THE CURTAIN FALLS
Previously in Monkseal’s Life : After two glorious summers recapping the sexual adventures of Gavin Henson and Spencer from Made In Chelsea, Monkseal spent a year of his life WITHOUT recapping an asinine dating reality show, and it was awful. Then along came “I Wanna Marry “Harry”” and everything was right again.
Previously on “I Wanna Marry “Harry”” : 12 young free probably-single American women signed up to live the dream – a shag, a holiday, and a tv appearance. ALL FOR FREE! To get there, they had to jump through even more bullshit improv-comedy hoops than usual for this sort of show, including fake paparazzi, fake terrorist attacks, awful photoshop, a bachelor who made Ralph “So…Do You…Like…Stuff?” Wiggum look like Tracey Cox : Date Doctor, a regime of constant force-feeding immediately followed with bikini-pageant-time, assault-courses for no reason and beauty pageants for even less. Oh and they all had to commit to pretending that they sort of maybe thought this could definitely be Prince Harry. They were eliminated, one by one, for the following reasons :
Leah : being too cool for this shit
Andrea : lesbianism
Dr Carley : refusing to recognise the state of Israel
Chelsea : eating a bee and getting medivac’d
Anna Lisa : wondering why Lord McAlpine was trending on twitter *innocent face*
Drunk Maggie : killing Lucy Beale
Tacky Jackie : pulling the Wicked Wango card
MegHan : actually, literally, shat herself
Rose : after considering Matt’s offer decided that actually she wouldn’t be prepared to disrupt her kids schooling by moving them to another country and respectfully quit
(Not really, it was all due to “lack of chemistry” or some rubbish like that)
This leaves social worker and saint of the five boroughs Kimberly, Kelley who isn’t right, and Karina. Who I’m already considering fan-ficcing out of this recap in favour of MegHan yelling about shitting alphabetti spaghetti some more.
Coming up on I “Wanna” “Marry” “Har””ry” : something involving a petrol bomb hopefully.
We start with Matt Hicks (damnit!) telling us all that he’s really emotionally invested in all three of the finalists. No really. Honestly. He cares. Meanwhile Karine skips giddily downstairs wondering what might be for breakfast. If it were up to Kelley, probably it would be Karina’s ex-boyfriend and if she refused to eat his liver then THAT WOULD JUST PROVE SHE STILL LOVES HIM PRINCE HARRY, THROW HER IN THE TOWER AND CUT OFF HER HEAD. Kelley interviews that at this point she’s decided that she’s the only one there for the right reasons. What a surprise. What a fruit-loop. As the women sit eating their grapefruits, Kingsley enters and Kelley practically starts dry-humping him. The last time I saw someone this excited to be in the finale of a reality show…well it was Susanna Reid, which wasn’t that long ago. Let’s hope that Kelley does the paso doble then enters into a half-hour coma.
Kingsley tells the women that, before he ran off with that Bulgarian power-bottom last week, Seacrest’s Intern left one last surprise date for all of them, each at one of London’s most spectacular landmarks. Presumably this is to sate Kelley in case she makes a break for it and pulls a Michael Fagan halfway through the episode. The Queen’s old. Her health is probably failing. The last thing she needs is to wake up to see Kelley hovering over her bed yelling “AH’M GONNA BE YER NOOO GRAND-DORTER YER MAJESTY!”. Naked. All the women yamp off to a helicopter, as Kelley interviews fumingly about how she’s jealous of how physical Prince Harry has got with Kimberly and Karina. After that quarry blasting masquerading as “kissing” you pulled last week Kelley you should be glad he’s not get a restraining order. Yet.
Karina interviews that this whole experience has been an emotional roller-coaster. Mmm hmm. I’m imagining Karina’s “emotional rollercoaster” is, like “Thomas The Tank Engine’s Mild Mild Ride!”. So boring. Once the helicopter’s landed, the women disembark into a limo, which ferries them to a bar. Karina and Kimberly joke happily about how if Prince Harry turns them down they can at least get him to set them up with one of his rich City friends, which of course causes Kelley to full on split her wig and go on and on about how they’re NOT HERE FOR THE RIGHT REASONS and go off on another half-hour long tangent about Karina’s ex-boyfriend again, some more, complete with flashback to Karina handing round his picture and saying “OH YEAH, I FUCKED THAT! YOU JELUS?”.
