So having spent all series aiming for the BIG FEMINIST TALKING POINT of an all-female final…it gets less mention than the culture phenomenon of “selfies”. Or at least Bruce’s attempts to work out what they are. I’m not saying it was a limp start to the GRAND FINAL of the BIGGEST SHOW ON TV spending a good 5 minutes watching an octogenarian randomly poking and squinting at an iPad but…let’s just say it would have needed a bizarro opening showdance of GLADIATOR proportions to get me hyped up after that mess, and instead we just got a bunch of the pros dancing to JLo’s Number 11 Smash-Hit “Dance Again (And Again…And Then A Bit More…Again…Woo)” whilst the Strictly Band try to rap. Now…if ANTON had tried to rap, then I’d be interested.
Our first round is the Reprise Round and it features all the excitement you’d expect from a round that STARS two Week 1 dances and a dance where you spend the whole time wondering if Susanna’s going to face-plant off a sofa at the end. We see Susanna’s quickstep, Sophie’s Viennese Waltz, Abbey’s waltz and Natalie’s cha-cha again. They are notable for Susanna not dying, Sophie sorting her crummy free arms out, Abbey getting a perfect score and Artem being, if anything, even more ridiculously over-tanned than the first time. He looks like he’s confused Marmite for suntan lotion.
We all know that what we’re really here for though, are the showdances :
Susanna : Probably the most lift-heavy of all the showdances, it’s basically her waltz but with an extra layer of schmaltz and about seven extra layers of footwork-obscuring fog. To “Your Song”. Darcey snots that it has no wow-factor which is quite the most ironic thing I’ve heard in a long time.
Abbey : A tango/paso doble to Guns’N’Roses that starts off fine enough but which slowly descends so far into 80s soft rock hell that you can see nothing but steam jets and, if you squint through them, Abbey repeatedly turkey-slapping Aljaz around the face with her rock-solid ponytail. Poor boy.
Natalie : Artem somewhat redeeming himself for Kara’s Dinky Glitter-Bucket fiasco by throwing the musical-theatre kitchen-sink at Natalie, including tap, pole-dancing, and the most hideous showdance dress EVER in the history of the show. It’s enough to get Len screaming about JUSTICE again, which we all know worked so well in Series 7 for Ricky Nipple.
Sophie : Having spent all series mentally muttering “DON’T BLOW IT BRENDA!” Brenda…blows it, I think, by trying to express Sophie’s public-vote appeal via b-grade 80s Whitney Houston and awkward latin. I’m saying that Brenda probably won’t be getting a job at a marketing agency any time soon.
All of this leaves it going into the final straight looking like Abbey and Susanna are scrapping for the win, and Sophie and Natalie are scrapping not to be the first boot. To think That Charleston might never get 10s…
The mighty mighty Monk Seal 
I knew Brendan had Brendaned it when I counted all the times Sophie’s feet left the floor. Also she doesn’t have the persona to work well with the Ola Jordan “here is my ladygarden” lift.
Wasn’t helped by her signalling every lift like a gymnast about to start the run up to the vault, either.
It was so inevitable and yet still…so sad.
I genuinely believe that Darcey didn’t think her saying a dance had “no wow factor” was an insult. I had a sense she was aiming for the idea it was different from the over the top showdances you could see, but mangled it as only she can (and usually does).
Upon rewatching I got that idea as well. Oh Darcey. The difficulty of exactness in your commentary was truly hard.
I think Brenda actually did a good job choreagraphy for his partner and not all for himself this time. Unfortunately Sophie finally let go off the control freak and just enjoy the dancing- which was great, but unfortunately she also lost the control and technique she has worked so hard to achieve! Much like Susanna in last weeks latin whatever. If she had done this last week she would still have made the finals and could have got them both in balance like Abbey has. Alas she, although enjoyable and a testament to her hard work, wasn’t up to the standards of the others – especially in that big lift. It took a lonnnnnnng time to get balanced and get her arms out – once she did the wheeeeeeeeeee factor as Darcey said was great. Definitely the weakest over both dances but not pathetic either.
The others I couldn’t choose between to vote. They all were bloody good.
Though I kinda favoured Abbey for sentiment and accomplishment mostly but kept dithering – has Nat ever had any family on the show wishing her well? or did I miss it – dunno but if she doesn’t have that back up then it makes her drive and achievements all the more remarkable and quirks understandable. I like Sussanna and Kev – always have, Darcey was right their showdance didn’t have the immediate WOW (that was in the Paso at Blackpool) but was special in a different way – and danced beautifully – not forgetting that neck lift . Glad he wasn’t tempted to do that not so famous Elton John song Grimsby (though I do like that song lol)
All 3 really pulled it out of the bag – I decided that whoever made it through I would make my final decision based on the performance of the last dance. And if Sophie made it through despite being the weakest on the night, I wouldn’t and couldn’t begrudge her it.
They all deserved to be there – including the ringah.
I just…of all of them to single out for not having wow factor, it was odd Darcey picked Susanna which had the most obvious “OOOOOOOOOOOH LOOK AT THIS” moment of all of them. I hate “wow factor” as a concept anyway because it’s doggedly vacuous but it seemed the wrong one to pick out. What was so WOW about Abbey’s routine? The constant smoke spurting and stupid scowly faces?
I’m with you on Natalie’s showdance Monkseal. It may *whispers* be worse than Snowdance. But only just, like. And did she borrow the remnants of Iveta’s alien scarf thing to make that costume?
I didn’t hate it so much as I just hate showdances generally but…it was manic.
But we got Bruce calling Brendan BRENDA! That’s got to count for something.
It was a moment.
I loved the partenership between Kevin and Susanna. And the song Kevin chose to tell everyone how much he had enjoyed the whole series with Susanna.
He really is an angel . . . . Karen is a lucky girl.