Strictly Come Dancing 12 – The Lovely Ladies

Year Of The Children? Year Of The Bots?

Frankie Bridge : aka Frankie Saturday aka Frankie Sandford aka Frankie S-Club aka Frankie Knuckles aka Miguel Sanchez. Our first revealed celebrity this year is that one out of the Saturdays with the short hair. Don’t ask me to tell you more about her personality than that, I literally only know that the individual members of the Saturdays have names because Flo Rida told me so. (*looks name up again*) Frankie must be feeling pretty lucky, because the past few years have clearly been building up to (*checks notes*) Rochelle (?) doing the show, what with her burgeoning media career and multiple reality tv appearances. But then that Christmas Special happened, and after she nearly asphyxiated Ian Waite with her flying vagina (and Ian is a TALL man, so that takes some doing) they probably couldn’t get the insurance for her any more. And as the show was already contractually obliged to have a washed up girlband member on this series, they had to turn to another of the Saturday hive and it sure wasn’t going to be (*shuts eyes and points*) VANESSA was it? IMAGINE! Anyway, already the Year Of The Man is looking a bit wobbly, as Frankie is young, beautiful, musical, a WAG (based on last series those are on-trend now?) and already filled with far more potential than any guy from the cast of ’13 was. She also weathered the death threats one inevitably gets when one breaks up with a member of McFlea (I’m not saying I speak from experience. Well…non-imaginary experience anyway. That break-up sex was f…sorry, where was I?) so I have high hopes for her mental toughness to deal with Craig doin’ a mean. One last thing though that might hold her back. I’ve looked back to her younger days, her background and her CV and…well…there’s no easy way to put this, but…her resume says that she’s a Bad Girl.

Oh yeah, and she’s a DIRTY RINGAH(/took some dance lessons once).

Monkseal’s Suggested Pro : Do we have a new SEXXXXY pro to give the modelesque ringer to? We do! Trent Whiddon it is.

Judy Murray : A new type of celebrity for Strictly here : a woman famous only because of the men who came out her vagina. Obviously Judy is succesful in her field – she was apparently elected British Fed Cup Captain and Queen Of British Tennis recently over Andrew Castle after campaigning by repeatedly yelling “HOW MANY GRAND SLAM CHAMPIONS HAVE YOU GIVEN BIRTH TO?” and waving a knife around – but let’s face it the only reason we, those of us who only watch Grand Slams and then only for as long as we can bear John Inverdale, know who she is because of her kids. Judy first rose to national attention glowering over Andy at every Wimbledon, like a Caledonian Hera out of some sort of cheapo 70s sword and sandals epic, embarrassing her demigod son by yelling furiously at him, trying to seduce all of his opponents and generally…well, just by being his mum. Out of this seething Oedipal nightmare though eventually came Scotland’s first Wimbledon Singles Champion since 1896 and…well whatever Jamie won. I’m sure it was very nice as well. Having tasted success via her children, Judy is now a national treasure, dispensing her tennisy tips (yes, I said tips) to a new generation of future 2nd round wild card eliminees. All this is of course to say I am beyond excited that she is gracing Strictly Come Dancing with her presence for however long it lasts, and I look forward to Andy getting to sit on the sidelines pumping his fists and bellowing abuse mid-samba.

Monkseal’s Suggested Pro : I am positively flailing at the thought of watching her spending a month sexually terrorising Pasha.

Allison Hammond : Yes, as James Jordan, Claire King, and Audley Harrison all continue their precipitous decline from Strictly Come Dancing to All-Star Family Fortunes to Celebrity Big Brother to Ghosthunting with Derek Acorah to drunkenly yelling Kids In America on the District Line until they get arrested, we finally get to see who the first person to arrive up the elevator from the other direction is. And it’s Allison Hammond. To think, the first person to overcome the stain of Big Brother and achieve classy refined proper BBC 1 reality show dignity is a random early boot remembered chiefly for jumping up and down on a table until it broke and for being evicted after Davina revealed the voting percentages 30 minutes before the lines closed and shrieked “ERM, YOU’RE ABOUT TO VOTE THE ONLY FIT GUY OUT, CAN YOU NOT?”. And people say that show is rigged now. Allison managed to translate her brief spark of fame into a roaring bushfire of…erm…well she’s been doing celebrity puff-pieces for This Morning for a while now, and also she went on Stars In Their Eyes as Nina Simone which is…certainly a thought. Still she feels a bit more like the sort of celebrity you sweep onto the show at the end rather than leading with. Allison has actually made somewhat of a career out of being a reality show early boot, having bowed out early not only on Big Brother but also on I’m A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here and Celebrity Masterchef. Who’s to say whether she’ll do any better on Strictly. Given that she had a background in musical theatre I’m sure whatever she does, it’ll be with plenty of jazz hands.

