I know, I know, it truly was a programme too beautiful to live. The FOX Network has pulled I Wanna Marry “Harry” after only 4 episodes, and burnt off all the rest of the episodes by throwing them all online at the same time. So if you want to know how it ends, all you have to do is go to wikipedia. For now though, we will plough doggedly on UK pace. Thank you ITV2, for believing in garbage.
Previously on I Want A Hairy Mary : Kimberly got pap’d, Matt was a sap, Kelley wapped (her head off a boat), if Jackie was Columbus she was ALL OVER THE MAP (thanks MegHan), Roose shoved her arse in Matt’s lap, Kingsley did a rap (probably) and Dr Carley’s twerking was crap, so she was sent home. Also Karina played slightly hard to get (compared to MegHan) so she got to sleep in the CROWN SUITE so that Matt could further investigate her feminine mystique (by pressing a glass tumbler up against the adjoining wall).
Morning breaks and we’re finally getting some good old British rain, as storm clouds gather over the “castle”. This show’s been so devoted to playing up British stereotypes I’m surprised Executive Producer Ryan Seacrest didn’t force one of his interns to stand at the side at all times with a hose, to periodically spray the girls down. Maybe that’s next week. You know MegHan and Anna Lisa would have turned it into a Whitesnake video. Rose interviews that she’s sure the Mysterious Man is someone important, but if it turns out that it *is* Prince Harry, then it’ll be the biggest ding-dong she’s ever felt. No comment. Meanwhile, in Anna Lisa’s bedroom (which seems to be the hub, activity-wise) she’s telling Kelley and Drunk Maggie that the extravagant dates that people are being taken on show that this is a guy who can get whatever he wants. Yeah, so long as what you want can easily be sourced from groupon.
In Matt’s room, he is admiring the photoshop work that has gone in to creating a fakey photo of him and Prince William at the polo, which is now artfully displayed on the mantlepiece in his room. Oh and it’s clearly drawn from a tabloid photo, just like we all keep of us and our loved ones about the house, especially when we blame the tabloid press implicitly for their role in our mother’s untimely early death in a tunnel in Paris. All of us. He tip-toes to the CROWN SUITE with its OPULENT BED and shoves a note under the door telling Karina to join him in his room for breakfast. WOW! HE REALLY CAN LAY ON ANYTHING! Karina pads off to his room where they share a plate of smoked salmon and scrambled eggs, with her plonked directly into the eye-line of the stupid fake photo.
So Karina asks Matt if he can tell her one thing he hasn’t told anyone else. I mean…given the level of disclosure that’s been on display here, it wouldn’t be hard. Matt tells her that his birthday’s coming up soon. As I believe Alexandra from Big Brother 9 was fond of saying “wowwie woopie pants”. Although of course if this were Kelley he was sharing a dead fish with, she’d take this as a sign of their magical connection. “OH MY GAWD THE GAAAAAAAAH IN THE NOTEBOOK KNEW RACHEL MCADAMS BIRTHDAY TOOOOOO”. Matt asks Karina if she’ll allow him to “just pop to the loo” (like a royal would say) and he excuses himself, just so she can have a proper gawp at the stupid fake photo. She does so, as the music from The X Files plays over the top manically. It’s hilarious. Karina is doing proper “I can’t believe the great deal I’m getting on my car insurance, I hope nobody else notices” advertorial smell the fat super-spy acting. As she walks slowly across the room and back as the cameras roll. It bears notice that Matt has pretty much demolished his plate at this point, whereas Karina has eaten, like, two whole egg scrambles. This is how you stay a hottie I guess.
Matt returns from his shit, and Karina asks him if the photo is of him and his brother. He says it is, and it was taken at a polo event last year. He carries it around everywhere with him, because he and his brother are super-close and every picture of the two of them taken from the bushes by some Albanian paparazzo is super special to him so erm…DOES KARINA PLAY POLO? Wow, this isn’t shifty at all. Karina says no, then trips off to give 50 interviews about ZOMG THIS IS DEFINITELY PRINCE HARRY SHE KNEW IT. Once they’re done, in a variety of outfits so they can be used throughout the series, she runs into Anna Lisa’s Gossip Boudoir where all the girls are gathered. Tacky Jacky is in a fetching penguin beanie hat, because she’s a WILD CHICK. Anyway, Karina tells them all about the photo of Prince William and Matt together and Drunk Maggie yells that she feels like a great big ding dong. Again, no comment. Kelley closes the segment out by saying that she’s known it the whole time, but she bets this is a really big shock to the other girls. Yes, they’ve only noisily speculated that it was him about 75 times now. This 76th is the capper.
