Goodnight, sweet princess.
Previously on I Wanna Marry “Harry” : it was American Week – there was a beauty pageant, a trip to a 50s diner and someone got their boobs felt up at the County Fair. In short, it couldn’t have been more American apart from maybe if Matt had been not pretending to be Prince Harry, but instead pretending to be Irish. Kelley went ever more insane during a game of Hide n Seek, and Drunk Maggie finally got packed off to rehab, presided over by a middle aged geography teacher who pretended to her that she ACTUALLY WAS BETTY FORD. Oh and MegHan’s boobs won her residency in the Crown Suite, meaning that Tacky Jackie is the only woman left not to yet to have that…erm…distinction? OK, a word like “distinction” but which conveys less of a sense of prestige.
So we arrive at the “castle” with a banner on screen saying that it’s 5:00am. Given the…obvious daylight I’d criticise the show for expecting us as viewers to swallow a premise that obviously has no basis in reality, but then I remember that for the last 6 weeks they’ve expected us to buy Rose’s existence as a human being so… Anyway, at “5 am” a bunch of jeeps pull up to the “castle”, startling some stock footage of a stag and mildly annoying a horse. Out of the jeeps come a couple of burly army men wearing full fatigues and blowing whistles. Given how pent-up these women probably are by now, I expect that it was more than whistles that ended up getting blown. Anyway, the guys run around the bedrooms yelling at the contestants and calling them all maggots and telling them to get out of bed, as they all run around squealing in their bras and panties. It all feels a bit like a remake of Night Trap.
The soldiers chase the women into the main hall where there’s army fatigues all laid out for them to change into. Well…all the women apart from MegHan who, as Crown Suite Queen has got the day off, and Jackie who is…just pretending that the soldiers aren’t there, as they pin her to the bed and scream in her face about her mother. It’s a tactic I guess. It’s her own fault if she hasn’t left herself enough time to fashion the fatigues into a fetching boob-tube and hot-pant combination. Kelley meanwhile is weirdly angry that MegHan is getting the privilege of not having to do this training course. I think Kelley was looking forward to the opportunity to drown MegHan in a mud chute. Although I’m sure MegHan has come perilously close to that in her life many times already. The 5 women, Jackie eventually having been corralled into compliance, line up. The lead army man yells “RIGHT TURN!”. Both Jackie and Kelley immediately turn left. They’re all marched out and are loaded into the back of one of the jeeps. Kimberly moans that she’s too hungover for this. You and me both love.
We move now to the Crown Suite, where Kingsley is tip-toeing in to wake MegHan up, and asks her if she’d like to go to brunch with Prince Harry. MegHan leaps out of bed, boobs reads for another day of jelus hatahs, and interviews that her brunch better be the BEST DATE OF THEM ALL. I doubt anything brunch related is going to be the best anything of anything ever but ok MegHan. She goes to Matt’s room in her nightgown, just like we all wear to brunch, only to find him fully dressed. I’m surprised she didn’t walk on on him in the middle of a phone-call to his father PRINCE CHARLES. This show is slacking. MegHan apologises (/”apologises”) to Matt for being half-dressed, and then asks if it’s still ok to call him “babe” even though she now knows he’s Prince Harry. Oh hun, that was never ok. Matt says it’s fine and tells MegHan that he’s heard that she’s a bit of a “ringleader” amongst the girls. That’s one word for it. MegHan cackles that she is, and then they both verbally high-five over not having to take part in the dumb assault course boot camp challenge. MegHan in fact interviews that she wouldn’t do a boot camp challenge even for a husband and a Chanel bag. It’s the idea that I’m expected to believe that MegHan is looking for a husband that amuses me most.
(I learnt this week that MegHan actually dated one of the Bachelors from tv show The Bachelor. So she’s got form).
