Well it worked (/happened) last year, so why not?
ANOTHER FREEFORM EXPERIMENTAL JAZZ RECAP AHOY!
SHOCK HORROR IN MATTEL TOWN AS KEN SPOTTED STEPPING OUT WITH PIXIE’S ARCH-RIVAL, BRITISH KNOCK-OFF TESSY :
So yes, as with this point last year, the combination of 15 couples, 130 minutes of show, and work commitments means I am this week unable to offer you a full Stritcly recap with all the bells and whistles and whatnots and railings against the producers to STOP GIVING TESS JOKES I IMPLORE YOU (they did a good job this week, but one or two of them still slipped through). Instead enjoy, if you can, this collision of polls and words and lots and lots and lots of pictures.
This Week’s Wisest Words Of Judging Wisdom :
“For me you had so much more improvement”
“If you drop a ball, you have to hit another one”
“YOU WUZZ POPPIN LIKE BUTTONS ON A TIGHT SHIRT!”
“You’ve got a queer left elbow”
“IF TANGO IS A RADIO STATION IT’S RADIO 1!”
“MORE PERSONALITY FOR EVERYBODY YOU HAVE!”
“YOU’RE STEPPING ON THE RIGHT WAY!”
“I REALLY LIKE THAT HYBRID HI-OCTANE THING OF THINGS!”
“I did think you were fighting the floor a little bit darling”
“YOU WENT DAH DAH DAH DAH DAH DAH DAH DAH DAH DAH with a body sway at the end”
“YOU THOUGHT IT WAS A BOOKING AT A HEN’S PARTY WOULDN’T YOU? WHOOSH!”
“SPANK ME GENTLE WITH A WET CHAMOIS!”
“SHUT UP BRUNO!”
“Think about your shoulder-blades, sliding down your back”
“JUST ENJOY IT CAHM AHT THIS IS HOW GOOD I AM DO IT AND JUST GO LIKE THAT DO IT!”
“JUST GET AHT THERE HAVE A GOOD TIME AND GET AHT AND ENJOY YOURSEWF!”
“CAHM AHT JUST LIKE GREGG AND ENJOY YERSEWF!”
The Definition Of Madness Is Doing The Same Thing Over And Over Again And Expecting Different Results :
I don’t think that Iveta’s attempts at life-thievery have ever been so transparent as in this routine where, knowing she’s laid low by pregnancy and can’t get to her whacking stick quite as fast, she tries to bodge Mark Ramprakash’s epic five-week quest for a personality onto Thom in one dance. The salsa, the tropical heat, the flirtation, the same bloody song, half the same choreography (you ain’t never gonna rum bum bum bum like Ramps Thom sorry)…Sadly her attempts to recreate that Ramps Magic were stymied by two things – first by production nixing her request for Thom’s “mic lead” to get tangled in her costume at the start of the dance (*wink wink*) and secondly the fact that when you try to make Thom do personality
Tristan Is So Dreamy – An In-Depth Journalistic Investigation
..although as dreamy as he is, even he couldn’t save Jennifer’s waltz. I guess there’s only so much being really really ridiculously good-looking can do for you, as a professional teacher of dance. Jennifer’s shoulders were up, she was looser than Ola’s mouth near a tabloid newspaper in hold, and if Tristan was making her feel like a Natural Woman in was in parts of her body that weren’t her face. I think she possibly took Tristan’s instructions in training to pretend he was her “Proud Old Man” (LOL I’D IMAGINE TRISTAN’S PROUD OLD MAN ANY DAY AM I RITE LADIES) too far as at times she really resembled
a 6 year old trying to get out of bathtime by wriggling about/going stiff/playing dead/squirting her Mr Matey in her dad’s eyes. You have to wonder if Jennifer Gibney, after years of playing opposite her husband dressed up as hideous warty old bat, might have benefited with being partnered with a less daydream-inducing, knee-weakening, strawberry-scented, gorgeous hunk’o’man because I think it’s distracting her.
Next Year’s Winning Great British Sewing Bee Design Revealed
Flattering Ways To Greet Your 17 Year Old Daughter To The Training Room starring Simon Webbe
“What are you doing here?”
“What, you want to watch me training?”
“OH THANKS, THERE GO ALL MY DAILY MAIL VOTES!”