Monkseal’s Suggested Pro : The contrast of Brenda Cole moving from the refined, dainty, elegant, chalk-pale, virginal English rose and darling of the Home Counties Sophie Ellis-Bextor to a big fat loud black Brummie woman who smashes furniture is too much to resist.

Sunetra Sarker : Yes, yes, we all know that if they ere going to cast a glamorous bitch-goddess Casualty senior-consultant it should have been Connie Beauchamp. But just as we got Tom Chambers instead of Luke Roberts, Woody instead of Guppy, and Jess Griffin instead of literally any other Holby City character ever, so we always have to deal with the vaguely disappointing hospital soap hand we’re dealt, and the hand in question is Dr Zoe Hanna. Personally I’m more familiar with her from her role in No Angels, which was classic student viewing if ever it existed, but apparently Sunetra Sarker has been doing Casualty for eight years now, and her storylines have, according to wikipedia, involved shagging about, getting repeatedly promoted and demoted in an entirely realistic way and ultimately, like all flesh, getting crushed under the wheels of yes…CONNIE BEAUCHAMP. One day you will do the show Amanda Mealing. You and your terrifying leopard-lady face, and I will be waiting. And voting.

Monkseal’s Suggested Pro : Give her to Aljaz. Based on last series, he’s got a talent for the Scouse.

Pixie Lott : So the show’s quest to make this not so much a series of Strictly as a 13 week long car journey stuck with a 12 year old girl in charge of the radio continues with Pixie Lott, a pop-star so anodyne she makes Rachel Stevens look like G G Allin. Chiefly known for her number 1 hits, Mama Do The Uh-Oh, Girls & Boys, and All About Tonight (which I always sing as “All A Bunch Of Shite” ALWAYS), Pixie Lott is smashing the panic button after one flop single and doing Strictly. Girl, have some self-confidence, nobody bought anything Sophie Ellis-Bextor put out for about a decade before she gave in. Is it worth it to put yourself through being the Denise/Natalie, with your face straight out The Biz and ballet and possibly ballroom training and already slight air of “I’m not really sure I want to be here“? Just because nobody bought (*checks*) “Lay Me Down”? Come on. Lady Gaga’s still trying. I can’t help but think if we were going to have a ringer who eked out a career from performances on reality tv result shows then we really are owed the wonderful wacky world of Paloma Faith instead. But I guess they DO have that embargo on the over 60s…

Monkseal’s Suggested Pro : Anton du Beke. YES, YOU HEARD ME. I just think it’d be different, and in this pretty bland looking cast, this series needs it.

Caroline Flack : Caroline Flack started off in television as the knock-off Cat Deeley to Sam & Mark’s Lidl Ant & Dec, and since then has gone on to have a wide-ranging and vari…oh no wait actually she’s more or less entirely presented reality tv spin-off shows. The Games, Big Brother, Fame Academy, X Factor, I’m A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here, Eurovision…you name it, Caroline Flack has discussed episodes of it with Marlon Dingle and members of Liberty X off on some satellite channel somewhere. Zoe Ball should probably have a knife stowed away under her glittery cushion is what I’m saying. Her job is NOT SAFE. Caroline is of course also famous for having sex with a member of One Direction and suffering the inevitable STDs one gets after being porked by Harry Styles – Squeaky Threats of Death. Craig Revell-Horwood’s well-worn bon mots will probably seem like nothing in comparison to @@FutureMrs_Styles69@@ DMing you that YOU’VE GOT FAT CALVES YOU OLD BITCH WHY NOT JUST KILL YOURSELF NOW YOU LESBIAN STOP COVERING UP LARRY STYLINSON FOR MANAGEMENT SYCO CORPORATE PIG-WHORE. As if these weren’t *enough* angles to keep you more interested than perhaps a second-tier satellite channel tv host and part time Maxim model should make you, she’s also the reigning (ie only) Dancing On Wheels champ AND her participation is one in the eye for Simon Cowell. In the way that only something that will get people saying things, literally any things at all, he’s not fussed, about X Factor will. He must be HATING it.

