In a very real way, the true winner is revealed.
Previously : Prince Harry had a problem with the paparazzi, Kelley and Jackie had a problem with MegHan, Karina and Kimberly had a problem with being interesting, Seacrest’s Intern had a problem trying to source a sexy yurt but managed to come good in the end, and Rose had a problem with looking like she was interested in anything that was going on. The end result of this was the double elimination of Jackie and MegHan because lord knows the way to make a reality show interesting is to remove all the people who fight with one another and know Mean Girls quotes. This means we’re left with :
Karina : the Last Blonde Standing. Her face doesn’t move, her voice doesn’t modulate, she speaks Spanish, and she used to date a footballer.
Kelley : backwoods psycho who seemed kind of sweet until she hit her head in a tragic boating accident and has since gone bitch-crazy. The only person here who might possibly sort of believe this is Prince Harry, due to actual brain damage.
Kimberly : from New York. That’s about it.
Rose : squealing, wriggling, writhing, transparently forced “slutty kindergarten teacher” archetype, who featured heavily in the first two episodes but who has since spent the whole time staring off into space wondering when her cheque for appearing will clear so she can buy more bras.
WHO WILL WIN? LET’S FIND OUT!
Matt awakes, with terrible bed-head, and tells us all that now that that skank MegHan has been flushed from our lives forever, the remaining girls are all genuine and here for the right reasons and so on. Like Kelley isn’t shooting into the vacant Arch-Villain role faster than the handover of rule in a banana republic. Although actually I think Kelley probably is the only one ACTUALLY here for “the right reasons”, ever, in the entire history of dating reality shows, so let’s reflect on what sort of person “the right reasons” produces. Matt reflects some more on how difficult it’s going to be telling the winner, and only the winner, that he’s not actually Prince Harry. I again wish we’d seen everyone’s reaction to the news, not just the victor’s. I’m sure Leah’s non-reaction would have been spectacular.
To get to know the women better, Matt has invited them all out on a traditional English spa day with him. The thought of Kelley revealing to Matt that Karina is a dirty Yankee ho who is just after his Crown Jewels whilst getting a high colonic briefly flits through my mind. The remaining women all line up outside, and Kinglsey tells Kimberly that as the “Crown Suite Girl” (which sounds more and more like a defunct Milk Marketing Board gimmick from the 1940s every time I hear it) she’s going to have a private dinner with Prince Harry in his “luxury treehouse”. You can see Rose thinking “it’s the semi-final and we’re topping out at a luxury treehouse? WHEN ARE WE GOING TO PARIS? FUCK THIS!”. Kelley meanwhile interviews that she can’t quite believe that lil ol’ her has made it to the top 4. Yay for her.
The other three women who AREN’T the Crown Suite Girl? They’re all getting one-on-one time in various spa facilities. Karina is first and she’s going to get in the pool with Matt, presumably so he can get that aquatic kiss from her that she dodged in the hot-tub. She is dressed in a frilly pink bikini that makes it look a bit like her boobs are miniature bacon slicers. The camera-people make the best of this opportunity to get shots of her boobs and also…a really random blurry out-of-centre shot of Matt’s erect nipple that lasts far too long. I guess when you’re trying to fill time with Karina you have to make the most of what exciting footage you can garner. They kiss a lot and both interview about how in wub they are and Karina tries to force a tear out of her…nose by the looks of it. Exciting people, exciting lives. Matt frets meanwhile that Karina, more than any of the other girls, is in love with the lifestyle as well as him, and that gives him pause. Seacrest’s Intern must be so grateful – he sources all these lavish dates, and the second anyone shows any enjoyment it means they’re a shallow bitch.
