Dancing On Ice ALL STARS – Week 3

You know you don’t want it.

Suzanne Shaw & Uncle Matt Evers: So to fit in 10 celebrity skating performances into an hour’s worth of airtime, a lot of stuff got chopped out this week. No humorous introduction to the judges, perceptibly abbreviated celebrity routines, the occasional skipped judges comment (or that might just be when my boyfriend hammered the mute button when Ashley doing her damndest to morph into a Louise Mensch Drag Queen became too much to bear), and most obviously of all, no introductory pro-dance where “the rewind button” is treated like the greatest feat of camera trickery since whoever had to make Lindsey Lohan look sober for “I Know Who Killed Me”. As such, Suzanne Shaw didn’t have much time to bask in the glory of being last week’s winner. Just a quick jaunt around the park and a Tom Farrell cackle from Uncle Matt over the suggestion from his showbiz-nephew that Suzanne do Splits On Ice this week, and we were straight in. Straight in to a routine being skated to “Applause” by Lady Gaga, albeit one without…any actual applauding in it? The one time you hope for literal choreography from Dean and he lets you down. It was the usual Dancing On Ice modern uptempo pop experience – ie Suzanne being thrown around a lot whilst wearing a Ribenaberry jumpsuit, and therefore not nearly as impactful as her emotional routine of the week before. Luckily for her she had the support of two of her fellow Hear’Say members behind her : Myleene Klass and Noel…erm…Noelson. (Danny presumably being off at the side waiting in his role as Eternal Bridesmaid Alternate) (Kym presumably being off having a job). Unluckily for her, even with all the cuts for time there was still space for a catfight between Karen & Jason during her judges comments. Apparently he was surprised she could see anything over the bling of that dress honey, and she thinks he doesn’t know what he’s talking about anyway. Edifying as ever.

Sam Attwater & Victoria Ogden : Obviously Sam’s main storyline this week was his intense misery, woe and surprise over being in the Bottom 2, as he and his Victoria gazed moodily into their coffees at a rinkside cafe, wondering how this could possibly have happened. I’m surprised he didn’t draw strength from the fact that he’d been in the Bottom 2 before and still won, but maybe he decided that was all those stupid props’ fault and didn’t count. Everyone else meanwhile was on tenterhooks, waiting to see how Sam would come blazing back from this misfortune. The answer? Yiffing. Yes, the story of our Dancing On Ice lovebirds carried on with the heartwarming fable of a man who shagged a cat who lives on the moon. It’s really hard not to relate every routine to the definitely real and in no way fabricated sex-life of Sam & Vicky after they basically invited the comparison last week by getting married before our very eyes, but personally this was a honeymoon I wasn’t ready for. Afterwards, Sam admitted and apologised for his arrogance, sort of, by admitting that as he’d come in as a previous series champion he’d at least expected to easily blaze past no-marks like Zaraah Abrahams (who previously couldn’t even buy votes in a Banana Republic election) and Todd Farty. I’m paraphrasing. Mostly. Mostly about the “apologised” part. Still Vicky Ogden in a catsuit was enough, and the balance of the universe was this week restored.

Zaraah Abrahams & Andy Buchanan: I think it was somewhere around the point that Zaraah skated in the death slot to a Miley Cyrus song (and not even the good one) dressed in (not-quite) skintight gold lame with Andy in a hoodie, that I realised that the show’s commitment to Making Zaraah Happen This Time was strictly a one-week deal. My suspicions were only confirmed as Schofield banged ON and ON and ON about how her rib popped out, which is never a vote-winner, especially for female celebrities. Nobody wants to hear about your owie love, and if you mention it more than twice we’ll just claim you’re faking it. I’m glad, in a way, because as much as Zaraah is one of my favourite skaters in the competition, the whole POINT of her is slaying bores in the skate-off (I’M LOOKING AT YOU LINDA LUSARDI!), a role she took back up this week with aplomb, taking Todd Carty out without even breaking a sweat, in her fifth Skate-Off victory. You have to wonder how many more skulls she can add to her belt (Bonnie at the very least looks ripe for the taking, and maybe Gareth depending on how long his fan-vote holds out against gravity) before departing, and just how many routines there even are from her original series that she can do. I hope she runs out of feasible ones, and blackmails the producers into letting her fly off to Randy Crawford again, as…let’s say Kyran Bracken eliminates her in three weeks time.

