I guess I just missed The Spachelor that much.
Breaking News : 12 American women have come to London, England with the promise of finding love with a handsome and successful man. Little do they know they will be forced to sleep 6 to a room, and filmed degrading themselves sexually, physically and emotionally 24 hours a day for cameras that will be recording everything. You say “human trafficking”, I say the Fox Network. BUT WAIT! THERE’S MORE! Just watching women make idiots of themselves competing for the hand in almost-marriage of a guy who radiates “wife-beater” vibes stronger than the crowd at a Dapper Laughs gig isn’t enough any more. Fox has scoured the UK for a guy that looks really really really really like a member of the Royal Family (seriously, they did a full-on Terminator scan of his face complete with flashing laser lights and glowing LED displays and found a 99% (99%!) resemblance) (SCIENCE!), the idea being that all the dumb American women will think they’re going to become a princess if they win. BUT THEY WON’T. The only prize on offer is the opportunity to show Hollywood casting agents your “distraught”, “confused” and “betrayed” faces for about 3 minutes, before you get chucked in the bin alongside people who didn’t quite make it on The Real World : Minnesota.
Well this seems worth three months of anybody’s time doesn’t it?
The women are arriving at a “castle” (ie a big house) and screaming about how exciting it’s going to be to live in a “castle” (/a big house). Rest assured they have all been chosen based on their ability to believe in fairy tales, want to be a princess, and also to never ever ever question anything so long as there’s a promise of a tv appearance at the end of it. One poor woman, who has turned up wearing pink booty shorts, says that she’s never been in love in her entire life, so she’s hoping that this is where it’ll start! God…imagine if it were. How embarrassing. Although if she really wanted to get proactive about hunting down the Prince Charming she professes to want, she might want to start with learning how to get out of a car without giving herself a camel-toe so epic you can practically see all the way up to the humps. Once they’re all inside the registry offi…I mean “castle”, a brunette excitedly pants that she thinks the guy they’re competing for is BRITISH! In London? Not likely [/farage]. Some laconic blonde in a black velvet tube-top is all “duh” and she’s automatically my favourite. Everyone debates noisily what sort of British this mystery guy is (a royal? a diplomat? a spy? a roguish antiques expert with an eye for fast cars, fine wines, and expensive ladies?) as we jump to…
…the sort of British guy he is, which is dirt poor (/living in a flat full of Apple gadgets I could never afford) and “looking for love”. His name is Matt. He tells us all sadly that he’s too poor even to buy a car! His job isn’t to start up charities, fly Apache helicopters and party nude in Vegas. It’s to clean up oil spills! This fact is accompanied by a shot of Matt daintily descending into a ditch dressed like the Construction Worker from The Village People and tapping disinterestedly about with the back of a spade. What a good-hearted horny handed son of toil! He’s also actually pretty good at seeming genuinely guilty about the giant crock of shite he’s about to become the public face of. He awkwardly, like Hugh Grant circa 1995, says that despite what it might look like, he’s genuinely here to get a blow-job at the wrap par…I mean fall in love. With a human woman. And to do it, he’s going to pretend to be Prince Harry! For some reason! Possibly to do with how if the woman really fell in love with him she wouldn’t care that he spent the last 2 months pathologically lying to her, but don’t think about it too much or your head will hurt until you destroy feminism. It’s here that the show plunges head-first into the first of its many logical contradictions, which is that we’re expected to believe that Prince Harry is the sexiest motherfucker ever to be fourth in line to the throne, but also that a 23 year old guy who looks 99% like him can’t get laid.
