I Wanna Marry “Harry” – Episode 2

More properly known as “I” “Wanna” “Marry” “”Harry””.

Previously on I Wanna Marry “Harry”, 12 women came to London, England to win the hand in marriage of a career in the American media. Their one personality trait a-piece is :

MegHan : Alpha Bitch
Anna Lisa : Beta Bitch
Kimberly : New Yorker
Rose : Perky Slut
Drunk Maggie : Drunk
Kelley : Naive
Karina : Nasal
Chelsea : African-American
Carley : “Smart”
Leah : Cool
Jacqueline : TBD
Andrea : TBD

So much more still to discover. Well…two things. And Leah’s already gone (WHY GOD WHYYYYYYYY?)

Nauseatingly Chipper Phoney Rose wOn the first challenge – a community theatre re-enactment of Eyes Wide Shut. As such she won access to the CROWN SUITE. Now, last episode this sounded like a lame prize because the extent of it seemed to be just that she got to sleep in a nice bed. BUT WAIT! The start of this episode reveals there is in fact more to it than that. The Crown Suite is next door to “Harry” (aka Matt)’s room! This gives him the opportunity to sneak in first thing in the morning whilst Rose is still in her underwear and dressing-gown to “surprise her”. I hope when Drunk Maggie receives her due and gains access to the Crown Suite he finds her face down on the floor in a pile of Doritos and vomit. Wearing a stetson. And nothing else. Of course because it’s Rose she’s in the middle of brushing her teeth and brushing her hair pretty much at the same time. She giggles “OH MY GOD, I DON’T HAVE CLOTHES ON!” through a mouthful of white sputum and then trips around the room coquettishly going “boop oop ee doop” whilst Matt just gawps at her. Yeah, this isn’t creepy at all.

Meanwhile, downstairs, MegHan and Anna Lisa are holding court at the breakfast table about men’s libidos. Apparently between them they have decided that if Matt is attracted to Rose physically than it is literally not possible for him to find either of them attractive, because that’s just how guys are because of their body types and stuff. Fortunately for them, Matt chose Rose because of her winning personality (/how she groaned that his accent was making her wet within 5 seconds of meeting him) so they’re totally still in with a shot. I’m not even sure how they’re so intimately acquainted with Rose’s body already to be making judgements like that but…oh wait, actually, it’s Rose, I’m sure she’s already done perky giggly nuderobics. On the front lawn.

Dressed (barely), Rose has finished her morning routine, and emerges from the bathroom to find that Matt has brought breakfast up for her. It appears to be mostly butter. Matt blushingly says that it’s great to see Rose without a mask on, and Rose squeaks that he’s even seeing her without her MAKE-UP MASK ON! Yeah, a couple of zits on your chin have mysteriously disappeared since 30 seconds ago Rose, don’t try that one. There then comes the following exchange :

“Are you sporty?”
“Yes”
“Are you a skiier?”
“I have skiied! Have you skiied?”
“NO! *squeak* I AM a lifeguard though, so I’m ALL ABOUT THAT!”
“So if I was struggling in the hot tub at any point?”
“ZOMG I WOULD SO RESUSCITATE YOU! IF YOU LET ME! THROUGH YOUR PENIS! I’M ALLLLLLLL ABOUT THAT!”

I could listen to these two converse for hours, I don’t know about you.

Rose at this point interviews that Matt really talks and acts like you’d expect a royal to talk and act like. Mmm hmm. Back in the room and she asks his name and he asks her to guess and she replies that SHE THINKS IT MIGHT BE SOMETHING REALLY BRITISH, LIKE MAYBE HARRY *WINK WINK*. Matt smirks. Good God, all of these dates are going to be like the world’s worst and longest game of Guess Who aren’t they?

“Are you a woman?”
“MAYBE!”
“Are you wearing a hat?”
“WELL AREN’T YOU THE INQUISITIVE ONE?”
“Do you kind of look like you should on some sort of register?”
“THAT’S FOR ME TO KNOW AND FOR YOU TO FIND OUT!!!”

Matt interviews that he’s not sure that if he said outright that he was Prince Harry that the girls would believe him. Please remember that at this point every time Matt appears on camera two girls are contractually obliged to bellow “YES, IT’S DEFINITELY PRINCE HARRY ALRIGHT!” at one another in a stage whisper two feet away from him. A stage-whisper from Brian Blessed. I think you’ll be fine Matt.

