10 things I loved in this episode.
1. Courtney vs Bianca : As we get down to the end-game, it’s clear that the queens have identified who they think the contenders are and who of the remaining are the also-rans. Please note that these men are living in a reality where they don’t have the knowledge that Bianca and Adore have shared 95% of the seasons confessionals between them, so it’s probably a bit less obvious that they’re all playing for 3rd. Courtney made it particularly obvious this week that she sees it as a dog-fight now between her and Bianca, zeroing in on the fact that after Adore getting into the funky way last week they are the last two queens standing who haven’t lip-sync’d. And so the scene was set for an episode where they both tittered about how one-note the other one is and generally sizing one another up for the finale. This series has really lacked the defining rivalry of the last three, so it’ll be interesting to see if in the final straight, things get a little more adversarial.
2. The Art : This week’s mini-challenge was to create a piece of art via twerking. Well, it’s more than Miley’s ever managed. The queens liberally smeared paint on their arses and wiggled along the floor like dogs with worms to a deep RuPaul album cut and hilariously this process was actually a challenge that gave someone an actual advantage for the main challenge. I know. Joslyn’s heart was probably the most traditionally aesthetically appealing, Darienne came up with the best art-themed jokes (“Shaking my MONET-MAKER!” just beating out her telling Ru she was looking at her picture upside-down), Adore’s probably looked the most like a piece of modern art you’d actually see hanging in a gallery, but it was Bianca who picked up the deserved win for coming up with a giant paint cock spunking up a matt-finish sphincter. God bless.
3. Marriage : There’s been a lot of online critique of the main challenge this week, in which men who were due to get married (or, in most cases, renew their vows but SHUSH, MAGIC OF TELEVISION) were given bridalwear drag makeovers, for focusing around marriage and wasting the opportunity to make the marriages in question GLBT ones. You have to wonder how far we’ve come as a community that we can accept two straight people in cross-dress getting married as part of a competition reality show on national television centred around gender-bending, presided over by a world-famous drag queen, with pretty much no mainstream media backlash in the blink of an eye and still crave for more. I guess it would at least have given us the awesome sight of everyone fighting to get the lesbian.
4. The Magical Land Of The Netherlands : What with the usual source of tension in these drag-makeover challenges missing (to whit, the ever oncoming threat of a kai-kai breaking out between a contestant and their “open-minded” straight guy mannequin) we had to fall back on petit homophobia (Joslyn), mouthiness (Adore) and…erm…whether the contestant could stand to shave their beard off or not for their bridal makeover (Ben and yes, yes they could) in order to provide drama. Let’s just say that the producers were probably grateful they had six full sets of wedding vows to take up time to fill the hour. So my favourite moment of workroom “drama” for the whole episode was when Bianca’s guy told us about his magical country of birth – The Netherlands – where everyone is free to live and love however they choose, in their gumdrop houses on Lollipop Lane. He was so evangelical about his homeland that even Bianca’s sassy-ass mouth was struck dumb in response.
5. Honey Bun Delano’s Mug : Let’s get this straight now – what Adore did to her groom was hands down the worst makeover we’ve ever seen on this show ever. He ended up looking like Uncle Fester and Chewbacca had a threesome with one of the T-Birds. For all that Adore spent the entire episode panicking that she couldn’t sew, I’m fairly sure the last thing anyone was looking at on her was anything below the neck. And yet…it kind of worked? Maybe it’s just because everyone else in the episode played it safe, except when they were actively forced not to, but the sheer bad-taste explosion of Adore’s design (even before we touch on the fact that she herself had rocked up like someone going to a Hallowe’en Party as Madonna circa 1992) really made the runway close with a bang. I mean…obviously she deserved to be bottom 2 because that shit was hideous, but…
6. Bianca’s Dress-Making : Courtney can come for Bianca for doing a boat-neck gown AGAIN all she likes, but she was the obvious winner of the challenge from the second her bride took to the runway, especially compared to Courtney’s man-sized butterfly net. It was elegant with a sharp edge, and took the edge off her slightly overpainted face (overpainted to match Bianca’s own frightening fizzog obviously). It’s getting to that point of the competition where we have to ask if there really is anything that Bianca cannot do. Even in her supposedly weak area of dancing and choreography she spent the entirety of the musical theatre challenge having to walk Trinity (an actual bonafide dancer) through everything. She’s never been low with the judges, she’s by far the most popular contestant on the Internet, and she even had to invent criticism of her for material in the stand-up challenge (have we ever seen the judges ask her to be more versatile? Think hard…). I can’t believe coming in that I expected her to be a one-trick pony. How wrong I was.
7 The Goth Couple : Whilst I enjoyed most of the couples on the show, the Goth couple were clearly my favourite. For starters they provided Darienne with yet another minor inconvenience to snarkily inveigle against when they decided they wanted a goth themed bridal outfit made out of an entire room of white taffeta and stick-on butterflies. Secondly it gave us another chance to yell “MICHELLE VISAGE!!!” yet again as someone turned that final runway. Thirdly he described himself in all seriousness as “like Jim Morrison, if Jim Morrison did drag”. Fourthly because they were so bloody into it. In their 3 minutes or so of airtime they managed to namedrop Sharon Needles, Detox, Alexis Mateo, Jynx Monsoon, Roxxy Andrews, and Shangela AND their catchphrases, including in their wedding vows. Fifthly they spent the whole of Untucked reading the contestants like an Internet comments section come to life. Sixthly, he walked down the aisle with a raven on his shoulder and THEN NEIL PATRICK HARRIS SAID THAT HE WASN’T REALLY GETTING GOTHIC FROM IT, thereby extending the streak of guest judges frothing at the gash over Courtney Act and hating Darienne Lake for no good reason. Seventhly, because they met at Wonderland omg how perfect.
8. Joslyn & Adore Taking It To Church : Joining Adore in the Bottom 2 was Joslyn, as we all knew would happen as soon as we saw what this challenge was. Sadly her end didn’t come via 12 white bikinis but by having to make up the face of someone of a different race to her, which has tripped up many a drag queen before her. Joslyn didn’t know what to do bless her, so just spray-painted her silver. I’m surprised she didn’t stick a funnel on her head and have a Wizard Of Oz themed wedding with Michelle Visage as the Wicked Witch Of The West, Adore as a Munchkin and Santino’s arguments about the transgender community as the Straw-Man. Her demure makeover for herself was much more succesful, in that it made her look like a slutty televangelist. So it was only appropriate that she and Adore wound up both trying to take it to church to Aretha Franklin. Neither of them pulled it off with the soul of a Latrice, but it was undeniably fun when Adore yanked her heels off like she was about to perform an adult baptism.
9. Adore’s Mother : This week’s special guest appearance on Untucked was from Adore’s mother. We never did find out if she liked giant cocks though.
10. The Sweetheart Appeal Of Joslyn Fox : I know she’s gone now, but in a last-ditch attempt to persuade you all to vote internationally for Joslyn Fox as RuPaul’s Drag Race Miss Congeniality 2014 I present to you the fact that her “groom” only spoke to her for about 15 seconds at the start of the episode before handing her man over to Joslyn for the rest, and she was STILL ready to go knives on her behalf on Untucked. Joslyn Fox is such a sweetheart that a mere brush with her left this woman a truly venemous stan, cat-calling Adore throughout her lip-sync and scowling her face off when Joslyn was finally asked to sashay away. Joslyn is magic.