In which someone is eliminated for not being good enough at twerking. I wonder if the same was true of Cressida Bonas.
Previously on I Wanna Marry “Harry” : Rose threw herself at Matt on the Isle Of Wight, there was an International Incident in which “Prince Charming” abandoned the women to a terrorist incident so fast he left a little cloud of Matt-shaped dust behind him, Kimberly was “best” at “playing cricket”, Andrea complimented rather than criticised the other girls on their physical appearance so she went home because who’s interested in women being nice to one another?, and most importantly Drunk Maggie was a drunken mess all over a seafood dinner, so Anna Lisa and MegHan suggested she stop and then Jacqueline went on a drunken tirade calling them THE MEAN GIRLS, all in the name of Drunk Maggie’s human right to be as drunk as she wants to be.
We join in the middle of MegHan jumping off her bed at Jacqueline and yelling that HER HEAD IS SO FAR UP HER ASS THAT MEGhAN COULD EAT ALPHABET SOUP AND SHIT OUT MORE SENSE THAN JACQUELINE IS MAKING RIGHT NOW. Nice line. In response Jacqueline actually sincerely clutches her pearls. Actual pearls. Clutches them. I don’t think I’ve ever seen it happen in real life before. So that’s one more thing I can tick off the Bucket List. MegHan snits in interview that Jacqueline is Not Princess Material, which she’s clearly trying to make her catchphrase and good for her.
Did you know that the Executive Producer of this programme is Ryan Seacrest? I mean I knew this programme was high quality, but I never knew it had that sort of artistic clout behind it.
Next morning now, and picking their way through the aftermath of Drunk Maggie’s Evening Of Fun like the post-apocalyptic survivor of a Cormac MacCarthy novel is a minor butler. Not Kingsley. Presumably that guy’s off helping Matt get into his pants or whatever it is that he does. The minor butler finds himself in the Crown Suite, where Kimberly is sleeping in full make-up (duh), to tell her that the Rolls Royce will be outside to pick her up shortly. And you KNOW WHO OWNS A ROLLS ROY…oh never mind. Kimberly lurches out of bed, straightens her hair haphazardly, and interviews that she’s trying not to focus too much on who the Mysterious Man is, just on getting some alone time with him. You wouldn’t know it. To be fair, she’s managed to corner him in every single episode so far, so she’s clearly doing something right. Probably giving suitably ridiculous reaction shots, as we immediately cut to the Rolls Royce pulling up to a field with a hot air balloon and Kimberly losing her shit over it. Seriously, her jaw unhinges like she’s trying to swallow a grapefruit. She tells us that she’s never seen a hot air balloon before, so it’s like a unicorn to her. I think that’s next week. Matt sticks an ice-cream cone on the forehead of an old nag and Kelley squeals the place down interviewing “WHO HAS A YEWNEEKORN? ONLY PRINCE HARRY! IT MUST BE HIM!”
The hot air balloon has a giant Union Jack on it by the way. So classy you could actually die of nobility.
As Matt and Kimberly make their way over to the balloon through the cow-pats, Kimberly gushes that this is the NICEST THING ANY GUY HAS EVER DONE FOR HER. I’m sure whatever poor unpaid Fox Intern who had to book it at the same time as fetching Mr Seacrest his iced water with lemon is very gracious for your kind words Kim. I’d suggest you’d maybe bonk him instead, but I can’t imagine that you’re his type. The balloon sails out majestically over the English countryside with our two nerks safely trussed up in the basket and Kimberly continues to go on about how exciting this all is as a poor girl from New York seeing the vastness of the blah blah blah look at all the baby deer. Let’s go back to the “castle” and see how everyone’s coping with their hangovers.
