Strictly Come Dancing 12 – Week 2 Performance Summary

There’s 15 couples still in, so let’s break this down by genre for ease of digestion :

Waltz : Tim and Jennifer find themselves locked in a fierce battle to see who can do the most “awwwwwww” inspiring older person waltz. And whilst Jennifer might have a cute Irishman and Aretha Franklin on her side, Tim has his actual adoring wife, Disney’s “When You Wish Upon A Star” and a GIANT ACTUAL STAR WITH NATALIE LOWE IN IT, so he wins by TKO. Left to try to be actually good is Pixie who is, quite, but for the second week in a row her VT is her constantly saying how very very busy and in demand she is and it feels a bit desperate in a way that her dancing isn’t. Also they made Trent straighten his hair and wear brown which I’m very much not in favour of.

Tangos To The Worst Music Choices Possible : Caroline has some unidentifiable CLUB BANGAH and it doesn’t really work, Simon has Ed Sheeran (?) and it kind of works out of hold but not so much in it, and Scott has STOP! BY THE SPICE GIRLS (?!??!?!?!?!?!) and he and Joanne are two teens in love who live next door to one another in the 1960s and oh God none of this makes any sense please pick more appropriate songs next week producers for the love of God tango is my favourite dance on Strictly and you are ruining it with this GARBAGE, was Natalie Gumede last year’s wrecked tango not enough?

Foxtrots Mostly Out Of Hold With The Occasional Lift : OK, Mark’s doing an actual American Smooth and Alison’s just doing a foxtrot mostly out of hold with a lot of tittyography but I actually end up forgiving her and preferring hers because she and Aljaz together are a fireball of sex and Mark’s supposedly romantic classic Hollywood dance is limper than Gregg’s wrist in a cha cha. For the second week in a row his theme is entirely random – he’s Karen’s saucy gardener but it’s all really less Lady Chatterley’s Lover and more Lady Chatterley’s Gay Brother Who Models For Matalan At The Weekend.

Charleston : Gregg spends most of his charleston titting around with a cake and then he sticks his face in it at the end, and I pity any of you who bought that line they were selling on It Takes Two this week that he was going to redeem himself with this because LOL.

Rock N Roll : I mean God bless Kevin for his absolute refusal to accept that nobody liked the Rock N Roll in Series 7 (partly because it’s just swing dancing in leather jackets, and partly because it was being danced by a CRIMINAL and Natalie Cassidy who, lest we forget, was too tall for it) but when something is advertised as a Charleston then nobody’s expecting to see two people dressed like it’s the 50s dancing like its the 50s to a song about the 50s. At least Frankie is trying to show some personality. Trying.

Salsambcha : This is really where all the action is though. Thom’s still deathly boring and Steve is still far far camper than he will ever allow himself to believe he is (and still following Chris Hollins’ trajectory through the competition by the way) but in the other three performances we have Strictly moments for the ages. Sunetra breaks through her sarky, chippy and generally too-cool-for-school exterior with a female-empowerment themed cha cha to Whitney Houston that feels a bit like the last few triumphant shots of a Weight Watchers advert. She weeps afterwards. Jake breaks through the perception that he might be a one-dancce-wonder by breaking out all over the place in a salsa which features a display of utter spine-bending insanity from Janette that reminds me why I was so excited by her being a pro in the first place. I weep afterwards. And immediately after JUDY MURRAY has a full body breakdown on the floor as she does a tennis-themed cha-cha in which Anton STICKS HIS FACE IN HER HOO HOO IN THE FIRST 30 SECONDS and then she just kind of wanders around post-coitally confused. Scotland weeps afterwards.


40 thoughts on “Strictly Come Dancing 12 – Week 2 Performance Summary

  1. Lesley Rigg

    Darcy appeared to me to have blue eye make-up on one eye and green on the other, but maybe that was the Rose!

    Spent Thom’s salsa hiding behind the sofa (or making tea) and not looking because it was dad-dancing embarrassing, which is a bit odd, because that should have been Jake Wood, but he was good, and Jeanette was mental!

    Think I was suspending disbelief by the time we reached Steve Backshall so wasn’t quite so difficult to watch but I have a theme-tune of he’s “he’s such an idiot mum” ringing in my ears to contend with. Bless the under 13 vote.

    Tim and Jennifer – sweet, Judy monumentally stilted.

    Sunetra – lovely understated char-char-char darling, Alison – getting away with it.

    Everything else blended into Claud’s Claret coloured play-frock thingy.

    1. monkseal Post author

      Thom I think actually had quite good hip action but…that’s pretty much it. And even that he turned on and off like a light-switch.

  2. Left Feet

    Jake Wood salsa for me was the best dance of the night. He is by far the best of the men in both styles. Its good to see a male dancing to that level that early have not seen that since Jason Donovan in 2011 really. I think that is has done some dancing at Stage School but I don’t really care, Strictly is never been a level playing field. Early days but I can see him in the final unless he does a Maslen.
    Poor Judy though having to follow that!

    1. monkseal Post author

      I was just checking who had to follow Sophie’s Wk2 Charleston last year. Apparently it was Ben Cohen’s waltz.

  3. catherinehirst

    Jake’s salsa was amazing – one of my favourite Strictly dances of all time, in fact. Actually had to look away for nearly all of Judy’s (or more accurately Anton’s) TRAINWRECK. Excrutiatingly embarrassing.

