getting scrapped?
These bad boys right here (please bear in mind that this is Janette’s first time). This leaves Scott as the bottom-tease, so to speak because the cosmos has plans for Aliona
plans that involve joining the Double-First-Boot Club with Vincent and Matthew. I guess they needed a girl to keep them company. In fact the only person who looks remotely surprised is Scott.
Either that or he’s practising his paso face.
Gregg and Aliona traipse over to the judges, holding hands (it won’t last) and Tess asks Len what Gregg should be thinking about in the dance-off. His life-choices maybe? This interviews he’s going to give after the show calling Aliona “cold” (alledgedly)? No of course not, this is Len, he has to come out and think about CAHMIN AHT AND GETTING AHT AND HAVING FAHN! Aliona meanwhile will be thinking about
a big lake of custard, in which Harry Judd is swimming without his top on. Tess asks Gregg how he’s feeling and he says that because there are some great dancers in the competition, so he’s not surprised he’s in the bottom 2. Aye, and there are some bloody awful ones Gregg, and they all beat you as well. He goes on to say that he’s really sorry for “his mate” over here, who’s a really brilliant dancer :
I assume he’s pointing into the audience. When asked, Bruno advises Gregg to control his legs. Well it’d be a start…
Back up on Claud 9 now as we ponder
if less-flattering trousers have ever been cut than the ones Scott has been wedged into. Not Claudia of course, as she is pondering if Mark Wright could be any more sweet, wonderful and perfect.
I’m guessing maybe? There was that time he nicked Ricky The Dong’s bird in Marbs and told Irish Caz she looked like the back end of a Ford Cortina what had been in a right old smash’up. (Don’t tell me if this didn’t happen, I don’t care). Claudia then gives notice that she will make Mark Wright cry like Dawson’s Creek on camera even if she has to insert bamboo shoots under his fingernails just outside of the view of the camera-lens don’t think that she won’t do it. Claudia then asks Jake if he thinks he’s peaked and he’s all
“yeah probably”. Love him. If you haven’t seen it, find the clip of him on It Takes Two where he says he’s not really bothered if he smashes Janette’s face in on a lift because if he does the producers will just get him another one. Then play it on a loop forever. He says that he’ll probably just do the “soccer ball” moves he was doing with Janette’s head at the end of the routine every week now, and Sunetra guffaws that she hopes she never has to do that and the thought of Brendan trying lifts like that makes me think of Snowdance so give me a minute to stop laughing and then we’ll carry on.
Also, there’s not nearly been enough showmance rumours this series so let’s start one.
I CALL THEM SCARK!
Next Up :
A Man In A Hat. It’s not quite the same is it? He’s being accompanied in his (really rather good) rendition of “Don’t Let Me Be Misunderstood” by Jamie Cullum on the Hobbit-Piano and Iveta
being an absolute heroic level of skank all over Aljaz’s face, armpits and genitalia. God bless her. Seriously, if you normally zone out during the guest slots go back and watch this one, because she is bringing it.
Back on Claud 9 now, for a Comedy VT filler based around the fact that the celebrities next week will be performing routines based on films on purpose, all at the same time rather than sporadically, and individually, because whoever’s doling out the song ideas ran out of ideas that week (/EVERY WEEK). WITH SPECIAL GUEST JUDGE THE SEXUALLY AMBIGUOUS DONNY OSMOND! Based on his appearances on DWTS, he and Bruno will have sex at least twice during the two hour run of the show. Anyway, based on the VT, Caroline will be doing a routine based on Armageddon (PLEASE GOD NOT TO I DON’T WANNA MISS A THING I WILL HUNT YOU DOWN EVIL MOIRA ROSS IN A RAINBOW WIG SO HELP ME), Simon will be doing a routine based on Top Gun, Jennifer will be doing a routine based on My Big Fat Greek Wedding, Steve will be doing a routine based on The Jungle Book, Pixie will be doing a routine based on Alice In Wonderland, and Scott will be doing a routine based on
Dressed To Kill.
All thoroughly filled it’s time to interview our two couples in danger.
Gregg says he’s ok, because he never really thought he was going to win anyway, and then he calls Aliona his “little one” and ohmygod I’m so surprised she didn’t have his hand off there and then marriage really must have mellowed her. She runs off out of Claud 9 ahead of him and doesn’t stop and then Greg has to shoot her in the net with a tranq dart, wrap her in a net and bring her back kicking and sobbing. Jennifer’s interview is then more or less entirely about Tristan, as you’d expect. Let’s make him the new Anton!
ONE WHO WINS DANCE-OFFS!
In Gregg’s interview he says that the whole show has been the most terrifying thing he’s ever done and he really enjoyed training with Aliona. One last Aliona face for the road?
Come back fit and ready next year Aliona.