Apparently on top of breakfast, being in the Crown Suite gives Rose the right to a private one-on-one date with Matt. Oh good. More time with Rose. Just what I wanted from this episode. I do hope she doesn’t drown. The helicopter lands ostentatiously on the lawn, and Matt and Rose strut out towards it. Of course all the other women sprint up to the window of the breakfast suite and smush their faces up into it and, like, lick it and stuff. BECAUSE THEY WANTS THAT GINGER THAT BAD. Anna Lisa interviews that she’s not at all jealous that Rose is getting to go on a private date with “my future husband Prince Harry”. Oh Anna Lisa. I know it’s in the contract that you have to act deranged to be on this show, but that doesn’t prevent you from setting your own personal limits. Meanwhile MegHan is smirking to Kimberly that she hopes Rose gets air-sick and dies. Or words to that effect. Kelley interviews that, being from the South, she’s not bin in one of them gosh darn whirlybirds before but she sure would to give it a try corn sarn’it. Drunk Maggie meanwhile just squints into the middle-distance and wonders when she can start drinking again.

Matt explains via voiceover that he and Rose are going off to the Isle Of Wight for a frolic in the waves and lunch on the beach. He then muses sadly on how he’s having to act really unimpressed by this chopper like he handles one all the time, but in fact he wants to scream “YARRRRS GAWWWWD” and flail around manically as he’s finally getting to live out his sociopathic dream. My university dating career was much the same. Rose blathers on some more about fairy-tales and how Matt must be REALLY IMPORTANT to be riding around in a helicopter all the time. Just like Anneka Rice.

Back at the house, to drown their sorrows, all the girls strip into their bikinis and tart around the pool. Good lord when was this filmed? Have we had weather like that in this country the last…quarter-millennium? It’s here that Andrea’s personality emerges. It’s that of a weirdly aggressive lesbian. She yells to Karina about how amazing her boobs are (Karina is pleased) and at Kimberly about how perfect her butt is and tells everyone how much she really respects them all for really loving their own bodies. Kelley looks a bit baffled. I can’t imagine this sort of Sapphic bombardment happens much in Mobile, Alabama. Andrea then interviews that she’s 25 (ANOTHER OLDIE!) and that she’s from the world of pageants and cheerleading and dance and lots of other realms where she gets to share a locker room with other women and maybe check out their thighs. She then says that in every pageant she’s ever competed in she’s finished second, but also that she’s really used to winning. I think Andrea might be a bit confused. In more ways than one.

Back on the Isle Of Wight, Matt says that he’s going to plant seeds in Rose’s head that will then hatch into spiders and eat her awful bra…oh no, wait, sorry, they’re going to make her really think he’s Prince Harry and then she’s going to go back and tell all the other girls. I prefer my version. Matt and Rose stomp off down a lonely path into the woods with Rose saying she’s never been on a date like this before and Matt laughing “hmm hmm hmm hmm” through his lips the whole time like a total serial killer. I would be making DAMN sure that he was walking in front of me in this scenario, tv cameras or no tv cameras. Rose being Rose though is more concerned about whether you can properly see 85% of her thighs in her skirt and whether her boobs look totally hot in her white top. They totally do Rose, you’re fine.

Sadly the path leads not a giant pit filled with bloody spikes, but the beach. Rose honks that she’s really getting the ROYAL TREATMENT TODAY *WINK WINK* *HONK HONK*. Matt replies “Well if the date of a royal can’t be treated well then how can she?”. Rose, instead of picking apart that awful sentence structure (what sort of teacher IS SHE?) of course blarts out “ZOMG DID YOU JUST SAY THE DATE OF A MEMBER OF THE ROYAL FAMILY?” and Matt is all “oh look a tree!”. Everyone in this scene is so so bad at what they’re trying to be on every level. I love it. They saunter down the beach to a table laden with lobster and potato and the finest pine cones money can buy and also surrounded by “Prince Harry”‘s bodyguards. Just to remind you, they got here via a walk down a secluded and lonely woodland path, during which no security were visible whatsoever. Rose squawks that she’s never been on a date where SECURITY were following her before. I wouldn’t be so sure of that.