Whatever, to help Matt’s quest for vag, Fox have laid on a “castle”, a “security detail”, a helicopter, a makeover (yes, he’s not a natural redhead, and is going to do the show in Gingerface) and 8 servants. Naturally heading up these servants is a butler, because every US dating reality show has to have a British butler, all called things that no actual British person is called any more, like Giles or Jeeves or Benedict Cumberbatch. This one is called Kingsley. His job is to teach Matt all about the guy he’s about to pretend to be, so he doesn’t get tripped up. Again, don’t think too much about the fact that all these women are going to not know enough about Prince Harry to think this guy looks like him, but ALSO going to be such Prince Harry experts that they’re going to catch him out on who his second cousin once removed is. Anyway, what follows is an hilarious sequence where Matt is taken through an exam of really really easy questions about Prince Harry that everyone knows like “what is your name?”, “what colour is your hair?” and “who is your fathe…never mind. The point is that Matt greets all of these questions like he’s passing a kidney stone.
From here Kinglsey takes Matt through all the life-skills he will need to learn to be a convincing Prince Harry. Fencing, shooting, horse-riding, dressing up as a Nazi… Needless to say Matt is adorable at all times, squealing about how his BUM HURTS and he’s got a FRONT WEDGIE tee hee. At the end of this 3 minute process apparently he is completely finished, and can now fool some dumb ho’s into falling in love with him. WOO HOO! GO TEAM MATT!
Back at the “castle”, the women’s speculation has apparently reached the stage such that they are now convinced that the Mysterious Man will only have sex with American women, and that’s why only Yankee women have been summoned to the “castle”. That is a…niche fetish/personality disorder they’ve created in their heads there. I would love right now for a giant tour bus of sexy (drunk) Mexicans to pull up in bikinis but no. The first woman we are introduced to by name is Maggie, who is “24” and to be honest you can smell the alcohol fumes coming off her already. She looks like she’s fallen off the back of the Rock Of Love bus and just gone with it. She tells us that all she knows that she’s going to be competing with 11 other women for one guy. Although I’m guessing for her for most of the show it’ll look like there’s two of him. She’s very excited by the idea that he might actually own this “castle” that they’re all going to be sleeping in. I don’t think Maggie has watched tv before. That’s not how it works love. Even X Factor viewers worked that out years ago.
Next up is Leah, 24, who is the sardonic blonde from earlier who I adored. She’s still kind of “whatever” about the whole thing, and clearly mentally planning the bit where they all get to go to Paris in 4 weeks time. She tells us that she normally dates drug-addled drummers in seedy dive bar bands so this is a bit unusual and uncomfortable for her. She announces to the room that she just quit her job as a cocktail waitress because gross old men kept on trying to get her to have threesomes with their bicurious wives, so really she’s just here to fill a gap in her CV. Drunk Maggie gasps so wide everything almost falls out. SCANDALOUS! Third to be identified is Karina who believes in true love and monogamy and has a really nasal voice and is a physical therapist and is wearing a doily and is super boring so let’s move on. Someone asks her how old she is and she says she’s 25, and a brunette claps her hands noisily and yells “OH GOOD, ANOTHER OLDIE!”. I’m making space for her in my spreadsheet already. Her name is Meghan. With a H. So you KNOW she’s a bitch. Finally someone who looks a bit like Ke$ha but if she’d made better life choices and who is wearing a Barbie Pink nose ring says that she’s a pre-med with a “special interest in molleclar barlagy”. Sure you are hun. *pats head*
At this point, Matt is climbing into a helicopter and telling us all that it’s really hard for him when girls initially think he’s Prince Harry and then they realise he isn’t in fact Prince Harry. Well…I’d get ready for it to get really hard for you? I guess? Given that that’s…the premise of the show? Whatever, he’s got a cute arse and this show is dumb. He tells us that this is going to be a chance to meet the sort of women he’d never normally meet. And that’d be a state of affairs you’d want to end why?