Bonnie Langford & Andrei Lipanov : This week Bonnie Langford had a Full Force Five meltdown after tripping over, like, once, wailing and pouting on Andrei’s utterly disinterested shoulder that she’d had enough and was useless and stupid and useless. So those of you waiting for Bonnie’s Violet Elizabeth side to come out didn’t have long to wait. Admittedly, those of us with more of a psychological grounding may detect the roots of Bonnie’s sudden desire to quit in the start of her pre-dance VT, when Karen told her over lunch that as far as she was concerned, Bonnie was representing her and all other older women on the show. Whether it was the thought of generally being this year’s Colleen Nolan or of representing Karen specifically that put the shits up Bonnie we’ll never know. Anyway, Bonnie came out, eventually, and skated to The Pussycat Dolls version of “Sway”, marked mostly by Nicole Shitslinger huffing and puffing like she’s trying to frost up a window, and Ashley having PTSD flashbacks at the side. Whatever Ashley, they let you dance about a bit. It’s more than I’d do. Bonnie was noticably a little off her game this week, although to be honest the whole song and dance seemed to be thematically and choreographically almost exactly the same stuff she was doing last time two weeks ago, so you can see how she would have got bored in the interim. Afterwards, Bonnie remained constantly on the verge of tears and promised that she’d only have hysterical meltdowns off-camera in future (BOO!) and Jason complained that she didn’t give him the horn. Something to work on there.

Gareth Gates & Brioche Delcourt: Who would have thought going in that Gareth Gates would emerge as the King Of The Also-Rans for this All-Stars series? As it stands, despite (or possibly because of) Jason’s sneering and lobbing of a 4.5 at him, he stands as the only Non-Winner to have avoided the Skate-Off so far. This despite the obvious indifference of the show, with no scene more indicative of this than Torville & Dean sat bored senseless at the side of the rink talking in monotone about how exciting it is that Gareth is trying new things as he kicked at the air a bit. Maybe you could also count the in-no-way incredibly patronising benediction of Ray Quinn, lurking in the shadows like Emperor Palpatine, saying that Gareth was doing some really nice tricks now, 10 out of 10, well done *pats head*. (Maria remaining silent about the fact that it’s far better than anything she ever got out of him NATCH) (Can we talk about how they need to reference that some of these celebs are skating in rivalry with their old partners more? Because they really really do). On that note, really I put Gareth’s success, Pop Idol/Grease tour hangovers/blog-infiltrating forumites aside mostly down to Brioche, who whilst not the warmest of human beings, could clearly haul a half-decent performance out of a Chuckle Brother by force of will and TERRIFYING BRITTLE SNAPPING alone. Her outraged face at Jason’s low-balling was the most gifable thing that happened all week, and her snapping off the end of Gareth’s stutter to deliver a motivational pep-talk was Textbook Brioche.

Ray Quinn & Maria Filipov: I’ll be honest, as much as I try to be fair and balanced and give everyone a chance, this sort of routine is where I lose touch with some of the show’s fanbase entirely. If watching Ray Quinn skating sexily with sex-faces to Blurred Lines with Maria Filipov dressed like a Special Guest Madam Of The Week from Band Of Gold is your thing, then all power to you. It’s nothing but fast-forward for me, no matter how well performed it is. Some of you probably watched Mr Selfridge when this was finished as well. You’re welcome to your planet.