Kelley is next, and her date is taking place…on the sofa. Well at least she won’t get ideas about enjoying things I guess. Kelley interviews that the one thing missing so far in her life is that she’s not kissed Prince Harry yet. Yeah, I don’t quite know how I’ve managed myself. To this end, Matt asks Kelley if he could answer one question for her about him, anything she likes, what would it be, and Kelley replies “ZOMG CAN I SNOG YOU…LATER?”. Way to go Kelley. You managed to make yourself look desperate and you didn’t even get a snog out of it. Matt interviews that if you described Kelley’s physique and personality to him on paper he’d be all over it, but in person…he’s not sure there’s a spark there. Good job, otherwise it’d set fire to the petrol she’s doused all of Karina’s clothes in. They hug, awkwardly, and then Kelley leaves. She interviews that she thinks of all the girls she loves Prince Harry the most and also she could take care of him the most and possibly hug him and squeeze him and CHOKE HIM TIL HE STOPS BREATHING SO HIS BEAUTY CAN BE PRESERVED FOREVER JUST LIKE MANDY MOORE IN A WALK TO REMEMBER.
Rose is next and her date is in a wine cellar. Rose interviews that she’s not spoken to Matt at all in the last 5 episodes so she’s kind of wondering what the point is. Or words to that effect. As they sip champagne, Matt apologises to Rose for not paying her more attention after their sexy frolic, but to be fair SHE DID snog him, and after that really what’s the point of talking to a woman? Or words to that effect. Rose is all “I could suck you off if you want?”. Or words to that effect. They sit awkwardly for a bit and then Matt asks her if she thinks she could handle “the whole package that would come with dating me” and Rose replies that she came into the show very cautiously (/squealing in a bikini about how easy a lay she was) because she’d just got out of a seven year relationship when she applied for the show in which she’d lost her personality a bit, but being on this show has really helped her define herself, and she thinks she’ll never lose her sense of self again. Well that was inspiring. Didn’t even address the question, let alone answer it, but well done Rose. YOU DONE GOT YOUR GROOVE BACK! Matt interviews that he’s now a bit worried because Rose seems really emotionally invested in him. LOL no hun, she doesn’t give a shit but ok.
Last on the merry-go-round is Kimberly, and her Luxury Treehouse dinner. Matt interviews that he still finds Kimberly a bit guarded, in order that she have a narrative arc so (SPOILERS) when she gets picked as the winner in the final episode for no other reason than being convincingly working-class gives this show a proper aspirational narrative ending, there will be some OTHER story-arc they can paint on top. He says that he really wants her to open up to him. I’ll bet he does. As they chew, Kimberly asks Matt what he’s looking for from the winner and he replies “literally anybody who won’t immediately dump me afterwards”. Kimberly replies “that’s cute” and noms a leaf. Matt then asks Kimberly if she’s ever had a bad break-up and if she’d like to talk about it for the cameras right now. She does. The guy cheated on her. It was all very sad. LOVE HER, AMERICA. Then they go make out in a hot tub. The show goes the FULL SOFT-FOCUS and twinkly magical music as they do so, so erm…yeah, (SPOILERS) here’s your winner.
The next day now, and Kingsley tells the girls that, as it’s Prince Harry’s birthday (making it obvious this was filmed in early September, making that whole “full daylight at 5am” thing last week even more hilarious) they’re going to celebrate with a toga party. Kelley interviews that she went to many a toga party in college, but she’s sure none of them were to the calibre that PRINCE HARRY(/Seacrest’s Intern) is about to lay on for them. Yes, I’d imagine that at the very least the keg hoses will be sterilised here. The women put their pastel togas on and head out into the grounds of the “castle” which have been decorated with a number of faux Classical statues, complete with fig leaves to cover their modesties. Oh America. Bertolt is also there, showing off his arms, looking a bit like early sexy Steve Guttenbe…oh I’ve said too much.