Kelley’s date is first, and is at the Gherkin. Kelley is in full-on tacky tourist mode, giggling about how she loves the view and asking Matt if he can see his house from here *wink wink*. Matt then somehow makes me feel somewhat sorry for Kelley when he whines in interview that he feels like Kelley is really pushing him to lie more and more. Victim-blaming, it’s what’s for dinner. As Matt and Kelley have all the sexual connection of a llama and a suitcase, we wend down memory lane with the greatest hits of Matt and Kelley’s dates. That time they went boating and she talked about The Notebook and she smacked her head on the side of a boat. That time they went to a diner and we found out she had childhood leukemia. That time they rode a tandem in the rain. That time she killed a guinea-fowl for him with her bared teeth. Back in the room, Kelley is ratting Karina and Kimberly out for that joke they made about Prince Harry setting them up with one of his friends. Oh grow up. There then follows this conversation :
Kelley : Hey, do you know what’s in Karina’s wallet?
Matt : Not really, because I don’t make a habit of rifling through strangers private possessions. Also I think it’d be really tacky and awful and not-your place to tell me, just in case you were thinking of doing that.
Kelley : OH OF COURSE, I WOULD NEVER!
Matt : So you’re kind of gross then?
Kelley : Sure! SOMETHING SOMETHING RIGHT REASONS SOMETHING.
Matt (*in interview*) : Everything that Kelley believes is a lie. And I’m not just talking about this show, I’m talking about LIFE. I am worried that if I told her the truth she would shank me with a chicken-bone.
Next up is Karina’s date. It’s at the London Eye. They’re surrounded by tourists the whole time, none of whom give one solitary shit, kind of giving the lie to all the previous incidents where literally everyone from the general public who came within 5 feet of “Prince Harry” immediately flung themselves at him and asked him to cure their scrofula. Hilariously, the show has stationed his security men IN SEPARATE BUBBLES OF THE LONDON EYE as it goes round. What use they’re supposed to be to him there I don’t know. Maybe they can watch helplessly as international super-spy Karina slips cyanide into his food. Karina interviews that everything has led up to this moment, and she would do literally anything to be Prince Harry’s girlfriend. Except be interesting apparently.
Matt despite having shut Kelley down earlier, has apparently surmised from her babbling that Karina has hidden in her wallet a plaster-cast model of her ex-boyfriend’s dick which she uses to frig herself senseless every night. AND THIS CONCERNS HIM. He quizzes Karina over her feelings for her ex, and she says that she’s over him. She did love him, and pondered a future with him, but in the end there were so many things about the relationship that never would have worked. I’m guessing his team got relegated then. Karina asks Matt if he’s ever been heartbroken like that, and of course he’s as maddeningly vague and non-specific as ever. He was. Once. He guesses. But it was for the best. Sort of. Hilariously Matt says that Karina thinks that this story is coming from Prince Harry, but it is in fact a real story from HIS LIFE. MATT HICKS’ LIFE (damnit)! Yeah, wow, you get dumped, sort of, probably, for some reason. Way to put yourself out there. Matt whines some more about how this is so hard for him and he wants the women to see the real him and BLAH BLAH the “real you” is not something buried under all this bullshit MATT HICKS (damnit). The real you IS AND ENCOMPASSES all this bullshit MATT HICKS (damnit).
Karina and Matt make out on the London Eye a lot. It saves listening to her talk I guess.
Last up it’s Kimberly, who is meeting Matt as night falls over Tower Bridge. Which Kimberly calls “The Tower Bridge”. Bless her. She tells us all that London is so much more special and exciting than New York and gasps at the view a lot. I mean…it’d be hard NOT to play this game better than most of the contestants on it have but let’s just say I respect her abilities. They settle down for macaroons and champagne and Matt runs through his issues with Kimberly again – it’s that she’s so guarded. Fascinating. Kimberly tells Matt that she doesn’t care where her date is, as long as it’s with him, and Matt tells her that he likes her so much more than she thinks he does. They then stare coyly at one another a lot, and Matt interviews that he feels like Kimberly can see directly into his soul.
Somebody associated with this show has one? TIE ME DOWN.
Then they snog a lot as the twinkly winner music plays.
Dates over, and back at the “castle” the women all sit around as Matt hashes out his issues on the therapist’s couch with Kingsley again. Karina asks out loud what the other two women would be prepared to do to win, and Kelley starts babbling on insanely about how Prince Harry is the perfect man and she would do anything to have him. Karina interviews that is actually scary having Kelley be this close to her human presence. With knives around and everything. Kingsley enters and tells Kelley that Sir would like a word with her, and she goes willingly and doesn’t even strangle one person. I mean…she does know what’s about to happen, right?