As Matt wings his way across the English countryside, the 12 women who will shortly be competing to awkwardly grope him in the back of a rented limousine settle down for afternoon tea outside. Truly befitting of a banquet being provided by the British royal family, it looks like the aftermath of a catered buffet at a mid-tier English redbrick university. 3 crustless cucumber sandwiches and some dented macaroons. Of course these women are American so they don’t know any better. Pink Booty Shorts yells that there’s LITTLE CAKES AND EVERYTHING! Mostly…just little cakes but ok. Her name is Kelley and she is 24 and she has a wide face and is very much “from the south”. It’s Kelley with an extra e, so you KNOW she’s naive and talks to her horse a lot. Next to be formally introduced is Kimberly who is a fresh-faced 23 and comes from Long Island where they don’t have afternoon tea – they just eat hot dogs and beer and roaches and despair. Drunk Maggie meanwhile hoots that her version of afternoon tea is HAPPY HOUR TEQUILLA SLAMMERS WOOT WOOT HA HA. I’m already planning her intervention. For other people to carry out. Next off the conveyor belt is Token Black Contestant Chelsea who announces loudly to the table that she wants curly fries really badly, then interviews that she’s OFF HER ROCKER. You know, if you want her to be, in the “just enough episodes that Matt doesn’t look racist” she’s going to inevitably last. Can’t wait.
7 intros in and we’re clearly getting too much personal insight into these girls so…BACK TO MATT! To herald his arrival men in black suits scuttle around conspicuously around the lawn, all wearing black sunglasses. Kelley squeaks “SOMETHING’S HAPPENING” with an excitement I think we can all match. PLOT! THERE’S GOING TO BE PLOT! AND SOON! Chelsea waves her fork around like she thinks she might actually have to use it to shank one of the Berks In Black currently trampling the begonias. Leah meanwhile interviews that she was enjoying her tiny cakes and tea and then all these idiots ruined it (<3). Anyway, the helicopter descends and all the women scream like halfwits and Drunk Maggie yells “I NEED WINE” and Matt emerges from the helicopter and then gets, like, wrapped in a picnic blanket and whisked down a trapdoor or something. So so dumb. Of course, from 50 metres away, without the benefit of binoculars, one of the anonymous women whispers loudly “THAT’S PRINCE HARRY!” and if you remotely believed the premise of the show after that moment, then you are even dumber than these people are for getting involved in it I have to tell you. What are these women supposed to have PrinceHarrydar or something? Come on. Drunk Maggie yells “HE’S WEARING KHAKIS! THAT’S SO CUTE! I LOVE HIM ALREADY!”.
Oh Drunk Maggie.
Leah says that it’s possible that this guy might be Prince Harry, she guesses *shrug* now when’s she getting that trip to Paris then? Some new woman called Jacqueline (another “oldie” at 25) says it probably isn’t though. As a side-note there are too many boring brunette women. Please eliminate three. Speaking of which, New York Kimberly thinks that it have been Prince Harry, because the only people who have Secret Service are the Royal Family, the President, and Michael Jackson. I think Michael Jackson might be more plausible to be honest. The most important news is that one of these poor women has now upgraded the “castle” to a “palace”. Not even. Meanwhile Kingsley sneaks Matt in via the back entrance, just like you would an actual member of the Royal Family. Nobody really questions why Matt is “sneaking” about conspicuously in view of the major film crew but…so it goes. Matt tells Kinglsey that he’s really excited and nervous (his sweat patches really could have said that for him on their own) but he’s not sure what the women look like because he was too far away. Of course THEY could instantly tell YOU were Prince Harry *strokes world’s largest beard* (If any of these women actually think this guy is Prince Harry and aren’t just pretending that because the producers have told them there’s a potential muffing in it for them if they do, I will buy you all a steak dinner)
Anyway, Kingsley descends from here to the dining room, where the women are eating dinner. This show’s sense of time is already so fucked. Don’t expect me to believe these women eat more than once a day, show. Chelsea yells “HI KINGSLEY!” loudly, because she’s enjoying herself bless her. Kingsley tells them all that tonight they are going to meet the Mystery Man for the first time at a MASQUERADE BALL! IN THE GARDEN! Boring Nasal Karina is really excited by this, as you’d expect she would be. Leah meanwhile is more excited by the fact that the prize for being most impressive at the Masquerade Ball is that she would get to spend the night in the Crown Suite. COOL! SHE GETS TO SLEEP IN A BED! No doing it in a sleeping bag in the back of a Ford Torino that stinks of weed for Leah tonight! At this point we get introduced to Rose who is 22 and a kindergarten teacher, and even by this shows lacklustre standards, a bad bad actress. She basically comes across like a d-list Saturday Night Live comedienne doing a bad Jayma Mays impersonation. She obnoxiously crosses her fingers like she’s got arthritis and screws up her face and…there’s a whole episode of her to come, so let’s go slow.