Monkseal’s Suggested Pro : Tristan MacManus. What a handsome couple they’d make. I’m sure she’s got a load of ill-advised tattoos somewhere about *her* as well.

Jennifer Gibney : And so the final name is revealed. To be honest I’m of two minds about her. On the one hand she’s the definition of famous-by-marriage. Her imdb page reveals that she’s more or less only ever been in Mrs Brown related productions, and from the one episode of it I’d seen her only role is to stand there corpsing at all her husbands jokes (also – I thought we’d left the psychosocial nightmare of someone casting their sexual partner as their child behind with The Krankies?). Also she’s more or less only ever been in MRS BROWN RELATED PRODUCTIONS. I cannot support that. On the other hand, this cast reveal so far has sorely been missing mad old bags and Jennifer seems like the closest we’ve got to that. And a mad old bag with a thick Irish accent is something this show has never done before. Unless that was what Nancy was aiming for I don’t know.

Monkseal’s Suggested Pro : Kevin Clifton. He’s the only one left, and also I’ve got a feeling that his sense of humour might actually mesh quite well with that of Brendan O’Carroll.

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63 thoughts on “Strictly Come Dancing 12 – The Lovely Ladies

  1. Lesley Rigg

    heard this on R2 this afternoon, missed the name but guessed it would be her, they had all the Saturdays on t’lottery last weekend (it was a Saturday!) and it was all about her recent wedding. They’ve got a Best of album coming out too, whatever that means. I’ve just been informed by those who know that she’s married to a footie-chappie. I know of her as she was on Never Mind the Buzzcocks where she was mercilessly teased for having a tiny weeny musical knowledge n stuff! I think she would be best paired with Anton.

    Reply
    1. DJ MIkey

      Best of album, means their sick of the sight of each other and will be disbanding shortly before or after Strictly starts.

      There’s precedent for that as well:

      Take That
      East 17
      Steps
      Spice Girls
      S Club 7
      Any other “manufactured” group that ever released a Greatest Hits/Best Of album.

      Reply
      1. monkseal Post author

        I feel compelled to stand up for Westlife (lol) by pointing out that they limped on for a whole decade after their first Greatest Hits.

  2. Puzzled

    “I’ve looked back to her younger days, her background and her CV and…well…there’s no easy way to put this, but…her resume says that she’s a Bad Girl.”

    whats this referring to?

    Reply
  3. DJ Mikey

    Rochelle would have been my choice but then I find her the least objectionable. I officially hate Una now, because she won’t share Ben Foden. I think I can safely say that Frankie isn’t a ringer, judging by her and the other fours’ dancing in the video for Work – I mean it’s not even real dancing and they’re still a bit shit at it.

    Reply
    1. monkseal Post author

      Rochelle has already done GBBO AND a Christmas Special though. All Frankie’s done is The Door. She deserves a turn.

      Reply
  4. Huriye

    Don’t rule out the cute baby aspect to garnering votes in the training video….and no doubt there’ll be mascara smudged tears, as she’s missing ickle Parker whilst slaving over a gorgeous Pro….. Then again, it didn’t help Una on Splash!

    Having seen them miming on This Morning (they’re doing a “Greatest hits” Tour aswell) none of them can dance, so no dirty ringah yet….not from the Saturdays anyway. Mind you, none of them can really sing either. What a cacophony of noise! At least the Spice Girls had some tunes and melody….a bit.

    Poor Vanessa. The short one with the dark wavy hair. Since she got voted off Pop Star to Opera Star series 1, nothing, nowt, never seen again on any reality show. No popstar/rugbyplayer/footballer hubby and no sprog either. At least the blonde one supposedly had a date with Prince Harry.

    By the way, I don’t like this drip feed style announcement BBC. Just give us the blimmin’ line up in one asap!

    Reply
    1. Lesley Rigg

      true, I much prefer getting them announced all at the same time and going “nah, don’t know any of them” only to have an opinion them by about week four, that’s much more fun.