Todd Carty & Alexandra Schauman : Those of you who watch Strictly Come Dancing will know that is a common trick, when dealing with the…less naturally gifted male contestants, to have the female professional whirl around them in their pants as a distraction tactic, whilst the celebrity stands there as solid and still as possible to act as a handhold for their dirvishing. So all credit to Dancing On Ice this week who went BEYOND doing the opposite of that and out the other side, with Alexandra sat on her arse in a boat looking fierce and eating ice-cream for the entire routine, as she played glamorous tourist to Todd’s hapless gondolier to “O Sole Mio”. Andy did more skating wheeling the bloody thing out into the middle of the ice. You can just feel Aliona Vilani having new clauses written into her Stricly contract for next year just in case they get desperate again. Sadly (lol) Todd doing the odd knee-slide and spin wasn’t enough, and the public called time on his Dancing On Ice journey. Not entirely surprising given that, for all the show’s pimping of him as the GREATEST COMEDY CONTESTANT EVAH, he could only manage 9th last time. Before Zaraah put him out his misery though, one question remained to be answered. Was he going to GO DOWN DAH TUNNEL? Mercifully, Dean managed to come up with a reasonably smart twist on the question as, at the climax of his skate-off, Todd shoved Alex DOWN DAH TUNNEL so that he could soak up all the plaudits. Bizarrely, despite being a professional skater who could have murdered him dead the second he started shoving her, Alexandra was much more convincing in the role of GOING DOWN DAH TUNNEL than he was…

Beth Tweddle & Lukasz Rozycki: Beth’s story this week mostly revolved around the rage-spiral she swooped into after only managing to finish in 7th on the combined Week 1 leaderboard (ah, gymnasts). A rage-spiral that Lukasz, barking out monotone subtitled assistance from off-camera like an ESL Speak & Spell, was powerless to slow down. And so it was that Beth went home to visit her family and her mum broke it her very slowly and gently and supportively that she might not (/definitely won’t) win this series but she’ll always be her champion. At which point Beth sighed “aw, that’s so sweet” and resumed plotting to pay Michael Zenezini to go full Tonya Harding on Hayley Tamaddon’s kneecaps. Fortunately for Beth, Dean took note of her Olympian Psychosis and gifted her a full John Lewis cod-ballet routine complete with dancing (sort of) en-pointe en-ice, with a lot of swooning spins and sudden impressive lifts. A routine more Dancing-On-Ice it’s hard to imagine, and it’s one that bought her 2nd-place on the leaderboard and hopefully a respite from the gritted teeth and clenched fists. Beth also did a lift this week that had NEVER BEEN SEEN BEFORE ON DANCING ON ICE EVER BEFORE EVER. Although…so did more or less every other contestant. I’ve just edited out most of the references (and there were a lot) because I’m kind like that. I’ve also cut out the part where Christine Blankley just started speaking French for no reason. I’m so good to you.

Kyran Bracken & ???? ??????? : I noticed this week that Kyran Bracken looks a bit like a gay-porn Michael Ball. I’ve no idea why such a thing would be required by the Universe but…Rule 34 I guess. Those people are out there. Kyran’s VT this week was mostly him complaining that he’s old and he’s hurting in places that he’d rather not show to the camera but which are nevertheless very important to him. He’s 42 now, but he was a sprightly 35 when he won Series 2! Things have changed! Presumably in an attempt to push this storyline all the way into a full-blown midlife crisis, this week Kyran played his trump card from his series. LATE 80S STYLE BODY-POPPING! It felt like I was at a Young Farmers convention or something. To be fair, he did throw in the odd patented Kyran Bracken POWER LIFT to break up the mimed heart-beats and arm-wiggles, but it does feel a bit like he’s given away his best trick a little bit too early on if he expects to be here for the long-haul, although based on Jason’s sour mug and faint praise, he’s still got a Judge Rivalry storyline to fall back. Jason’s main problem was that Kyran wasn’t interacting with his pro partner enough and it was hard to see a partnership forming with such a lack of chemistry. A pro partner who so far this series still hasn’t been allowed to speak. And who Jason didn’t even refer to by name. Yeah…I’m not sure the lack of chemistry entirely down to Kyran…