Anyway Kingsley tells them that also one of them will be eliminated and Chelsea pulls a SAD FACE. Being eliminated IS SAD. You don’t even get the prize of SLEEPING IN A BED!
Next up, the revelation that “Sir” has bought all the girls presents, which are waiting for them in their sleeping quarters. Drunk Maggie yells that IT’S ALL ADDING UP NOW! WHY IS KINGSLEY CALLING THE MYSTERY MAN SIR UNLESS IT’S PRINCE HARRY?!?!?! (Like I said, a full steak dinner). All the women run off squealing and discover that their “presents” are in fact party dresses that fell off the back of a sale at River Island. At least this means that Kelley finally gets out of her denim booty shorts (although I don’t know why I’m singling poor sweet wide-faced Kelley out – half the women are wearing them). In the middle of this crowd of models and actors and model/actor/nutritionists (that one’s Jacqueline) Leah sadly mopes around sadly talking about how she has no nice clothes. Well nice clothes that don’t have semen stains on them. Damn musicians. As if to show how the other half live, MegHan then interviews that all of her boyfriends have spoilt her rotten, she knows how to cook, she knows how to clean, and she looks bangin’ in a bikini. Hey, I imagine Leah can operate a microwave well enough, leave her alone. Long Island Kimberly sighs that no guy has ever bought her a dress before, and MegHan squeals “REALLY?” like she might as well be announcing she’s still a virgin.
Meanwhile Matt strips sadly for Kingsley in a side-room as Kinglsey tells him that they’re a feisty bunch of females and no mistake Sir and various other pretend posh Britishisms. Matt sadly says that he’s already worried he’s going to let something slip that will reveal he’s not Prince Harry. Don’t worry Matt, I’m sure if you do, the producers will edit it out then taze the women back into submission. Kingsley warns him not to drink too much alcohol tonight, lest he get drunk and “give the game away” one episode in. So I would suggest not breathing in any air Drunk Maggie has just breathed out then.
Next to be introduced is Anna Lisa, who is like every cheerleader you’ve ever imagined sticking pins into. She tells us that her occupation is “Miss LA”. You know I was considering that as a career, but the pension plan is crap. She’s 23, so not yet ready for the mausoleum. She gabbles inanely to the other women about what a hilarious bitch she is, but she talks so fast that you can tell nobody really understands a word she says. She might as well be talking about biscuits. In confession she says that she’s going to MAKE ALL THE OTHER WOMEN HER BRIDESMAIDS! What a threat. Unsurprisingly Anna Lisa is already best friends with MegHan. Now they only need a third wheel, and we can all start calling them the Plastics.
Meanwhile in the bedroom of the non evil women, Drunk Maggie is running round yelling “I NEED JEWELLERY” and Leah is bashing into the walls with head, arms and torso all somehow wedged into the same 4 square inches of dress. She interviews that all these women are wearing make-up and doing their hair and have fake boobs and she’s just so lost with how to compete given that she doesn’t even know what bronzer is. (I will explain here that this is because Leah could go into a bar wearing no make-up and a black t she’s been wearing for a month and still get laid, so she doesn’t need this stuff. She’s my hero.) Rose twitters around her with her cartoon bluebirds trying to help, whilst MegHan smugly pouts at the side that if SHE dressed like Leah does then SHE would look like an imbecile. I’m not sure who that’s an insult on to be honest. Rose then tells us all that she may be a kindergarten teacher but…SHE’S A SUPER SLUTTY ONE TEE HEE! She goes on to say that she teaches her kids wearing demure clothes but underneath them she’s wearing NAUGHTY UNDIES and I reflexively feel like calling Operation Yewtree. Jacquleine pops back up at this point. Still boring.