“I thought I left you minding Lee! WHO’S MINDING LEE? IF HE GETS ANOTHER GLAMOUR MODEL PREGNANT, NO PUDDING FOR YOU TONIGHT”
“I’m not winning Baby Wars with a 17 year old love, go and get your brother”
“How am I supposed to cop off with Kristina with you hanging round, go do your homework”
Simon danced his tango to “Sing” by Ed Sheeran, because it’s got a bit in it that sounds vaguely like Spanish Guitar. You might think I’m being sarcy, but that is legitimately a better explanation than either of the other tango music choices this week. Also I’d say it was a bit early in the evening to be turning to drink, but I’ve just seen that Gregg’s Charleston is next on the score-sheet so…guzzle away my loves. Simon’s tango was a little bit blocky and featured some truly hideous PIVITS and random Argentine Tango bits but it was reasonably well danced and performed. What? We’ve got a long long show ahead they can’t all be fascinating…
Aliona’s Faces Of Existential Despair 2.0
Gregg’s Charleston :
As much as anything else this week’s Waite’s Wednesday Warm-Up was an exercise in false hope. THOM HAS REALLY LOOSENED UP AND IS GOING TO GET 8S! MARK IS THE BEST MALE DANCER IN THE COMPETITION AND HAS A BEAUTIFUL FACE! WE DON’T KNOW WHAT THE MUSIC CHOICES ARE THIS WEEK! But the cruellest lie of them all was the breathless gasping that Gregg was really a Charleston natural based on 3 seconds of him awkward bouncing up and down on his heels like he was trying to see over the wall at a ladies netball practice. In reality, he’s just as bad as he was in his cha cha but this time we don’t even have the joy of Aliona flitting around pulling “DOI!” face at him. Instead she was stuck doing choreography that doesn’t even look like choreography so much as a series of
playground games gone a bit wrong. And you never usually accuse Aliona of lazy choreography (if anything, quite the opposite). Also I’m not sure what it says about Strictly in 2014 that someone’s signature dance move can be
jamming your face in dessert, but here we are. At least Matt Di Angelo usually waited until he was off the dance-floor to stick his face in Flavia’s flan.
Meanwhile On Strictly Come Dancing Argentina :
Sexual Harassment In The Workplace – A Training Video In How To Be Awesome At It
Alison’s Foxtrot (outside of the porny bits)
Yes, alright, the foxtrot that she did didn’t move across the floor very fast, or express any feeling beyond the classic stately galleon and Aljaz was in parts clearly talking her through it but the whole thing was just so much fun and both of them were putting on a real performance. Foxtrot can be a really boring dance at the best of times, with nothing really to liven it up around the old dears cooing and awwing because it’s being danced to Sinatra or Nat King Cole or Johnny Mathis. Sometimes, even if it’s not technically great, you need someone to come out and sass it out to the max whilst the singer screams her way lustily through Etta James so hard she almost gives herself a throat polyp. I’m so surprised that Bruno didn’t give this at least an 8 I don’t think I even know him any more.
Moments In Jake’s Salsa Where I Legitimately Feared For Janette’s Life :
(What, that hammock looks really unstable!)
But seriously though, this is the Janette Manrara I remember from So You Think You Can Dance, hurling herself through the air and under peoples legs with no thought as to her own safety. I’m so glad that she finally turned up.
I think the real triumph of Jake’s salsa, which was transparently the best and most memorable dance of the week, is that unlike a lot of male salsas over the year (and it’s still the one dance where they outscore the women so it’s not as though they don’t have wiggle-room on how to present themselves) it wasn’t just a rote attempt at being sexY and wiggling dem hips and giving the front row an attack of the vapours. It was silly
it was goofy
it was all done to a version of Mambo Number 5 sped up to Alvin & The Chipmunk tempos and featured all sorts of lifts, throws and moments where Janette actually turns her spine into a marshmallow rope inside her own body somehow. It’s not technically amazing and he’s not doing any one thing long enough for it really to be scrutinised but it is really really joyous, as you can see from the looks on their faces the minute it ends.