Hayley Tamaddon & Daniel Whiston: I would like to petition that, every time Hayley Tamaddon is shown doing things like lounging on her sofa in a pink polka-dot onesie and zebra kneesocks, chatting about her performance-ethos like a first year drama undergraduate, a little caption pops up saying “Hayley Tamaddon is 36”. And given stage-school types attitude to broadcasting their age, I think that’s more than generous. (“Bonnie Langford is 49”). This week, the show sailed directly into Hayley’s stage-school style, as she performed a routine to “If My Friends Could See Me Now” in a top hat, bolero jacket, and silver body-stocking. Jason Gardiner then said that this was too restrained. He said that she didn’t gurn enough.

Yeah, I’m done.


9 thoughts on “Dancing On Ice ALL STARS – Week 3

  1. Crunchy Frog

    I’ve got to believe (for my own sanity) that the producers have some special hubristic demise ready and waiting for Ray in Week 7 or so which is why they’re letting him come across as a cartoon supervillain with skates. Maybe leaping blindfolded across a suddenly too-wide pool full of crocodiles or something, that’d be good.

    If they could kindly give the viewers a sneaky hint that this is what’s in store then I could just about put up with how up himself he already is (it’s only Week 3: T-h-r-e-e !), and even actually revel in it, anticipating the reptile nemesis that is to be.

    “I would like to petition that, every time Hayley Tamaddon is shown doing things like lounging on her sofa in a pink polka-dot onesie and zebra kneesocks, chatting about her performance-ethos like a first year drama undergraduate, a little caption pops up saying “Hayley Tamaddon is 36″.”

    37 on Saturday, so maybe naughty Mr Schofe will wish her a happy birthday on Sunday and accidentally blurt out the figure. I was amazed when I found out that she’s actually several years older than me.

    1. monkseal Post author

      I doubt they care to be honest – the show’s cancelled anyway, so why bother? I think they’ll be quite happy to let Ray steamroller everybody.

  2. Ferny

    As soon as it was announced Ray was skating to Blurred Lines, my first thought was about how much you were going to love that lol

    Unfortunately I looked up a clip of Violet Elizabeth on YouTube because I have never seen it before, and I am now utterly creeped out.

    1. monkseal Post author

      Maybe next week he can skate to “It’s My Party” by Jessie J. Or possibly…actually Beth already did “Roar” didn’t she?

  3. Huriye

    What a dull week it was! Like the post Blackpool week on Strictly, but the boring routines have come surprisingly early on DOI. 😦 On the whole it was EPIC FAIL with the choreography and awful music choices for me. I accept, the show’s not aimed at me, it’s prime audience is a Northern teenager/20-something, but the concentration of Modern Chart Pop with the occasional characature Musical departure doesn’t do it for me, mostly cos I haven’t a clue what most of these songs and who sings ’em are? I did, however, like the brisk pace of the show, and the swift VTs before the skaters were suddenly on the ice. Sadly, still time for Bleakely to say something stupid….as usual. And why does she ALWAYS go to Jason first? I’m sick of hearing his voice, and don’t really care what anyone has to say on the so called Judging Panel, apart from Robin. It was a travesty that she left the main man out at one point………for more nonsense from the others! I agree, Monkseal, the former Pro-celeb partnerships skating against eachother angle has been sorely lacking in the ITV knife wielding so far. It’s way more interesting than who’s shagging who, as far as I’m concerned!
    Ofcourse the other aspect that’s glossed over – apart from the panto episodes between Karen & Jason – is the sheer enmity and pure contempt that is felt between T&D, Barber and Gardiner. When writing about DOI on his FB blog – oh those sycophantic comments from people, ‘you’re the only Judge who tells it like it really is Jase’ (vomit) – he will never EVAH mention T&D at all, like they’re an irrelevance to the show, which is naturally, all about his views!