Rose next decides that this may be the only chance she gets to get the Mysterious Man alone, so she’s going to find out FER SURE if it’s Prince Harry. Matt as usual does a lot of smirky non-answering to everything she says, but does reveal that he’s “in the military”, “has been to Vegas” and “is close with his brother who is only a few years older”. Rose is stumped, as I imagine Rose often is in life, so she reverts to Plan B – suggestively feed Matt oysters. Because…they’re TOTALLY AN APHRODISIAC *giggle*. NOT THAT SHE NEEDS ONE HERSELF HA HA HA. Before Rose “accidentally” spills dead sealife down her cleavage, Matt suggests they go off and get changed for a swim in the sea. So of course Rose strips off into her best Slutty Princess Jasmine Stripper Bikini, and Matt hides behind a security guy to slink into a pair of board shorts. When he re-emerges, Rose just stands there openly gawping at his crotch. What a classy lady.

They go off and frolic in the waves and Rose interviews that Prince Harry’s kind of pale for her tastes (HE’S AN ENGLISH RED-HEAD LOVE, WHAT WERE YOU EXPECTING?) but he’ll do. As further evidenced by her constantly grabbing at his shorts and touching his face and flailing at his privates. Matt interviews that Rose is being a little forward for someone on a first date with a royal but…it suits him fine. They kiss, awkwardly, a bit, and then she screams “OH MY GOD I HAD TO GO FOR IT!” and doubles up laughnig like she’s got stomach cramps. I swear, even the girls of The Bachelor with Gavin Henson moved less quickly than this.

Back at the house, the other 10 women are playing croquet and yelling about balls as the helicopter returns and lands on the lawn of the “castle”. Drunk Maggie and Andrea both give interviews about how they think Matt might be Prince Harry, and if you don’t mind I’m just going to skip all these from now on because…I think we’ve got the point right? Dumb American girls definitely think this is Prince Harry, let’s get a move on. MegHan snarks into her gin cocktail as the helicopter descends that it’s time to greet the Royal Couple, and Kelley honks sadly “THEY ARE NOT!”. It’s very “Janie likes Milhouse” and I would hate to think that any of these women are taking this seriously but…I think Kelley actually might be.

Oh dear.

So Matt and Rose are here to join in the croquet. Drunk Maggie, already clearly well past breakfast, hauls Matt into her team and immediately starts pawing at his chest and arse, as Kelley rather feebly wags her finger at her and protests. Clearly unnerved, Matt eeps that he really doesn’t feel like he’s got to know New York Kimberly yet so WHY DON’T WE RUN OFF OVER HERE, AWAY FROM MADAME OCTOPUS AND HAVE A CHAT? Never mind that Kimberly is one of the, like, three people he spoke to last episode. Drunk Maggie is just that terrifying. As Matt and Kimberly retire away from the clanking of mallets, Rose corners Anna Lisa and tells her that whoever the Mysterious Man is, she learnt on their date that his security are FOR REAL. How? Did they shoot up a crab or something?

So Kimberly and Matt take their cocktails to a patio table and talk for about 20 seconds about how Matt likes sport and how Kimberly doesn’t like sport and how they could just sit and talk about liking and not liking sport forever, before the show gets aggressively dumb again (HOORAY) and the Men In Black speed up at 70 miles per hour in the black SUVs and grab Matt by the elbow and start talking out of the corners of their mouths all “THE KINGFISHER IS IN THE CONSERVATORY! ABORT! ABORT!”. Matt sprints off to the jeeps with them, leaving all the women to be blown up by terrorists. What a gent. All the women stand around looking baffled and Chelsea, bless her, starts babbling about how some sort of secret mafia are plotting to take over the world. You can tell she’s hoping this is about to morph into a very different kind of improv-reality show, where she gets to fire weapons.

Bereft of instruction, the women all run away to their bedrooms in case World War 4 is about start. MegHan interviews that this “security incident” really made all the women think that this guy really is Prince Harry. Jesus, is there literally anything that DOESN’T make you think that, no matter how tenuously? “He clearly dresses to the left, and that makes me think it REALLY COULD BE PRINCE HARRY”. “He’s wearing green today you guys, IT REALLY COULD BE HIM!”. “OH MY GOD, THE SUN ROSE, THAT MEANS HE’S DEFINITELY PRINCE HARRY!”. Back in the bedrooms meanwhile, MegHan tries to play it cool to the other girls, saying she thinks he’s probably just some duke or lord or something like that. Yeah, MegHan’s not TOTALLY dumb you guys. Come on. He’s probably just a viscount, don’t wet yourselves or anything.