After the girls have all necked a champagne each, Matt emerges, and Karina interviews that he looks like a GREEK GOD. I…mmm…hmm. The whole group then moves inside, where they find a whole lot of twink-porn actors spray-painted gold, tending bar and manning DJ decks. I’m sure Seacrest enjoyed this date above all others. Rose squeals that she’s on CLOUD 11 because this party is so classy, and really Rose is all about classy. The only class I’m seeing in this room here right now is one of the many different classes of hepatitis. Speaking of classy, Kingsley comes out and gets everyone to play “Toga Tangle”, which is basically Twister, but with astrological signs instead of colours. I’m guessing we’re supposed to be confusing the astrological symbols for greek letters? Maybe? Regardless, Kingsley ends up calling the astrological symbol for cancer “the 69”, so I think we all ACTUALLY know why this game is being played HURR HURR 69. Oh and because Kelley ends up shoving her arse in Matt’s face. SEXY.
The sexy games continue with an erotic round of “pass the After Eight from mouth to mouth” and Blindfold Kissing Super-Fun Game. What this latter game involves is Matt being blindfolded, then getting kissed, then having to guess who’s doing the kissing. Yes, the producers are actually FORCING him to kiss Kelley at this point. When the moment comes it’s TERRIFYING. Like, she tilts her head back and shoves her tongue UPWARDS into his mouth, looking a bit like I would imagine Mama Cass would when her body was found. It’s grotesque. Karina interviews that the whole thing was kind of horrifying. The topper is that Kelley then sits there making fun of everyone else’s kissing technique as they take their turns and…oh honey no. I mean, Kimberly clearly kind of sucks at it, but no.
The sad thing is that I’ve been watching this shit for so long now and in such detail that I think that actually if I were in Matt’s shoes right now, via some sort of Freaky Friday transfer, I would actually be able to tell which kisser was which. And not just because I would imagine that Kimberly smells of hot dogs. Anyway, Kingsley gets Matt, still blindfolded to say which of the four was the best kisser and THIS IS ACTUALLY A CLIFFHANGER GOING INTO AN AD BREAK MY GAWD, THIS SHOW.
So that decided, the girls and Harry all sit around making awkward conversation, because this is clearly the worst toga party ever. Nobody even has a boob hanging out, what a gyp. Karina asks Matt a bunch of questions about Prince William like she’s reading them off cue-cards and Matt gets William’s age wrong. By one year. Which IMMEDIATELY SETS ROSE OFF BECAUSE SHE KNOWS THE EXACT AGES OF PRINCE WILL AND PRINCE HARRY OH MY GOD THE CAKE IS A LIE AND SHE’S BEEN EATING THE BLUE PILL THIS WHOLE TIME DUNN DUNN DURRRRRRRRRN.
Evening-time now, and Kimberly, Kelley and Karina all stand around grooming one another and talking about what a nice birthday party Prince Harry must have had, and seriously, this was a toga party, these women should be far drunker by now. Especially without Drunk Maggie around to…monopolise the supply. Rose meanwhile, has removed all her make-up and is hiding, possibly under the skirting boards, like someone might come and bump her off for DISCOVERING THE TRUTH. She surreptitiously interviews that she’s been looking back and suddenly everything seems really…staged to her? The paparazzi, the screaming fans, the terrorist bomb threats… At the time it all seemed so real but now Matt got his brother’s age slightly wrong…she realises what a fool she’s been. But she’s not going to tell any of the other women, because they won’t believe her, and it’s not her place, and also it’s not in the script.
Rest assured Rose feels very very sorry for everyone else for being so dumb.
As if this drama wasn’t enough, Karina decides that she now wants to pass around photos of her ex-boyfriend for some reason. Kelley angrily attributes this of course to her still being in love with him but I really think it’s far more likely to be that Karina’s just kind of tacky like that. Obviously he’s blurred out, but he’s wearing a yellow strip with black shorts and the sponsor’s name is two words, one above the other. It might be a goalkeepers kit, because it kind of looks like he’s wearing gloves, but maybe not. GET ON IT, INTERNET. Kelley interviews some more about how Karina is the new target for her furious wrath. Oh good.