Turns out that Drunk Maggie’s in no fit state to be viewed, so let’s check in with her helper monkey Jacqueline. She’s pasting her face on and saying that she regrets what she yelled at MegHan and Anna Lisa last night although she totally doesn’t and it was all true and they can still kiss her ass. She scampers off wearing some sort of Native American bathmat to Anna Lisa’s room, plonks herself on the bed, and tells Anna Lisa ever-so-earnestly that she doesn’t have a problem with HER. It’s just MegHan she has a problem with. Because MegHan‘s a bitch and judgemental and like a bunch of girls who Jackie went to school with who stole her boyfriend and called her afro-pubes and yadda yadda and so on. Of course Jacqueline is in Anna Lisa‘s room and it’s about 9am so obviously MegHan is on her way to make sure they’re colour-coordinated for the day and that Anna Lisa has her feeder lines ready for MegHan to zing off hilariously, so entirely coincidentally she’s stood outside the door the whole time listening in and pulling awesome “OH THIS IS INTERESTING” MegHan faces. With Rose by her side, as well, randomly. I guess I’d be more surprised by Rose’s constantly shifting friendships if she were in any way an actual person.
So Jacqueline leaves the room and walks right into a very smirky MegHan who’s all “LOL BUSTED” and Anna Lisa cackles her head off and pledges her troth to MegHan just that little bit deeper. Jacqueline and MegHan then hash out their issues on Anna Lisa’s bed, with Jacqueline sighing that MegHan’s really judgmental, and MegHan pointing out that when you barge into someone’s room in the middle of the night and start yelling at them that they’re a Mean Girl then they may well judge you for it. Seems fair. MegHan then interviews that Jaqueline is Not Princess Material (see?) and is in fact “Tacky Jackie”. I do hope we hear some more of MegHan’s Nursery Rhyme nicknames for all the other contestants before this series is over. Haggy Maggie, Smelley Kelley, Adipose Rose. But do remember, she’s very much NOT a Mean Girl.
Jacqueline interviews that she thinks Prince Harry would be really disappointed by all this cattiness and “insane drama”. Bless her that she thinks she is providing “insane drama”. It’s hardly Titus Andronicus. Wake me up when you serve MegHan and Anna Lisa to Matt in a pie, then we’ll talk “insane drama”. Back in the room MegHan reels off “no offence Columbus, but you were all over the fucking map last night, you couldn’t navigate anything” and then she realises she’s all out of pre-rehearsed lines so sprints off back to her writers room where Anna Lisa is typing frantically at a 1920s typewriter with a cigarette stuck behind her ear. Jacqueline then interviews that she would never be friends with someone like MegHan in the real world, but in the house it’s all about keeping your friends close but your enemies closer. Oh hun, that’s not what that was at all, but ok. You keep doing you. Mostly cliches.
Back in the hot air balloon, Matt and Kimberly are making awkward small talk about whether she’s used to being filmed for tv yet. Kimberly chirrups in interview that whilst she knows in the back of her head that she’s talking to Prince Harry and she’s really nervous, it actually all really comes out smoothly and naturally (really?) and just like she’s talking to a normal person. I mean…I’m sure that interview was supposed to be dramatic irony but…look at this show, none of these people are “normal people”. The balloon lands, and Kimberly giggles that next time she’d like the balloon to be pink. I think that would actually be less tacky yes. They wander into some woods (seriously, what is it with this show and dates in the middle of forests?) and there’s a picnic and about 5 of the show’s Men In Black waiting for them. It’s time like these that I miss Cawwianne from The Gavin Henson Bachelor. She would have shagged at least two of these hangers-on by now. And Kingsley.