MASQUERADE BALL TIME!
It’s kind of hard to describe the overall spectacle of the Masquerade Ball. OK, no it isn’t, everyone’s wearing masks and there’s, like, two fire-eaters, and someone’s thrown a whole bunch of Christmas lights in the rose bushes. The end. Matt wanders out and gawps and gasps and wonders aloud about how a poor humble boy like him ended up at a MASQUERADE BALL. Thank Rupert Murdoch Matt. He’s like the Father Christmas of idiotic famewhores. As is customary on these dating shows, this is the point where the women are paraded past the Mysterious Man. For reasons of time-keeping and because none of these women are interesting enough on their own to carry a narrative, it’s being done in pairs.
First to walk the walk are Drunk Maggie and the Professor of Molleclar Barlagy, who is called Carley. With an E. So you KNOW that degree’s off the Internet. I guess it is best for everyone’s safety that Drunk Maggie be allowed to get to the free bar first. Dr Carley hopes that her brain will make her stand out as someone who should go far on this show. What was I saying about Internal Logical Contradictions? Miss LA Anna Lisa and Booty Shorts Kelley walk the carpet next. Kelley squeals “OOH THERE’S FIRE!” as she does so. Fire, little cakes…I’m guessing there’s not a lot to do in Mobile, Alabama. She kiss-kisses Matt and says hello and then interviews “OH MY GOD HE’S GOT A BRITISH ACCENT…IT REALLY IS PRINCE HARRY!”.
MegHan and Long Island Kimberly follow in third place and MegHan stomps the carpet out like a catwalk model and gives Matt a confident kiss-kiss, whilst Kimberly scuttles behind holding her dress up screaming at the fire. This really is turning out to be quite the unexpected personality test. MegHan interviews that she reads a lot of trashy celebrity gossip magazines (no shit) and she doesn’t think this guy is Prince Harry. But she’d like to believe it is. If you’d be so kind as to pay her enough to do so. Leah and Nasal Karina are next, and as Matt pecks Leah on the cheek, we cut to her interviewing that she’s not used to guys being so formal. Normally they just get her rat-arsed and stick their tongues down her throat and other orifices. I’m so ready for The Bachelorette spin-off of this show starring Leah and featuring many gang-bangs on pool tables. Anyway, at this point the editors got bored and out come all at once Token Chelsea, Perky Slutty Pre-K Rose, Anonymous Brunette Jacqueline and our final cast member Andrea (who?). She’s another Anonymous Brunette who has been unlucky in love and the most romantic date she ever went on is to the casino and blah blah too many brunettes in this hen-house.
If you’ve lost track of the names, don’t worry, so has Matt. Kingsley tells him not to worry, because for legal reasons he’s not going to be able to tell them his own “name” anyway. Because then they’d get arrested for treason and poor Matt’s Quest For Love would end up with a beheading in the TOWER OF LONDON.
What? I just thought I’d add some fake jeopardy. It’s more than the producers are bothering to do.
Matt wanders over to where all the women are currently sat on a collection of sad looking lawn furniture and gold pleather sofas (so glam), and when he arrives, Drunk Maggie yells “WHAT’S YOUR NAME (PRINCE HARRY)?”. Matt pulls an awkward Mr Bean face and says “that’s for me to know and for you to find out”. So suave. Rose then asks him what they should call him and Matt replies “anything you like for now!”. Matt explains that he’s hoping that he’s coming across as mysterious. You know, rather than evasive and weird. He says that all the women are very “vivacious”, which is illustrated by a shot of Rose yelling “GURRRRRRRRRRRLLLLLLLLS!” and pulling about 50 faces that Jim Carrey would have rejected from The Mask for being too cartoonish. Anna Lisa honks that she’ll call Matt “master” and then everyone cackles like they’ve just cracked open 50 Shades Darker for Book Group.