The next day (probably) (who knows?) Kingsley enters the main corridor of the “castle” with Rose dressed as cos-play Kate Middleton. She’s putting the RUMP in FRUMP, for sure. He tells all the assembled women that today they will be playing cricket. Chelsea, as usual, looks confused. Andrea on the other hand is thrilled, because cricket is SPORT and Andrea is ONE SPORTY CHICK. This is HER TIME TO SHINE. However, there’s a TWIST. Only 8 of the women will get to play cricket. The other 3 will stand at the side making tea and sandwiches for everyone else. And the identity those three will be decided by Rose, as Queen For The Day. Rose, in a bid to be magnanimous says that she’ll happily make the tea, and she’s selected Karina and Andrea to help her. Of course this is THIS SHOW, so literally everyone is pissed off at Rose just for the sake of it. All the women who have been selected to play cricket act like they totally would have preferred to spend all day in a pinny spreading margarine (MegHan in particularly squeaks angirly that this is a PLOT to put all the CUTE GIRLS LIKE WHAT SHE AND ANNA LISA ARE in UGLY CRICKET OUTFITS), and Karina and Andrea both stare angrily into the distance at not getting to be centre stage. I’d feel sorry for Rose but…it’s ROSE, you know? She interviews that she chose Karina and Andrea to help her because they’re the only women who like her. Woo.

So all the women stomp out to play cricket wearing tiny skirts and no padding, closely followed by Andrea, Karina and Rose in summer-skirts and pinnies and high-heels. Andrea, self-identifying rapidly as “sporty” and “competitive” is *fuming*, saying that given that so far her amazing personality and ravishing looks and obvious lesbianism hasn’t registered on this show’s Richter Scale, then MAYBE HER PROBABLY AMAZING SKILLS AT CRICKET COULD HAVE DONE IT, BUT OH NO, HERE SHE IS SERVING TEA “LIKE A PIONEER LADY”, THANKS A LOT ROSE! Well…this is what you get for being friends with Rose Andrea, I’m sorry. Matt is driven up in, dressed in really ugly salad-cream coloured cricket “whites” and sunglasses and interviews that he’s actually really interested in “sporty active girls” and plays a lot of cricket in his spare time (DIRT. POOR. LIVES. IN. A. DITCH. DOESN’T. EVEN. DRIVE). He asks all the women if they know how to play cricket, and of course they don’t. Nobody does really. The women take to the field and of course they all bowl under-arm with their elbows and hold the racquets one-handed and tee-hee aren’t girls silly?

Off at the side, with a giant dead fish and a shaved cucumber, Andrea is going slowly insane. She’s slicing bread whilst Rose is making innuendo about smearing butter all over her hot body and whatever, and Karina’s being boring and nasal no doubt, and a little old lady who looks like a cross between my school Biology teacher and Skinner from Ratatouille is marshalling them all dressed in chef white and constantly barking orders. I’d question why they need a chef to teach them how to make sandwiches but…I’ll buy it. Andrea transparently wants to play cricket harder than any human being has ever wanted anything at this point, viewing it as her path to Prince Harry’s crown jewels and salvation. She melts in the sun, muttering insanely about stupid bitches in their baby-skirts who CAN’T EVEN THROW STRAIGHT. Meanwhile, Kimberly hits the ball once and so she’s the best at cricket, hooray.

This decided, Matt stamps over to the tea-tent and puts the moves on Karina by asking her if she tans. She says that she does, because she’s half Mexican and half Irish. Ok… Maybe she just tans on one side. Excited by this exotic combination, Matt asks Karina if she’d like to take a walk with him. Andrea I think probably had to be restrained by the tiny little lady chef at this point. As they walk, he asks her for some fun facts about her, and she tells him that she’s travelled extensively and spent a year in Spain for her degree. Matt asks her how her Spanish speaking is and she’s HALF MEXICAN YOU DIMWIT, HOW DO YOU THINK IT IS? Karina of course reels off some Spanish (I think she says that she learnt Spanish from her mother, but my Spanish is limited to one term of interminable readings of Don Quixote so…) and Matt acts impressed. Karina interviews that she really thinks being bilingual made her stand out. Well it’s more than I know about Jacqueline so far so…maybe?