This whole “you too can be on Strictly if you are sufficiently inspirational” thing then? One the one hand it *is* for charity and only a one-off and to be honest there’s a certain grim appeal in the thought that right now across the home counties women are DEMANDING their husband pretend to have Alzheimers Disease so they can pretend that they’re a sooper-inspirational carer so they can get up close and personal with Tristan’s arse. MORE DRIBBLE SEBASTIAN, YOU DON’T LOOK DEMENTED ENOUGH. But on the other hand this show is already skating a fine line of treacley goop with Mark Wright and Sunetra Sarker, supposedly hard-bitten showbiz professionals, both breaking down over the last couple of weeks because they managed to get through a Wk1/2 cha-cha without dying. Do we need X Factor style montages of happy little children frolicking merrily in the arms of telegenic foster parents as “Happy Endings” by Mika plays, before said carers do a crap comedy salsa with Anton? Really?
If You Weren’t Grateful Enough To Judy Murray For Producing Andy Murray, Just Bear In Mind That If Scotland Had Seceded, This Would Officially Be Our New British Number 1
Great Sporting Moments In Strictly History
Judy teaches Anton how to play tennis
Martina teaches Matthew how to play tennis
Gavin teaches Katya how to avoid playing rugby which she achieves by rolling around on the floor as various sexy men dogpile her
Gavin throws a rugby ball right in Len’s face
Judy’s Cha Cha
So I guess that the idea here was that by putting Judy in a situation where she’s comfortable – wielding a tennis racket, on a tennis court, knocking some balls around, then it’ll help her get into the dancing part of the routine without so much nerviness/blank terror as last time. In which case
Andy better get ready to greet his new daddy into the family home.
The best part of this is that Anton’s adventures in Judy’s crotch were preceded by her looking at him coquettishly
having dabbed her forehead with the same towel she’s subsequently using to hold his head as close to her feminine mystique as possible. I have to admit, my main reason for wanting Judy to do this show was for her to act like a massive sexual terrorist all over the male pros, leaving her beloved sons absolutely bloody mortified. I just never envisioned in getting quite so…50 Shades Of Judy quite this early. I guess she has to get it whilst she can. The rest of the dance is barely even a dance, more Judy just walking around doing the odd New Yorker that looks like it got lost somewhere around the New Jersey Turnpike and
constantly twisting that towel like she’s about to flick Anton in the nads with it, but the image of her with Anton’s Beak wedged up in her Petra Kvitova will live with me forever.
IVETA’S SOCIAL MEDIA KORNER FT. MISS CLAUDIA WINKLEMAN MA (History Of The Arts)
HI GUYS WELCOME TO MY SOCIAL MEDIAS CORNER! THIS WEEK TAHM IS HAHT HAHT HAHT AND YOU ARE BLOWING UP ALL OVER HIM ON YOUTUBE! HE HAS RECEIVED 14000 “SPAFFS” FOR HIS SEXY SALSA ALREADY THIS WEEKS MORE THAN ANY OTHER DANCERS ON STRICTLY 2014! ALSO PEOPLE ON THE MYSPACE ARE ALSO LAHVING TAHM WITH 150000 PEOPLES ALREADY DOWNLOADING HIS HIT NEW SONGLE “BAD GIRL KELLY BAD WHY YOU LEAVE TAHM HE IS SO HAHT FT.IVETA”. PLEASE FOLLOW IVETA LUKOSIUTE D8 ON TWITTER FOR ALL NEW TAHM NEWS AND ALSO FOR BUYING BACK YOUR CREDIT CARD DETAILS FOR LOW LOW PRICES! TIL NEXT WEEK KEEP TWEETING YOUR TWATS!
This week, Pasha told Caroline to imagine she was dancing the tango with an ex-lover with whom it did not work out. So…
here we go. Someone should probably tell Caroline that in the event of a break-up it’s traditional to go after HIS clothes with a pair of scissors, not your own. Their particular misguided pointless tango song choice is “Blame” by Calvin Harris ft John Newman. No, me either. It’s very repetitive and passionless and every time I think I might almost get into the dance I get a whole bosh-load of lasers and casio pre-sets all up in my eyes and ears. Why do they always have to do this with the tango? You never get songs this bizarre in the foxtrot – the worst it gets there is the occasional Olly Murs. Anyway the dance ended with Caroline telling Harry Styles to take his hair-product and
Natalie Lowe Feels The Ticking Of Her Biological Clock
First of all, Natalie Lowe sitting inside a star being gazed at through a telescope was my favourite visual image of the week. So schmaltzy, so right. Also
such skirt swishing, I loved it. I know people were vexed at Natalie getting an old duffer the year after she was forced out of the show via injury, but this is a whole other side to her, which is why I’m secretly a bit glad, even if we are only going to see her this series for about 6 weeks at best. Natalie’s natural positivity was always going to suit this sort of thing down to the ground, and Tim does a good job of playing the fusty old professor type. He does, rather oddly
seem to have his eyes shut throughout. You’d think as an antiques expert he’d have them wide open throughout to go through those century old extensions they’ve dug out of a BBC broom cupboard and weaved into her head.