Once the rain’s cleared up, the girls tramp out to the stables of the “castle”, where they find Kingsley in a fetching rain-hat, to tell them at all this week’s activities will focus around horses. Well there’s your massive ding-dongs ladies. MegHan and Drunk Maggie look particularly excited (MegHan because I bet she had at least two ponies growing up, and Drunk Maggie because I’m sure she’s ridden into town on the back of many a Moscow Mule). Kimberly and Chelsea less so. Kingsley gives notice, as Matt glowers on from a “castle” window like a particularly pasty Mr Rochester, that two of the women will be going horseback riding with the Mysterious Man, whilst the other…how many are left, now, six? Whatever, that many will be cleaning out the stables. Ironically this will involve LESS shovelling of shit. The two lucky ladies getting saddle-sore are Chelsea and Drunk Maggie. Poor Anna Lisa. The eternal beta. Rose whines that this isn’t what she signed up for. Well, it can’t *all* be picnics on the Isle Of Wight. You’d think anyone would welcome the opportunity to “accidentally” hurl dung over half these women, but here we are.
Drunk Maggie and Chelsea get changed into equestrian gear and mount up. Drunk Maggie brays “LOOK AT US CHELSEA! WE LOOK LIKE REAL RIDERS!” and already Chelsea looks like she wants Drunk Maggie to collide with Beachers Brook. Matt rides in on a horse past the unlucky mucking-out women stuck in late 90s R & B dungarees, and they all interview that ZOMG HE’S RIDING A HORSE IT HAS TO BE PRINCE HARRY! I’ll give Matt some credit – he looks far more comfortable pretending to know how to ride a horse then he did pretending to know how to row, or how to party, or how to talk to other human beings. He, Drunk Maggie and Chelsea ride off into the countryside, past some stock footage of some deer.
Chelsea interviews that she’s fed up of all the Prince Harry talk and the reality tv nonsense, she just wants to know if she’s going to get a shag off this guy or not. As they’re trotting along happily, Chelsea asks him if he’s ever dated a black girl before. Matt replies that he hasn’t, but colour doesn’t come in to it for him, except when casting tokens for a reality show in order to reach a wider demo…I mean ever. Ever at all. Would she like to meet his grand-dad, I wonder idly. Matt interviews that he really likes how straightforward and honest Chelsea is. He then compliments Drunk Maggie on how well she’s doing riding a horse. I guess we’re all surprised she’s not been being dragged along the ground with one heel caught in a stirrup.
Back in the stables Anna Lisa, wearing princess pink marigolds, is braying about how hard this all is, and how her hands were not made for mucking. She is MISS CALIFORNIA. If there’s a dirty job that needs doing to advance her further in the competition, she’s doing it with her mout[punchline deleted]. MegHan and Rose are both bonding further (such a random friendship), whilst Kelley…Kelley is pretty much hurling herself into mucking out face-first. Unnervingly so. Just shoving her hand right up to the elbow in giant stacks of hay and shit and more shit. I think the real sign that she was born to do this however is that one of her dungaree straps has artfully come unhitched to reveal boobage. Everyone makes fun of what a deranged hick Kelley is, as Karina stands off to the side supervising and snorting that Kelley is MVP. MegHan cackles “most valuable POOPER SCOOPER!”. Zing.
Meanwhile, Chelsea, Matt and Drunk Maggie have arrived at their destination. A table and some hay. Yes, there’s more eating a-brewing. And…well…
Kingsley : Would anyone like some beer or some cider?
Drunk Maggie : OMG I’LL HAVE SOME BEER I LOVE BEER!
Chelsea : Yeah, we noticed.
Drunk Maggie : OMG YOU’RE SO RUDE!
Chelsea : Oh I’m just joking calm down, we all think you’re hilarious when you’re drunk, which is always!
Drunk Maggie : OMG I AM NOT SOME SORT OF CRAZY DRUNK WTF HOW RUDE!
Chelsea : Only 8 hours out of every 24…
Drunk Maggie : THERE’S SO MUCH MORE TO ME THAN THAT!