Speaking of the boot camp, the women have finally arrived, and the head army guy tells them all that they’re all about to undergo the sort of training that Prince Harry went through to get in the army. I bet Prince Harry didn’t spend most of it picking denim cut-offs out of his vagina, JACKIE. The prize for doing best in this challenge is to get the Royal Treatment. I hope they use lube. Kelley interviews that she’s so glad that she’s going to get to understand the sacrifice Prince Harry made for his country. Seriously. Certifiable. You’re running through some tyres and jumping over a wall love, calm down.
So as soon as the whistle blows Kelley full on ELBOW-BARGES everyone else out of the way as she charges down the assault course. Rose in particular complains that Kelley was actually visiting physical violence on her to win a spa day. Kelley interviews that she doesn’t care, she needs it, because MegHan is probably raping Prince Harry with her satanic breasteses right this very second. Or words to that effect. What MegHan is actually doing is playing tennis and doing air-kisses. Admittedly she’s doing that thing where you pretend to be crap at tennis until the guy “shows you the form” by grabbing you and you stick your bum in his crotch. If you’re confused as to what this looks like, just check back to episode 2 where she did exactly the same thing in the cricket challenge. MegHan interviews that it’s really great to get to do such “laid back” things with a member of the royal family, but she would have liked her date to be a bit more extravagant. I think the interns have run through the entire Red Letter Days catalogue now MegHan I’m sorry. Matt interviews about the intense sexual chemistry that he and MegHan have, and MegHan whisper-screams “I WANT TO JUMP HIS BONES” right in all our faces. Princess Material right there.
Back at Boot Camp, we jump right back into Kelley sat on a throne made out of everyone else’s skulls. Metaphorically speaking obviously as, having elbow-smashed these women in the face and run off never to look back, she wins the obstacle course handily. Kimberley finishes second, Karina 3rd, Jackie 4th and Rose a poor poor 5th. Rose explains that this is because she is a good runner but has the upper body strength of a cat. A NAUGHTY cat. *giggle wiggle*. This is illustrated by a shot of Rose wedged inside what looks like a giant U-Bend, which amuses me far more than it should. Kelley says that she’s so pleased that she’s won the Royal Treatment. Whatever that is. Hold on Kelley, there’s still the Intelligence and General Knowledge rounds and possibly that one where you have to land a pretend airplane to go. Once Rose has actually been hauled bodily over the line by one of the soldiers, all of the women stand around kvetching about how lucky MegHan is. Kelley in particular sneers that MegHan would have been no good at this challenge because she would have complained about her boobs the whole way round. No Kelley, YOU would have complained about her boobs the whole way round. The only way MegHan would have complained about them is if you kicked her in them so hard in your lust for glory that you ruptured an implant.
Now it’s the middle of the night because of course it is. We’re back at the “castle” and Matt is stood outside in the grounds waiting for MegHan to come out and share the evening with him. He interviews that he’s glad that he’s finally going to be able to get MegHan in a romantic setting. I bet he is. Someone’s put fairy lights on all the trees and it looks like there’s some sort of…yurt? A sexy yurt? And a gazebo, And of course a picnic table. MegHan arrives and they hug and kiss a bit and MegHan thanks Matt for having laid on such a sweet date. Now where’s her Louis Vuitton pony? Once they start eating, Matt asks her about her dating history, and she says that she’s been single for a year and hasn’t really shagg…dated around much in that time. She was really hurt by her last relationship ending, and Matt is the first guy she’s liked/pinned against a hot-tub wall since then. Matt’s all “oh so that’s why you’re such a brittle bitch then” and MegHan’s all “yup”. She then asks Matt how *his* last relationship ended and Matt enters a flat-spin panic about how she’s CAUGHT HIM OFF-GUARD when…that is the most obvious possible question she could ask next. He mutters something about an on-off relationship he had for a while, entirely unconvincingly. And then drags MegHan over to come look at some fireworks.
