Previously on I Wanna Not Receive My Stipend Because The Show Never Fully Aired On Network Television : pretty much the entire episode was about Karina so…you can imagine how exciting that was. Somewhere in the middle Chelsea got bored and quit and Beta Bitch Anna Lisa spotted that Matt and Prince Harry don’t have the same nostril shape or something, so she was taken out the back and shot. Oh and the blood clot on Kelley’s brain that she got wapping her head doing backward somersaults off a rowing-boat got slightly bigger and slightly more angry, as Matt gave her access to the one comfortable bed in the entire “castle” so she started speaking in tongues and clicking like a dolphin would. Exciting.
This morning, a flock of crows whirl angrily around Matt’s “castle”. Between this and the storm last week I’m loving all the apocalyptic imagery that’s slowly starting to swirl around this series. Can’t wait for MegHan to start crying blood and for Tacky Jackie to get eaten by locusts. Matt gets awoken by NotKingsley, the UnderButler. We learn that NotKingsley has a name, and apparently it is Bertolt. How Euro. I wonder where Executive Producer Ryan Seacrest hired him from? Bel Ami Productions? Bertolt tells Matt that he’s laid on a special date for him downstairs. I’m kind of hoping that Bertolt is secretly scheming with a Lady’s Maid to take over Bullshit Abbey and run off with the prize money, and that Matt is about to be locked with Kingsley in a cupboard under the stairs. Sadly not.
What actually is happening is a beauty pageant. Just as Miss California has left? So cruel. Kingsley tells the girls of the impending nonsense of them all competing for the title of Miss Maplin…I mean Dearfield, and symbolically raises an American flag over the “castle”. Well…I say over, it’s up in a corner somewhere and the wind’s not very high but…it’s the thought that counts. Especially on this show. That one has happened at all is cause for celebration. All the girls sigh wistfully about home as the American National Anthem blares on the soundtrack. Truly, tit-tape and talent rounds has replaced mom and apple pie as the hallmark of Americana. As the girls run inside to plan their dresses and party tricks, Drunk Maggie wonders what SHE could do to impress everyone. MegHan suggests that she play the piano or do a comedy skit. Personally I think she should do that trick with the pint glass. Just maybe not on camera.
Kelley of course, as Queen Of The Castle, gets to opt out of degrading herself in this specific way, yet so she ensconces herself in her room to await her privileged solo time with Matt. She’s all tucked up in her covers…reading the Lonely Planet guide to England. Bless. She’s somehow found a way to make this show intellectually challenging enough that it requires homework. She says that she thinks the other women have under-estimated her : she HAS TO OWN MATT’S HEART AND SHE WILL DO ANYTHING TO HAVE HIM. I’m guessing the pentagram and blood sacrifices Kelley has already made in the basement is the reason for all the demonic imagery. Bertolt comes in and tells her that “Sir” is ready for her.
So Kelley goes to Matt’s room, where he is just putting his shoes on, and interviewing to us all that after four whole weeks of going “WAIT AND SEE!” and “THAT’D BE TELLING” and “LADIES, WE’VE ONLY JUST MET!!!” he’s mentally exhausted, so he’s going to risk a lawsuit and just start flat out saying that he is Prince Harry. I mean…half the stuff he’s planning to do with MegHan is illegal anyway, so why not? He sits Kelley down on the edge of his bed, and he tells her that she above everyone deserves to know that…he’s who she thinks he is. I mean…I’m not sure who Kelley thinks he is after that smack on the head. Prince Harry? Ryan Gosling? Jesus? Kelley of course gives a massive creepy grin and says that she doesn’t care about his name or status, all she cares about is the man (/component part of the Holy Trinity) that he is. Matt grins that, that important piece of information having sort of been half-disclosed, it’s time for the date to begin.