Matt : Yeah, that’s what I was hoping but somehow even this polite tea-party has turned into a drunken brawl so…
The sun shoots across the sky, until we reach the next meal, out on the “castle” lawn where Drunk Maggie decides to confront Chelsea for bringing up her raging alcoholism in front of Matt. Chelsea suggests that maybe if it wasn’t literally Drunk Maggie’s only personality trait that she was drunk all the time, they might have found something else to talk about. She also rightfully points out that everything’s being filmed so…he probably already knows. Drunk Maggie just baffles on about how she thought Chelsea was her friend and that that was a really mean trick she played on her, whilst MegHan sits in the middle with a face like Felix The Cat shovelling madelines into her gob. It eventually descends into Chelsea and Drunk Maggie yelling and clapping and rolling their eyes aggressively at one another over nothing, because really, what else can there be to do on this show? Kelley then gives a really unnerving interview about how the other women are disrespecting Prince Harry by talking about things that aren’t him and…can it Kelley. Go back to your Nicholas Sparks marathons and leave the grown-ups to talk about their alcoholism and who is and who isn’t a Mean Girl.
Next morning, and the feathers have settled, so it’s time for Karina to really reap the benefits of not putting out last week. She’s going on an excursion to London with Matt. Kingsley goes so far as to call it an “excrucial excursion”. I’ve listened to it five times and that’s the best I can do. Is it some sort of compound word meaning exclusive and excruciating? This show is officially so dumb that everyone involved is slowly regressing to pre-language. They’re going to be going on this excrucial excursion by helicopter, because of course they are. So convenient. As Karina takes off, Anna Lisa decides she’s had enough, and announces to the breakfast table that this guy they’ve been dating clearly isn’t Prince Harry. It doesn’t look like him, it doesn’t act like him, they’ve got different noses…she’s had it. Kelley of course stamps her feet and tells Anna Lisa to stop RUINING IT, SHE’S SPOILING THINGS IT’S DEFINITELY HIM HE HAS SECURITY GUYYYYSSSSSSSSSSSSS.
I’ve been on such a journey with these women already. First I thought none of them really thought it was Prince Harry. Then I thought Kelley was actually dumb enough to think it was. Now I think Kelley is deranged enough to know it isn’t AND think it is at the same time, in the same thought. What a whackadoo.
The helicopter carrying Matt and Karina flies over London, taking in the Shard, Big Ben and Buckingham Palace before landing near the river. They extract themselves from the chopper and climb into a Rolls Royce, as Karina has an opulence orgasm. Matt worries that in the end, these women are going to be seduced by all the trappings of wealth and status and not fall in love genuinely with the real him. Which…he isn’t showing them? I mean, are we supposed to believe the response of any sane woman to this particular reveal would be anything other than “fuck off”? Karina and Matt travel downriver on a boat and two plants scream “WE LOVE YOU HARRY!” at him from a bridge as they pass down it and I’m sorry this is all really boring. And not just because it involves Karina.
Back at the “castle” thankfully things are more interesting as, not only has Anna Lisa reached her limit with this show, so has Chelsea. She announces to the table, apropos of nothing, that she’s bored of everyone now. Anna Lisa asks if this means that Chelsea hates her, and Chelsea says that she doesn’t, honest, but nobody really seems to understand what she’s saying, especially when it revolves around topics other than endlessly talking about whether Matt is or is not Prince Harry, so she’s not going to bother talking to them in future. Anna Lisa decides to take this to mean “please, Anna Lisa, talk to me at length about your opinion of me as a person” and Chelsea cuts her off every time she tries to start because when she said “I’m not talking to you” and “I’d like you to stop engaging with me now”, she actually meant it. So unusual for reality tv. Drunk Maggie then leaps in to yell that Chelsea is BEING RUDE some more, because she’s still not over being exposed to the world as a Sloppy Drunk that everyone laughs at. I mean…I knew it the second I laid on you Drunk Maggie, so maybe look within for the answer to your problems rather than constantly spraying without. Also stop pretending to be 24. Just a tip. Ageing is liberating. Until you’re like THIRTY-FIVE or something. Incidentally Anna Lisa’s root problem with Chelsea appears to involve some sort of incident that happened when Anna Lisa was taking a shower, which I so wish we’d seen instead of anything involving either Kimberly or Karina or Rose, ever. Chelsea finally reaches her breaking point and tells Anna Lisa to shut the fuck up and Anna Lisa says EXCUSE ME and WHAT DID YOU SAY? a lot, because unthinking escalation is all half these women know.