Matt and Kimberly recline in a hammock and he asks her how many boyfriends she’s had before. She tells him that she’s only really had one serious boyfriend in her life. Matt next gives a slightly whiny interview about how Kimberly’s being really guarded, so I’m guessing she wouldn’t provide him reassurance that the guy’s dick was totally smaller than his royal crown jewels or whatever because seriously? Given the horrors that normally spring out if you’re stupid enough to ask about someone’s dating history on your first official date, you should be grateful she didn’t spend a good 20 minutes complaining about how he just wasn’t right for her and he didn’t even own a car and he was always spitting for no reason and to be honest he loved his mother a little too much if you know what I mean. Anyway, there’s then some stupid drama where a “paparazzo” appears from nowhere and starts taking pictures and then the Men In Black chase him off. It’d be so much more fun if they pretend shot him in the head for treason behind a tree and then were all like “this is allowed in Britain”. Kimberly gamely interviews that obviously this proves that Matt is Prince Harry, just like everything else does. The show even goes to the trouble of faking up a British gossip magazine cover, complete with the scandalous pictures of “Prince Harry” standing and talking to a woman and other stories like “CONFESSION : I’M A SHOPAHOLIC!” and “WIN A HOLIDAY OF LIFE TIME!!!” (sic). Seacrest works those interns hard.
Back at the mansion, the girls are sat out on the lawn, all dressed like they’re going shopping on Rodeo Drive, apart from Chelsea who is sat there in the corner in geek glasses, a bobble hat, and…I think she might actually be wearing carpet. She’s so out of place. Ah well, only two more episodes to go (give or take). Kimberly returns and tells everyone about her date, more specifically the part where “apparently there was a paparazzi” taking pictures. Everyone squeals excitedly that KIMBERLY IS GOING TO BE IN A MAGAZINE BEING CALLED A SKANK. Almost like that’s really the prize they were all aiming for the whole time. Also I know I said I’d stop recapping the “ZOMG IT MIGHT BE PRINCE HARRY” interviews but in this one Drunk Maggie actually says “Am I an idiot or is this Prince Harry?” and that one’s too good to pass up.
Kimberly then worms her way into my heart a little bit by bemoaning the fact that in winning the cricket challenge she missed the big tag-team bout the night before between MegHan and Anna Lisa, and Jacqueline and Drunk Maggie. MegHan snorts that Kimberly didn’t really miss anything, and Anna Lisa giggles that it was “cuckoo bananas” and gives her a quick blow-by-blow, and this all prompts an interview from Dr Carley saying that she doesn’t have much in common with these girls because she’s smart and classy and knows about cellar molleclar barlagy. I do so love when people can actually factually demonstrate that they do have more worthwhile things they could be doing than dumb shows like this, and then expect it to make us judge them LESS harshly for being here. I’ve been writing about dumb reality tv for about 7 years now, so you’d think I’d be used to the constant pointless presence of people who really need us to believe that they’re better than the dumb thing that they’re doing entirely of their own volition when they could easily not be, but here we are.
Recap of the pyrotechnics for Kimberly’s benefit over with, it’s time to determine who is going on a group date. Sadly there’s no picking drama this week, as Kingsley reveals that Drunk Maggie, Jacqueline (as her helper monkey) and Kelley are all going to go boating. Drunk Maggie screams “I’M GOING ON A BOAT! I LOVE BOATS!” to no-one in particular. Matt explains to us that he has personally summonsed these three women because they haven’t stood out to him yet, and it’d be unfair to send anyone home without at least giving them a chance of shine (*cough*ANDREA*cough*). I do love the idea that the 40 year old drop-down drunk hasn’t stood out in this cast yet. I mean, in 6 months time, the only women I’m going to remember from this cast are going to be Drunk Maggie, MegHan, whoever wins, and maybe Rose in my nightmares. The three women (as the soundtrack hilariously plays something that’s supposed to sound like Jerusalem) wind up riverside and find a variety of rowing boats waiting for them. Kelley squeals “THIS IS JUST LIKE THE NOTEBOOK!”. In so many ways. Kelley interviews that she loves The Notebook (I am so so so so very surprised) because by the end of the film the female lead is effectively brainde…I mean “with Prince Charming”.