NEWSFLASH : OLA’S GOT HER CHEST OUT AGAIN
Sunetra & Brendan survey a Strictly Pros Cocktail Menu
Sunetra’s Cha Cha
No, really, the whole thing felt like the inspirational after-shot on 60 Minute Makeovers or a Weight Watchers Advert.
The inspiration woahs and yeahs and you go girls and i never knew life could be so amazing woos on the soundtrack and the slightly awkward but endearingly sassy mum dancing
with the slightly embarrassed looking but still supple “is-older-than-he’s-pretending-to-be” aspirational hunk whirling around beside her. Isn’t this the sort of project Alesha Dixon left Strictly to front? She must be spitting. She would have scored this a 10 and started hollering about how Sunetra Sarker is a REAL WOMAN WHO WE LOVE JUST THE WAY SHE IS. Personally I feel like making a life-change and making my New Year’s Resolutions early and becoming the me I always knew I could be if only I didn’t love biscuits quite so much. FLAP THOSE ARMS AND BECOME THE SWAN WITHIN GIRL! It might not quite be cha cha from head to toe, but it warmed my heart.
Coming up : on Hannibal on NBC
The Face Claudia Would Have Got Out Of Mark Last Week If She’d Really Pushed It
Mark’s American Smooth
Another week, another frankly baffling piece of theming. I’m presuming this week’s garden themed American Smooth is a reference to how the women of Essex like to get their ladygardens vajazzled. My theory is that the fact that this couple is the second Mark & Karen in Strictly history has overloaded the stupid props computer, and it’s just churning out stuff at random. This dance theme was originally supposed to be used in Strictly 2016 for Monty Don (yes they do have things planned out that far in advance). Basically this couple are Strictly’s very own Y2K bug. Anywho the dance is quite boring and Mark is wearing a jumper to hide rampant sweat patch which…we’ve all been there, right? He and Karen both walk around (and I do mean WALK for a lot of it) all
“oooh, what a lovely clematis” and
“what a simply FAB pussywillow” and then that’s it. Mark asked in his VT if this is the sort of dance he should do at his wedding next year, and given the nature theme they’d probably be outside the marquee whilst I was inside scarfing down chilli-cheese sausage rolls, so I’m all for it.
Joanne Clifton – Doing A Face
Honestly, I was waiting for the angry feminists to come in any second and start yelling about how BLUE ISN’T JUST FOR BOYS YOU KNOW HOW SEXIST. The idea is that they’re next-door neighbours who are in love and who are also teenagers, and Scott goes in for a too-early snog which gets denied, leading to a fiery tango. To “Stop!” by The Spice Girls.
I also feel like I’ve gone on about incest vibes far too much this series already, but that staging reaaaaalllly reads more as brother and sister to me than anything else. Also Joanne is actually hugging a teddy at the beginning and I feel like this is the point where we all need reminding that Scott Mills is 40 YEARS OLD and Joanne is IN HER 30S. It’s kind of hard to find anything to say about this dance other than it should never have happened on any level and let’s all just agree to forget about it and move on.
IAN BEALE’S FACE OF WONDER
Pixie Lott is SO BUSY YOU GUYS!
So busy doing a singing!
So busy doing a thing for kids and stuff!
So busy doing Alan Carr : Chatty Man in Studio 2!
So busy she was half way out the studio even as her scores were being revealed because she’s JUST SO BUSY!