The next day now, and we’re told that the remaining women are getting one final date with Matt, which they’re having to organise themselves. I’m guessing in the wake of the toga party, Seacrest’s Intern ran off with a Slovakian power bottom human statue, and good for him. At least somebody found love on this godforesaken rock of a show. Everyone gathers at the breakfast table, and Kelley honks “I NEED EGGS!”. Good to know. Rose meanwhile interviews that she spent last night thinking and has decided that, whilst this clearly isn’t Prince Harry, she still wants to do him so she’s going to carry on regardless. So…she actually does like him for him? Well she’s definitely safe for this episode then. Phew. Bye Kelley.
It’s Kelley’s date up first incidentally, and she’s chosen a good old-fashioned wholesome tandem bike ride for their date. It’s driving with rain, so obviously Kelley congratulates herself for not caring, like all the other FAKE PLASTIC SKANKS would in the same situation. They cycle around a bit, with Kelley at one point going no-hands and standing up on the pedals, because lord only knows what we need is for Kelley to suffer another major personality-altering head injury. After a while they stop under a tree and Kelley waxes lyrical to Matt about what an amazing animal rights activist the Queen is and how Kelley so admires her and you can see Matt wondering why the hell she’s still here a little more with every passing second. Kelley interviews that she thinks she might be falling in L-O-V-E with Prince Harry and whilst she knows that Karina and Kimblery both still have a chance of winning, she hopes she’s the Last Girl Standing.
Kimberly is next, and her date is bungee jumping. Both of them are scared, both of them jump, both of them squeal a bit. Then they kiss. It’s as interesting as it sounds.
Karina’s date that she’s chosen is wine-tasting, because she is sophisticated and cosmopolitan like that. She interviews that she really thinks that Princess Karina has a nice ring to it, but she knows that Matt has just as much chemistry with Kimberly as he does with her. The date itself is kind of sedate, with Karina going hardcore on the domestic “so how has your day been dear?” cosy domestic angle which I guess is a way to go. *shrug* God, this final episode is going to be deathly isn’t it?
Rose’s date is that she has installed a bed in the library. It combines her love of education with her love of sex. So Rose. She interviews that she’s decided that now is the time to talk to Matt about how she’s figured him out, but she doesn’t care – she still loves him for him. Unfortunately…she can’t quite find a way to articulate this, so there’s an awkward silence until they just start making out and that’s it. Oh Rose.
Time for the elimination now, and all the women are sat around the dining table saying that they really don’t know who could be going home. Presumably they mean “between Rose and Kelley”? Right? Oh, no, apparently Kimberly is really worried because she chose bungee jumping for her date and he seemed really scared throughout and they didn’t really talk afterwards. Kelley makes sure to rub it in at this point that her date with Matt was ALL talking and it was GREAT. As if she’s not done enough, she then turns to Karina and quizzes her some more about her ex-boyfriend. Karina says that they’re still friends and talk every week and he sent her flowers for her last birthday. Admittedly that does sound a little sketchy. Although not to the levels that Kelley takes it, interviewing that Karina is here for the WRONG REASONS and now HAS TO GO.
Kingsley enters and says that “Sir” would like to speak to Kelley. And that’s it. Kelley full on honks “NOBODY ELSE?!?!?!” right at him. Way to lose with dignity Kel.
So Kelley is dragged off to the library kicking and screaming and digging her fingernails into the walls, but eventually they sedate her enough to get her to stay still for long enough for Matt to give her the usual spiel about how genuine and honest and down to earth she is and how she is…staying. As is Karina. As is Kimberly.
Matt : So I’m going to send you home because you feel really distant to me all of a sudden? Almost like you’ve worked out I’m not Prince Harry or something similar to that although I TOTALLY AM.
Rose : Yeah, no, I know you’re not Prince Harry.
Matt : Oh, yeah, no, I’m totally not, sorry.
Rose : So, I still kind of like you but also the more I think about it the more I think you’re a dickhead for participating in this show so I’m gonna go now.
Matt : I’M MATT HICKS! THAT’S MY REAL NAME! VALIDATE ME!
Rose : Cool, I really don’t care, bye.
Well…that was odd
Next week : it’s a KKK finale. Let’s hope Matt brings out Prince Harry’s favourite fancy-dress party costume for the occasion.