Year Of The Children? Year Of The Bots?
Frankie Bridge : aka Frankie Saturday aka Frankie Sandford aka Frankie S-Club aka Frankie Knuckles aka Miguel Sanchez. Our first revealed celebrity this year is that one out of the Saturdays with the short hair. Don’t ask me to tell you more about her personality than that, I literally only know that the individual members of the Saturdays have names because Flo Rida told me so. (*looks name up again*) Frankie must be feeling pretty lucky, because the past few years have clearly been building up to (*checks notes*) Rochelle (?) doing the show, what with her burgeoning media career and multiple reality tv appearances. But then that Christmas Special happened, and after she nearly asphyxiated Ian Waite with her flying vagina (and Ian is a TALL man, so that takes some doing) they probably couldn’t get the insurance for her any more. And as the show was already contractually obliged to have a washed up girlband member on this series, they had to turn to another of the Saturday hive and it sure wasn’t going to be (*shuts eyes and points*) VANESSA was it? IMAGINE! Anyway, already the Year Of The Man is looking a bit wobbly, as Frankie is young, beautiful, musical, a WAG (based on last series those are on-trend now?) and already filled with far more potential than any guy from the cast of ’13 was. She also weathered the death threats one inevitably gets when one breaks up with a member of McFlea (I’m not saying I speak from experience. Well…non-imaginary experience anyway. That break-up sex was f…sorry, where was I?) so I have high hopes for her mental toughness to deal with Craig doin’ a mean. One last thing though that might hold her back. I’ve looked back to her younger days, her background and her CV and…well…there’s no easy way to put this, but…her resume says that she’s a Bad Girl.
Oh yeah, and she’s a DIRTY RINGAH(/took some dance lessons once).
Monkseal’s Suggested Pro : Do we have a new SEXXXXY pro to give the modelesque ringer to? We do! Trent Whiddon it is.
Judy Murray : A new type of celebrity for Strictly here : a woman famous only because of the men who came out her vagina. Obviously Judy is succesful in her field – she was apparently elected British Fed Cup Captain and Queen Of British Tennis recently over Andrew Castle after campaigning by repeatedly yelling “HOW MANY GRAND SLAM CHAMPIONS HAVE YOU GIVEN BIRTH TO?” and waving a knife around – but let’s face it the only reason we, those of us who only watch Grand Slams and then only for as long as we can bear John Inverdale, know who she is because of her kids. Judy first rose to national attention glowering over Andy at every Wimbledon, like a Caledonian Hera out of some sort of cheapo 70s sword and sandals epic, embarrassing her demigod son by yelling furiously at him, trying to seduce all of his opponents and generally…well, just by being his mum. Out of this seething Oedipal nightmare though eventually came Scotland’s first Wimbledon Singles Champion since 1896 and…well whatever Jamie won. I’m sure it was very nice as well. Having tasted success via her children, Judy is now a national treasure, dispensing her tennisy tips (yes, I said tips) to a new generation of future 2nd round wild card eliminees. All this is of course to say I am beyond excited that she is gracing Strictly Come Dancing with her presence for however long it lasts, and I look forward to Andy getting to sit on the sidelines pumping his fists and bellowing abuse mid-samba.
Monkseal’s Suggested Pro : I am positively flailing at the thought of watching her spending a month sexually terrorising Pasha.
Allison Hammond : Yes, as James Jordan, Claire King, and Audley Harrison all continue their precipitous decline from Strictly Come Dancing to All-Star Family Fortunes to Celebrity Big Brother to Ghosthunting with Derek Acorah to drunkenly yelling Kids In America on the District Line until they get arrested, we finally get to see who the first person to arrive up the elevator from the other direction is. And it’s Allison Hammond. To think, the first person to overcome the stain of Big Brother and achieve classy refined proper BBC 1 reality show dignity is a random early boot remembered chiefly for jumping up and down on a table until it broke and for being evicted after Davina revealed the voting percentages 30 minutes before the lines closed and shrieked “ERM, YOU’RE ABOUT TO VOTE THE ONLY FIT GUY OUT, CAN YOU NOT?”. And people say that show is rigged now. Allison managed to translate her brief spark of fame into a roaring bushfire of…erm…well she’s been doing celebrity puff-pieces for This Morning for a while now, and also she went on Stars In Their Eyes as Nina Simone which is…certainly a thought. Still she feels a bit more like the sort of celebrity you sweep onto the show at the end rather than leading with. Allison has actually made somewhat of a career out of being a reality show early boot, having bowed out early not only on Big Brother but also on I’m A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here and Celebrity Masterchef. Who’s to say whether she’ll do any better on Strictly. Given that she had a background in musical theatre I’m sure whatever she does, it’ll be with plenty of jazz hands.
Monkseal’s Suggested Pro : The contrast of Brenda Cole moving from the refined, dainty, elegant, chalk-pale, virginal English rose and darling of the Home Counties Sophie Ellis-Bextor to a big fat loud black Brummie woman who smashes furniture is too much to resist.