Naturally, as this is a “Get To Know You” function, the questions for Matt come thick and fast. The girls ask him about what his favourite sport is, where his family live, what sort of house he lives in, whether his brother is prematurely balding at a terrifying rate… Matt of course deftly bats away these questions like Tippi Hedren getting twatted in the face by a low-flying pigeon in The Birds, saying “WOULDN’T YOU LIKE TO KNOW?” and “AH, WE’LL SEE!” at a rate of knots. What a great first challenge this is. Clearly desperate to rescue Matt from his own lack of improv skills, the producers call an audible, and have him do some “ballroom dancing” on the red carpet with a selection of the women. Anna Lisa is first, and as a pageant queen, obviously acquits herself well. Karina follows and whines “YOU LOOK LIKE PRINCE HARRY!” about 5 seconds in. Matt, already struggling for things to say, sheepishly grins that nobody’s ever said that to him before. Good grief, I know this on Fox but…
At this point, a small clatch of Drunk Maggie, Dr Carley, Naughty Rose, MegHan, and Anna Lisa has formed at the side of the “dancefloor” to stage-whisper really loudly that they THINK THIS GUY MIGHT BE PRINCE HARRY YOU GUYS. (NO, REALLY?) Matt acts bashfully pleased that his cunning ruse of getting the producers to put it in these girls contracts that they have to pretend he’s Prince Harry or they won’t get paid is really paying off. Once Karina has been put to one side, Matt saunters over to bask in his own success. Anna Lisa tells him that she really loves his accent, and then Matt beams that he’s glad to hear that it’s true what they say about American women loving British accents. Rose then giggles “naughtily” that his accent is really turning her on. Rose is so embarrassingly bad at pretending to be an actual human being. So embarrassingly bad that Matt recognises her as being reality tv gold and drags her off into the bushes for a “private conversation”. IN EPISODE 1. Rose squeals that she’s going to PEE HER PANTS then pretends to be about to topple over so that Matt can catch her, squealing about how he is her KNIGHT IN SHINING ARMOUR! All this is so fakey she might as well have brought her own cue cards with her.
Sadly the “private conversation” does actually turn out to be a private conversation, as Rose tells Matt AT LENGTH all about how her dating life sucks, at MAXIMUM VOLUME, until Matt tells her to quieten it down because she’s ruining the sound levels (/she’s being SO AMERICAN ha ha ha charming charming) and Rose then SCREAMS that he works with DEAF AND HARD OF HEARING CHILDREN. Or at least they are when she’s finished with them. Matt then interviews, as Rose gabbles on like they’re having a date in a wind-tunnel, that based on his experiences so far (mostly of Rose) that American women are all loud drunken clumsy brash sluts. Such a gentleman. We cut back to him telling Rose that English girls are very different to the way he’s seeing the American women behaving. I imagine most English girls aren’t working on the proviso that they have to be “mad” for tv otherwise they only get one episode’s worth of stipend. Or at least they aren’t in my life. Done with her, Matt directs Kingsley to take Rose back to the other women. Rose falls all over Kingsley embarrassingly as he does so.
Matt returns to the party, and next to the dance-floor is Leah. He interviews that Leah looks so beautiful and elegant that she really stands out. Leah then is hauled around the dance-floor like a great big wet sack o’shite, harpooning Matt’s toes with her heels as she does so. You can tell she’d rather be dancing to Rage Against The Machine. After a few awkward spins, Leah tells Matt that she’s crap at this and bored so he should probably dance with somebody else, then sprints off to grab a cocktail. My queen. There then follows a short segment revolving around the cocktail bar featuring Drunk Maggie drinking a lot of cocktails and all the other girls sitting around talking about what a drunk Drunk Maggie is. Never say this show doesn’t do in-depth character profiles. Sitting in a corner, talking to herself more than anybody else, Drunk Maggie yells “MY FAMILY LOVE TO DRINK! I LOVE TO DRINK! I ENJOY IT!”. To this outburst MegHan interviews “some girls in this house are Not Princess Material. Maggie drinks a lot, and that’s not royal”.