Without Karina there to distract Andrea with her beauty, the tea is finished, and ready to be served. As if things can’t get worse for Andrea, it’s revealed that she, Rose and Karina will be eating apart from everyone else, on a picnic table off to the side. She takes what little sanity she has left, hitches up her skirts, and marches up to Matt, grunting out “I REALLY WANTED TO PLAY CRICKET”, spraying sandwich crumbs and salmon bones everywhere as she does so. Poor Andrea. So thwarted. Matt’s all “well I wanted to see you out of your comfort zone so really you should have made the best of it whatever bye”. LOL ok…

After Matt’s eaten two sandwiches, he realises that nobody really knows who Jacqueline is yet, so he should probably “take her off for a talk”. It turns out that Jacqueline is a “wild child” and also both of her parents were “wild child”s but she has a put-upon little sister who has to clean up after all their messes and do their accounts and constantly bail them out of jail. Yeah, I’m betting that little sister had a field day when she found out that Jacqueline had slipped the net to do this mess. Jacqueline interviews that she finds it really easy to talk to Matt and she finds herself wanting to tell him everything, like what her tattoos mean and why her left leg does that, but she has to REMEMBER SHE’S A LADY so she can’t. Matt meanwhile interviews that Jacqueline seems kind of shallow and awful.

Matt at this point wanders off to…do whatever, re-dye his chest hairs probably, and Kingsley calls all the ladies over and tells them that tonight there will be a formal dinner, and at the end of it, one of them will be going home, and one of them will be replacing Rose in the Early Morning Perve-O-Suite. Also there will be a massive cat-fight HOORAY. It is past time that these women stopped reserving their hatred just for Rose’s phony act and started getting real about the manifest failings of every single other member of the cast.

Suddenly, the sun flies across the sky, Kingsley strikes a gong, and it’s dinner time. Why are people literally ALWAYS eating on this programme? It’s making me hungry. Everyone walks into the dining room in full evening wear to discover gold everywhere and 17 different types of cutlery. That will no doubt be used to eat soup then pizza. Rather sweetly, Anna Lisa sits next to Drunk Maggie and tells her what every single one is for, like Drunk Maggie won’t chiefly be absorbing most of her soup with her hair then licking it off. Matt enters, and has an adorable panic in interview that he might suddenly forget all his etiquette lessons and reveal that he ISN’T PRINCE HARRY AT ALL. I guarantee you Prince Harry licks the plate clean Matt, don’t sweat it.

The food is served, and it turns out to be a great big platter of sea-food. Drunk Maggie doesn’t recognise anything, because I imagine Drunk Maggie mostly eats directly out of the packet, and starts noisily honking “WHAT’S THIS? IS IT A SEA URCHIN? HOW DO I EAT IT? IS IT STILL ALIVE?” at the rest of the table. You can tell that Anna Lisa is already regretting her seating choices. Under the watchful eye of “Prince Harry” though, Drunk Maggie decides that she has to go for it and try everything, because otherwise she’ll look unsophisticated. Attagirl. You will be unsurprised to learn that Drunk Maggie’s tactic to get through this unusual dinner of PRAWNS N SHIT is to swallow something, then pull a face, then wash it down with a QUEEN-SIZED GLASS OF WINE to stop herself throwing up. Every time. She interviews merrily that she was constantly on the verge of throwing up the whole time. She doesn’t clarify whether that’s because of the food or the booze. Probably both.

As Drunk Maggie is clearly on the verge of burying the whole table under a tidal wave of regurgitated prawn-shells and pinot grigo, Kingley sidles in to tell Matt that it’s time to decide who is in “sort-of-danger-sort-of-not” so he doesn’t get caught in the splashback. Kelley interviews that she’s learnt that every time Kingsley appears, he’s always got bad news. How quickly she forgets that she almost french’d him when he told her that little ol’ her was going to a MASKEERADE BALL. Ungrateful wench. Up for discussion are Rose (still lovely apparently), Jacqueline (transparently a money-grubbing skank), Andrea (“aloof”), and Kimberly (“mischievous”). Poor Karina. She learnt an entire language and she’s still not even up for consideration for the Peek-A-Boo Suite.

