Y’all sobered up now? These are 10 things I loved in the last episode.
1. Joslyn Fox Caressing A Cantalopue : I’m sure when Michelle Obama invented her “Let’s Move” campaign to get America fit, active and healthy, what she had in mind as an end-goal was a bunch of men in drag masturbating root vegetables. In a series of fairly random perfunctory mini-challenges this was probably the most bizarre, as the alien-looking fake nails they made everyone where precluded the whole thing from looking sensual right from the off. I don’t want those things anywhere near my junk thank you very much. This challenge also kicked off the episode’s theme of “Laganja gets thrown an utterly meaningless win”.
2. The Breakdown : The overall strength of the plotting this season was shown by the splitting of teams for the main challenge – a fairly basic “shoot a commercial for this product” test. RuPaul was in charge of divvying up the teams of two, so of course it was done for the most drama, with each team of two having its own personal issue to work through. The reason this showed up the strength of this series plotting was that this was even possible. Most other seasons have revolved around either two camps of feuding girls or a singular rivalry. Even Season 4 (another top tier season) couldn’t match this series’ labyrinthine tangle of rivalries and jealousies and friendships and mentorings as in this same challenge they had to resort to “WILLAM IS WHITE AND BRITTLE AND LATRICE IS BLACK AND EARTHY” and…whatever problems they claimed Dida and Chad had to fall out about. As such, I’m going to go into each individual crisis in detail.
3. Courtney vs Joselyn : Joselyn’s Under The Radar edit so far has meant that really we only know two things about her (three if you count her fabulous ass). Firstly that she’s a relentless ray of sunshine and kindness and positivity who was born to win Miss Congeniality just like Akashia was born to give handy-js in the car-park of the Cleveland Quicken Loans Arena. Secondly that she adores Courtney Act and looks up to her as a true megastar of drag. So it was heartbreaking to see her finally get to work with her idol and have said idol be a passive-aggressive bitch to her the entire time. Courtney spent the whole episode developing the theme that she started in the Reading challenge, calling Joslyn her “little sister”, her “before shot” and a low-rent, second-rate, unpolished version of Courtney Act throughout. But…you know…in a funny way! Ha ha? In the end, their styles just didn’t mesh and their commercial was probably the worst of the lot (what happened to the drunk theme? I WANTED MORE DRUNKS! I ALWAYS WANT MORE DRUNKS! I think Joslyn really could have done so much more with drunk stay at home mom drinking pinot grigio in the afternoon) mostly because Courtney doesn’t understand funny and Joslyn doesn’t really understand narrative, but I’m glad they survived, because my brain is currently whirring away at ways that Joslyn could beat Courtney overall, and not of them involves ever having to beat her in a lip-sync.
4. Ben vs Darienne : Darienne’s issue with Ben is obviously the most prominent one at the moment, in that ever since last week she’s been gunning for her because she thinks she’s a big head (an impression Ben didn’t help this week by having an eye-twitching existential meltdown over finding herself in the bottom 3 for the first time), with Ben muttering twittily and weepily about how she thinks Darienne might have an issue with her, as Darienne sticks pins in her Ben DeLaCreme voodoo doll (now available on iTunes) backstage. The target market for their commercial was of course cougars, as Ben is contractually obliged to play 50+ in every single challenge she does, and they decided to market their product to plastic surgery victims, as Darienne wanted to do those funny faces she does. The end-product was funny, but of course got the usual advertising challenge ding of making the product look bad and not being aspirational and all that jazz that the show makes up to justify putting people into the bottom two who probably shouldn’t be there. As such…I don’t think their feud, and the attendent “maracas, snare drum and tam-tam on the soundtrack” awkwardness is going away any time soon. God bless non-elimination episodes.