Somehow the girls manage to row the boat out to the middle of the lake under their own steam, which frankly as a concept I find even LESS likely than any of them believing Matt is Prince Harry. Like, you can have a whole LOBSTER dinner if that one’s true. Once there Jacqueline and Kelley strip off to their bras and panties and jump into the water squealing and splashing and having fun, whilst Drunk Maggie just sits there sunning herself. I’m guessing insurance wouldn’t cover her getting in water any deeper than a bath. Run for a baby. With mummy watching. Matt then emerges from the reeds all “I’LL TAKE OVER FROM HERE LADIES”, takes control and promptly rams the boat into the side of the river. D’oops. Drunk Maggie interviews that she was glad to see Matt fail at something, because it shows he’s not perfect. Also because I’m guessing a rowing boat’s not the best place to try to work off a hangover *churn*.
Rowing abandoned, it’s time for a picnic. All the girls thank Matt for picking them, and then Kelley starts honking on about The Notebook again. Matt grins that he loves The Notebook. See, I would have busted him on his Fake Super Sekrit Identity there and then because ANY IDIOT KNOWS that Prince Harry’s favourite chick-flick is How To Lose A Guy In Ten Days. You FAILED HIM KINGLSEY, YOU FAILED HIM. TEACH THE LEAD GUY FROM “I WANNA DRILL WILL” BETTER. Drunk Maggie yells that she loves guys who love chick flicks, and then *subtly* asks Matt questions about how close he is with his brother and whether his brother maybe just had a baby with his really boring wife. I mean…I don’t know how much longer we’re expected to believe that these women are so forward that they’re constantly trying to jam their tongue down his throat in a hot-tub and grabbing his dick in the middle of a game of croquet, but not one of them is forward enough to go “look, are you Prince Harry or not?”. I mean, all this coyness and “sensitivty” about his true identity belongs to a set of etiquette rules these women clearly don’t subscribe to. Except maybe Kelley, cause she’s from the South innit?
Speaking of which, Matt has decided Kelley is going to get some alone time with him so they can dish about The Notebook so more. I can’t blame them, Ryan Gosling is dreamy. They go out for a solo trip in the boat, which Matt miraculously can manoeuvre now, and Kelley asks Matt what it was like growing up in a fairy tale. Prince Harry’s childhood notoriously being idyllic and trauma-free of course. Matt tells her that it had its perks, but really as an adult he now longs for privacy. Privacy filmed by the Fox Network. He asks Kelley about her past dating life and she’s said that she’s never had a serious boyfriend (yes, it shows), but she goes on a lot of dates. But nobody else quite shares her love of the work of Nicholas Sparks, so it never goes anywhere. She’s just never found a guy who really gets A Walk To Remember. Matt then asks her who her celebrity dream date would be, and she of course replies “Prince Harry!” without missing a beat. Poor sap.
Kelley next suggests that they go swimming together, and then she does a backflip off the side of the boat, twatting herself in the head off the side of the rowing boat as she does so. I guess the part of Nicholas Sparks she really identifies with is how all the protagonists are literally too dumb to live. Matt dives in after her but fortunately she’s still alive. Just mildly concussed. And it’s not as though we’ll ever be able to tell the difference on that score, except now I swear one of her eyes is looking in a slightly different direction than it was before. Kelley interviews that it was really romantic that her Prince Charming didn’t let her drown. It was just like a fairy tale. She’s right, I checked my Hans Christian Andersen, and The Prince & The Backwoods Moron really is a classic of the genre. Slightly freaked out by Kelley’s intensity, Matt suggests they all go back home again now bye. All three women wave him off, and Jacqueline interviews that she’s going to make sure she rubs this date in everyone’s faces later. Yes, this date where you crashed a boat and ate a sandwich and then your dream-date went off to discuss Rachel McAdams with a certifiable nutcase. I’m sure they’ll be seething with jealousy.