At some point in the middle of this Jackie decides to let us know that the Mean Girls are now in fact MegHan, Anna Lisa AND DRUNK MAGGIE. Dunn dunn durrrrrrrrrrrrrn. I basically take this to mean that literally nobody is talking to Tacky Jackie any more.
Back in London, Karina asks Matt what his typical day is like, and Matt’s all “WOAH, I CAN’T FAKE THAT LEVEL OF DETAIL, JUST ASK ME WHEN MY BIRTHDAY IS OR SOMETHING EASY LIKE THAT”. They witter on a bit about what a lovely boring day it’s been and hold hands and then kiss mechanically four times. Peck, peck, peck, peck. Matt talks in interview about the fiery, immediate, passionate attraction between him and Karina, like that between an accountant and double-entry. And MegHan and double entr[punchline deleted]. Matt tells Karina some GCSE shit about her eyes in Spanish and then tells her he quite likes her and she tells him she quite likes him too and I swear once the nutcases all get eliminated this show is going to be so bloody boring. Good job there’s so many of them.
Back at the “castle” all of the other girls except Chelsea are waiting for Karina’s return. Actually… Chelsea’s notably not been in a lot of these “the girls sit around and wait for some plot to happen so they can do reaction shots” segments for a while now. Just saying. Karina returns and calls everyone her “girlies” and goes into great detail about how she and Matt made out. WITH TONGUE (not that I saw, love). Drunk Maggie interviews that she’s soooooooooo jealous. Wearing furs. Classy lady. Karina then brings up that time they went under a bridge and some teenage girls screamed and pointed at Matt. Being an American I guess she’s not familiar with gingerphobia. Drunk Maggie asks what the girls were screaming and Karina says that she couldn’t hear what it was. Well those two are getting fired then. SCREAM LOUDER INTERNS, OR ELSE SEACREST GETS THE WHIP OUT. Karina closes smugly by saying that the girls even got their phones out to take pictures, like this is the coup de grace and teenage girls don’t get their phones out for literally anything these days.
Dinnertime comes around, and everyone “notices” that Chelsea is absent. This is because Chelsea is sat in her room waiting to go home. She’s decided that everyone involved in the show is too awful for it to be worth the stipend for being here any longer, so she’s quitting. All the other women sit around the table bitching about her, until NotKingsley enters and tells Karina that Matt would like to see her in his bedroom for drinks. Oh good, more Karina Time. She goes to his room, they sit on one another, Matt lovingly pats her knee, Karina drawls that Matt is VERY INTERESTING (really not), Matt interviews that he’s starting to feel guilty about lying to Karina because he really likes her, they kiss boringly some more…you know the drill. Back at the table, all the other women neck from their wine glasses like they’re doing tequila shots. Drunk Maggie slurs her way through her jealousy issues some more, and then MegHan gets bored of it and says that she’s glad for Karina if she gets laid tonight because at least one of them will be. Anna Lisa then laughs that at least that way they might get to find out how big his dick is, via the gossip grapevine. Nothing, and I mean NOTHING will get you adopted into the royal family quicker than cackling openly about how big their boners are. Try and imagine Kate Middleton talking about Will’s penis. Ever. Under any circumstances. Can’t do it can you? MegHan then smacks the table with her palm yelling “SIX FEET, SIX FIGURES, SIX INCHES!” and Drunk Maggie gives notice that if Prince Harry is a short-dick man, she’s out. Kelley shakes her head ruefully. She’d marry Prince Harry even if he had NO PENIS. THAT’S TRUE LOVE! THE MOVIES TOLD HER SO! RAYN GOSLING MIGHT NOT HAVE A PENIS IN THE NOTEBOOK!
Kelley then has a major meltdown, voice cracking, eyes watering that SHE wants to spend time in the Crown Suite. IT’S HER TURN. She is TIRED OF SITTING IN THE CORNER AND NOT GETTING A CHANCE! The music goes full on slasher-movie at this point, which…is not unfair on Kelley to be honest. She’s giving off real Manson Family vibes at this point
Next morning now, and Ryan Seacrest has told Chelsea personally (via phone) (via intern) that if she wants to leave she has to do a big goodbye scene with Matt where she calls out all the other women for being bitches, by name, and she’s all “sure, why not?”. She and Matt sit on a bench in the garden and she darkly tells him to beware of MegHan and Anna Lisa and Drunk Maggie as a red-tinted blood-soaked montage of their evil faces plays, and that she’s leaving and Matt’s all “oh that’s a pity” and Chelsea’s all “I know” and Matt’s all “are you sure? Next week there’s bog snorkelling in the Cotswolds” and Chelsea’s all “oh well, you needed to do a double-elimination about now for the schedule of the show to work anyway, you’ll get over it” and then Chelsea is gone from all our lives forever, although she does make sure to swan in to the girls bedrooms to let them all know that she’s leaving because if she’d had to stay in a room with Drunk Maggie for five seconds longer she would have twatted her with a pool cue. Atta girl. Matt interviews that it’s really awful that Chelsea’s been bullied off the show, but he WILL GET REVENGE FOR HER! ON ONE GIRL!
