So having spent all series aiming for the BIG FEMINIST TALKING POINT of an all-female final…it gets less mention than the culture phenomenon of “selfies”. Or at least Bruce’s attempts to work out what they are. I’m not saying it was a limp start to the GRAND FINAL of the BIGGEST SHOW ON TV spending a good 5 minutes watching an octogenarian randomly poking and squinting at an iPad but…let’s just say it would have needed a bizarro opening showdance of GLADIATOR proportions to get me hyped up after that mess, and instead we just got a bunch of the pros dancing to JLo’s Number 11 Smash-Hit “Dance Again (And Again…And Then A Bit More…Again…Woo)” whilst the Strictly Band try to rap. Now…if ANTON had tried to rap, then I’d be interested.
Our first round is the Reprise Round and it features all the excitement you’d expect from a round that STARS two Week 1 dances and a dance where you spend the whole time wondering if Susanna’s going to face-plant off a sofa at the end. We see Susanna’s quickstep, Sophie’s Viennese Waltz, Abbey’s waltz and Natalie’s cha-cha again. They are notable for Susanna not dying, Sophie sorting her crummy free arms out, Abbey getting a perfect score and Artem being, if anything, even more ridiculously over-tanned than the first time. He looks like he’s confused Marmite for suntan lotion.
We all know that what we’re really here for though, are the showdances :
Susanna : Probably the most lift-heavy of all the showdances, it’s basically her waltz but with an extra layer of schmaltz and about seven extra layers of footwork-obscuring fog. To “Your Song”. Darcey snots that it has no wow-factor which is quite the most ironic thing I’ve heard in a long time.
Abbey : A tango/paso doble to Guns’N’Roses that starts off fine enough but which slowly descends so far into 80s soft rock hell that you can see nothing but steam jets and, if you squint through them, Abbey repeatedly turkey-slapping Aljaz around the face with her rock-solid ponytail. Poor boy.
Natalie : Artem somewhat redeeming himself for Kara’s Dinky Glitter-Bucket fiasco by throwing the musical-theatre kitchen-sink at Natalie, including tap, pole-dancing, and the most hideous showdance dress EVER in the history of the show. It’s enough to get Len screaming about JUSTICE again, which we all know worked so well in Series 7 for Ricky Nipple.
Sophie : Having spent all series mentally muttering “DON’T BLOW IT BRENDA!” Brenda…blows it, I think, by trying to express Sophie’s public-vote appeal via b-grade 80s Whitney Houston and awkward latin. I’m saying that Brenda probably won’t be getting a job at a marketing agency any time soon.
All of this leaves it going into the final straight looking like Abbey and Susanna are scrapping for the win, and Sophie and Natalie are scrapping not to be the first boot. To think That Charleston might never get 10s…