    So yet again, we continued with DOI for another year totally oblivious to the World of Skating, existing in it’s own vacuum, as it’s own entity, having the NERVE to rave on and on about how “BETH DID A CHAMPIONSHIP LIFT” which Jayne said “deserved a 10”, yet SAYING ABSOLUTELY NOTHING about the glorious fact that the British Ice Dance Champions Penny Coomes and Nick Buckland have just won a Bronze medal at the European Championships in Budapest! Shame on DOI, but I’ve long since given up. 😦 10 seconds for T&D to say, “BTW Congrats to…..did you hear the wonderful news?” (Round of Applause) – There was the Applause Monkseal, or should’ve been! I just don’t geddit? Strictly recognizes at least it comes from a Ballroom background and history and acknowledges the mecca of Blackpool. What’s the point of droning on about “a Championship Lift” if it means nothing to most of the audience, and a gymnast as talented as Beth, with a superior partner in Lukasz this time, as opposed to Drippy Dan, could’ve been taught to do so many more great elements in Proper Skating, and achieved more IMO.

    Nearly everyone was off in week 3, if it wasn’t the celebs it was the pros slipping up – all apart from Beth’s glorious performance, with a good routine, nice choreography, and an okay appealing song. She didn’t have much to beat! Suzanne was definitely hesitant, Bonnie was surprisingly dull – I really don’t want to see Bonnie Langford having a meltdown in training, she should be perpetually ‘on’ and Showbiz 24/7, it’s the Law. Why choose Pussycat Dolls’ version and not a better one for “Sway”, but even so, where was Bonnie’s swaying hips just when she stood still on the ice after emerging from the net curtains? Bafflingly subdued and non-dancey AT ALL! Sad to see. 😦 Let’s face it, Breeze Block Andrei can’t add any pizzazz or personality to the performance on her behalf if she has an off day, he’s just there to support her in the big lifts, of which he’s expert. Fully expected her to be in the Skate off, but the GBP is contrary like that. What the hell was Zaarah’s routine all about? Crap song, rubbish choreo, compare that to her brilliant Prince “Diamonds & Pearls” routine in the Skate Off – my fave performance of the night – it was like another league of standard, highlighting how naff most of this week’s routines were, choreographically speaking.

    I’m already bored to tears of Sam and Victoria’s relationship, and his morose “I felt I’d let you down” was hysterically funny!!! SHE LET HIM DOWN BY BEING A CRAP SKATER!
    Infact the theme of this series is developing already, but no-one has dared say it out loud.
    Most of the celebs would be better off without their pro partners. FACT! Give them solo routines PLEASE next week Chris and Jayne, you know it makes sense. Granny Maria can’t keep up with Ray and are soooo mis-matched, it’s painful to watch. (Do you think they read your blog when Jayne made a point of saying, “Yes, Maria is the perfect partner for Ray!” Ha!)
    Brioche is wasted on Gareth and so was Alexandra on Todd. Both good Pros whose time has been/will be cut short just so ITV can have a few cheap larfs at the show’s expense. If ever there was a routine that said ‘VOTE ME OFF’ it was the crap routine T&D gave to Todd. They know he can’t skate, we know he can’t skate, so they demonstrated it in full glowing colour just so the viewers would finally get the message and stop voting for him!

    The final nail in the coffin was the NTA going to Strictly last night – justifiably so – it’s by far the best show in that ‘Talent’ category. I cheered and wooped, happy with the result – and yet I LOVED DOI so much in the early days (series 1) and wanted it to win, voting for it.

    1. monkseal Post author

      What I hate is that Robin is almost always left to the end so he ends up having to say “I agree with Jason”. Robin should never have to say “I agree with Jason”.

      Zaraah’s skate-off routine was indeed amazing, although it did make me miss Fred a bit. Andy’s just not the same.

      They need to start hyping up the possibility of Beth vs Dan in a skate-off *now*. It would be a series highlight to see her knock him and Tamaddon out.

      1. Lorraine

        I too would love Beth to defeat Hayley & Dan in the skate off. I am just imagining her having a little stumble in Jai Ho & even Jason being forced into saving Beth over followed by Tamaddiva having a full on meltdown.

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