Kelley interviews that she’s sorry that Chelsea had to leave, because she’s cool, but really she’d lost focus on what was important, so it’s probably the right decision. I don’t need to tell you what’s important right? It’s prizing the attention of a man, any man, over your own sanity.
With Chelsea gone, it’s time for the whole-group date of the week, which this week is just…lounging around in the garden. Wow they ran out of horse-related things to do quickly didn’t they? If they really wanted to get into the life of a British royal they could all sit around for half an hour snorting it for a start. The major focus of activity appears to be Badminton, but that lasts for about 5 minutes as Kelley clearly doesn’t understand the rules, and spends most of her time trying to charge through the net and sliding around on the floor and yelling “I’M THE ATHLETIC ONE!”. MegHan interviews that Kelley’s “level of competition is bizarre”. I wouldn’t stop there. Not by a long chalk. Matt interviews conversely that he thinks Kelley is really down-to-earth and real. Mmmmm hmmm.
Having got notice that Anna Lisa is openly defying the show’s main illusion, Matt decides this is the time to take her off to the side and shoot her. I mean, spend time with her. Once they’re sequestered on a bench, Anna Lisa decides to derisively bring up every bullshit “hint” Matt and Ryan Seacrest have dropped so far as to his identity at once, like she’s fishing with dynamite, which puts Matt in an absolute flat spin from the off, stammering into his drink and tripping over his words and resorting to the same old “WHO DOESN’T?” and “YOU’LL HAVE TO WAIT AND FIND OUT” crap he was pulling back at the Masquerade Ball, except this is Week 4 now and Anna Lisa is an LA shark who has scented blood in a phony backstory and is having a whale of a time feasting. And this isn’t MegHan and they’re not in a hot-tub so he can’t stuff his mouth with her tongue to stop the awfulness. Eventually, flappingly, Matt finds the secret to getting all this to end, which is to ask Anna Lisa about HER life, which of course starts her off on a long train of garbage about her journey of reality tv growth in which she’s learnt how to interact with other women and stop and smell the roses in life and blah blah blah. The whole time she grins and flaps her eyes like she’s talking to the Miss Universe judges about the Iraq and such as.
Phew. That was a close one.
Badminton and interrogation over it’s time for everyone to get into the hot tub because so far this episode nobody’s been in their bikini for all of half an hour. Everyone strips off and clambers in and Drunk Maggie yells that they all should play Truth Or Dare. Sadly, we don’t get to see much of this no doubt fascinating and revealing session beyond Rose doing the chicken dance in her bikini for one of the “security guys” and everyone proclaiming it the funniest thing they’ve ever seen, because they’re very easily amused. Anyway, apparently the whole time Matt and MegHan are playing footsie with one another under the bubbles. We know this because MegHan tells us about in great length in interview. A large part of me hopes she was mostly getting up in Tacky Jackie’s personal area by mistake. Also MegHan apparently has settled on “Babe” as a nickname for Matt. So flattering.
Time passes, and it’s time for the evening meal, where everyone agrees that one of them will be sent up to the Crown Suite, but also that nobody’s going home, because of Chelsea’s quit. So Kingsley comes in and tells Anna Lisa that “Sir” would like to speak with her and takes her off, and everyone assumes that Anna Lisa is going to be made this week’s queen because they are DUMB DUMB DUMB. Of course Kingsley’s minces back into the room 5 seconds later wearing his best stern rejected-from-RADA face to tell them all that Sir would ALSO like to talk to Kelley. Kelley weeps and cries and crosses herself about 50 times to her lord Prince Harry, but of course she’s staying and Anna Lisa is going home for being a dreadful human being. Woo. Kelley makes a bunch of insane dolphin noises and writhes around in her chair like she’s just received the spirit.
Next Week : Drunk Maggie gets so drunk it makes Matt cry.