So anyway, they make out a lot as the fireworks happen, and inside Rose, Karina, Kimberly and Jackie coo merrily as they gaze out of the window at the fireworks. I am fascinated by the Product Mountain they have in their room by the way. I mean I knew these women would be high-maintenance but they actively seem to have made a very good place for Kelley to hide their bodies. Speaking of which, Kelley is sequestered in a room of her own overlooking the grounds, where she is glaring angrily out of her window, ACTUALLY MAKING A FIST AND WAVING IT AT MEGHAN FROM HER WINDOW, 200 METRES AWAY. AND GOING “GRRRRRRR”. Kelley interviews that every firework that went off just made her MADDER and MADDER UNTIL SHE COULDN’T DEAL WITH IT ANYMORE. She is actually making noises like a goat dying at this point, it’s hilarious. THIS DIDN’T HAPPEN IN THE NOTEBOOK.
Outside, Matt and MegHan finish making out, and retire to their sexy yurt. After some awkward preliminary conversation about the rain, MegHan slides that tongue right into Matt’s mouth and that’s pretty much it from there. Matt interviews that he’s surprised not only that MegHan has shown some vulnerability this evening but also that he’s starting to feel like she doesn’t care whether he’s Prince Harry or someone else and that she actually really just likes sex. Sorry, I mean “him for who he is”. My fingers slipped. They hug and then…maybe do it? I don’t know what we’re supposed to believe. More likely they spent the next 3 hours doing reshoots of the angle of their faces as they ate YET MORE FOOD.
Time passes, and the next day, MegHan returns to the house, where she is greeted by the rest of the cast. They all entirely sincerely congratulate her on the fireworks that happened last night, and then MegHan spends the next hour implying that she and Prince Harry had full sex at least twice, and of course Jackie, Kimberly and Kelley all sit around with faces on about how they DON’T NEED TO HEAR THIS. Rose doesn’t, because Rose isn’t even bothering to fake it any more, and Karina doesn’t because her face doesn’t move that way. Or indeed at all. Needless to say Kelley interviews some more deranged bullshit about MegHan’s boobs being possessed by the debil or something. I swear that girl is 5 seconds away from telling Matt that MegHan’s tits assassinated Princess Diana.
Fortunately, today will be replete with opportunities for Kelley to call out MegHan for using her slutty slutty body to her advantage. First of all there’s the Nudey Spa Date aka “The Royal Treatment”. There’s no evidence to suggest anyone’s getting their toes sucked at any point, or indeed anything much happened beyond a neck-rub, but let’s say it probably did. Kelley arrives in the spa in a bikini that might as well not exist to find Matt there similarly practically in the nudey nud. Whilst they sit awaiting their sensual massages, Kelley asks Matt who he thought would win the Boot Camp challenge and he’s all “duh, you, you’re insane”. Kelley replies that she wishes that MegHan had had to do it too and Matt agrees nervously that that would have been funny. Kelley snarks on MegHan’s boobs again and then gives the following amazing soundbite in interview
“Tell me Prince Harry, do you know who the real MegHan is? Because she’s not real!”
So many layers of nonsense there, where do you even begin?
Back in the room Kelley goes in for the kill, as she gets her neck pummelled, telling Matt that MegHan is crude and mean and has started literally every single brawl in the house between the women. I mean…MegHan has undoubtedly been the cattiest in confessionals but I feel like actually if you totted up who instigated most of the fights, you’d end up with Anna Lisa. That being what Betas are for. Maybe Drunk Maggie, mostly by mistake? Anyway Kelley goes on to say that all that MegHan cares about is her tits and her hair and that every other woman in the house has been hurt by her at some point. Oh and you’ll be glad to hear that literally every other person there other than MegHan is there for “the right reasons”. Let’s see if Kelley sticks by that once MegHan has been eliminated. I feel sure that she will. Matt interviews that it’s obvious that Kelley is a genuine down-to-earth honest girl (lol) so this is probably all true and MegHan is in fact actually evil.