He blindfolds Kelley and leads her outside to an American classic car, which Kelley of course squeals at. Matt interviews that all the dates so far have been spectacular and quintessentially English but this week it’s AMERICAN WEEK on “I Wanna Marry Harry” and, let’s face it, Kelley would putter about contentedly if he took her to a Wetherspoons, so the show is saving its budget by driving them to a naff 50s themed diner. Hilariously, the licence plate number on the classic car is blurred out, because the owners CLEARLY don’t want to be associated with this garbage on anything other than the most superficial of levels. Either that or Bertolt took it out and used it to rob a post office during filming. Matt interviews that Kelley is really down-to-earth, so he can really be himself around her. You know, sort of. He and Kelley sit there and eat burgers and suggestively suck relish off their own fingers, and Kelley merrily chirrups that this is just like being back home with an actual boyfriend.
Of course nobody actually wants to watch Kelley’s day-to-day dating life, except maybe the part where she murders them with an oar and feeds them to her pigs, so the diner waitresses very politely intercede to ENHANCE THE ILLUSION by asking if they can have a photo with Prince Harry. One of Matt’s goons advances, all “NO PHOTOS, BITCH!”, but Matt interjects and says that it’s fine. Kelley takes photos and talks about how this DEFINITELY MEANS THIS IS PRINCE HARRY. God I can’t wait for the part where he just says that he’s Prince Harry and the 50 confessionals per episode about these girls PrinceHarrydars ends.
Back at the castle, MegHan and Drunk Maggie are lounging on a pink gym mat and coming up with a cheer for Drunk Maggie to do as her pageant talent. What rhymes with vodka? What rhymes with margaritas? What rhymes with *vomits into a plant-pot*? MegHan of course is writing most of it and proclaiming herself to be a creative genius as she does so. I love how Drunk Maggie has slotted so seemlessly into the Beta Bitch role vacated by Anna Lisa. She interviews that this might be the last chance she has to tell Harry how she feels about him, so she’s going to put her heart on the line and put it all out there emotionally. In a cheer. Karina meanwhile is practising her salsa moves with Rose, whilst Jackie…God lord. Tacky Jackie is doing some proper stripper moves with a neon purple and green hula-hoop. This should be fun.
Back at the diner, Matt flirtily tells Kelley to tell him something about her that he doesn’t already know. Kelley replies that she had leukemia when she was 9, and that’s why she is the way she is. Matt, who was clearly expecting something about her being able to fit her entire fist in her mouth, looks a bit awkward and guilty, and Kelley asks him if anyone in his family has gone through anything like that. Matt’s all “not that Kingsley told me during my spy training” about it and then tells Kelley about what an inspiration she is to have taken her negative experience and done something positive with it. Whatever that might be. I’m going to be charitable and presume that it’s something that wasn’t explicitly mentioned on camera and ISN’T “act like a nut-case on a trashy reality show”. Especially given that, between patronages and charitable work and Pride Of Britain Awards, the real Prince Harry must see about four Kelleys a week. And occasionally twerk with them in Vegas.
Date over with, Kelley returns to the “castle” where all the other women are waiting for her. Kimberly wonders aloud if they kissed, and Tacky Jackie honks “I HOPE SO”. Yeah, I get the impression that Kelley might have been noisily mooning about not being kissed yet a lot. Ah well, she’ll just have to wait. Kelley dances into the room and tells everyone all about her date with the car from Grease and the poodle-skirts and the curly fries and everyone pulls the usual super-dumb shock, surprise and awe faces but you can tell just how phony they are. Even more than usual. In interviews Rose says that basically the date sounded cheap and crappy, MegHan cackles “FRIENDZONED!” and Kimberly smugly says that her date was better. Back in the room Kelley grins and wiggles her shoulders and talks about how perfect it was and all the other women are all “OH HOW PERFECT…you know, for you and your stupid doesnt-know-better personality”. Drunk Maggie honks “DID YOU KISS?” and Kelley says “no, we did not kiss!” all huffy and matronly. MegHan is not surprised in the slightest.
Anyway, next, Kingsley gathers all the women in the dining room and tells them that the ruse is over because one girl figured it out and Matt is Prince Harry and also stop asking him questions about his family and whether they have ever had cancer or not because it’s making his poor brain hurt kthx bye.
