Dancing On Ice ALL-STAR Monkies

I only now realise I should have done a poll for “Who Should Have Been On All-Stars But Wasn’t Cast?” and neglected to, but let’s just pretend I did and that Chemmy Allcott won.

(You know or Chris Fountain or whoever)

Best Judge:

Despite the opposition provided by two episodes worth of Nicky Slater (imagine how close it could have been if there had been a whole series of his nuttiness?) Robin once again cruises to the victory in the category of “Identify The One Judge Who Knows What They’re Talking About”. He didn’t have a great series – spending most of it trying to make Kyran Bracken happen fruitlessly, but I can’t deny it feels right to have him go out as the Dancing On Ice Judge Of Choice (in all series not featuring Katarina Witt). A mighty 55% of you had him as your fave.

  • 2nd – Nicky Slater : 24%
  • 3rd – Jason Gardiner : 14%
  • 4th – Karen Barber : 5%
  • 5th – Ashley Roberts : 2%

Best Host:

What a shame the series didn’t run long enough for them to meet on the field of combat. Phillip wins with the votes of 88% of you.

Best Torvill Or Dean:

We speed on through the Foregone Conclusion Awards, as Torvill wins the votes of 72% of you. Dean gained 10% on her this year, probably because of that one time he stuck up for Beth or whatever, but it wasn’t enough to prevent Torvill from winning Best Torvill or Dean for the fourth consecutive glorious year. First she crushes Dean in the Strictly Comic Relief Special, now this.

Most BS Elimination:

Poor Jorgie. The show wrung its one week out of drama out of pairing her with the guy who cheated on her best friend and then that was it : IN THE BIN WITH HER! Less kind souls might speculate that she should feel grateful that that potential drama got her cast over equally deserving finalists in her niche Claire Buckfield and Nickelodeon Girl, but the sight of poor Jorgie in floods of tears was enough to melt the hearts of 58% of you. It’s a clean sweep for the women in this category, as more or less every male contestant this year either won or teetered constantly on the verge of outstaying their welcome.

  • 2nd – Suzanne Shaw : 56%
  • 3rd – Zaraah Abrahams – 27%
  • 4th – Beth Tweddle – 24%
  • 5th – Bonnie Langford – 15%

Best Contestant (Personality) :

Beth wins this category I would imagine by bravely bearing her stern affliction. Otherwise known as Jason Gardiner. Her quiet accepting dignity in the fact of his…Jason Gardinerness gave her the edge to win this category with 39% of you voters selecting her as one of your two favourites. Again, the category is very nearly a full sweep for the women, with only Kyran keeping the men’s end up somewhat.

  • 2nd – Suzanne Shaw : 28%
  • 3rd – Bonnie Langford : 27%
  • 4th – Zaraah Abrahams : 21%
  • 5th – Kyran Bracken : 21%

Best Contestant (Talent) :

Despite some fitful struggling, in the end, as a hivemind Monkseal Blog Reader eventually fell into lockstep with the show consensus. Ray Quinn is the greatest skater ever to grace Dancing On Ice’s rink, celebrity or pro, and the 17% of you who did not comply will be sent off to the Robin Cousin Re-Education Centre for your adjustments.

  • 2nd – Beth Tweddle : 40%
  • 3rd – Suzanne Shaw : 36%
  • 4th – Sam Attwater : 13%
  • 5th – Hayley Tamaddon : 11%

Worst Contestant (Personality) :

One last time, for posterity’s sake. Hayley Tamaddon is 37. The votes on Hayley ultimately came out evenly spread, with 50% of you selecting her as one of the most irritating contestants this series, and 50% of you not. As you might expect, in these gynephile awards, the rest of the ranking contestants are male. Makes you wonder just how awful Christine, Ashley and Karen had to be to lose their own categories by such landslides. Unless you watched the show that is.

  • 2nd – Ray Quinn – 28%
  • 3rd – Sam Attwater – 27%
  • 4th – Gary Lucy – 25%
  • 5th – Joe Pasquale – 17%

Worst Celebrity (Talent)

Yes, despite having improved sufficiently not to GO DOWN DAH TUNNEL this time, a whopping 92% of you selected Todd Carty as standing out for lacking skating talent in this series. Although to be fair, given that this was an ALL-STAR series, and two of the contestants were chosen specifically because their lack of ability was iconic AND you were asked to pick two celebrities, it’s a wonder we’re not looking at a 100% vs 100% tie here. God bless you contrarians.

  • 2nd – Joe Pasquale : 74%
  • 3rd – Hayley Tamaddon : 9%
  • 4th – David Seaman : 9%
  • 5th – Gareth Gates : 5%

King Of All Pros :

Thank God we got all that awkward business with Pamela Anderson out of our systems and could judge Matt Evers fairly as an entity this series, even if he was only here for half of it (NOT ENOUGH). I think the moment when his parents turned up and were all “…oh, so THIS is what you’re doing with all those ice-skating lessons we paid for for you” about Dancing On Ice was amongst my favourite Matt Evers moments ever. As was when he wore THOSE TIGHTS obviously. A clean 41% of you had him as your hero this year.

  • 2nd – Lukasz Rozycki : 21%
  • 3rd – Daniel Whiston : 19%
  • 4th – Andrei Lipanov : 11%
  • 5th – Sylvain Longchambon : 8%

Queen Of All Pros :

As usual I have very little to say on the subject of Maria. 35% of you had her as your favourite female pro. I guess as the final winning pro, it’s only appropriate.

  • 2nd – Frankie! : 30%
  • 3rd – Brianne Delcourt : 25%
  • 4th – Nina Ulanova : 6%
  • 5th – Vicky Ogden : 1%

Routine Of The Series :

Was there ever any doubt? Ray Quinn’s paso flavoured leapathon was probably the one new routine from this series that could go down with the greats of series past. 53% of you had as one of your stand-out routines of the series, and the closest competition came from Bonnie Langford LIP-SYNCING FOR HER LIFE. Which says it all really.

  • 2nd – Bonnie & Andrei : Devil Gate Drive : 29%
  • 3rd – Suzanne & Matt : Stay : 28%
  • 4th – Beth & Lukasz : Somewhere Only We Know : 27%
  • 5th – Ray Quinn : Kiss : 24%
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3 thoughts on “Dancing On Ice ALL-STAR Monkies

    1. monkseal Post author

      Some of the % won’t add up to 100% because it’s a % of voters, not a % of votes, and in some categories people were given multiple votes.

      Reply

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