Matt meets Kelley in the fairy-light gazebo as Kelley interviews insanely some more about how Kimberly and Karina only like Prince Harry because he’s Prince Harry. Unlike her, who literally cannot stop name-checking royalty every 5 seconds. There was a segment earlier when she was just sitting there saying “I WONDER WHAT KATE MIDDLETON IS DOING RIGHT NOW!” for absolutely no reason for goodness sake. Once Matt’s sat down, Kelley asks if she can tell him something and he says yes and she says that it’s he’s the ultimate man and she loves everything about him especially what she saw through her spy camera last night and by spy camera she means the squirrel that lives in her bra that she sends on missions and that speaks to her wink wink. Matt gears up slowly for the brush-off, telling Kelley that he really admires the fact that she had the cancer, and of course there’s no brushing Kelley off, so she starts yelling over the top of him that she REALLY ADMIRES HOW HE HAS SERVED HIS TOWN (?) AND COUNTRY!
So he brings the knife down and Kelley’s face collapses like a souffle on Celebrity Masterchef and then she just…leaves? I mean, she calls Kimberly and Karina evil sluts who aren’t there for the right reasons in interview again but…I can’t quite believe nobody even got spat on. What a let-down. What a waste of crazy.
Anyway, Matt tells Karina and Kimberly that they are the final two and they’re all woo and stuff. I warn you now, the last even remotely fascinating person just left, so this is going to be quite a short rest-of-the-recap.
It’s the next day now, and the voiceover tells us that this evening it’s all going to go down. The whole shebang. A winner revealed, a true identity exposed, a pointless extra twist added for no reason. As the women get their warpaint on, Karina interviews that she doesn’t think there are that many layers to Matt’s relationship with Kimberly. Kimberly interviews meanwhile that she’d be really heartbroken if Karina got picked and she didn’t. Nice that she’s leaving the door open for a threesome there. That’s probably why she won. Fully prepared, both Kimberly and Karina descend the main staircase and it’s hard to tell who looks more hideous. Karina is done up like Anne of Cleeves and Kimberly is wearing a FAKE FUR STOLE AND TIN FOIL GREY BALLGOWN. They’re dressed like this to go out into the garden because of course they are.
The garden has been done out like a Winter Wonderland, with fake snow and magical sparklers and wreaths and phony styrofoam icicles. Karina gushes that if she was Prince Harry’s girlfriend then EVERY DAY would be like this. LOL ok. In sequence both Kimberly and Karina get taken off to one side, 5 ft away from the other and made out with. Just when you think this show can’t get any tackier, here we are. They both get special montages of all their best bits from the dates, which mostly serves to remind me that Matt’s hair really has not been the same colour from one episode to the next. This show is so cheap-ass they can’t even keep a ginger dye-job up.
So anyway, Karina loses and feels terribly embarrassed that she put herself out there so much for a guy who clearly doesn’t care about her and runs right back to her ex-boyfriend I’m guessing and then Kimberly wins and Matt’s all “so…I’m not really Prince Harry, my name is MATT HICKS (damnit), does this change your feelings for me in any way whatsoever even perfectly understandable ones like wanting to kick me in the nuts for participating in a reality designed solely so millions of people can laugh at how stupid you are?” and Kimberly’s all “LOL NO I’M JUST THAT STUPID AND IF I DIDN’T SEE THE BENEFIT OF SETTING FIRE TO MY DIGNITY AND SELF-RESPECT FOR NO REASON OTHER THAN JUST TO WATCH IT BURN I WOULDN’T BE HERE” and then Kinglsey waddles out and says “so, does anyone want $250,000 BITCHEZ” and Matt’s all “LOL I DO!” and then the show gets cancelled midway through ayway so they don’t get paid it anyway because that’s how prize money on US reality tv works.
So there we go. This just ended. With Kimberly and Matt riding off into the sunset on Kelley’s tandem. I suppose it’s too much to hope that she’s rigged it to explode. Let’s all just sit and contemplate how much of our lives that we spent on this, and all drink a toast to the stars of this series. Drunk Maggie. Seacrest’s Intern. The side of that boat for sending Kelley insane. And above all else, MegHan’s tits.
Until The Bachelorette : Malia Obama I bid you adieu.