      Reply
  5. Minxy

    So looking forward to seeing how the Beeb describe her celebrity credentials in her intro ….
    “Woman who shot 2 tennis players out her fanny” doesn’t really cut it does it

    (I only know who she is because of you. I don’t follow, watch or read about sport at ALL)

    Reply
    1. monkseal Post author

      I don’t know that they SHOT OUT. I don’t think Andy Murray has ever SHOT OUT of anything, particularly not there.

      Reply
      1. Minxy

        Ah I can see the sense in the suggested intro’s

        But got to admit I would pay good money to hear my version
        Good money
        Good money I don’t even have

  6. Socksy

    Cannot WAIT for the weekly moment where Tess gets excited about Judy’s son being in the audience… *cut to Jamie*

    Reply
  7. Ross

    I’m in an awful quandary: I hold out precisely 0% hope for Judy, yet I simultaneously want her to score 9s across the board Week 1.

    Reply
  8. Huriye

    As Judy Murray is Twitter friends already with Ian Waite, you’d have thought the SCD Producers would’ve recalled him from the bench, especially after Robin got injured. Somehow I think poor Jude is destined for Tony Beke. BTW good lying to the papers saying she wasn’t a contestant before the announcement. I believed her.
    3 announcements down. Think this will be the Year of The Man.

    Reply
    1. missfrankiecat

      Yes I’m betting she’s with Anton too. And there is less chance of us seeing Andy in the stands than there was of Clooney in Snowden’s year. US Open, holiday, Florida training.

      Reply
      1. monkseal Post author

        But she’s his MUM.

        (*I was going to make a truly horrific joke here, but I’ll refrain*)

    2. Laura

      I agree she will get Anton. That might actually mean she’s half-decent though because I think the producers are desperate to get rid of him and will only do that if he either wins or dies. Giving him the ‘national treasure’ is probably going to help with the first one of those, especially if she turns out to be all right.

      I do slightly bemoan the lack of actual tall male pros though (Brenda doesn’t count). Unless one of these three new chaps is some sort of giant.

      Reply
  9. Kelly

    Given how much Judy enjoyed tweeting photos of him, we may have just learned the real reason why Artem went back to the US. For his own safety!

    Reply
  10. Left Feet

    The first two names at least are not regulars at reality TV, Alison Hammond is probably the sort of name who you sort of expect as filling out the cast. Actually she is not somebody I really have seen as I don’t watch daytime TV or BB or IAC so he is a blank slate to me. Not really excited by this casting I’m afraid.

    Reply
    1. monkseal Post author

      It does feel a bit like they felt obliged to have someone from ITV morning shows because they almost always do and they almost always do absolutely nothing.

      Reply
  11. peeve

    Like most British tennis ‘fans’ (I use the word loosely), tennis doesn’t really exist outside two weeks at the end of June each year in South West London, but even I know that Jamie Murray won Wimbledon YEARS before his brother, wotsisname. In 2007, to be exact, when he won the Mixed Doubles with Jelena Jankovic. So there.

    Reply
    1. monkseal Post author

      Mixed Doubles is totally the free swim of Wimbledon. Half the time they look like they’re stifling fits of the giggles at even doing it.

      Reply
  12. Neio

    One of the men has just been announced – Thom Evans (INCREDIBLY hot ex rugby player and ex of Kelly Brook). I approve!

    Reply
  13. Bashful82

    Yes he is incredibly hot. Though the spelling of his first name bugs me. Still, yay hot (ex) rugby player bods.

    Reply
  14. Huriye

    Considering how out of breath Alison Hammond was on This Morning when just sashaying up to Eammon & Ruth to announce how excited she was to be doing the show, I’d say Bobby Windsor style Jazz Hands will be all she’s capable of in the first few weeks. Though Ruth did say she’s a “good mover”. I’ll believe it when I see it. And I can cook better Carribean food than her offerings on Celeb Masterchef, and I’m not even Carribean. Though I do like her personality, and think she’s a very good presenter on her TM pieces. Rather her than another Towie nobody. And she can always lift her pro in the American Smooth.

    Reply
    1. monkseal Post author

      There’s still plenty of time for TOWIE nobodies. It’s come to something when I’m rooting for it to be Mark Wright just so it isn’t Joey Essex.