Indeed, once the women get back, and all crowd into Anna Lisa’s bedroom together to dish about the date, and how every single minute thing that happened only goes to prove that this is definitely Prince Harry, Jacqueline has literally nothing to say. It’s all Kelley and Drunk Maggie cackling with Karina in their dressing gowns about how they’re going to marry rich and then spend the rest of their life on a yacht with Princess Anne. Chelsea interviews amazingly that she’s really bored of everyone talking about Prince Harry all the time, because she doesn’t give a shit who this guy is, she just wants to get laid. You and me both love. Meanwhile MegHan and Anna Lisa bemoan the fact that they haven’t had any private time with Prince Harry yet. Poor Mean Girls.
They’ll get their turn though, as the next day dawns and Kingsley announces that the day will see a POOL PARTY! I would imagine that if there’s any arena in which MegHan and Anna Lisa are in their element, it’s a pool party. I’m sure they do little else with their days. The women run off and change into their swimming costumes. In some cases this involves ADDING layers of clothing. They then saunter down to the pool, which has been decorated with a fairly half-arsed Arabian Nights theme, complete with DJ and bar. Drunk Maggie of course heads STRAIGHT to the bar like a gin-seeking missile. She interviews that Prince Harry is “the party guy” so this is probably going to get really wild and debauched. Let’s just say that Matt is clearly very much not “the party guy” and that if his behaviour over the next few hours didn’t prove to these women that he is not an international playboy then there’s not much else that will.
All the women are getting low and winding their waists and having a good time by the pool as Matt strolls up. He tells us that he’s come dressed like Prince Harry was in those infamous Vegas photos. No, not completely nude! HE’S WEARING THAT ICONIC PANAMA HAT WE ALL REMEMBER!!!! (*shrug*). I swear, if he wasn’t wearing swimming shorts, you’d think from the way he’s dressed and carrying himself that he was a slightly dodgy young vicar on holiday in a Poirot. He interviews dreamily that what with all the sexy young women in their bikinis it feels like he’s just walked into heaven. This concept of heaven is illustrated by a short slow-motion montage or Kelley and Kimberly dancing seductively together whilst Drunk Maggie necks cocktails and MegHan rolls her eyes at everybody. Who knew this show did irony?
All the girls haul themselves out of the pool and gather around Matt, as he announces that there’s going to be a LIMBO COMPETITION IN THE NAME OF THE INTERNATIONAL CHRISTIAN AID ORPHANS FU…oh no, just because. I swear, he is radiating lameness so hard I think he may just actually have regained his virginity. He’s also heroically bad at limbo, just kind of…bending his knees and ducking. Rose interviews that PRINCE HARRY IS REALLY FLEXIBLE HA HA WINK WINK HONK HONK and I’m so glad this has turned out mostly to be a Rose-free episode. The limbo competition proceeds, for all Rose’s squealing about what a slutty naughty sexual gymnast she is she sucks at it, Drunk Maggie nearly garottes herself, MegHan does well under her giant fakey boobs make it impossible for her to proceed, and Anna Lisa wins. See? Told you this is where she’d be queen.
His own spinal failings horribly revealed, Matt says that all this Sodom & Gomorrah madness aside, he’s here to find true love, so it’s time to take one of these women aside again to get to know them. Kimberly and Kelley both interview that they really hope it’s them, AGAIN, because apparently they don’t believe in sharing, but this is a Pool Party, where the Mean Girls rule and sip pina coladas and make fun of everyone else’s fat thighs, so it’s MegHan getting picked. Jacqueline seethes that Matt has been hypnotised by MegHan’s giant fake boobs but SHE KNOWS THAT WHEN HE SPEAKS TO HER HE’LL REALISE THAT SHE’S EVIL AND WILL SEND HER HOME FORTHWITH. Yeah…let’s see how that works out.
So…how it works out is :
Matt : “…so…hi…”
MegHan : “Wanna make out?”
Matt : “…sure”
Followed by about 5 minutes of pashing with MegHan pinning Matt down like she’s trying to line him up for an underwater three-count. Seriously, this is some 70s sex farce seduction.