LOL so dramatic. I think my favourite part is how Tacky Jackie tells all the other women that this announcement and the added pressure shouldn’t mean that they should stop doing ridiculous awful stupid things. Amen. Needless to say that this is justified on the grounds of the first rule of reality tv : be yourself(/an exaggerated cartoonish preferable drunken version of yourself) or ELSE. My second favourite part is Kimberly grumbling that she can’t believe she’s been “going commando” this whole time. Matt of course somehow makes this about how this is going to make things so much harder for him and…I get that the whole point of the centrepiece males of these dating shows is to be both protagonist and prize at the same time, and that’s a hard thing for editing to pull off but…he should just stop talking because he is too milquetoasty for me to care anyway.
Whilst everyone else perfects their ribbon twirling, Rose, Drunk Maggie and Kelley have the following conversation :
Rose : “OH MY GOD I CAN’T BELIEVE I WAS DATING PRINCE HARRY THIS WHOLE TIME AND ALSO APPARENTLY HAVE NEVER IN MY LIFE DEVELOPED AN INDOORS VOICE BUT I WONDER WHO IT WAS WHO WORKED IT OUT?”
Kelley : “KLANG KLANG KLANG” (sic)
Drunk Maggie : “You? What did you say to him?”
Kelley : “I CAN’T SAY, IT’S A SECRET! BUT I KNEW FROM THE START AND HE CONFIRMED IT THE OTHER DAY!”
Drunk Maggie : “On your date?”
Kelley *nodding vigorously* : “I CAN’T SAY!”
Rose : “WHY NOT?”
Kelley : “……………”
Drunk Maggie : “So did you tell him that you’d figured it out or did he tell you?”
Kelley : “He told me….BUT I CAN’T SAY! IT’S A SECRET!”
Everyone : *looks baffled*
Drunk Maggie interviews that Kelley is a psychotic Grade 5 clinger who is obsessed with Prince Harry. I mean, it’s not untrue, but given that she herself went Roadhouse on MegHan at the pool party for making out with him one time she should probably wait for someone else to say it lest she look like a bit of a hypocrite.
PAGEANT TIME! Kingsley’s hosting and first up is the talent round. The talents on display are, in order,
Drunk Maggie : Doing the cheer from the beginning of Bring It On, with barely rewritten words, which ends in her calling herself “Miss Funtime Maggie”
MegHan : Whining about not having been in the Crown Suite yet and calling it stand-up comedy
Kimberly : Playing Mary Had A Little Lamb on the giant foot-piano from Big
Rose : Teaching her invisible school-children how to do CPR on Prince Harry whilst dressed like porn
Jackie : Slutty Stripper-hooping
Karina : Slutty Salsa
Kelley : Slutty Four-Square Dancing
You might sneer, but it’s better than most Britain’s Got Talent semi-finals.
Next up it’s time for the Swimsuit Round. MegHan grins that finally this is a round she can excel at, because she knows what she has to offer as a woman and it’s her HOT BODY AND NOTHING ELSE! Well that’s not at all depressing. As part of the swimsuit round, each of the women has chosen a nickname, presumably to represent the minor pageants that they have won in order to get to the point of competing for the title of Miss Dearfield. Maggie is “Miss Funtime”, Jackie is “Miss Festive” (?), Kimberly is “Missing Personality”…sorry “MISS Personality”, Rose is “Miss Sassy”, Karina is “Miss Glamorous”, Kelley is “Miss Southern Belle”, and MegHan is “Miss Massive Jugs”. Otherwise known as “Miss Bombshell”. I’m sure this show would like me to fall into the pit of snarkily judging these womens bodies but NOPE. I will say that Jackie’s bikini makes her look a bit like a minor antagonist from Xena : Warrior Princess.