Rub-down over with, Kingsley gathers all the women in the hall, and tells them that they’re all off down the pub. That noise you heard just then? The one a bit like Chewbacca achieving painful orgasm at the end of a sandpaper handjob? The disappointed noise? Drunk Maggie. Tacky Jackie interviews that she’s really excited to possibly have some FISH AND CHIPS AND BEER. GUV’NOR. Every time one of these women tries to do a British accent it’s so special. As the “Crown Suite Lady”, MegHan will get to travel there by private limo with Matt. The rest of the girls will be driven there via double decker bus. Sadly not being driven by Meatloaf (Rose makes a Spiceworld : The Movie reference as well at this point, which almost makes me like her. Almost). Kelley is dressed like a Land Girl by the way. Just saying.
Once on the bus, Kelley lets everyone knows that she, in a very classy and restrained way, told Matt that MegHan was a fake skank and needed to die. Kimberly and Jackie grin smugly whilst Rose chimes in that Kelley was definitely very brave to rip into MegHan like that. Kimberly interviews that all of the other women aren’t really sure why MegHan is on the show, and they’re worried that if Prince Harry picks her, he’ll have his heart broken. Her concern really truly moves me. No. Honestly. I’m tearing up. I’m worried myself that if he picks her he might have his *pelvis* broken, so it’s all much the same. Meanwhile, in the car, MegHan is gamely trying to make actual conversation with Matt, as he sits there in awkward silence pondering over what Kelley told him in the spa. He says that it’s really difficult to focus, because he’s worried that MegHan is acting artificially because she thinks he’s Prince Harry. Yeah, I’ve got no idea where she’d get that impression.
WARNING : do not pull too hard on the string of “I hope these women aren’t acting like they’re dating Prince Harry when I’m trying to make them think I’m Prince Harry because when it turns out I’m NOT Prince Harry then SHOCK HORROR I may be left with a woman who hasn’t been acting entirely naturally the whole time because dating someone who has been acting artificially as though they’re someone else the entire time WOULD REALLY SUCK AND I WOULD BE PERFECTLY JUSTIFIED DUMPING THEIR ASS ON THE SPOT” because if you do turns out there’s nothing left at the end oops.
So everyone arrives at the pub, and Matt interviews that it’s time to find out how the other women really feel about MegHan. He announces to the table that he’s heard rumours of “brawls” and MegHan hilariously lies that no, it’s all been fine and they’ve all got along swimmingly, what are you talking about. Kelley of course is still hopped up on insanity juice and snits that MegHan is lying. Matt again asks if there’s been any tension and this time it’s Jackie who’s denying all knowledge, clearly chomping at the bit internally to join Kelley in running MegHan down. Of course Kelley will not be denied and says again that MegHan is loud and bitchy and fake and that nobody likes her. MegHan OF COURSE interviews that it’s fine to call her a bitch but DO NOT CALL HER A FAKE SHE IS REAL AS REAL CAN BE HOW DARE YOU, because she has her reality-tv priorities in order. Back in the room MegHan denies being anything other than sunshine and rainbows and Jackie finally finds her voice and brands MegHan as a mean girl again, who can’t keep her beak out of everyone else’s business. This being the woman who ran around the house calling people out on Drunk Maggie’s behalf, one episode before Drunk Maggie dropped her ass as a friend. Kimberly interviews all “tee hee this is awkward”. Not that she spent that bus-ride winding up Kelley to watch her go or anything.
The rain breaks outside, as Jackie tears into MegHan for being rude about people both to their faces and behind their back, and MegHan pulls the “IT’S JUST A JOKE!” card which, to her credit, Jackie is having literally none of. Anyway, they bitch one another out repeatedly until Rose asks if maybe everyone could move on now, and then the show officially runs out of ideas so plays the paparazzi card again, and has about 5 of them launch themselves at the pub window like the walking dead. Lame. Rose’s face in particular at this point is like “oh come on”. Anyway, the Secret Service swoop in and drag Matt off again, leaving the girls to make their own way back to the bus in the pouring rain. This moment more than any is emblematic of what this show will miss when MegHan leaves, as all the other women huddle together under their coats and scarves and skitter to the bus whilst hiding their faces, whilst MegHan jog-runs across the car-park it in her summer-dress in slow motion, boobs bouncing away like Baywatch, in full view of the “paparazzi”. Love you MegHan. Work it.