5. Bianca vs Trinity : Bianca and Trinity’s rivalry is the oldest and deepest, although since Trinity revealing she’s HIV positive they’ve been on the upswing. But even then, who could have expected this week’s GLORIOUS BLOSSOMING OF FRIENDSHIP? Bianca teaching Trinity how to be a performer! Trinity teaching Bianca the virtue of patience! Trinity turning out a great performance in the advert as a prostitution whore, with condoms down her bra and dip-dyed hair! Bianca juggling babies as a powerful CEO and mother of two! Them both easily having the best runway outfits of the week! Trinity reading the other girls backstage for not being more congratulatory to her for being in the top 3 and Bianca TOASTING her! Trinity closing out Untucked with a heartwarming, rabble-rousing speech to all the other queens about owning their themness or whatever! Bianca’s “Bitch With A Heart Of Gold” arc continues. Has one drag queen ever scooped up so many potential drag-daughters in the space of one season? Such a den-mother.
6. Adore vs Laganja : Finally, as established last week, Adore and Laganja’s feud is based around the fact that she can’t handle Adore getting more praise than her, and Adore thinks Laganja is faking her entire personality for this competition. So even though their inspired Mean Girls advert won this week (and bless her, only Michelle Visage could get the hump over a Mean Girls themed advert giving off a bullying vibe) I’m sure their issues will only get deeper, as Laganja was spewing out turbo-speed laganjaisms all week, and Adore was identified publicly as having carried the team to victory on her back, with Langanja’s runway outfit in particularly being ripped to shreds (you know…more than she’d already done it herself. SO MUCH UNFINISHED HEMMING). Poor Laganja. I’ve never seen a more half-hearted “win” in my life. It would have been more honest for them to just give it to Adore and have done with it.
7. Ru’s Runway Outfit : In a week where the runway theme for the contestants was black and white, let’s all give praise for Ru turning up in an explosion of reds, oranges and hot pinks. She will ALWAYS know how to upstage everyone else, and that’s why she’s got her name over the titles.
8. Leah vs Michelle : In this week of fierce rivalries, it felt appropriate to have Leah Remini (star of King Of Queens, The Talk, and Hating Scientology) and Michelle Visage spend the entire judging panel going at it, insulting one another and yelling at each other that they CLEARLY DON’T EVEN UNDERSTAND THE SHOW THEY’RE SUPPOSED TO BE JUDGING, JESUS CHRIST, like only two people who know and love each other can do. I have no idea what their history is, but I want either a Bravo docureality show about it stat, or for them to be a team on The Amazing Race together. That lady from My Big Fat Greek Wedding calling Ben’s hair “a penis wrapped in a bandage” was good, but we all know where the real fun was on the panel this week. Jersey.
9. Darienne Grubbing For Tips : Ben’s stay of execution this week was clearly due to her overall performance being in the top half of the competition, because Darienne slayed her in that lip-sync, with every high-velocity pumping of her man-boobs. The boxy angular lines of her dress really suited the late 80s vibe of Expose (such a great 80s pop band name by the way and I’m so sorry they never crossed over in this country based on the epicness of “Point Of No Return”), but the high-point was definitely when Ben decided to waste time running to the back of the runway for a costume change (WHY GIRL WHY? YOU SAW WHAT HAPPENED TO GIA!) and Darienne decided to fill time by taking imaginary tip-money from an imaginary audience of adoring fans. By the time Ben had shrugged off her dress in favour of a leotard and run back down the runway again, this battle was over.
10. Laganja’s Punctuation : I was so excited to see this week’s special Untucked Guest Star – Alyssa Edwards, partly because she was my favourite queen of last season, and partly because it was always going to send Laganja off into a tailspin. Of course Alyssa didn’t appear in person, because she’s far too busy running her dance studio (when is the documentary series about that airing by the way?), instead sending a video tape. A video tape that Laganja punctuated literally EVERY LINE OFF with a clock or a twitch or a “YESS MAMA!” or a scrunch or a grunt or a growl or a yip. The faces of all of the other queens as she gradually got more and more and more vocal and more and more and more annoying was classic. Only Joslyn never blinked once. If she isn’t Miss Congeniality something’s very wrong here.