Sunetra Sarker : Yes, yes, we all know that if they ere going to cast a glamorous bitch-goddess Casualty senior-consultant it should have been Connie Beauchamp. But just as we got Tom Chambers instead of Luke Roberts, Woody instead of Guppy, and Jess Griffin instead of literally any other Holby City character ever, so we always have to deal with the vaguely disappointing hospital soap hand we’re dealt, and the hand in question is Dr Zoe Hanna. Personally I’m more familiar with her from her role in No Angels, which was classic student viewing if ever it existed, but apparently Sunetra Sarker has been doing Casualty for eight years now, and her storylines have, according to wikipedia, involved shagging about, getting repeatedly promoted and demoted in an entirely realistic way and ultimately, like all flesh, getting crushed under the wheels of yes…CONNIE BEAUCHAMP. One day you will do the show Amanda Mealing. You and your terrifying leopard-lady face, and I will be waiting. And voting.
Monkseal’s Suggested Pro : Give her to Aljaz. Based on last series, he’s got a talent for the Scouse.
Pixie Lott : So the show’s quest to make this not so much a series of Strictly as a 13 week long car journey stuck with a 12 year old girl in charge of the radio continues with Pixie Lott, a pop-star so anodyne she makes Rachel Stevens look like G G Allin. Chiefly known for her number 1 hits, Mama Do The Uh-Oh, Girls & Boys, and All About Tonight (which I always sing as “All A Bunch Of Shite” ALWAYS), Pixie Lott is smashing the panic button after one flop single and doing Strictly. Girl, have some self-confidence, nobody bought anything Sophie Ellis-Bextor put out for about a decade before she gave in. Is it worth it to put yourself through being the Denise/Natalie, with your face straight out The Biz and ballet and possibly ballroom training and already slight air of “I’m not really sure I want to be here“? Just because nobody bought (*checks*) “Lay Me Down”? Come on. Lady Gaga’s still trying. I can’t help but think if we were going to have a ringer who eked out a career from performances on reality tv result shows then we really are owed the wonderful wacky world of Paloma Faith instead. But I guess they DO have that embargo on the over 60s…
Monkseal’s Suggested Pro : Anton du Beke. YES, YOU HEARD ME. I just think it’d be different, and in this pretty bland looking cast, this series needs it.
Caroline Flack : Caroline Flack started off in television as the knock-off Cat Deeley to Sam & Mark’s Lidl Ant & Dec, and since then has gone on to have a wide-ranging and vari…oh no wait actually she’s more or less entirely presented reality tv spin-off shows. The Games, Big Brother, Fame Academy, X Factor, I’m A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here, Eurovision…you name it, Caroline Flack has discussed episodes of it with Marlon Dingle and members of Liberty X off on some satellite channel somewhere. Zoe Ball should probably have a knife stowed away under her glittery cushion is what I’m saying. Her job is NOT SAFE. Caroline is of course also famous for having sex with a member of One Direction and suffering the inevitable STDs one gets after being porked by Harry Styles – Squeaky Threats of Death. Craig Revell-Horwood’s well-worn bon mots will probably seem like nothing in comparison to @@FutureMrs_Styles69@@ DMing you that YOU’VE GOT FAT CALVES YOU OLD BITCH WHY NOT JUST KILL YOURSELF NOW YOU LESBIAN STOP COVERING UP LARRY STYLINSON FOR MANAGEMENT SYCO CORPORATE PIG-WHORE. As if these weren’t *enough* angles to keep you more interested than perhaps a second-tier satellite channel tv host and part time Maxim model should make you, she’s also the reigning (ie only) Dancing On Wheels champ AND her participation is one in the eye for Simon Cowell. In the way that only something that will get people saying things, literally any things at all, he’s not fussed, about X Factor will. He must be HATING it.
Monkseal’s Suggested Pro : Tristan MacManus. What a handsome couple they’d make. I’m sure she’s got a load of ill-advised tattoos somewhere about *her* as well.
Jennifer Gibney : And so the final name is revealed. To be honest I’m of two minds about her. On the one hand she’s the definition of famous-by-marriage. Her imdb page reveals that she’s more or less only ever been in Mrs Brown related productions, and from the one episode of it I’d seen her only role is to stand there corpsing at all her husbands jokes (also – I thought we’d left the psychosocial nightmare of someone casting their sexual partner as their child behind with The Krankies?). Also she’s more or less only ever been in MRS BROWN RELATED PRODUCTIONS. I cannot support that. On the other hand, this cast reveal so far has sorely been missing mad old bags and Jennifer seems like the closest we’ve got to that. And a mad old bag with a thick Irish accent is something this show has never done before. Unless that was what Nancy was aiming for I don’t know.
Monkseal’s Suggested Pro : Kevin Clifton. He’s the only one left, and also I’ve got a feeling that his sense of humour might actually mesh quite well with that of Brendan O’Carroll.