Of course the girls have to give a stump speech to say what they would do with the very real title of Miss Dearfield. Kimberly promises double-cheeseburgers and jacuzzi time every night. Kelley talks about how she will run the estate with passion and dignity and loyalty and class and gumption and good-old-fashioned morals and the love of her man and the people of England. Everyone else falls somewhere in the middle of the spectrum. Rose (rather surprisingly given that she’s been the most rampantly artificial from episode 1) is showing signs of a real inability to keep a straight face at this crap at this point.
It’s time for Matt to crown the winner. It’s Jackie. *shrug*
NOT OF THE WHOLE SHOW DON’T WORRY, THERE’S STILL THREE MORE EPISODES AFTER THIS ONE, PHEW.
Anyway, Jackie does a really over-the-top phony pageant victory lap complete with Mean Girl references and high-kicking and gasping and dapping at her eyes and it’s actually kind of funny? Sort of? Good job Jackie. Anyway, of course MegHan calls her “Princess Tacky Jackie” and says she’s Not Princess Material and Jackie interviews that MegHan is just jealous that Jackie is pretty AND talented unlike her and yadda yadda, cat-fight in the fountain or move on ladies.
So anyway, the secret out the bag, the women decide to invite Prince Harry for a sleepover in their bedroom, which would be all of our first reactions in that circumstance too don’t lie. Matt wanders in in his pyjamas and hilariously interviews that “the real Matt Hicks” (all you other Matt Hicks are just imitatin’) would normally be all over this sort of situation. Yeah, with all the LADIES and the WINE in your FLANNEL PYJAMAS. What a playboy environmental consultancy worker of the world. Once he’s sat on the beds with his goblet of wine, MegHan is all up in his face with her breasteses and of course Kelley is angry that another woman has dared to have boobs, because Kelley is certifiable.
At this point, mindful of the need to maintain his cover at all times, Matt does exactly what Prince Harry would do in this circumstance, alone with 7 attractive drunk women in their negligee in a bedroom with time to kill. He suggests a game of HIDE AND SEEK. Jeez, at least make it Sardines or 7 Seconds In Heaven. Drunk Maggie is designated to be the seeker (all her life) and the rest of the contestants and Matt scatter around the third floor. Well, most of them do. MegHan kind of dawdles around drinking with wine then crouches behind a bed, and Kelley doesn’t even bother hiding, and just spends the entire time looking for Matt because…reasons. MegHan interviews that Kelley needs to get out of Prince Harry’s ass because nobody wants a woman who is THAT clingy that she can’t even play Hide And Seek because it gives her abandonment issues. Truth. Anyway Matt wins and Rose finishes last at hiding. Woo. Grown adults all, on this show.
Matt leaves, with MegHan patting him on the bum as he does so. The women then convene cross-legged in a circle on the floor, and Kelley immediately “casually” starts telling MegHan that she saw her “tapping that ass” (…). MegHan then decides to demonstrate on Jackie what exactly happened and Jackie seems kind of into it, I have to say. MegHan interviews that it’s not her fault that she’s so overwhelmingly sexual that that alone has created a bond between her and Matt, and then back in the prayer circle she starts noisily joking about how massive Matt’s penis is. This is too much tackiness for Kelley’s demure fantasy courtship and she gives MegHan a massive stink-eye, which MegHan then calls her out on. Kelley then interviews that MegHan is a fake skank and needs to leave FORTHWITH.