I’m guessing she didn’t read a lot about Princess Margaret in those gossip magazines then?
Next to get a solo conversation in the bushes is Kimberly, and she and Matt talk about how awful and annoying the New York accent is. The word “CWORFEE” gets used a lot. Kimberly interviews that actually, upon talking to the Mysterious Rich Man, she’s discovered that he’s more her type than she thought! He tells jokes! He’s cute! He passive-aggressively mocks her heritage! This might be true love! As if to close out this segment on a neg, Matt tells Kimberly that she looks really pretty…in her mask. MegHan, clearly slightly weary at being out of the spotlight, pounces on Matt as he emerges from the bushes and approaches the bar, and quizzes him about what he does for a living. AGAIN, Matt tells her that she’ll just have to wait and find out. Although to be fair, with many members of the royal family, I too am still waiting to find out.
All too soon, the chimes of midnight approach. At this point we see for the first time a GIANT FIBREGLASS MASK that has been plonked in the middle of the garden the whole time. So classy. Apparently this giant dong is the signal that it’s time for everyone to take their masks off and reveal their faces to the world. Matt lines up on one side of the red carpet, with all of the women lined up on the other. Kelley interviews that she’s really nervous because all the other women look like super-models and she doesn’t. The horror. I wouldn’t worry Kelley, given the way Drunk Maggie is swaying and tottering and struggling to operate in all three dimensions at once, I don’t think anyone will be looking at you. The girls unmask, and the STUNNING BEAUTY REVEALED is kind of undermined by the fact that the masks are really cheap and tight and have left massive gouges in their faces underneath the eyes.
Matt of course is left to last, so we can be sure that everyone stage-whispering “OH MY GOD IT’S PRINCE HARRY!” as loudly as possible to their neighbours can be picked up. As soon the mask is off, and everyone’s gassed on for the 50th time this episode about how IT’S DEFINITELY POSSIBLY PROBABLY PRINCE HARRY YOU GUYS, Kingsley then drags Matt off inside to make an important decision about who wins the prize of sleeping in a bed, and who has to leave. On the list for consideration both ways are MegHan (for her confidence), Rose (for her cheekiness), Leah (for her beauty) and Kimberly (for being the only other person Matt spoke to). I love how, because we’re not allowed to reveal who is in the top and who is in the bottom, the elimination mechanic on this show presents all female personality traits as both a potential positive AND a potential negative, based entirely on whim. Just like life!
Kimgsley totters outside and tells Rose and Leah that they are the two up for consideration. I think we all know how I want this to end. Sadly however, the world of reality dating shows is no world for glamorous 7ft tall amazon bar-queens, and Leah is told that she needs to take a walk, because she was too reserved and seemed bored. She shuffles off sadly and interviews that there was just no chemistry between her and *PRINCE HARRY*. Seriously, the post-production adding in of “his” “name” is so so badly and obviously done and it’s hilarious. She’d forgotten who she was supposed to be pretending she thought he was even before she was halfway out the door. Oh Leah. I hope you find the big drunken burly pot-head of your cocktail lounge dreams. In Paris.
Back in reality, Rose gets given the keys to her ROOM WITH A BED IN WHERE SHE WILL SLEEP (alone) and of course she squeals and swears and jumps up and down on the bed, and then runs off to tell all the other girls. She walks in just as they’re talking about what a cool no-bullshit genuine chick Leah was (I know right?) and then Rose pulls lots of stupid gasping asthmatic humble shocked surprised and sweet faces at them, and it’s SO transparently phony that nobody can really summon up any happiness for her. MegHan interviews that Rose is a faking ho and needs to leave immediately. Even thought it’s MegHan, it’s true.
The episode ends with Andrea (who?) saying that Rose is awful and implying that she gave Matt a beej to stay in the competition, and Rose acting really surprised and saddened that all the other women hate her for being a great bit fat phony. I only hope this is a precursor of things to come, as we plunge deeper through this show’s layers and layers and LAYERS of nonsense.