      Reply
  15. Huriye

    I remember the Sarker woman from Brookside, straddling a black guy and having full on camera sex. Quite racy for an Asian lady at the time.
    I too, would love Amanda Mealing one day. I especially wanted her for DOI, particularly as she’d trained at Ally Pally rink for an episode of something, where she played an icedancer with a Russian partner. Can only assume she said no to DOI and SCD, as she’d be the perfect contestant. And an added bonus would be Paul O’Grady in the audience, as she’s his firm friend.

    Reply
  16. Neio

    Pixie Lott? Meh. She seems like one of those pop stars who’s just forced on us whether we like it or not. Still, at least it wasn’t Eliza Doolittle…

    Paloma Faith, however, would be amazing on Strictly. This has to happen, somehow. Even if it’s just for a Christmas Special.

    Reply
  17. Lesley Rigg

    they couldn’t control Paloma Faith she says what she thinks about a nano-second after she thinks it, no filter. Meh, meh, meh, bored now – is it December? Maybe Norm from GBBO could do it.

    Reply
  18. Left Feet

    Think there are only three real contenders among the woman, Caroline Flack (who I voted for) and the two pop singers. Like to see Judy doing well and the other three are too unknown for me at this stage.

    Reply
  19. Ross

    Sunetra’s been on my wish list for YEARS, I am beyond happy. 😀 Hope she surprises everyone and challenges the Bots.

    Reply
  20. ynysmon

    OK I have my favorites
    Frankie-careful viewing of the above clips shows her to have very little natural talent, and a look of emotional insecurity.=Pendledrama returns
    Judy, I know who she is and like her. She is hardworking, horny and scary. Whats not to love. I am hoping for a Micheal Vaughn journey
    Jake Wood- Possibly he will be a showbiz performer, like Jason Donovon-Its a long shot. He has done mostly TV but I am putting it out there
    Last year my early call was, Rachel, Julian and Fiona

    Reply
    1. ynysmon

      More thoughts
      Another reason I am looking forward to Judy is I think the training videos will be fun. In a training room she is used to being BOSS, this may translate badly . I sort of think Trent would be the most terrified
      I have not called out for Steve as I might jinx him, I will be keeping a close eye on him in the opening dance

      Reply
      1. Kate

        I want to see Judy with Brenda. That would make for mega style power struggles, plus endless passive aggressive strops from Brenda. It would be entertaining to see the poor man being metaphysically castrated, instead of having another timid young girl to lord it over… but I fear Anton it is, though that could lead to the high comedy of him actually having an able partner he has to choreograph and remember routines with… which should show him up somewhat..
        (On another point, do you think the producers will ever get rid of Anton a la James Jordan demotion, or just wait for him to die?)

  21. Huriye

    Thanks for explaining who the hell Jennifer Gibney was. Had no idea.
    But disagree with you Monkseal, from the tiny bits I’ve seen of Mrs Brown’s Boys, isn’t she taller than her off screen hubby? Think KFG will be too short, and she will get Tristan, to make it an Irish double, and they’ll probably train in Dublin to boot.

    Very surprised by the Ladies’ vote. I voted for Alison Hammond, currently bottom.
    She may not dance as well as Caroline Flack (LOVED your write up of her BTW!!:D )
    Or look as glam in the frocks as Frankie Saturday.
    But she’s a genuinely nice person. I like her personality anyway.

    All in all…..got to be….WORST LINE-UP EVAH! FACT!

    STRICTLY GOES TACKY 2014………..

    Reply
    1. monkseal Post author

      I will say that one thing Digital Spy is good for is an exhaustive list of everyone’s heights, and apparently Jennifer is about 5ft6.

      Reply
  22. Minxy

    Ooh I didn’t know we were supposed to be excited. ….
    I only get excited once the car crashes start happening and for your pointing them out with pics :)in the blogs. I tend to be looking away at the best bits without fail
    I did vote for Sunitra cos I liked her in No Angels, though without your write up the name was meaningless

    Meh meh meh
    But then I always think that
    And usually someone manages to pique my interest once it starts.

    Reply
    1. Huriye

      At least Flack looked enthusiastic on the Red Carpet. The Pixie woman has this constant ‘too cool for skool’ demeanor that is already tres annoying.

      I searched the press hordes for Monkseal on the Red Button.
      Were you invited? If not, you shoulda been.

      Reply

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