The next day now, and the women are all sat around the dining table in sullen silence. Kingsley wanders in and tells them that tonight’s theme is “Casino Night”. I hope supercassandra is there. MegHan interviews that she’s dreading Casino Night because all the other women are bitches and she doesn’t want to spend time with these bitches and these bitches can just go play with themselves. Well, she’s to the point if nothing else. Kelley meanwhile interviews that she’s going to be nice to EVERYONE at Casino Night, because she’s a LADY. Everyone gets ready and enters the “library”, which has been done out with a couple of roulette wheels and a blackjack table. All of the women gasp obnoxiously, apart from MegHan who is clearly thinking “whatever bitches, this is where you bitches are every Friday night. Bitches”.
Everyone starts on the roulette wheel and Rose cleans up, possibly because she’s the only woman here who understands numbers and how they work. Matt sidles up to Kimberly and asks if he can have a chat with her in a room off at the side. Kimberly’s all “sure, why not?”, a bit like she’s forgotten he’s the whole reason she’s supposed to be here. Once he’s got her sat down on a banquette, he’s all “SO WHAT ABOUT THIS BITCH MEGhAN THEN?” and Kimberly smartly says that she doesn’t really mind MegHan and immediately switches the conversation to flattering Matt. Matt, emboldened by this turn of events, goes in for a snog, which Kimberly happily reciprocates. And then interviews that WOO IT’S FINALLY HAPPENED, SHE GOT A SNOG. Who hasn’t he snogged at this point? My spreadsheet says it’s just Kelley and Jackie to go. I feel like Kelley might actually bite it off when the time comes.
Matt next hops off Kimberly and runs back to MegHan to pull her aside. He asks her if she thinks it was fair what Kelley and Jackie did to her in front of him yesterday, not that he’s stirring or anything. MegHan says that she didn’t think it was fair at all no – they should have come and spoken to her about it separately. She also understands that she is a “big personality” and an “acquired taste” and that not everybody can handle her fabulosity. Matt says that he thinks that’s probably what it is – MegHan is just misunderstood. No snogging this time.
Last on the merry-go-round is Jackie, who is interrupted in the middle of throwing craps. Hem hem. MegHan meanwhile sets about fixing Rose’s make-up for her. SEE? SHE’S NOT ALL BAD! Anyway, Jackie spends the entirety of her alone-time with Matt bitching about how MegHan is rude and fake and a snob and you’d think she’d realise that this is literally the only real alone-time she’s had in 6 episodes with Matt apart from that one time at the cricket that she bragged about how she’d been to juvie or whatever but no, she’s quite happy just to make it all about MegHan. Well done *slow clap*.
Everyone interrogated by Inspector Matt, it’s time for him to sit with Kingsley and discuss which girls might be up for the boot. On the table are MegHan (attractive, misunderstood, hunted), Jackie (loud, fun, bitchy), Kelley (“strong morals”), and Kimberly (fun). In the end, it’s Jackie and Kimberly who are called away from the table (with MegHan patting Jackie on the ass as she leaves, seriously, so confusing) and Jackie who’s going home because he doesn’t feel a connection with her. Jackie seems entirely fine with this, and tells him to take MegHan out next for her. More or less.
And then he does, oops, although she makes sure that she has one last throwdown with Kelley on her way out, calling her out for taking herself too seriously, “drinking the Kool-Aid”, and bitching about her to Matt. And then she cries a lot, which is a bit of an odd end to the magical mystery tour that has been out time with MegHan, but oh well. I’m so glad that we’re now left with two bores, a phony and Psycho-Kelley to get us through the final two episodes.
Next Week : Rose finally tells the whole show to go do one because it’s stupid.