    1. monkseal Post author

      Honestly I give Anton as much leeway as I can, and she clearly had no idea about the routine at all so some non-dancing probably had to be choreographed in just to prevent a meltdown but…Judy Murray’s intentional comedy bones about extend to “MY SON ANDY SAID THIS” so he probably shouldn’t have been straining so hard for the ha-has. Widdy as a politician at least had a finely honed sense of panto.

  4. dancing cake

    I’ve already forgotten all the dances except the best and the worst … am really pleased Jake wasn’t just a one-dance wonder. Not sure putting Iveta with Ken doll Thom will bring out the best in her. I wish Mark could come back every week and BOM BOM BOM …

  5. Penny

    I cannot get enough of Goofy Alijaz. I will be voting for Allison for as long as he keeps doing the cute faces (many recap photos plz).

  6. pootle

    I used to resent Aljaz for inflicting the Nehves on the world, but I’m totally on his side after designing that sub/dom office filth.

    1. Marie

      Funny that for all the rumours/speculation floating about last year, there was more chemistry(/filth) in that routine than there ever was with Abbey.

  7. Ferny

    Loved the tricks in Jake’s salsa….just looking at him in normal life you’d never believe he could dance like that. And Steve talks nothing like he looks. Both surprise me every time!

    Love Team Ali this year, I really hope she doesn’t go all ‘Lisa Riley’ on us. Aliaz is lovvveeelly, and you’re right- total sex!

    I can’t see Steve ‘breaking out’ with a Charleston like Chris Hollins…if anything, I’m hoping he might pull a great Argentine Tango out the bag. What do you think is going to be his version of the Chris Hollins Charleston?

    1. Ross

      Either an Argentine Tango or a Paso. Although if he goes on a “journey” about his arms he might pull out a nice Viennese Waltz later on (Shirtless Erotic Viennese Waltz please, not Tie-and-Tails Prim Romantic Viennese Waltz).

    2. monkseal Post author

      He’ll do a paso and everyone will jizz themselves senseless because of his ARRRRRRRRRRMS – Ola was already choreographing bits into his tango.

      (Please note, this is not an actual prediction, as we have established that this is a Post-Abbey World and I’m not doing them any more)

  8. JJB

    Gredd’s Charleston has got to be Aliona suddenly going ‘Wait a moment. I love Custard. Gregg loves custard. Gregg has access to custard…. GIVE ME DESSERTS NOW!”

  9. Chris

    I loved Brendan’s ‘like fuck are we doing the rumba.’ I don’t know whether it was a veiled dig at Sunetra (I don’t think a Brendan hate-pairing has ever surfaced this early), or just his continued commitment to wiping the world free of DIRTY FILTHY RUMBAS.

    Scott’s dance was just inexplicable.

    1. monkseal Post author

      I think it was fairly apparent that he and Bloody Lulu loathed one another from the second she screamed “NOOOOOOOOOOO!” when she was partnered with him.

  10. Breppo

    O dear, that rock ‘n’ roll Charleston. Never has there been a greater abomination in the eyes of me since the advent of rap- en hiphopmetal in the nineties. What was Grimsby’s pride thinking?

      1. Breppo

        If that is true, it wasn’t a bad effort.
        TPTB must have set them up to fail (a bit) in order to get them to the final. Wouldn’t have done if the dirty ringah produced the perfect dance in week 2.

        BTW I love the way Iveta pronounces hot.

      2. Min

        When even wardrobe are questioning the music choice for a dance, you know that something is terribly wrong.

  11. dave

    Am very, very pleasantly surprised by Jake. And Janette too, who I thought was annoying last year but that was clearly more the Julien factor than anything else. Seriously, though, if they’re pulling that out in week 2… On that note though, what crazy score did Abbey’s ridiculous non-salsa get last year? Wasn’t that supposedly perfect? Huh… Would love to have the judges view them both side by side and squirm under Claudia’s inquisition of “what the hell is this crap then guys?”

    Also loving Alison & Aljaz. I am annoyed that Abbey denied us camp Aljaz, as he is excellent fun. And am remembering why I kind of liked Alison in BB.

    1. monkseal Post author

      Abbey’s Disco Salsa did indeed get 40, although it’s alright because so did Natalie screaming “YOU’RE A VEGETABLE!” in Artem’s face.

  12. Neio

    Some very odd song choices this week, although I also get a little irked by couples repeating songs other couples have danced to (like Thom dancing to Ramps and Karen’s salsa song).

    Scott and Joanne’s Tango was a little bizarre. She hasn’t impressed with her choreography do far, although she’s not been helped by Scott’s level of ability of course.

    Jake was amazing, especially for week 2. I bet his odds have changed for winning.

  13. Marie

    Have already watched Jake’s salsa four times. He’s amazing – I knew he’d be good at the mean and moody dances (Max Branning <3) but I wasn't sure he could pull off loose and goofy.

    Scott was the low point of the night. *That* Spice Girls song? *Those* facial expressions? No, just no.

    Two weeks in and I'm loving Tristan, hiding behind the sofa at Joanne and sort of bemused by Trent. He's like a Ken doll crossed with a skinny John Barrowman.

  14. mimms

    That might just be the most perfect summary ever.
    Don’t bother doing a full reacp and just take the rest of the day off!

    1. monkseal Post author

      I mean…Max Branning was 2cms away from piledrivering her head through the studio floor, define “sensible”.

  15. Patrick

    Only just reading this now – I love that Ed Sheehan song Simon used and Caroline & Pashas song is my current chart fav (it’s Calvin Harris). Loved that both songs were used as Tangos as it’s usually cha chas that get assigned current songs, and most of the time these cha chas are bloody awful as they’re week 1-3 dances and everyone is finding their feet. Both tangos were pretty awesome.


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