So busy hosting her own impromptu Chat Show – Pixie’s Gossip Corner With This Week’s Guest Sinetra Sharker (SORRY, TOO BUSY TO LEARN HER ACTUAL NAME SO BUSY)
Too busy even to appear in her own VT so here’s a picture of Trent looking a bit stoned instead!
SO BUSY YOU GUYS! IF SHE DOESN’T MAKE IT FOR NEXT WEEK’S SHOW JUST SAY THAT IT’S HER BYE-WEEK LIKE NATALIE HAD LAST YEAR! SO SO BUSY!
That bridge has seen so many feet in its time. So, so many feet. In this case, rather than being a downwards ramp serving to desperately give Audley Harrison some momentum, any momentum at all, here it’s being used as a ballet bar for Pixie to do her best moves off.
As Craig will later point out, one of these is a “port de bras” (from the French, meaning “wearing a bra”) and one of them is a “rond de jombe” (from the French, meaning “round of ham”). So yeah, because Pixie is SO BUSY, SO BLOODY BUSY, SO BLOODY BUGGERING BUSY SHE MIGHT DIE ANY SECOND she was doing a lot of sort-of-contemporary stuff in with all the waltzing, which you suspect she could already do. Basically it feels like a return volley in the war between her and Frankie as to which sort-of-likeable sort-of-a-bit-dull pop star could do a waltz based around moves from their own music videos. WHOO! My favourite moment was when Trent wrapped her in a blanket and she went cross-eyed orgasmic.
I presume she doesn’t know that’s what his dog sleeps on.
MMM SMELLS LIKE SAUSAGES!
Standing Ovation Count So Far :
Alison, Caroline, Frankie, Jake, Pixie, Simon : 2
Mark, Scott, Steve, Sunetra, Thom : 1
Gregg, Jennifer, Judy, Tim : 0
Steve’s Cha Cha
Yes, this is this show’s vision of Steve’s day job. Not analysing snake poop for potassium levels or wading around waist-deep in river waiting to get covered in leeches, but investigating treasure maps and hauling up large hoardes of treasure and
giving yourself a hernia trying to lift the things back to shore. I’m not sure if Ola was supposed to be a mermaid or a pirate wench or just a generic slag-in-a-box but she was definitely in full-on Ola Latin form and we all know what that means
OLA’S STARFISH. In this case, right in Ian Beale’s face
FRONT AND BACK!
After the dance Steve had his usual mildly odd Gay Panic about this swearing blind that he was aiming for a woman when he ended up sticking his dick in Ian Beale’s face but, let’s face it, we’ve all heard that excuse before haven’t we? Matters were only compounded by this being Craig’s one-dance-per-series where he gets randomly weird about how camp something just was and scores it THE SAME AS GREGG WALLACE DAHLING despite the dance empirically speaking not being that bad. Which gender issues make this the perfect place for this poll, more relevant than ever now that we’re no longer in the YEAR OF THE WOMAN.
Kevin Clifton – Doing A Face
So that’s a show in the ’10s that began in the ’00s and named after a film from the ’90s and another tv show from the ’40s apeing a show that aired in the ’70s and ’80s about the ’50s to frame a dance from the ’20s. Not at all confusing. And all because the song has the word “Saturday” in it.
I’d say that this is a clear sign that the show has completely run out of ideas with what to do with such a specific dance style as the Charleston, but based on this week’s tango choices they’ve run out of ideas with that as well, and you can take away my tango over my COLD DEAD BODY. It was all fun, and manic, and a bit hard to tell what was going on and I spent the whole time thinking that Kevin Clifton really really really isn’t a Fonzie so much as he is an Utter Potsie.
Score Reveal Faces
…and one last thing
Whilst this mess happening at Top 15 is a relatively new phenomenon in recapping, the long proud tradition of ignoring the least interesting dancer at Top 14 is an old one. Widdy, Dear Russell, Dave Myers and…I think Jerry Hall (?) have all suffered this indignity before with me writing them off with a couple of pictures and a dismissive wave because to be honest 14 people is still too many people to write about in one go. But after four years of doing this I’ve realised it’s quite rude, so I’m not going to do it anymore.
This is your opportunity to vote someone out of the next recap, for one week only. The person with the most votes in the below poll will get two pictures and that’s it. If you think this is mean, just view it was the early bottom 2 appearance that a celeb needs to be more interesting damnit.