Once she’s done she sprints herself back to the other women yelling “WE KISSED! NO TONGUE THOUGH!”. Hilariously Rose peeps up “yeah that’s what I did as well, whatever”. All of the other women seethe, particularly Kimberly who thought that SHE had forged a connection with Matt, and Jacqueline, who just got an object lesson in how you actually go about rubbing things in. Matt saunters back over and plonks himself in the middle of everyone like nothing just happened. Dr Carley leans in to him all “I just want you to know that I really appreciate music and am a professional dj myself” so just he KNOWS that she’s better than not just all the other women but the guy he hired in to dj as well. Matt tells Dr Carley to go and do some dj’ing then if she’s so good at it. Dr Carley pouts and sighs and acts like she doesn’t really want to, which…I’m amazed that a woman this inert managed to get through casting. Matt interviews that Dr Carley’s really pretty but…she doesn’t seem to *do* an awful lot.
After some cajoling he manages to persuade Dr Carley to take the decks, and the *speed* at which the dj moves away from his decks to go hook up on some free-floating skanks is quite something. Dr Carley of course makes a bunch of excuses about how these decks aren’t quite like the ones she’s got at home and then lays down some fairly anonymous dance beats. She interviews that this is all very awkward because she’s the sort of person who never wants to be the centre of attention. For whatever reason, Dr Carley’s crazy disco bet however sends all the women and Matt into a libidinous frenzy, and they all start cavorting around grinding up and down on one another. MegHan in particular is just shoving her arse into Matt’s crotch as he stomps around dad-dancing. Even Kingsley gets in on the action. In fact, everyone’s so excited they even find a purpose for Chelsea, as she teaches everyone how to twerk. Well…everyone except for Dr Carley, who says that she doesn’t want her 8 year old niece picking up any bad habits. Jesus…is your 8 year old niece THERE AT THE POOL Dr Carley? Because if not, I can’t imagine the role of any responsible aunt would involve EVER LETTING HER SEE THIS PROGRAMME EVER, REGARDLESS OF WHETHER YOU TWERKED ON IT OR NOT.
(Chelsea also doesn’t teach Rose how to twerk so much as she teaches Rose to bend over and shudder like a shitting dog, but…that’s Rose for you I guess)
Anyway, all the contestants except Dr Carley dance around provocatively, and Matt notices that Kelley is…just staring at him. The whole time. Without blinking. Or breathing. Kelley then advances on him and tries to do some patented MegHan butt-crotch interface dancing, but somehow winds up sticking her bum between his calves, like she wants him to ride her round like she’s a miniature pony. I think the co-ordination on that one’s completely gone, post-concussion. Obviously I’m glad that (SPOILERS) Dr Carley goes this episode, because she’s awful, but I’m thinking it might not have been the worst thing to do to keep a medic around. Even if just one in cellar molecklar barlagy.
As the party winds down, Matt decides he’s got time to ask one more girl for some private time, so he invites Karina to come over to the hot-tub now that he’s had time to clean up what MegHan made him do in his pants. Everyone claps and cheers for her, apart from Dr Carley and Chelsea, who are just completely ignoring everything that’s going on at this point and chatting away obliviously to one another. Dr Carley because she’s so much better than everyone else, and Chelsea because she still clearly doesn’t have a clue what’s going on. Once Karina’s over at the hot tub and in the water, Matt rather douchily asks her if she’s frustrated that she doesn’t know much about him, or if she’s turned on by his mystique (lol ok) and Karina awesomely replies that, to be honest, she’s dated rich and famous people before so she’s never been that excited or intrigued by it. Like, she’s dated a European football player before and they were followed by the paparazzi all the time, not just one weirdo in a wood with a long-lens camera, mate, you’re small fry. She tells Matt that she doesn’t care who he is – she likes him for him (*WINK WINK TAKE ME TO PARIS*). They go on to have what seems to be the first actual smooth, genuine (you know, ish) conversation of the show and then Matt totally goes in for a kiss as she leaves and she gives him the cheek.