Back at the table, Andrea is checking her make-up out in the reflection from a steak knife (classy bird) and then decides to whisper-shout “I LOVE YOU” to the entire table, but particularly MegHan. OK then. Sadly she’s clearly going home, as she’s up for elimination with Kimberly, who is the only girl who hit that cricket ball even once. They’re both taken away, but with a quarter of the episode still to go, clearly something is up. Anna Lisa noisiliy chirrups that she’s got no idea who’s going home because clearly he found both girls “intriguing” (oh please he spent the whole episode trying to drive Andrea into a nervous breakdown). Then Jacqueline and Drunk Maggie startsbawling with tears IN UNISON about how Kimberly is their girl and they love her and oh this is awful, please let Kimberly stay. Drunk Maggie in particular is utterly blasted. Karina, desperate for conversation and sat on the other side of a rapidly deflating Drunk Maggie from Anna Lisa, asks the rest of the table what sort of woman they think the Mysterious Man is looking for. Drunk Maggie then absolutely *belches* out the following :

“I PERSHONALLY THINKSH HE WANTSH THE PERFECT LITTLE *pause* *pause* *head in hands* I THINKSH HE WANTSH A PERFECT LITTLE COMINBINASHUN OF LIKE BAD GIRL HE CAN HAVES FUN WITH BUT THE GOOD GIRL HE CAN TAKE HOME TUH GRANDMA!”

MegHan cackles that she’s surprised that Drunk Maggie even got to the end of that sentence succesfully (she did?). Dr Carley (remember her?) asks Drunk Maggie how much she’s had to drink and Drunk Maggie slurs, flapping her wine-glass around, that she doesn’t think SHE DRINKSH A LOT, SHE JUSHT DRINKS ENOUGH. MegHan bitchterviews that even Stevie Wonder can see that Drunk Maggie is a big old alcoholic mess. Everyone gets up to leave and Drunk Maggie bellows that JUSHT BECAUSE SHE’SH SHED ONE DUMB THING IT DUSN’T MEAN EVERYONE GETSH TO ACT LIKE SHE’S SOME KINDA LUSH! Anna Lisa, clearly fatigued from a whole evening of this, tells Drunk Maggie that it wasn’t just one dumb comment, and that she clearly doesn’t have any sort of idea of her own alcohol tolerance and it’s getting old. MegHan swoops in to tell Drunk Maggie that she needed to eat more food and drink less wine and they tried to stop her but OH WELL. Seriously, I can believe on some level that Anna Lisa has Drunk Maggie’s best interests somewhat at heart, but MegHan is straight-up trolling her. Drunk Maggie then elbows MegHan in the back (hard) as she shoves past her and yells “WHATEVER” and “SHUT UP!” and other greatest hits of the “I’m so drunk these are the only words and phrases I remember” repertoire. Kelley then tops the whole scene off hilariously by interviewing that Drunk Maggie is clearly in denial about her alcoholism and that’s fine for day to day life, but not when you’re TRYING TO WOO PRINCE HARRY. I think Kelley might have some family…

Of course, because MegHan and Anna Lisa are the sort of people they are, they’ve chased Drunk Maggie all the way up the “castle” to outside Matt’s bedroom, where Drunk Maggie, in floods of tears, five seconds away from needing to have a sit-down on the floor, yells at them that OK SHE ENJOYS A COCKTAIL AND SHE MAKES MISTAKES JUST LIKE EVERYONE ELSE BUT SHE IS NOT! DRUNK! I like the idea that Drunk Maggie is only just getting started, and that this is about 0.1 of her full potential. MegHan, well aware of what arsehole move she can pull at any given time for maximum effect, passively aggressively tells Drunk Maggie not to worry, and that nobody hates her for being a drunken mess.

At this point, worn down to her very nub, Drunk Maggie runs off to Jacqueline of all people, who delivers a solid life lesson in the form of the following reminder.

“You’re not here drinking with your girls. You’re not here drinking with your mom (!). You’re here drinking with your COMPETITION!”

Sage words, but Drunk Maggie is inconsolable. Her mascara’s running so hard it’s reached all the way down to her boobs and beyond. She’s done. There is only one thing for Jacqueline to do for her best pal and drinking buddy Drunk Maggie. She runs to MegHan and Anna Lisa’s bedroom, draws in her breath, and tells them that they are both MEAN GIRLS! AND BEING A MEAN GIRL IS NOT! COOL! DRINKING IS DRUNK MAGGIE’S WAY OF EXCAPE AND THEY NEED TO RESPECT THAT ABOUT HER! MegHan protests that she is NOT a Mean Girl and that Jacqueline needs to go have a Kumbaya Moment with herself and that is where this episode is finished. Somewhere in this mess.

Oh yeah, somewhere in there Andrea got eliminated and Kimberly ran around the Crown Suite giggling about how it smells like peppermint but…who cares about that? We’ve got a WAR ON.

Next week : twerking. Oy.

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