I mean…I know the whole point of this show is to laugh at how dumb and hypocritical these women are to further our own superiority complexes but…so far this episode we’ve had Drunk Maggie talking about how someone else is jealous when she spent the last three episodes noisily saying how jealous she was, Kelley calling MegHan skanky when she herself just did the country four-square like it was a striptease, MegHan calling Jackie not classy enough to be a princess when she just honked on about how the Prince Harry had a 10 inch dick, and Rose laughing at somebody else for having a cheap date when hers was literally a picnic on the beach. It’s like “I KNOW YOU ARE BUT WHAT AM I?” just went primetime. (On ITV2)
Time now for a great big group date, and we’re continuing our American theme with a trip to the “state fair” the next evening. Kingsley arrives dressed as Uncle Sam and tells the girls to follow him out to the grounds. When they do they see that it’s been kitted out with all the fun of the fair. A Ferris Wheel, a carousel, candy floss, dysentry, some townie getting finger-banged round the back of the hook-a-duck… Also, Matt in a stetson sat awkwardly on top of a mechanical bull. Everyone wanders around doing fairground things – MegHan fails at the Test Your Strength machine, Kimberly wins a corn-dog competition by swallowing it whole (no really), Drunk Maggie drinks a lot of beer and molests Matt on the Ferris Wheel whilst Kelley glowers from the sidelines…
Matt interviews that Drunk Maggie is really fun but he’s not sure there’s anything deeper there, and then goes on for the next 5 minutes about how all the lying is getting harder and he hopes that the women are really starting to fall in love with him for him, rather than with all the trappings of being Prince Harry. It’s odd, because when you think about it, the show can’t even really use that as a hook, because ACTUALLY what the women are falling for and enjoying are the trappings of being on a reality show, not being Princess Of Walesshire. These sorts of dates, excursions and treats could be found on The Bachelor or Joe Millionaire or heck, even Flavor Of Love. And in those circumstances equally they’re taken away when the big tent folds and the carnival moves on to getting some other 20something douchebag a few cheap lays. I’m just saying it’s no surprise this show failed when its inherent concept is so nothingy and confused, the interviews are inherently so repetitive, and none of the women involved really think they’re dating Prince Harry and at this stage aren’t really bothering to hide the fact.
Dinnertime now, and bless her Jackie’s still wearing her pageant tiara. The theme for the dinner is American food, most of which ends up all over Kelley’s face and hands and probably feet, all of which she spends an inordinate amount of time licking clean. At the table. MegHan interviews, making fun of how Kelley eats like a “fucking wildebeast” and how the food is going down her like “a pig through a python”. I mean, it’s mean-spirited, but the woman has a way with animal imagery. The show tries to make out that MegHan calls out Kelley for her complete lack of table manners and that Matt chides her for being so rude but it’s so choppily edited that…I mean, come on. Drunk Maggie then noisily does a really bad Manc accent and nobody knows what to do with themselves. I’m guessing they’ve been watching a lot of Coronation Street in those bedrooms when they’re not filming or CONSTANTLY EATING, EATING EVERYTHING, JUST EATING.
Matt is next taken away by Kingsley to discuss which girls might be up for elimination this week. Karina (too into Matt’s royal status), Drunk Maggie (“fun”), Jackie (won the pageant), and MegHan (overconfident) are all discussed, but it’s Drunk Maggie and MegHan who are up for the boot. Drunk Maggie is of course crying and wailing and twisting her hair and stumbling around and telling everyone that she loves them from the second her name is called. She interviews that if she goes home tonight, she’ll do so knowing that she put EVERYTHING ON THE LINE TO SHOW PRINCE HARRY HOW MUCH SHE LOVES HIM. What’s the next level up from Stage 5 clinger?
As MegHan and Drunk Maggie saunter off to their respective fates, it’s time for a round of “Let’s Call MegHan Names”. Kelley calls her a bitch. Jackie calls her a beast. Karina calls her a seductress. It doesn’t matter of course, she’s getting the Crown Suite. Although Matt makes sure to tell her that he’d like to see a more humble side to her beyond the other-the-top bitchy sex-beast. I think he’ll be disappointed if he’s expecting depth from…anything involved in this show to be honest. Maybe he’ll see this depth, intellect and humility in their date next week to the Natural History Museum.
Drunk Maggie on the other hand is leaving, dumped in the gazebo like so many before her. She wails at Matt that she’s so happy for him whoever he winds up dating and then starts bawling about needing to talk to her mum. Bless. I’m sure whatever taxi driver has to take her home is going to have a whale of a time.
Next week : MegHan and Kelley throw down. TO THE DEATH.