I think I might learn to like Karina. If she clears her sinuses.
*checks watch* So Drunk Maggie hasn’t done something sloppy and awful in the last…30 minutes, so I think we’re all ready and recharged for her next bout yes? Kelley, lounging in a side-pool for toddlers says something fairly innocuous about not liking “elimination talk”, so Drunk Maggie slurs “IT’S REALITY SWEETIE….IT’S HAPPENING!” at her, inappropriately aggressively, then goes in on MegHan for KISSING THE BOY SHE LIKES. At this point everyone kind of knows just to let Drunk Maggie be Drunk Maggie so it’s all very civil, but MegHan interviews that she doesn’t think the Royal Family would appreciate someone getting “Piss-Ass Wasted” every night. Well if I take nothing else from this show, I’m going to take the term “Piss-Ass Wasted” so there’s that. Drunk Maggie then all but demands that Kelley say she has a problem with MegHan kissing Matt, and Kelley I think fairly sincerely says that she accepts that Matt saw something in MegHan that he genuinely liked (her tits) and went for it. And when the backwoods fairy-tale dwelling modest Southern girl with concussion is navigating the real world of 21st century sluttiness better than you, it’s maybe time to dial back on the tequilla slammers, DRUNK MAGGIE.
Party over, the sun flies across the sky and it’s time for the evening meal before the elimination. There then follows the best scene of this entire series, and possibly of any reality show ever I can’t really say :
Kelley : “So the producers have asked me to start the 50th conversation this episode about who this guy really is so…”
MegHan : “I’d like to keep some dignity so I’m going to say that we don’t really know anything and he could be, like, some reality show trash-ho and this could all be one big joke”
Kimberly : “REALITY TV TRASH-HOS DON’T HAVE SECRET SERVICE THOUGH!”
MegHan : “…”
Jacqueline : “Did William and Harry’s father remarry?”
MegHan : “Oh yeah, he’s married to Camilla now”
Jacqueline : “Does SHE have any children?”
Rose : “She has children but…I don’t know what they look like…” *cogs whirr*
Drunk Maggie : “WAIT A MINUTE, WHAT IF THIS GUY IS CAMILLA’S SON?”
*everyone looks shocked, appalled, like they just realised they’ve shat themselves AND their airplane just got hijacked all at the same time*
Amazing. Poor Camilla.
Kingsley and Matt at this point are off discussing the notable wenches of the episode. They are : Chelsea (for knowing how to twerk), MegHan (for putting out), Karina (for preserving her modesty), Dr Carley (for being a complete bore), and Kelley (for being delusional). The two up for discussion are Karina and Dr Carley, and I don’t think I need to go through the entire preamble to reveal that it’s Karina who’s getting taken up the Crown Suite and Dr Carley who’s going home to work on her cellar moleclar barlagy. If you want to know more about Dr Carley, here’s her exit interview. I think it encapsulates what we all missed out on very well.
So let’s get back to what we all came for, before she sobers up again. Drunk Maggie is sat at the table, clutching her forehead and groaning. She says that every time we get to this point she’s completely wrong about who’s going home. Just think how drunk you would have to be for that to be true. Rose vs the girl who told Matt he was boring her and he should dance with someone else now. Kimberly vs the girl he literally never spoke to. Karina vs Dr Carley. I ask you. She yells to the table that she’s really getting feelings for Prince Harry (BASED ON WHAT?) and that she’s really jealous of all the other girls. Chelsea then snarks that she could see that from how she popped off on MegHan earlier, Drunk Maggie slurs “WHEN? I DIDN’T YELL AT HER!!!” and tells Chelsea to fuck off.
Everyone then goes back to Anna Lisa’s bedroom and does mean impersonations of Drunk Maggie and it’s great.
Next Week : Chelsea finally gets so bored and confused about this Prince Harry thing that she tells everyone to do one. Hooray!